[doyoutrustme]

You guys have so many threads about bad therapists, or good therapy gone bad, or just good therapy that didn't work out. It makes me afraid to trust my T.

I also am just not a trusting person at all these days and when people talk very very fondly of their Ts I kind of cringe.

I don't know how to get past this. I don't feel like I should have to but apparently, to my PDOC/T, trust is like, a really big deal.

I really like him, I just keep him at an arms length.. just in case. Dont want to be hurt.

edited to add: my PDOC and T are the same person. I do therapy with my psychiatrist.

[Nightlight]

Mine has "gone bad" and it was very hard, but I'm still trying to turn things around. If my therapist sticks through this with me then it might be a healing experience, knowing we can survive something so difficult. I don't think it should have happened, but it's life, really. Sometimes we get hurt (if we let people in). If they let us in, then sometimes they get hurt too.

Trust is really hard and for most people I think it's something that is slowly built up. In therapy it can be a long slow process as we reveal such big vulnerabilities. If we let people in they can hurt us, big time. I also think that if we don't let anyone in then we are alone and we miss so many positive sharing experiences as well.

Therapy is such a unique and amazing relationship. A therapist can help to give an individual the tools to feel strong enough in the future, that even if someone breaks their trust, they know they can cope with it and not let the hurt completely overwhelm them.

If this is something you do in your life, keep people at arms lengths because you fear being hurt, and having the hurt be more than you can cope with, then I think it's a good thing to keep working through in therapy.

Sometimes it's easier to hear the few bad stories because they come across so loudly while someone is hurting so much. There are so many good stories too. Because my story began with four good years before going bad, I am surviving it, and hopefully I can change it back into a good story again.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

You guys have so many threads about bad therapists, or good therapy gone bad, or just good therapy that didn't work out. It makes me afraid to trust my T.

I also am just not a trusting person at all these days and when people talk very very fondly of their Ts I kind of cringe.

I don't know how to get past this. I don't feel like I should have to but apparently, to my PDOC/T, trust is like, a really big deal.

I really like him, I just keep him at an arms length.. just in case. Dont want to be hurt.

If your t and your pdoc actually say they want you to trust them, you are a step ahead of me in my bad t relationship. My t said I should trust him ONCE. It turned out he didn't care, but I had a lot of clues other people probably would have picked up on that he didn't really want me to be there. If your t and pdoc are making a big deal that they want you to trust them, then you've got a lot more reason to trust them than I did. So I hope you can at least knock some of those posts (the ones by me) about bad t relationships off your list of concerns.

[doyoutrustme]

I feel like I trust him as much as I can. But last week I told him I realized I'm holding back because I had been journal-ing in the form of letter to him. I was unable to be honest until I decided that the letter was only for myself.

[CantExplain]

My T is not giving me what I want, but if anything that's an example of her integrity.

I still have absolute trust in her confidentiality.

[TheRealFDeal]

I am in search of a new T right now, and because of the bad way my last T relationship ended, I don't know how I'm ever going to trust another again. My pdoc, who I do trust, said the T has to EARN my trust. I really don't know how that's possible, but to be T-less is an untenable situation, so I have to try.

[content30]

My first two Ts were just ok...they didn't damage me in any way emotionally but did not help either. My T now, my third T, is excellent. She has helped me immensely. I trust her and her confidentiality implicitly. She is very professional, and at the same time, we have a great connection. I have been seeing her for over a year.

I would say that a lot of times, people tend to complain and look for support a lot when things go bad and want to sing praises, only sometimes, when things go well. So, most people going online and writing about it are probably really upset with Ts or really love their Ts. My guess is that the majority of Ts are just satisfactory and the majority of people have satisfactory relationships with their Ts. Of course this is just my opinion on the matter. I will say that with my first two just okay Ts, I never went online and wrote about therapy then or those Ts.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think you have to trust your instincts and also talk to your T. All of my Ts have been good but the T I have been seeing now for I've 15 years now is amazing. I would trust her with my life. She is not perfect but neither am I. I want my T to be honest, authentic, trustworthy, caring, and safe.

