Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear T,
Thank you for letting me know that I was not alone even though you were not with me. Today I'm going to see you and it feels good, I've done my homework and will try to be open in therapy.

Dear T.
Thanks for being so understanding. I am going to feel so embarrassed going back to see you next week, but i guess you'll be just as understanding about that too.
I am scared, i hope you can see that.
HT.

Dear T,
I know you said that I should txt if I feel really bad, but you also said you were sure I would use that phone number with discretion. I guess a Saturday evening is not a good time to bother one's health provider. I'll be strong. See you on Tuesday.

Dear T,

To think i wanted you to email me. What you finally sent has made me so angry.

Good thing I will have time to squelch and redefine it before I see you again, so it doesn't change me.
This is EXACTLY what I intend to do, consciously or unconsciously.

I don't know why you stick with it
SAWE

Dear T,

I'm losing it here! I cannot handle this by myself, but I get that I'm not really letting you in....I hold so much back. Seriously, I'm about to burst at the seams T - do you notice?

Dear t
I'm scared. Each session ends with me in complete despair. You say that one day I will trust you enough to explore it more, I thought I did! You say you have been there you actually told me you spent ages in bed, like I do , cause its safe there. What you can't do is make it go away. The fact I hate my job doesn't help but it takes time to change it and I'm trying. You are away in a weeks time and I don't know how I'll cope. I have not let myself contact you for weeks now so I know I can do it on my own, but its going to be one hell of a week.
I want someone to make it all stop but no one can.

Dear t
I'm scared. Each session ends with me in complete despair. You say that one day I will trust you enough to explore it more, I thought I did! You say you have been there you actually told me you spent ages in bed, like I do , cause its safe there. What you can't do is make it go away. The fact I hate my job doesn't help but it takes time to change it and I'm trying. You are away in a weeks time and I don't know how I'll cope. I have not let myself contact you for weeks now so I know I can do it on my own, but its going to be one hell of a week.
I want someone to make it all stop but no one can.

T,

I'm going to destroy the journal. It's too risky. No one should ever know. It was a mistake to tell you. I see that now.

I'm going to end things. I am trying to wait until the kids are grown but it's getting harder and harder to wait. I don't know if I can. I can't wait to be at peace.

Life is strange now. And funny. I see everything clearly now. I am sorry I involved you in this. Please don't be mad at me. I'm going to call you tomorrow to thank you for everything.

I think it won't be long now. The right time is near

Dear T,
I cant believe its only been a week since our last session. So much has gone on since then..and now i have to go and talk to you about it tomorrow. I am really scared of what you are going to say. i am scared you will abandon me, or decide that i am not allowed to text you any more. I don't think i can handle that rejection.
Oh, what am i going to do? I think part of me is too scared to go and see you. I feel so embarrassed, maybe it's best that i don't see you.
I don't know.
Please help,
HT.

T,
Why couldn't you just call the Pdoc in the first place? why would you "put the ball in his court" and have me call them for his email address? Maybe you are just busy and that's fine, don't play games just say so. you are eager to help, yeah right.Feels like mess to me and frankly our fragile relationship can't tolerate much mess.

Please don't terminate me. I know I've been saying I want to leave, but the thought of you making that choice for me is terrible. I had my first panic attack today after getting your email. It's never good when you have to get consultation, is it?

Holy s hit, T. You ARE terminating me. Oh my god.

Dear T,

I think I made a mistake by allowing you to read my last two journal entries. I do think it was my way of asking for help, but now I'm terrified I actually did the wrong thing. You've realized I don't really share much in session and that my writings say so much more. You knew I was hiding behind my smile, but now you're asking me not to hide- not with you. Easier said than done, but you're asking me to try when we meet again on Thursday morning. I promise to try my best. Just please be patient with me.

Can you tell your T what you're thinking/planning? Can you call a hotline or go to a hospital? Please don't do what I think you're saying. Your kids NEED you. I want to reach out to you but don't have the right words. You're valuable and good. I don't know you well but I know you are. Please get help from your T. There's peace in THIS world too.

