Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

You've made me swear off t's forever. Thanks for that.

you made me feel safe today and I never feel safe anywhere. I told you I was scared you wouldn't work with me and you said you were with me every step of the way through this and that you wouldn't leave me--those are powerful words, please let them be true. thank you, t. I am a frightened mess but I think I can take this journey with you.

Dear T,

You're right: it is all messed up in here. I hope you can sort the mess out, as I sure as heck can't.

I don't want to hear about the groups and meetings you go to.

Thanks for helping me with growing up. I know we've been through tough times, but we got through them. You're so important to me, still. These last few sessions have been great, I feel so close to you again. Thank you for caring about me, I know you do. It feels healing to me. Don't know where I'd be without you. You teach me so much.

Your gaze of intimacy:I am enamoured when you give me that 'look'. You remind me of the mother from a beautiful Madonna and Child carvings, paintings, etc. When it sinks in that the look is for me I can now gaze back. Sometimes, sheepishly, but not in a bad way. It makes my heart smile to know that someone cares that much about me.

Love,

GTGT

FM: Found out I'm being ignored by some. Looks like I've pushed a few buttons.
Glad I didn't get off on the wrong floor.

Thanks FM, for helping me build EMOTIONAL MUSCLE!

T, you know I think you're a fantastic T. Heck, I just referred someone to you, and she is going to see you. I know I've been doing better and am stronger, but you challenged me so much in my last session.... Yes, it was good for me, but it was also too much. I can't take quite so much right now! I'm doing the best that I can, for me, at this moment. Please, tread a little more lightly in the next session...please....

Would you just effing listen to me.

stopdog, I have a hug for you if you'll accept it. You can answer silently. It's there for the taking.

Dear T,
I am desparately trying to tell you something but I don't have the words. WHY WON"T YOU LISTEN!!!

Dear t, I don't think I'm going to feel like talking tomorrow, because I'm afraid if I do I will just pick a fight with you and I don't want to do that. What I would really like to happen is this: I curl up on the couch and hug my pillow and you tell me a story. Please tell me a story t. A once-upon-a-time, from your perspective, all about me. I am just brave/crazy enough to want to hear what you would say. Please t?

I knew going into this you would only be there for a limited time. And you're leaving now, so I feel abandoned. I know it doesn't make sense, but there you have it. Why do you have to leave?

Dear T,

Further to which: too much challenging, not enough holding.

I'm really mad at you.

Dear T, I think I'm obsessed with u. I think about u all the time. I count the days until I see u again. Don't get me wrong, it's not erotic feeling. I have no thoughts or desires to have sex with you. I just can't get u out of my head. I'm just curious about u and would Like to know more about u. I wish u would just give me some personal information to satisfy my curiosity.

Dear T,

After only 2 sessions I really don't know you that well, and you don't know me well either. So it's good you are being careful. But this constant reassuring and telling me you don't want to accidently go over my boundaries is sort of annoying. I think you might not really understand how little I feel at the moment. lol. Your constant asking me if I'm ok, if the session was ok and how I feel about talking about stuff... I just feel like an idiot having to shrug and say 'i'm fine i think'. Like you think I should be more upset. The whole reason I'm in your office is that I am not. And when I am, I am not feeling it directly and not able to put it in words.

Also. I rather you don't act like I will break into a million pieces. But I guess I'll go find the courage to tell you that since this soft-approach is probably gonna annoy me to no end eventually.

Ah. You are pretty decent. So nevermind my complaining. I think we'll work it out. You are the first one I talk to ever. I must be weirdly bad at it.

I hate the outpatient program. Group therapy is useless for me. How is it going to help when I don't even remember being there?

Not doing so well and I really wish that you'd email or call me.

I feel like a freak. No one in the history of the universe has ever felt the way that I do, in terms of how I make sense of my past, how therapy works for me, and how I have healed (and am healing, and still need to heal).

And I am a freak as a wife and mother, because I have relished the opportunity to be away from my family in a beautiful location, and I am dreading returning to their demands and requests.

This is normal. Totally. This is proof that you are human.

Thanks for the validation, anti

Dear T,

When im mad at you and am difficult during sessions do you really care? I think i am just trying to hurt you back... Maybe my semi-unconscious decision to withhold from you last week and stay all surfacy is actually sort of a form of self-harm. Because I don't think it really affects you one bit. I go home to be with myself and all my self-loathing and you probably forget all about me the second I walk out the door. Why do I do this to myself??? I hope tomorrow is better but I'm starting to wonder if this is just who I am and there's nothing left to do about it....I hope you can help me.

Dear T
I'm drowning.

t - you were amazing today do you know that? i wanted to ask you to tell me a story, but I didn't get that far - I managed to tell you that I felt like picking a fight but I never got to the asking for a story part. Yet somehow you knew what I needed t. For the first time ever, YOU read to ME what I emailed you (the active imagination) instead of having me read it. I don't know how you are so in tune with me to have known to do that, but I am so thankful for it. Thank you for answering my email that I sent just after we hung up.

Dear T,

I know it's your job but thank you for encouraging my anger in my session yesterday. I didn't know I was going to come out with "I want to throw something at you", and then you wanted me to do it s l o w l y, the SE way. I like that I could say "I want to smash your phone and throw it into the lake!!" Saying those words helped as much as the SE part of it, I think.

Now we have to talk about who I'm angry with! Or maybe we don't. I know it's transference. I don't REALLY want to hurt you even though I wrote it in the email to you. I know you understand that.

Thanks SO much for answering my concerns at the end of the session when we had only a minute left. I was so confused that your marriage was always bad, when you never gave me that impression. I am always too concerned that you won't answer me or that I'm crossing boundaries, but it turned out that everything is okay with you. You're just making sure that therapy is about ME, not about YOU.

I was angry that you are NOT going to change your mind about holding my hand. You always promised, over and over, that you wouldn't take that away, but you did. I can forgive you because you said it's not good for me, but I can't forget. It was the best thing about therapy, and the best thing about any of my therapy, in all the years!!! I don't know why but that's the honest truth. Once I asked you why it felt so good and you said you didn't know. Maybe we can talk about that again.

I feel better now, not so angry, and more settled. Something worked yesterday, even though it took time. I'm still a work in progress, I know. I'm glad I'm working with YOU, and that I trusted my gut 3 years ago. I needed someone I fit with this time. Each T is different!

Love,
rainbow8