[EllieBear]

Oh I hate computers! I just wrote a long response and lost it, so let me see if I can try again...I have struggled for many years with this same fear, that if I let people in they will hurt me. I've been seeing the same awesome T for 5 years, and much of my therapy is spent on relationships and connection and trust. When I started seeing her, I wouldn't let anyone close to me. I had 30 years of proof that I'd get hurt. But here's what I've learned...trust is built a little at a time. I risk a little and share a tiny bit of something with her, and she responds with compassion, validation, and understanding. That allows me to open up a little more the next time. It is really easy for me to focus on other people's horror stories, or experiences from my past, and freak myself out to the point that I run away from her. In fact, I'd say that's where my brain normally goes. It takes a lot of work and conscious effort for me to change those thoughts and focus on my experience with her. When I first told her about my fear that she'd hurt me if I opened up to her, her response unnerved me. She said she would hurt me. It's a given in relationships...I will get hurt. I wanted to high tail it out of there! But, after years of fighting with this fear, I realized by keeping people out, I am hurting myself far more than anyone else can. I am lonely. I am sad and depressed. I think by keeping everyone out, I am safe and in control and I won't get hurt. But, when I keep everyone at arms length, I can't tell a healthy person from an unhealthy person. I have to keep my emotions numb because it's painful to be all alone, so I miss those cues that my feelings give me about who I can trust and who I can't. When I keep everyone out, I am not living...I am in survival mode. But, when I let people in to see "me", I feel connected. I feel heard. I feel less alone. I feel hope. I feel lighter. And, I feel that old fear come up. But here's what I remind myself: I will get hurt. My therapist will hurt me. My friends will hurt me, because when you open youself up to joy and happiness and love, you also open yourself up to pain. Has my T hurt me? Absolutely. But it's different than people who have hurt me in the past. We talk about it, work through it, and it deepens the connection. By letting people in, I have gotten hurt. But I have also gotten love and understanding and hope...and the pain is far less than the pain of being so isolated and alone. Hope that helps...it just my experience...but I wouldn't go back for the world.

[QuietCat]

You also have to take everything with a grain of salt. What people post here is their side of the T relationship and who knows what the T's side is. They may be legitimately attempting to do all they can for their patients but a lot of times the patient has a system of acting/thinking that makes them struggle against the T and makes trust harder.

It took me two years to build up trust for my T and I still have this reservation of "what's going to happen to make him dump me?"

I have been seeing my current Psyhc Doc for about four years, I alway's need reassurance that what I tell him is confidential. I am now just starting to feel as if he is a trustworthy T. It builds up over time. He does become impatient with me and it show's sometimes. I came an hour and a half early for my appointment and even though he saw me sooner(wasn't my intent, I was anxious that day) he let me know that it irritated him. So they do have feelings I realize, I can't always control the way my anxiousness etc affects my actions. anyway. warm thoughts

You also have to remember that most people do not look for forums on psychotherapy to "brag" about how well their therapy is going. They look for forums typically because they are struggling, hitting a rough patch, something has gone wonky. So there is a bias sample here represented on the psychotherapy board.

Also when there are threads on "how bad my therapist is" there is a bit of group-think/mob mentality I believe, and so people pour on how bad it is. Things can turn a bit toxic a bit quickly, even when some try to get a positive post of the ground because people then go into "I wish my therapist did (good behavior/positive thing someone else noted) and they don't so (insert complaint, self doubt, doubt on therapist).

Please do not let other's toxicity seep into your therapy. I see it happen too often here, that people get others riled up and doubtful. Things are hard enough as it is without gasoline being poured on.

Talk with T. You and T are the only ones who really know your relationship.

[elliemay]

Well, I've had really good experiences with both of my therapists. One I was with long term. We had ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade the healing and love I felt with him for anything.

The one I have now is very different, but equally as trustworthy and kind.

All therapists make mistakes, and I think of part of therapy is coping with those mistakes. A lot of that coping gets played out here.

So, I suspect, overall, it looks worse than it really is.

I think it's best to listen to your heart, and not what others say.

If you're making it with your therapist. Keep on, keeping on.

[tinyrabbit]

I think there are good and bad therapists, and being a 'good' therapist doesn't automatically mean they'll be right for you.

Also, transference and cognitive distortion play their part. I knew about transference, but I still didn't see it for what it was when it happened. I remember being convinced that my therapist was horrible, I hated him and never wanted to see him again, and then feeling utter shock when I realised I was expressing feelings about someone else. If I'd posted about him that week, I wouldn't have said good things.

