Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear T,

Thanks for understanding that "I feel like I don't want to come back" means "I need you to hear how I'm feeling" and not "I want to quit". Thanks for recognising that I'm talking about a whole bunch of feelings and not an actual desire to quit.

It's like this fog descends and I think you hate me and then when the fog clears I'm afraid I've messed everything up. It's all messed up in here, in my head, I don't want to mess things up out there as well.

Thanks for not taking the easy option. I wouldn't blame you if you did.

Dear T,

Do you think I'm disingenuous? I wonder if you are annoyed with me....am I really trying hard enough? I think I'm afraid that you will think I'm a crybaby or really ridiculous with whatever I bring up in therapy. Do you think my concerns are dumb? Ugh. This is a big barrier to me. Being afraid of what you think. Sometimes I'm not sure if what I choose to bring up is really important or not. It's frustrating. Why am I looking to you to tell me what matters to me? How messed up is that? If its important to me....but that's the thing - I don't even know what's important to me anymore. And now here I am in that no mans land. I feel like an idiot and you are just looking at me probably thinking like WTF?! You are just the therapist and I doubt you really care so much what I talk about as long as I'm honest. But I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be honest with you. I have a confession to make: sometimes I worry that this is a waste of MY time as well

Dear T,
I am so trigger from yesterday's session. I am scared. I wish it wasn't two weeks until our next session.

Dear T,

It's been 41 days since we were last able to have an appointment. Completely off your own back, you asked me to contact you when things got really bad and I needed some support, because you want to catch me when I fall and be there when no one else is. I couldn't believe my ears, but you said you were sure you meant it. Yesterday was the day for that brief but emotionally charged e-mail. I have a really hard time reaching out and asking for help, but I did it. I feel incredibly vulnerable and on edge because you haven't acknowledged or replied yet, and it's been over 24 hours now. There's no set time frame for you to reply within, but this isn't at all like you, maybe I was naive to believe you meant what you said. Please give me something T, anything to let me know you're okay and that you don't think I'm just one great big pain in your butt! I feel like the biggest doofus in the world right now.

Best wishes,
Bear

PS. I hope you're having a good day, and have been enjoying spring.

PPS. I'm missing you more than I'll ever tell you.

Dear T,
*sigh* Sorry.

Dear T,
I really appreciate you. I am hoping to be able to trust you more and open up enough to feel my emotions. You are great at pushing buttons when I need them pushed.

I'm having a really hard day today. A part of me thinks you may have an appointment open to see me tomorrow, but I'm too embarrassed to phone to check. I'll wait til next week.

Dear T,

I don't know how to tell you - maybe you already know - but I am beginning to feel like I will never be able to escape the strings that tie me, I will always be a marionette. And am wondering how long I can continue, believing that.

You are not much for encouragement. I wish you were, though.
SAWE

Dear T - When i finally tell you, you should feel honored. I don't fall in love often, and I don't fall in love with shmucks.

And so help me, if you smirk, I'm going to deck you. You're not all that great, y'know! Even though you think you are.

Ah, crap, I just dread this .....

I'm glad you can see me for the second time today. Yes, I let it trigger me. Sorry. Yet, I needed to speak. You are so understanding, and there for me.

Dear T,

Out of sight BUT not out of mind. You're in my .

Dear T,

I'm so triggered by today's sessions by both what was said and what was put into my chart that I was able to read tonight. Things I already knew, but just stings to read it in black/white. Plus, I'm really regretting telling you some things today. Wish I had kept my mouth shut. You claim that I had never told you before, but yet I had. May have been many months ago, but they are certainly not new. Telling you that these things are getting worse was my way of keeping you updated, but the truth is, they are freaking me out a bit. I didn't think you'd react the way you did. The concern on your face, should comfort me, instead you've got me scared. You said you're concerned that things are getting worse and we need to keep a close eye on things. But about what, you wouldnt tell me. I've got enough to worry about with my ED and waiting to get into the ED clinic. Really wishing I had kept my mouth shut today.

Thanks for meeting my needs tonight. I'm off to the beach. Bambino will be okAy, and I don't have to feel guilty. As soon as he gets home I'll tell him, and what the plans are for him. Your the best. I'm so glad I don't have to angst over our relationship anymore, and I can ask for what I need or want. I'm glad we nixed going the medication route, and you let the real me come out. I know it was rough for me, and I left you flummoxed many times. I remember one of my first questions to you: does trust come before love? I learned to trust you, and then love you. I've a lot of trust in myself now, and working on loving me. I now have an authentic-self in my real life relationships, and I'm loving it. I even got over my big time mom issues, and love my FOO - unbelievable.

Love you FM.

Dear T. I apologize for quitting so abruptly. I was having a bad day, everything just came to a head & I sent you that e-mail telling you that I was quitting. But, OTOH, it's not like I didn't forewarn you. I said several times that I just didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. If we had been meeting over coffee as friends, it would have been perfect. But to pay you to sit & talk about my adventures on YouTube & your love of horses, just didn't make sense to me. After a while it began to feel like "rent-a-friend". I guess it wasn't entirely your fault. Therapy where we live is all about forgetting the past & making needed changes for the future. And my life is such that there are simply no changes of any consequence that I can make.

