Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

T, You have such a terrible immune system..

Hey T, todays session was the worst i think we have had. I dont know what went wrong! Normally you make me feel supported and safe, but today i felt utterly alone and like you didnt 'get me' whatsoever
And now i think that you are annoyed with my biatchy text message that i sent. I dont even know why i sent it. I think i was trying to hurt you. I'm sorry. See, i told you that at my core, i am a bad person

Dear T,

I had a horrible day today. I kind of feel like Im starting to cut you off, emotionally anyway...but I don't want to so Im struggling internally with it. Needing therapy sucks. I just want to feel better and move on with things. Sometimes I feel like such a loser and wonder how in the hell I will ever be able to change. Because honestly, T, what can you do about my problems? Nothing. I have to handle it myself and thats that. But only I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm so depressed I don't know what to do. I wish someone paid attention to me. I wish somebody cared...

It is very important to be able to talk freely the person u pick most make you feel at ease and you don't mind opening up. Good luck and by the way I am concerned about you and care about you situation.therapy is good if you are going to tell them thetruth what's really goin help,they can't help a lie.stop putting yourself down so much, depression can cause you to feel this way. Good luck

Do I explain myself, chuckle, or move along?

Dear T, I need you to hold me.

If I were to act in this moment, T, in anger, I'd say f uck you, I'm never coming back. Who ARE you? You knew what I wanted to talk about today, you admitted as such, but you kept steering me toward a topic that was not even remotely close. Halfway through I just shut down, and I think you knew it. I wanted to cry then, just like I want to cry now. F uck me for not saying anything. Why am I such a f ucking coward?

Dear T,

You saved my life today.

I was sad after reading your email. My feelings were hurt. This is actually progress since I am admitting I hurt instead of just deciding to be angry. Anger is so much easier.

Dear T,

I emailed you a lot of my feelings already, but I don't know if I will tell you exactly how I felt yesterday when you first told me "yes, my marriage is fine" and then a second later you said "no, it isn't. You're very perceptive."

I was stunned. Stupidly, I asked you "which is it"? I really and truly did not expect my intuition to be right since usually it isn't. I know you had time since my email to think about what you were going to tell me, and you decided NOT to tell me the truth. I admire you for changing your mind on the spur of the moment like that.

I wonder why you told me that you told some clients. I imagine those are the ones going through a marital crisis of their own. Otherwise, why would you tell anyone? You said that at some point you were going to tell me.

I know you probably did not want me obsessing about this so I'm going to try to "get it all out" on my forums and then try to let it go. To my credit, I was able to concentrate on the SE and I am very glad that therapy is about me. I feel good about what we're doing even though I told you I thought it was a waste! I thought about it more and I agree with you that SE is going to be very helpful. I'm actually telling you more this way. Well, I can ramble on and on--you know that, but this is slower, and I am forced to really feel my feelings, both inside and out. I like the way you are telling me like it is, and insisting that you're right about my brother.

Maybe YOU left your marriage and that's why you're doing fine. But something tells me that's not the way it was. Maybe it was a mutual decision, now that the kids are grown up. I know I can't ask you those questions. I just know you're so special that why would anyone want to leave you? Yes, I realize that answer is laced with therapy love and transference, but I know something about you in RL too. I know how sweet and gentle you are. You had a hard life. You deserve happiness! I know you live in the present and you have your painting to sustain you, and your work.

I'm going to worry that you're not eating enough. You'll probably get cookies and muffins from me even when it's NOT a holiday.

I KNOW therapy is about me, but I care about you. I'm going to work very hard doing SE with you so you'll be proud of me. I'm glad you're my T!

Love,
rainbow

Dear T,

After today, I feel like I can tell you anything. I feel like I can finally trust you with my heart. With the truth about it all. I feel like I can fly when I am in your arms.

I sent you an e-mail addressing some of the thoughts I had after our session today. A lot is hinged on your response. Oh dear T, please respond. I need you to respond, and respond well. Not just a sentence or two. Please don't break this fragile relationship we have now. I need you to be there for me more than ever.

Dear T,

I wish we were meeting tomorrow because I'm in pain. I will hang on and I'm sure it will be ok, but the thing I told you I don't want to talk about in T - the thing you told me was my choice but you strongly encouraged me to bring it into the therapy room- yeah. That thing is hurting me so much tonight. It's so much that its just beyond words. It drives me to dark, awful thoughts. It is bad, T.

Somehow I have to tell you about it because its so out of control. I'm afraid if/when I finally do, you will think Im so stupid, crazy and pathetic that you won't even want to look at me. But T, I need help

I wish I could tell you about how obsessed I become with certain people, and how I push people away before I get close to them for that very reason. I wish I could tell you about my anger, but I'm scared.

You haven't called, even though I bolted today. Do I have so little effect on you that you don't care/aren't curious about why I ran? If I just disappeared and never showed up again, you wouldn't contact me. You wouldn't even care.

I can't talk to you about the sexual abuse. You can't handle it. (You never, never ask me about it even when I hint that I want to talk about it.)
I can't talk to you about being angry at you for not getting it.
I can't talk to you about class and how our class difference is making me uncomfortable.
I can't talk to you when I feel suicidal or like hurting myself. When I try to talk to you about these things, you don't seem to understand how hard it is for me to talk to you about them (and you definitely don't know how often I think about it but don't tell you.) You don't seem interested. (I think you are annoyed with me for feeling this way or you don't take me seriously.)

Something about me is clearly not important enough for you to be invested in me. Whatever, I have that effect on everyone.

I don't know if I can handle this right now. I want to leave from a place of strength, not the weak, cowardly, ****ed up place I'm in right now. This hurts so much. So much.

I wish I had never emailed you today. I also wish I had never started seeing you. I want a total do-over.

I am finally feeling like I can trust you.
My drinking is out of control. I'm mixing a benzo with it in hopes I don't wake up the next day.
I want to cry but I don't know how or why.
I feel guilty and like I've betrayed my abuser.
I need to be inpatient but it isn't an option at this point.
I struggle daily with whether or not to take my meds.
I started hurting myself again

I see T tomorrow so I will be telling her a couple of these....

T,
I need you to get healthy. I need a re-do. I'm not nearly as stable as you think I am.

DH's T,
Thanks for cracking DH's "mask", I know you felt bad about it but it really was needed

i want u to believe in my initiation thats to occur....be on my side and understand why i need to be of my medication!...i must be off it but without ur approval i feel like im really hurting u, which i dont want to do!
but what choice do i have??

dear t,

thank you for respecting my wish. i value my freedom so much.

you're leaving soon and i don't know whether i can handle it....

Dear T,
you are freakin AWESOME at your job, and i hope you know it. I am so glad that i text you, and am even happier that you called me to discuss what i had said in my text.
You always know the right thing to say, and how to make me feel safe again.
Thanks, i feel so lucky to have you as my T.

T,

You don't feel safe.

Dear T,

I have an eating disorder.

I don't know how to tell you.

You seem to have all the power and I have none. I have no power and no control.

Thanks for the hugs, people.