Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

((((Murray))))),
I just wrote something really similar to this elsewhere. I hear you

T,
When is it okay to wave the white flag and accept defeat? I can't continue like this, it is not therapeutical for me to hold all of this and be overwhelmed. I don't want to email you and get the execution boundary. I almost don't care anymore, I am so tired of fighting. Just commit me and let them drug me to the point of no return. My progress ends in defeat.

T;

There is so much I want to say out loud to you, but even I can't seem to find the voice to say these words. I just wish you only knew, so I didn't have to voice them. I wish I was able to see you more so maybe I could find my voice.

dear t(s)

thanks for nothing.

Dear T

You don't know me yet, but how am I going to sleep tonight?

Also, please don't view me, deep down, critically and negatively. I want to trust you, and you to trust me.

And yes, I'm a bit awkward, a bit socially inept. Treat me gently.

Lastly, please mind read that I need more help than I might appear to need. I will work so hard in return, for you, on me.

Dear T,
I'm sorry I worry you. I'm sorry I'm not more together. I'm sorry I make it so difficult to secure other services. I'm sorry I'm "that" client. I really don't mean to be

Dear T's supervisor,
I'm sorry you are left fielding his emergency calls over the weekends and after hours. I'm sorry I'm such a handful. And I'm sorry I could not bring myself to ask them to keep me there longer... you have no idea how awful the experience was. I'm sorry I ever complained about the place you recommended. While they were crap compared to what I am used to, they were miles above this place (at least they cleaned and checked in with me)... I want to promise to be a good little girl and keep things in check and do all the right things, but I don't know if that will happen, so I'll just say I'll try. And I hope not to piss both of you off at me. I'm sorry I'm "that" client...

Dear both of you,
I wish I had access to something that worked. I wish the depression lifted instead of got worse. I wish I had not screwed up the state benefits, because not only would I be able to pay you more for all your work, but I would likely have been able to get into a better place this time, and gotten at least a shred of help. But I suck, so that did not happen.

And finally, exactly what Mapleton said...

Dear T...

I am feeling so confused lately. I want to tell you how I feel, but I am so afraid of rejection because my whole life has been filled with rejection. I am feeling an intense attraction to you, and I realize it's probably just transference, but I don't know what to do about it or how to talk to you about it.

I know that I am needy...too needy I'm sure...but I do need you. Even more than just the attraction I feel to you...I need you to care about me. To encourage me. To be there for me. To accept me. I need you to not ever leave me, but I know that you're only here for a while, and I am trying to be ok with that.

It was so hard for me to ask you to see you more often, and when we established parameters around it -- being that to get me to a place of not cutting -- it actually makes me want to cut more because I want to keep seeing you more often.

I also need for you to tell me that I am ok as I am without me telling you that I need to hear it. I need you to tell me that I am beautiful and acceptable as I am -- that I don't need to lose weight like every other professional has told me that it's ok, and that I should. I need you to tell me that I am lovable as I am.

Sometimes...I need you to read my mind...

Dear T,

I'm not doing very well right now - having a lot of obsessive thoughts/behaviors and I know I'm avoiding or something....I'm feeling like you can't help me anyway so why share any of this with you? But I know that's not the truth. I don't know why I'm so out-of-control-confused and maybe that's why I don't wanna share this crap with you. I'm afraid you are repulsed by my state of being

Dear T,

Honestly I hate my life. I don't want to be here anymore. I smile all the time to keep the bad things away. I know you will never know this and it's my fault and I'm ok with it. I just go in case H tries to use my mental health in court and you can give me my letter but other than that I realize I can't share the bad stuff with you. I can't. 6 months is a long time...too long, i'm just trying to survive. None of the changes I've made have made me feel any better...they make things worse. I don't understand where this is going at all. You want me to believe i'm a worthwhile person when my whole freakin life has been so full of crap. How am i supposed to change my thinking when reality tells me the opposite? I wonder what you really think about me..i really do.

T,

I'm hallucinating and no I'm not going to tell you. I don't need the crisis center or more meds. And I'm moving, peace.

me

According to your signature, you want us to knock you back in your place if you ever decide to come off your meds.

