Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Hmmm... How do you tell someone you forgive them?

Dear T,

So I couldn't say that word and I asked you for a pen and paper to write it down, and you gave me a nice sketchpad and the coloured pens to choose from. And I wrote it at the top of the piece of paper, and then I asked you to rip it up.

And now I keep thinking that I should have written it at the bottom instead of making you waste the whole piece of paper. I feel really bad about it.

Both your therapist and you dealt with that awesomely. Be a proud wastrel

Thank you. But I wasted an A3 sheet of paper! I only wrote on like 2cm of it!

Dear T,

Today I felt happy when I saw you. I felt comfortable to be myself and I smiled a lot today. We also laughed and I felt we really were both enjoying each others company

But then after I left, I quickly became lonely, sad and depressed again. It is usually the same way after I leave you. I don't want to become dependent but right now your the only one who makes me feel loved and cared for.

I really don't want to be terminated. I don't know why I am afraid of this.

Not to be cheeky, but because you were terminated? Hugs to you.

I miss you so much. I'm really struggling with work and wish I could tell you about it. Daughter turns one soon. I can't believe it's been a year since she was born. And a year since things started to get really bad with you.

lol. . . . .

T -So it came to our attention tonight , that you and I will probably be attending the same festival this weekend, and there is a better than good chance we will run in to each other. You told me you will not approach me first for confidentiality reasons, but that I could approach you. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could just hang out with you, laugh, have a beer...be normal people in a normal setting....but I know that will never happen. I also suspect that you will be there with your girlfriend, that is going to be SO hard for me to see. While I know you are a normal person, with a life that does not involve me , I can't help but wish it did. I just hope your girlfriend realizes how lucky she is to have such a beautiful woman (inside and out) by her side. I'm sure she does.

I really wish life wasn't so hard sometimes. I wish you could "fix" this for me, make these feelings go away...but no one can, only time will heal me....but I fear it will be a LOT of time.

Dear T,

I've been having mixed feelings again:

A) So I really miss you and wish I could just be with you somehow - wishing you would text me or something. Just having those "I miss you" feelings that come out of nowhere...

B) but then I'm thinking about how the week is flying by and I see you in less than 2 days and I'm also feeling a lot of anxiety around that...

I mean, seriously T...wtf???

Dear T,

Thank you for today! I feel like we cleared the air on a lot of things and I feel so much better than I felt last week. I really did think that you wanted to get rid of me. I'm so glad that's not true. I still have to quit in December or maybe not until March but I think we can do some hard work from now until then! I feel much more positive now!

I am willing to do the SE with you. I DO trust you!!

It was hard to hear that I'll have to pay you a lot for sessions next year but good to know that you'll let me come back.

I appreciate your telling me about my interrupting you and not listening to you. Please tell me when I do it all the time so that I can stop!

I feel like I "jinxed" you because you aren't wearing your contacts but you didn't answer me last time so I will keep my mouth shut. I feel sorry if you can't wear them for some reason. I know my talking about it with you had nothing to do with your not wearing them. I'm not that powerful.

I will try to live life as you want me to do! I'm not getting off my forums though. I like to write and I like to help others, too. It's meaningful to me.

I feel connected to you.
I know you care about me.
I feel like you understand me.

I don't like that you don't want me to email you but I'm accepting that I pay you to help me, and that's the RX you're giving me. If I want to get better, I need to take the medicine even though it hurts me.

Love,
rainbow

Dear T, I'm not sure if I should tell you about the big slip up I've had recently. I know I probably should, but I don't think I trust you and am afraid of what you might say or do.

I can't even comprehend approaching them about it. Can you imagine if they didn't respond back kindly? I just can't go there. Fix it, T.

Dear T,

I said yesterday that I know that when you're on holiday you don't give your patients a thought, and I made you think that I am fine with that.

Well, I'm not. And I'm sure you think about some of your patients, just not me. And I'm not fine with that either.

Dear t,

I accomplished something today! Eeek! I feel really good...like nice good! I hope i remember to tell you on thurs...i hope i don't forget how good i feel! I think if you knew about my day today you would think it's a good thing....i think you would be proud of me! I'm an adult and sound so stupid but i hope i can share this with you, i really hope i remember today...tomorrow...it's so worth remembering.

I can relate. I so hate the idea of the professional detachment that I'm going to try deconstruct at least the "T opinion vs her personal opinion" part of it before we get really started.

I would love to think I'm somehow uniquely valued to T... but that will only end in tears, so I will block out the fact she has other clients and just focus on the work. If there is some transference, I wont be afraid to say it, after all the advice from PC.

Isn't it retarded how ineffective and flawed we can feel as adults? The human condition is frigging ridiculous.

Dear T,

I don't have anywhere to put you. When I thought you were angry, cold and rejecting, I had a place to put you, it made sense to me. Now I'm just really confused. I don't have anywhere to put you caring for me. It's like water on wax.

Dear T,

I am beside myself again. Thinking and thinking how you could just throw me away like this. You actually thought I was stupid enough to be taken in by this psychological mind game you were teaching my co-worker to use on me? You thought it was o.k. for her to "trick" me into believing that she actually cared about me? Is this your technique for handling interrelationship problems? Instead of being honest with someone you encourage manipulative tactics to "win" someone over? Have you ever been honest with anyone in your life? I mean that sincerely. You should really ask yourself that question. I don't need to know the answer but you do.

I want to tell you off so bad but the more I think of what you've done to me the worse I get. How can you think I can just move on??? I work with this individual every day. You don't have to work with someone everyday do you? You have different clients all day long and only answer to yourself. Well I don't. I have to see her everyday and know that she has been told by you all my personal information. This is the worst feeling for me ever.

You couldn't even bring yourself to apologize to me. Why? Are you embarrassed about what you've done? You should be. It was to your benefit to apologize and clear the air. I gave you more than one chance to do so. You were so important to me. I'm not talking about "romantic" love here. That is all you think of isn't it? That is why you never "got me" (I thought you did). I'm talking about a love on another level altogether. What's the point. It's over now. The hurt of being betrayed by not only you but also my co-worker at a time in my life when I am down in a hole is more than I can bear. It hurts so much to realize that you have no remorse for hurting me like this.

Dear T, I've been in therapy with you for over 8 years. we have faced all the big demons, but I'm still ****ing up. still mindlessly eating and not being vigilant enough about my feelings. still in many ways where I was 4 or 5 years ago. I feel like you think I should be done. The thought of not seeing you every week terrifies me. maybe i stay out of control with my food because it keeps me in therapy. maybe I'll start going to your church, then you can be my friend even after therapy. maybe I sound like a stalker when I say that, but I'm really not. maybe i replaced 25 years of marriage to a domineering man to a relationship with you. i have no one else in the world who i can talk to like i talk to you.

I can't even begin to tell you how much your support means to me. I didn't think there were any heroes left in the mental health field but I was wrong. You care about your clients and you make it safe for me. Thank you for thinking of me.

T,
please don't reject me. I know i have been a pain in the rear end, and probably don't deserve your patience, but please give it to me anyway.
HT.

I miss you so so much....

Dear T;

I just emailed you my life's story. Please don't force me to talk about it next session. Please don't hate me for not telling you sooner, please still think I'm a good person. I just want to be helped and to be loved. Why it is so hard for me to not tell you these things in person?

Dear T,

I hate scripted responses. I can never tell what's real or what's bs....I wish I could trust that you're genuine.