So now I''m without a therapist & you've lost a client. Well, no matter to you. There's plenty more where I came from. I don't know that I'll try to find another therapist. I've seen a bunch over the years & it's never amounted to a anything. Maybe it's my fault. I do recall taking an MMPI years ago. It said that I would likely be resistent to therapy. I never thought I was. But maybe I just can't see it. Anyway, since I'm now going to be saving money as a result of not seeing you anymore, I have extra cash available to pay for additional medications that my psychiatrist has prescribed. Maybe that's the best route to go anyway.

I just saw this quote somewhere
"Also, unless the client has an issue that the therapist isn’t trained to deal with or is refusing to do the therapy homework or be engaged in therapy, I think it’s irresponsible for a therapist to just abandon the client. "
Oh no.. Is this why? I've been in a rut and you felt like this so you got rid of me. I can't take it. It was just a rut thats all just a rut.

is anyone here

I really am shutting down, and going to bed. I'm leaving in the A.M. And I will call you instead of plugging in, and looking for connection. I know you believe that can only come from RLR. I'm sure I'll be fine, and connect with my college roommate, and other friends when I need too. Thanks again my head guru.

T,

Often, I don't want to tell you things because I feel like you will judge me. I feel this way because of my issues not because of anything you did. From the very beginning I had a feeling that the fact that you are younger than me would cause me to feel embarrassed about having certain issues/problems. Some times age does make a difference. You don't understand how it is to be my age and you haven't experienced the things that I have. It is very awkward for me to share about being sad every time my best friend goes away for weeks at a time. I feel like a kid and I feel younger than you and I feel embarrassed.

This is how I feel in my relationship with T too

Dear T,
You said that you would be there whichever way I should decide to go...as though you aren't going anywhere regardless. How can you say that? This is therapy, T. This isn't a friendship, family relationship, etc. you don't know what will happen and not only that - I know nothing of your plans for the future and I know you would never tell me that. Maybe I'm reading too into things and that's not what you mean, but T, I am in no place to make sense of this stuff! I need you to spell it out for me. I'm serious when I tell you that I'm not sure this is working and how the hell I can break through this. You say it's a slow process but its been 2 months already and I'm back at the start.

Oh, and when I revert back to that child-like needy person who asks for your validation and apologizes for being so frustrating I can hardly stand it. I can't stand it later when I think about how pathetic I must have looked to you. I'm finding it difficult to believe you when you say you are not frustrated with me. I don't know what else you could do short of promising me beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will not leave me. But that's impossible

Dear New T,

Yeah, ok...so I really like that since you are out of the Ph.D world (esp since I HATE the APA) you can be like whoever you want to be with the whole LCSW thing. So I think it's great that you have disclosed relevent stuff to me as we have talked; its been so helpful and I think it will help me open up, esp, after my soon to be ex-ex T mess.
So yeah the bonding is great. But I don't want to sit here at night and think about something you said....nonononono. No. Trying to think about anything else. Like even if it's processing what you said, you make me curious enough to worry me. Eek and NO again and I am not ready or going to talk about this with you because you think you can be cool and open up and say things that are helpful and its all good. And it is. Until it's 3:22 AM and I am thinking about them. I don't want to think about anything you said yesterday right now. I mean, I should process my therapy when I want to and be able to stop it when I don't, right??? Ugh. Girl overboard...

Hi T.
I am such an absolute idiot! I am aware that you probably know this already. Please call me I am sorry. I dont deserve you or your love or your thoughts or anything, i am a horrid person. But what can i say?? All i can say is sorry...but i cant even bring myself to contact you to say it
Please make it easier on me, and call me or text me first, i am not brave enough to make the first move

Dear T,

I've never experienced so much acceptance, understanding and compassion from another human being, ever. You said I keep losing the image of you as a good-enough therapist because I don't have a template for that, because I haven't had a good-enough anything.

Thing is, you're not just a good-enough therapist. You're so much more than that, and I'm really glad I have you. I'm feeling a lot of therapy love right now.

T. I can't even.

I had my yearly Mammogram, Ultrasound etc and the lump that they found last year has grown. It's a Papillary Lesion. They want to take it out next week.

The lesion is benign, but it has to be removed.

The thing is, I've read that it has to be removed because it can either actually be cancerous itself which isn't obvious until excised or it can reveal cancerous cells sitting near it which aren't obvious until it's excised.

I can't talk to my GP till she's back at work on Monday, so I have to sit with it till then - actually, I have to sit with it till I have the surgery.

These things often bring me back to thoughts of you - I know that's my doing and I know I choose to stay with these thoughts - why wouldn't I? You were such a significant person in my life for what I consider to be a long time. I choose not to let go of you and if that brings me more pain then I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it because I refuse with every part of my being to forget about you . . .

Hi t, well this morning I was thinking about the triggery stuff we talked about on Wednesday, and I needed to feel that connection with you to know I wasn't alone with it, and pulled up your online t profile and you made my day t! you changed your picture back to that one that I just love with you looking over your glasses. I don't know when you changed it but thank you. I just love that pic of you, as much now as the first time you put it up there. I don't know what it is but something about it just captures your essence you know? Anyway.