Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

I wanted to tell you last time that things arent so good right now but I thought you knew that. Now what do I do to get you to see what is going on inside me, I am scared and lonely. There is too much pressure right now and I can't talk about it please help me. you are always there for me, i need to be on the 2nd floor where i will be safe and be able to sleep.

Dear T,

I don't want you to have a week off. I understand why you need time off, I just don't want you to.

dear T,

sometimes i want to strip the "responsible girl" name off and stop going for therapy altogether. i'm tired, T. i'm tired of trying. i wanted to tell you how much i wanted to quit, how i actually quit my AD cold turkey but went back on it because i felt guilty, how tired i am of all this. but i just don't know how.

- htn

It's worked out okay.

Do you think your last 3-4 postings, in this thread are appropriate? Considering what the thread is for and what others, who are in pain writes?

I am being abused and dont know what to do and maybe I deserve it I dont know. I have wanted to tell you but what can you do, can you stop her.
you call her the warrior princess and i call her just plain mean and cruel. What do you want me to do now.

t, you really threw me a curve when you backpedaled on your previous offer. i almost didn't hear you say the part about i could do it myself. but i did hear you say that. and you are right. i guess this therapy thing does work huh. so i did it and now i can't wait to tell you about what happened. now that i've done this i'm thinking we are getting closer to the termination that i keep pushing for. yes!

I'm remembering what you plastered in my brain: what Evers going on for her, is about her, and not about me. I'm not judging. Thank you FM.

Maybe it's dawning on me what's healthy and what's not.

I used to get the sense that this thread was intended for members to be able to share the vulnerabilities that they want to express to their T but are unable to - not a place for passive aggressive reactions to what is going on on the forum. So, I'm with you on this.

These are messages to my therapist. I had a minor disagreement with her yesterday morning. And this is my response to her. You and your hugs and thank you people can take it. How ever you choose. I heard y'all about the emailing boundaries- and so now I use this thread to comment on things I didn't get to say to her or things that come up in my head that I won't get to say. It's a no win situation trying to please everyone. Not everything is about you. Especially, what you just commented on.

This is exactly what I use this thread for. When I was growing up. I had to check Mom's mood so I would no what and how I can be. If other people are sad I have to follow suit? I can't do that anymore. If other people are happy I can't be sad? Can't do that any more.

t, thank you for responding to my email. i didn't expect a response, and I feel guilty now that i didn't wait til my appt time to send it, i was just really excited that i got a copy of my essay back and wanted to share it because you were so excited for me when it won the contest. no, wait, i am not going to feel guilty, i shall consider you taking the time to respond as repayment for reneging on your previous offer of that other thing that i have since done for myself.

I'd imagine that if you were to go back to your old posts on this thread and take an honest look, you may discover that your intentions are not always as benign as you are making them seem.

Spot on! And I totally agree. I get that feeling too.

Sadly I also think that I agree with the above posters. Many times I have felt like forum members and posts were being mocked or criticized in a sort of "veiled" manner in certain Dear T posts.

Dear T
I feel like I have suddenly had to see my entire life past/present/future in an entirely new light and I am feeling terrified and confused and even a bit hopeful....just a huge jumble in my head right now. Still not sleeping well at all and lots of anxiety as well. Now would be a really nice time for a reply, even just a "we can discuss this next week" sort of response would be helpful. Feeling quite unsettled and want to make sure that you are still here with me through this process.

I would like to respond, but this is not the appropriate place. Where?

I'm not sure I have an answer for you.

Last night I had a dream where you told me everything is going to be alright. I believed you. And out of nowhere you cut me. My guts came out. And then you left me to clean up the mess. I did not feel supported or safe but I felt pressured to discuss what you wanted to discuss.

I actually sought out other resources. I don't feel that I can depend on you anymore. And you're leaving anyway. What does it matter what I want? I am used to people leaving. You cut me open, knowing that you would be leaving soon. Do I really matter that little to you? And while I am angry with you, the only thing I want is for you to stay and tell me that everything will be alright.

I'm sorry, but I don't know how you can know her, or anyone's honest intentions more than they can. Is it possible that everyone can leave this alone? I think this is a destructive dynamic, calling people out and making them "prove" what their Dear T posts are all about.

So what if someone does make a comment on a post or thread? I have seen this happen elsewhere on this forum, and no one bats an eye. I read the couch sometimes and people are discussing other threads and/or other posters on occasion. Why not just let people have their say here and move along or don't read, if it's something that irritates you?

I think people should post whatever they want on here. It doesn't have to be negative.

I don't think posts in the nature of 'see, T, these people are really stupid! But don't worry, I'm not going to let them bother me!' are appropriate - and that IS what the posts were, lets call a spade a spade. And any 'veil' was lifted with a post on another thread - now deleted - about how apparently Ts/psychs read this forum for shits and giggles and to 'research' BPD. You know what you wrote, GTGT. Not cool.

This USED to feel like a safe place to post. Real people have used this thread to expose real pain and real vulnerability. So, yes, my feathers are ruffled a bit.

Where to comment?

All of this makes me think how horrified i would be if T turned out to be a member on here. I'm fairly sure she'd be able to figure out who I am and if she felt compelled to search for my posts and read through them...