Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

It may seem like we stopped grieving for losing you, but inside I still scream for you to come back..

dear t,
i am having horrible urges to SI and i am dreaming about suicide. I haven't actually remembered a dream in years, so I am currently really scared. If I remember the dreams... will I act on them?

T,

what if I told you I still have not recovered from the crisis a few weeks ago that led to me being hospitalised? I don't know whether I can handle another day anymore..

Are you still there? I need to tell you something else. No matter what stay focust on all the beauty, on all of God's creation and release your child that lives inside you, and enjoy every moment that you have in this world. I hope you are doing better!

Dear T,

I know I just saw you, but I really wish I could talk to you again. There's so much stuff going on inside and I really just feel like I need an extra appointment, or something. I know we are supposed to be winding down and probably only have a few sessions left, so I'm trying not to bring up anything serious, but I'm really having a hard time holding it all together. I'm kind of scared, and I need some help.

I'm sorry.

Ness

Thanks for telling me to drop you an email if I'm anxious. Means a lot that you're still 'there' and are not trying to boot me out of the nest.

I have a couple questions, though.. why no mention of the email I did send? And also, didn't you want to know how that other thing is going? Did you forget?

A little puzzled...

... and a little sad I couldn't broach anything beyond small talk today. I was trying to build up to it, I guess, but didn't get there before time ran out. Oh well. There's always next week, right? But I'm convincing myself you don't want to talk about it. I don't even know what I want from the conversation. Maybe there isn't even any point in embarrassing myself.

Dear T,

You're being weird. Why are you being weird? Now is a really bad time for this.

Love,
Sally

Dear T,

Things are getting worse. I thought they would be heading toward somewhat better by now but it's been 12 weeks and I'm still a hot mess here, T. I don't think things will ever be ok....

What are you thinking about all this??? When you see me coming do you get irritated? I imagine you think I should stop moaning and move forward already - that there are way more dreadful things going on in the world than my little problems...I imagine you are sick of me

(((sally))) Missed you homie.

I'm in hell...you can answer that message anytime now. And for f ucks sake, don't ask me to contact you and then leave me hanging...

I wouldn't have accepted the offer to contact you if you didn't ask me to, and then you rattle off the briefest, most generic, stick-to the script response that leaves me feeling like I would have been better off just saving my thoughts for myself. It feels so insincere.

I'm sorry I failed you. Did you really expect anything greater from me?

Dear T,

I've never really expected or desired for you to respond to my emails (although I love and appreciate it when you do) but this time I guess I was really hoping you would. I don't know why things have hit me so hard right now, but they have, and I really could use a bit of extra support. I know it is completely wrong of me to want that, especially since you already do so much for me, but I do. Gosh I'm so selfish!

I was pretty confused after our last session, and now I'm upset and scared and insecure and just don't really know what to do. I know I shouldn't need you, and I usually know that I don't, but right now it really feels like I do. I feel like I just need help, I guess, and you are the only person I can think of that can do that for me right now.

I am sorry I emailed you, and I'm sorry I'm so weird right now. I don't know what's going on, and I'll do my best to figure it out soon so you don't have to deal with it. I'm sorry.

Ness

Dear T,

I'm disgusted, hurt, embarrassed, tired and trying to stay afloat. Therapy no longer has the appeal it once did.

Dear T,

You were right when you said that I don't love myself. But it goes further than that. I hate myself. And I don't have the courage to tell you. What's the point? You're leaving soon anyway. I've dealt with it this long... :/

It is hard not seeing you every week. I am mad at you. I feel like I trusted you for nothing. I feel abandoned. I feel like you don't care about me and are glad you don't have to see me so much anymore. I cancelled tomorrow because I feel angry at you. I have been having suicidal thoughts but I know you don't care so why bother you with it.

Dear T,

Go the hell away. Go be a team with someone else. Go be a team with pdoc, since you seem to love him so much. I hate you both.

-pbutton

Dear T,

I hope you were telling the truth about me being the first client of yours who's ever heard of the Johari window before. It made me feel kind of smug.

TR

I have to admit that I'd forgotten all about Johari windows (and I had to look up the definition to recall what they were) - but I did one some 6-7 years ago, with a few friends providing input, and I managed to find it again. It was rather interesting to look at it now. Thanks, tiny, for the reminder!

I hate you

Dear T,
I miss you I hope you are having a nice holiday though.
HT.

It's all your fault. Not really but I wish I could blame you. I hate you for making me trust you. I don't want to do this anymore but I know I need to. You suck. I like you. Do you like me? I hope you like me. It would make me so sad if you didn't. Am I just another patient? I feel like just another patient. An hour out of your week. How you pay the bills. You don't really like me do you. I hate you. Thanks for making me feel like I can trust you and now I hate myself for that because I'm nothing to you.

Any why haven't you cashed my checks from the past 4 weeks!?

I really don't understand what happened. The thoughts are fast and furious. I force myself to picture my daughter's face - the one who's old enough to understand. I see her breaking down and I tell myself I will not hurt her. I will not.

It's a special kind of torment, these thoughts, these images. I want it so badly sometimes. But I have made my life what it is. I chose to bring other people into this world, and I can't leave them.

And then I tell myself to stop being such a ****ing loser. You are not worth it. These thoughts aren't about you, not really. They're about feeling as if I have failed absolutely. I'm ashamed to acknowledge that I'm even thinking these things right now. Wtf? What is wrong with me?

It's not ever going to stop though. I've had these thoughts forever. Since long before I knew you. They always come back. And I get so tired of fighting them.

Dear T,

Thank you for being there with me tonight. I felt connected and like I'm going to be ok. You probably had no idea but I really felt safe right when I walked into your office. I don't remember *ever* feeling that way before and I know it's because you try so hard to be present and that you care.

Thank you for taking the time to help me get grounded. I told you how I felt so overwhelmed and panicky and not only did you not just leave me in that state, but you immediately came in and I felt you empathize with my pain and you showed me a way out. No one ever cares enough to do that for me. They just leave me or tell me I shouldn't feel that way. But not you.

You were on tonight, T. And you have no idea how much I really needed that right now. I meant it when I told you I appreciate your feedback

Dear T,

Thinking of you.....
Thinking of how much you mean to me....
Thinking of how much you've hurt me.....
Wondering why??