Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

It's that B word again from the Same B.

Dear t,
Why do you come to me in my dreams?
Last night we just looked into each others eyes and held hands. It felt so intimate but yesterday I felt so far away from you. Did you come to me last night to reassure me you are there?

Yes, I know I should be sleeping. A wasted night. I know I really do need to go to school or just plunk myself back in my field for a 9 to 5! Education is the most appealing, but despite what you say, I can't write. I'm just not ready. I got a little prickly, when I saw the an old tired stereo type...and then I know I should have posted to you or gone to bed. The good thing is I am not distressed by a faceless stranger. In fact, I feel good about myself for speaking my thoughts. I have a beautiful kiddo to raise. I want this stuff to stop. I will share this stuff on Saturday.

dear T,

i will go through with you that hurtful event that happened years ago the next time i see you, and hopefully i would be able to tell you that it was actually you who triggered back the memories and hurt from that event. it was all because of you when you refused to see me during my admission in the hospital. i do hope it'll turn out okay.

PS: i actually wish that you'll become my pdoc when your colleague aka my current pdoc leaves because i really don't want to change pdocs again. but i understand that having a senior doctor role in the hospital leaves you with little clinical slots so i'll just stay mum.

- htn

stop looking out the f'in window

Dear T,

I am so hurt by you. I can't believe you broke the one promise that you had ever made me. That you wouldn't cut me off. That we would be able to continue where we left off. I had my hesitations going into residential. I always listen to my gut. Always. But i went against it this one time, out of trust in you. And look what happened.

i am hurt that you won't talk to me. I am hurt that no one will even let me say goodbye. i am hurt that no one explained that this would happen. I am angry that you broke your promise. I am mad at myself for trusting you. I don't even know what to think.

Somehow tho, I am still loyal to you. No one will ever replace you and I will fight until the end to get you back. I love you and I hope you know that. There was that immediate connection that you only find like a couple times in your life time. My gut tells me that we were a perfect pair and we were. because i see myself in you and vice versa. i miss you a lot.

I feel like my heart is going to break.

You said...

"Anger is only one feeling we've shared. You've been way more angry with me in the past and we have both survived, even thrived. I have not forgotten all the other feelings we've lived through together. "

I'm hoping and wondering if the primary "other feeling" is love

People living in fear can't confront bigotry when they see it. Like you said who knows what's going on for them. It's about them not about me. I'm glad I have real life friends , a few others, and you. The romper room has no springs. Ready to work on that last part tomorrow.

Thanks for calling back. I'm glad you're not faceless.

Dear T,

The TRUTH shall set you free along with your co-conspirator. Remember, our mom's always told us to fess up. Lying does no good.

I am beyond understanding. How, after all of this time, could you drop me so thoroughly?

T,

Please have some empathy and understanding today. You may not agree with what I feel I need to do, but I need your support in order to face the work that's ahead of me. I don't want it to be 'your way or the highway'. Please don't make me have to choose.

Telling me we were stuck has now made our therapy work turn the most wonderful and productive it's ever been

T,

I didn't want to talk about my past SUI attempt 5 yrs ago. And you kept insisting, so I relented. And during our session I dissociated because it was easier that way. But afterwards, all of my emotions from back then hit me full force. So much so that it made me feel the same way again. This is your fault. I didn't want to talk about it. And don't say that it's not healthy to bury my emotions. I am not stupid. I know that. But I buried them for a reason and now I am in PAIN. So I am dissociating again. I don't want to feel anything. I am a mess. Oh, and pulling this **** only a month before you are scheduled to leave? That's f***ed up.

You will leave and I will feel gutted. Even more so than I do now.

Dear T
I wish your kind words and support you show me would allow memories from my past to resurface so I can deal with them, I am tired of fighting the unknown. I need to know. Why can't you make them resurface for me. What do I need to do. Please tell me. ~Thank you for being there for me.

dear t,
I wish they had discharged me in time to meet with you yesterday. that weird "after hospital" feeling is back and I wish I could talk about it with someone... mom and wife just don't understand or know what to say... I'm not happy that I have to wait until Tuesday because of the holiday, but at least I am no longer in such a desperate place that I can't wait... I would just prefer not to.

Jajaja. Isn't that interesting though, because that's so much I think the general piece. The general piece is that as long as you are distinguishing somebody on the bases of race, but the distinguishment that you're making is somehow said to be positive or in that line then it is not racist. It's only racist if yore saying negative things about somebody based on their race, and I'm sorry I can't buy into that. If you're distinguishing someone based on their race then it has to be racist - PERIOD Whether its good, bad or indifferent. Yes even the schooled have to ask. Such is the nature of life.

Help me

I understand that a termination letter is a clinical document, and that given that it goes in my chart, there's only so much you can say. You summarized parts of my treatment well. You also left out giant portions of it, or sanitized it through clinical language. A lot of what was left out felt like the core of the work to me.

It saddens me deeply to feel as if, after all of this time, you really don't know me at all. The thing that I feared most came true, and you hid behind some revisionist version of events that made you out not only to not be the bad guy, but to be acting in an ethical manner.

I don't understand at all why you would ask me to let you know that I received your letter. If you really needed confirmation of its receipt, you should have sent it as certified. I can't help but think that what you really needed confirmation of was the fact that you had made the right decision to abruptly cut off therapy. And yes, no matter how you try to rationalize your actions, I would think it would be difficult to deny that giving me two days advanced notice before our last session (which you deemed our last session, by the way) was not an abrupt decision.

I feel hurt that you didn't (and don't, as evidenced by your letter), appear to feel compelled to try to understand my point of view and to try to do things better.

Again, I understand that a termination letter, designed to cover your butt, can't convey much of anything useful to me. Your "hopes" for me were all of the most generic kind.

You have completely devastated me. Even if you can't acknowledge it to me, I need you to know this.

I hate that I am nothing more than "your job"

you suck at listening and I am tired of hearing about your pregnant daughter in Colorado. I have given you advice about how to deal with your feelings and about being a first time grandpa for 6 months now. Your daughter is doing fine, she is a big girl with a husband. I on the other hand could use some help and I am leaving you without a word as to why because i feel used by you. Good bye

Dear T,

I've been trying to use the coping mechanism we practiced last time, but it's not working as well in my everyday life /: maybe my situation is too far gone (?) idk...I wish I could see you more often, T. I really do

It was good to see you at the concert, and chat during intermission. Jajaja, boundaries! Whatever gets people to the next step.

I actually accomplished something. Please don't be underwhelmed and tell me "now you need to do even more."

Jajaja! Stop laughing!

I try so hard to keep you at distance and it is working now but for how long? I never want to feel close to you, to miss you, to need you and to care about you. And you being nice is really not helping, maybe you could be mean sometimes??
I think during last session you got frustrated with me being "away" I´m sorry can´t help it.