Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

PLease forget what I sent you in the email. But please have mIracles up your sleeve tomorrow. I really need one.

I'm mad at you for not making time for me. I'm even more mad at myself for thinking that you would.

Dear T,

I needed you more than she does. She has a family and support system. I've got ....well you know what I've got. You chose to treat her over me. I hope karma kicks in soon for all of you. I did nothing to deserve this from you and you think I should just "forget" what's been done to me. I won't forget an injustice - ever. I'm mortified you and she would hurt me this way.

dear T, I'm afraid you will see the peace in me and wonder... don't ask, but please ask. I'm so conflicted and unsure right now. I'm sorry I am this way. I'm sorry I am so difficult and stubborn and annoying and unchanging. I know I should know better, but I just don't change. I really fear the change, because it's ****ing scary. I know I need it, but I would just as soon go down with the ship. Please know I don't mean to be so all over the place and so seemingly manipulative. I really don't mean it that way. I don't know how to say some things, so they come out wrong...
also, please answer my question about when you are leaving, because I really need to know that...

dearest T, I am white-knuckling it over here. I miss you. 4 months is a very long time, when I have grown so attached to the stability of your support and empathy. I am doing what I must, and I won't throw away our work by doing something stupid, but I am struggling with so much emotion and pain, and it makes me feel ashamed.

I want to get you something for fathers day, but you aren't my father.

I feel the same.

Do it anyway.

I twice got flowers for Madame T on Mothers' Day.

I suspect he will not accept anything I might give him. He's pretty serious about the boundaries thing.

You are really amazing and I feel like I don't deserve you.

Dear T,

I wish you had trusted me with the truth. You had the ability to help ease my pain and suffering if you were just honest with me. Don't take advantage or feel so secure in my love because it will not necessarily protect you. Not when you've hurt me this much. Not when you have not expressed even an ounce of remorse for what you've done. I know you are self protecting but at what cost to me? You could have found a way, even an indirect way (you seem to have a skill with that when you want to) to tell me the truth. But you didn't even think enough of me to give me that. That hurts big time. If you cannot explain yourself to me then maybe you can explain it to someone else.

T,

I see no way through.

I´m sorry T but what a stupid question to ask!!!! You could have SO answered that one yourself !

deleted the rest ...sorry felt too personal after a bit.

Dear T,

I wonder how you'll feel on father's day. I don't know what your relationship with your dad was like, or if he's still alive, because you've never mentioned him. You've mentioned your mum, but never your dad. I don't know if you have kids or stepkids. I don't know what the day means to you. I doubt you'd tell me if I asked. I don't want to know if you have children, anyway, because I'll be jealous.

Dear Ex-T,

Enjoy your vacation.

I probably don't mean that.

dear T,

is it me, or do i get that judgmental vibe from you sometimes? it's bothering me.. to be honest. *sigh*

- htn

I go back and forth between wanting to tell you all of it and none of it. I am so scared of our next meeting, though we both know these things need to come out. Just walk me through it, okay?

Dear T,i am confused. But i now know that i have done the right thing.

Indeed yes.

Why did you tell me yesterday that you would call me this afternoon if you weren't going to keep that promise? You asked if it would be okay and I agreed. You even checked if you should call me on my home number or cell. Am I missing something? I don't want to care but I do. I feel so alone.

I really hate that you are away so much but at the same time I feel so guilty for feeling that way so in conclusion I just feel like complete ****.

I'm dying to ask my T what father's day means to him and if he receives gifts or phone calls from his children.

I can not continue holding all of this. I tried to hold this fear, even to accept the possibility. But it isnt getting better, it is getting worse. I need help with this thing that resides within. I cant work on me if.I am worried about my safe base. I am asking for help.

Dear T,

Just how am I supposed to battle my insomnia, with all these Overtime Stanley Cup Games?!!?

GO BRUINS!!!

Dear T,
I really wish that I could talk to you. Things are so hard right now and I don't know that I am going to make it or even if I want to make it any more. Part of me wants to stop seeing you because then I can quit trying to keep functioning and just accept defeat. As long as I am seeing you I don't feel I can give up. But I'm so very tired of this struggle. It never seems to end. In the past several years I have lost everything even my hopes for a family. When is it finally acceptable to say enough is enough and I give up?