Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear t,

I was to busy crying to cancel. So I guess I'm still your client and I'll see you Monday. :'(

Dear T,
you really do know all the right things to say. Thanks
HT.

Dear T,

I miss you. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of you. We had a special relationship. I'll always you. Even if you don't return the feelings. I know you did care.

I just deleted a lot more I wanted to tell you because I forget that I am on the internet. Sometimes when I post, it feels like its just you and me alone. But it isn't is it? You've probably never read anything here on PC at all. That's o.k. I get to vent here a little.

I said I was angry and that's still true. I'm angry, sad, hurt, happy (yes that was not a typo) and still love you. My feelings fluctuate like most people. Be well and be happy whatever you do.

Who knows...you may check out this forum, and I feel confident that you would know who I am I would like to tell you that I feel clarity in knowing that you are the right T for me. 13 years ago when I was going through nothing less than chaos I had a different T and that was the way it was supposed to be. I think you have a good idea of where I am at. Sometimes I feel like you don't push me enough or offer me enough of your insight...but it doesn't matter...I know that this is right. Something I have been pondering...I am beginning to feel more at home with the break up of my almost ten year relationship with my ex. But what worries me is would I still feel the same way if I didn't have you? This is something that I will bring up the next time we meet...which isn't until mid May ...but you deserve a break,too! And I want to talk about the whole boundary thing..I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Dear T,

I think I'm ready to talk now. But I'm sure I will chicken out when I get in the room.

Dear FM,

Thank you for helping me make my life Wonderful!

dear T,

Lately I have been wishing I was alone in life so I could just disappear without affecting anyone.

Dear T,

this immune deficiency I have means I am going to die young anyway. Why wait? I can't handle much more of this.

never think this.....

In all there is a purpose.

I'm finding it hard to see a purpose in this. It just means my life revolves even more around doctor visits, continued illness, meaning I miss more and more of my kids' stuff, and in the end it's going to kill me anyway

Dear T, I know this depth work is necessary and in the long run is worth it. It just really hurts to be in the midst of it again. Thank you for being that container that you talk about, I'm finally starting to understand what you mean. I don't think I could explain it to anyone, but I do get it now. I'm hurting tonight and I want to talk to you sooner than Wednesday. But I also can see how much MORE I'd be hurting tonight without you. I'll wait until Wednesday. I know you say when I ask for an extra session I'm not bothering you but I can't help but feel like I am. So I'm not gonna.

I'm back on the forum, and, I know you don't agree. We both agreed that its not the best thing for me. I promise to unhook soon. You were right, it's not connection for me. For now, it's very benign in my life. Real life is much more fun for me. This week and tonight reminded me of that. Thank you for having my back.

Love You,

GTGT

Dear T,
I hope you had a happy birthday weekend. Looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday,
HT.

Nicoleb, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have my own problems with doctors. However, I see you have children. That is such a blessing!! I know you realize that but I just want to say, they are reason enough for you to press on and fight as long as you can to stay on this earth. Every day is meaningful to them to have their mother near no matter how you are affected by your illness. Just seeing them everyday must bring you great joy. Please remember, they feel that way about you too. I know it sounds cliche but living for the moment is all you have when battling illness. Doctors don't always know how long anyone has. Who knows? Maybe a new medication will come out soon. If not, you have today to see your kids. Best wishes & prayers go out to you.

Dear T,

It's easier to not tell you about my pain while experiencing it. Because you say just the right words and you care - I know you do on some level. That care is too much. It hurts me - literal pain all week until we meet again. I *hate* that and not sure i can withstand it. I'm afraid of myself and like I told you during our first session, I have to stay functioning. I have a family to take care of and support. I have to, T.

What can you say to make it work out? What can you do to really help me? I don't know. I like you but I'm doubting the process right now...it hurts to hold back from you and keep you at arms length but it hurts more when I let you in. Deep down inside I believe it's probably better not to withhold from you but will you be there when I fall? Once I share my guts out will you try to put it together again and make it pretty? Will you tell me I'm all set and send me on my way, pushing me out the door? Will you get frustrated with me and give up? Will you pretend I never told you in the first place and ignore it all in the end?

I guess that's the main thing...I hate being left alone just when I need someone the most. So that's why I'm holding my cards close. Sometimes this whole thing feels like some sick game. Once I give it up, it's over and I'm no better off but you will be moving on - congratulating yourself for being such a good T. Do I really feel this way, T? What does it mean? Ugh. Kinda ugly, isn't it? /:

Dear T,

Missing you bad tonight. Please, please, please don't tell her anymore about me. You've no idea how much it hurts.

I think you are at a loss with what to do with me because you aren't used to someone who has had such a hard time in life and been so harden by years of isolation. I think you are used to treating an eating disorder where little Sally has had the disease for 9 minutes and mom and dad are there to do anything to make life better for them. I bet that makes your job real f-ing easy. Sorry I don't fit the hallmark card image, but this is the reality of having the disease run wild for so long.

(I would never ever say this, but once in awhile I think this)

I would really like to hire help again: I HATE HOUSEHOLD CHORES!!!!!!!
...I won't. I'd rather pay you all of what your time is worth than make life easier with hired help. Wait - actually life has been a hell of a lot easier, more fun, and fulfilling with you. So, I'll do the laundry FM.

Love you,

GTGT

That 2nd "fake" letter writing exercise you assigned will not be occuring...I am having enough trouble with part 1, the real letter.

Dear T,

I want to talk to you but why would you care? My parents never cared about me so why would you? Why would anyone?

T (L),
I have such mixed feelings towards you, it's ridiculous. I hate you and need you at the same time.

T (R),
Yeah, I kind of just hate you. But in a nice way.

I am so sorry about today. I would have cried forever sitting there if our time wasn't up. I feel so, so guilty even though you told me not to like 5 times, but this is going to take a lot to get over.
If I do. Or I can just add it on to the pile of crap I can't seem to ever get over.

This is making me sad, but m not taking it on. I do feel empathetic.

Today is one of those days when I wish i had never met you.

Dear T,
I appreciate you. I love your calm, gentle and compassionate nature during our sessions. You have no idea how much it means to me that you are so careful with me. Yet, you still know how to push me when needed - and somehow it doesnt make me get angry. That truly is a gift.

I hope I'm not wrong about you....I don't want to be pushed away again. Please don't get sick of me and tell me you're done. I'm trying my best - I promise.