Quote: "If I ever want off meds. or out of therapy please knock me back in my place!"

T,
I wonder if you are thinking of me?

Dear T,
I am tired of your tongue in cheek fishing for compliments. I mean really. My sessions supposed to be all about me. Not about you and your midlife crisis as a man. I took a break because the last session was overwhelming. Not because of the work. But because you told one "hot white guy" joke too many. I'm emotionally exhausted from life, my past, and expectations alone. Lord knows I can not handle stroking your ego when my husband expect that enough. Hence, leading to my insecurities about my body image and ageing in general.
I know you will never be able to tell me I am gorgeous, breathtaking, an amazing woman, a brilliant woman. No, you are not allowed to tell me. But I did expect my sessions to eventually lead to a better understanding & acceptance of myself. Not me once again doing what I have been doing my entire life... Making males feel good about themselves. Constantly stroking their ego, tending to their needs, helping them fix themselves, supporting, being there... * LONG SIGH EXHALE * That felt good to finally say.

Dear T,
I'm terrified about your holiday. I do not know what to do with that. I can't ask for support either. Because I suck.
-M.

GAHH!!

Dear T:

Does it say something about me, to enjoy these on-ice brawls?!

T
I'm trying to be adult about this, but the screaming of the little BPA is deafening me to your efforts.

Dear T,

Did you ever consider how much this would hurt me? If you cared, you would apologize. It's the right thing to do. Maybe I should write and tell you that? IDK. Guess it won't do me any good anyway.

Dear T,

I don't know what I'm going to say to you. Did last week really happen? I wish I could cry for the whole session. Why do the tears go away when I get into the office and stay away until I leave?

I want to work on my issues more. Attachment is one of the issues. Why can't we work on that? Is the SE the way we're working on it? I think you told me that a while ago. Then why do you want me to quit? It's not normal for me to scream like I did. Please don't tell me you don't know what to do about it. Please know what to do with me tomorrow. We can do SE about the screaming, can't we? Or IFS? I know you will let me decide. You told me last week that you are trying to do the SE but I stop you. So that means you aren't giving up. Right?

Love,
rainbow

lol, Thanks. I'm not getting off meds but I guess that would count. I have to move hence new T.

Thanks

:thob:

Dear t,

Today was not a good day. I wish i could talk to you and tell you about it. I keep telling myself just make it through one more hour...on and on. I'm ready to go to sleep now. Made it through the day. I hope tomorrow is better.

Dearest T,

I just wrote a post about some of the things I like about you. It made me miss you something awful.

Four months is a long time. Hurry back, please.

T,
i think i may be broken.

Dear T,

At the end of today's session, you mentioned that this was the most I've shared in a session. I asked you how you felt about that, and you said "privileged....angry...sad"....I questioned why anger and your response was along the lines of being angry at what was taken from me and what I've had to endure.

It caught me off guard, because my instinct was that you were angry at me for not sharing with you sooner. I wish I would have told you that, although it clearly just shows how distorted and screwed up I am to think that way.

I really hope this path leads to progress.

****trigger warning****

While I was cutting fruit this came up (thinking of the Nigella Lawson choking thing)

Dear T,

One time, I badly emotionally hurt a close friend, who, understandably felt angry. It got heated, although not because I was pushing it to be. They started to strangle me. That's not the thing I think of though...

I didn't try to stop them. I fought the instinct to prevent it and to protect myself. I wondered what it would be like for everything to go black.

I might be able to tell this to you, T... but you're going to need to help me first.

(the friend I'm sure has guilt and suffers about this moment)

T, I'm sorry for being such a grouch in our last session. I was so grouchy that I didn't hear what you were saying until the end of the session. I guess I just want you to magically fix things and I was frustrated when you wouldn't tell me what to do to fix things. This was the first time I ever sensed that you were actually frustrated with me and boy, that hurt, because I think my grouchiness brought it out in you. Maybe I imagined it because I was so grumpy. Either, way, I'm sorry. I promise to work harder.