T,

I'm afraid to see you because I don't want to tell you about googling you. Usually there's nothing but now there are little tidbits of information that upset me a lot!!!! I don't know what's happened since last session. Maybe knowing that I have to face reality and not have you to fill the void has made me desperate!! I just want to be close to you but I can't be! I know it's supposed to be about me. Something snapped, though. I feel depressed. I like the photo of you on the SE listing but it triggers me. The transference feelings, if that's what they are, seem to be intolerable this week. I don't know what happened or why. Please help me tomorrow. Please be there, and don't cancel. I don't know how I can sit there with you though. I don't want to be honest this time. I don't want to tell you I'm upset about your life. I'm jealous of you!! I hope you're not going to wear nail polish all of the time now. I feel inferior to you.

rainbow

You don't have to suffer with that much pain. Please reach out to your T or if you must, go to the er. You are worthy and can get through...please reach out.

Never mind.

((((((((((((((((( TR )))))))))))))))) i could have written every word of this.

I hope yr T gets to hear it sometime, somehow. I try sometimes to say it, but my 'fog' actions surely negate all of it.

Dear T,

I am so lonely and don't know how to get through this. I do feel backed into a corner, T. Just like you said /: but the way out isn't pleasant and I CAN'T do it alone. I need you to be there but I'm not sure you will or that you really get me or what I mean. Maybe it's my fault but I just need you to understand and show me that you aren't like everyone else. Please?

I painted you something... It's nothing fancy, it's probably infantile/stupid/poorly executed and/or mushy... and I don't know if to give it you in case you feel obligated to keep it or display it or something. I just wanted to give it to you because of the sentiment behind it, why I wanted to paint it.... Urgh! I feel like a daft kid wanting to bring you a painting.. like as if maybe you could stick it on your fridge with alphabet letter magnets?! I should have just wrote you a card. When I started painting it I thought I could make it into a card.. but it wound up big... I don't know whether to bring it or not. I guess I can decide in the morning...

Dear FM,

I had a great time. Thanks for encouraging me to go. The architectural tour was fantastic. I have decided to not let my friend's irresponsibility regarding my kiddo upset me. He's fine, and I will be more proactive in the future ith what I want to happen when I'm away.

I read a thread about violent mothers, name calling, etc.,and I did not get triggered. I thought back to the name calling, knives, and rifle, etc that are a big part of my past, and am fine with it. It didn't even bother me to recreate the scenes in my head while i was reading. I remember when I use to deny having a mother, and a father for that matter, and you forced me to deal with them in session. So glad I did, because I accept my mother as she is, and can love and appreciate her because she is my mother. I even found a wonderful Mom's day card for her, for you too. No more night mares, no more sleepiness nights. Just love in my heart. Didn't need to forgive, because none of it is forgivable - just let go.

Also, thank you for reading the thread on core beliefs, and reassuring me it ain't so. That you wouldn't be in the business if you believed that way. I trust you, and believe you in this. Who's beliefs are those? Not mine. They were instilled in me when I had no say. Now I know I have a say, and you and me are working on changing them. FM, you do have a magic wand.

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

I hate sitting with my feelings for three weeks. It sucks. I don't know how much louder I need to say it, but I need your help. I need you to take me seriously.

damn you for allowing me to open up. don't you know that goes against every defense mechanism I have built up? and I swore to myself I wouldn't book the extra session with you and then when you offered it, I thought, "thank god...the offer is still there...please let me come back again this week..."

Dear T,
you patience and understanding never fails to amaze me. I thought i had f***ed things up for good between us, yet you met me with love and reassurance.
I don't actually think you'd ever be able to understand how much this means to me. Every single thing you did in (and after) todays session reassured me that i am important and that you wont abandon me. You saw through my fear, my embarrassment and my uncertainty, and gave me the response that i was hoping for all along.
You care about me!! I want to shout about it from the rooftops- "I MATTER TO SOMEONE!!".
This feeling is awesome!

I am so so happy to read this. It's an awesome feeling, isn't it