Also, I really thought I wanted someone who would ask me questions, determine how the session went, and give me structured things to do. Turns out that's not what I want at all. In fact, I once pushed him into giving me a structured task to do, and then went ballistic at him because I didn't want to do it!

Right now, I have nothing but good things to say about him, because I'm going through some kind of parental clinging phase with him and I want his approval. But ultimately what matters to me is not whether he makes mistakes, but whether he cares about having made them. As I was raised by people who expected me to respect them regardless of how they treated me.

You are not in anyone else's therapy sessions, and they are not in yours. Also, you are part of the process. If you wish your T did something you've read about it, why not talk to them about whatever it is, for example.

[sittingatwatersedge]

DYTM,

I haven't read all the replies, so pardon me if this has already been said - but this particular forum at PC is a support group - what else can be expected but that people write in precisely when they need reinforcements, light, encouragement - this is not to be taken as a barometer of therapy success or failure in any way.

People also do write in with accounts of progress and victory. There are some of those threads going on right now.

So if reading the threads (which by the way contain a LOT of positive feedback from people who have been through similar experiences) disturbs you, then maybe you shouldn't read them.

I wish you the best in your journey.

[Dreamy01]

I understand the fear about trusting t and how reading these posts may not help. I guess that's the problem with the internet - as supportive as it can be, there's also a flip side to knowing too much about other people's processes. Persuamably you don't want to stop reading the posts, so it's really a case of bearing in mind that every t relationship, and of course every t, is completely different. It's like reading a story about a horrible teacher and being worried about starting college in case you get a teacher like that. Other people's bad experiences doesn't mean yours will be bad.

I find it helpful to remember that while occasionally t relationships are simply unhelpful and unhealthy, most of the time therapists are trying their best and even terrible mistakes and ruptures can provide the best healing environment possible. This goes contrary to intuition because the temptation is to leave when hurt by a t or when trust is damaged in some way. But quite often the best work comes when the client is willing to stay and work it through with the t and the t is willing to own his/her stuff and commit to the client/relationship. This is because real life is not perfect. Relationships do go wrong. Other people's issues come into play, even for therapists. The therapy relationship is by nature highly charged and painful so this is expected to happen. So even when things are going horribly wrong there is great healing to be found.

Therefore, it's worth bearing this in mind when you read posts about people's bad experiences with their therapists and how hurt they have been. Sometimes, as I know people have posted, these terrible times can be very positive.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by stormyangels

Also when there are threads on "how bad my therapist is" there is a bit of group-think/mob mentality I believe, and so people pour on how bad it is. Things can turn a bit toxic a bit quickly

I agree with this. There's a phenomenon that has a funny acronym on a knitting board that I sometimes read, called DTMFA, which refers to the typical response when someone posts about a relationship problem with a spouse or partner. It's a typical parallel to what happens here when people write "my T said this" or "my T did this" except that people are writing about what their partner did or said. Then there is one post after another that advises to "dump the mother __ already", where people talk about how they would just walk away and find another partner, that the person deserves to have someone more supportive, that they would never put up with someone who said or did that. That it is unacceptable for the partner to say or do whatever it is that they have said or done, and most of it is not what everyone would agree is purely objectionable behavior-- it's not abuse, or infidelity-- although I think most everyone agrees that whatever is being complained about is not desirable behavior. People dissect the words or parcel up the actions into tiny bits, make all kinds of assumptions and state unsupported beliefs about what is going on with the person who is the subject of the original poster's distress.

For me, relationships are hard-- I'd even go so far as to say that they are dangerous. There are many days when I feel like I would like to just take my dog and walk away from my family and everyone else, and just take up residence on a deserted island. But my marriage and child and friends and coworkers and client relationships are also my greatest source of joy, and I believe in commitment, so I work on trying to make those relationships the most drama free and happiest and stable things for myself and all the people in my life.

So my focus in T is on myself, my own understandings about how and why I respond to people the way that I do, including T. I have largely given up trying to make people conform to relating to me in the way that I think is best, and I've also given up trying to please other people for the sake of pleasing them. I look at myself and my own reactions and how I can change them rather because I'm the only thing that I can control, and it has just become very unsatisfying to try to get other people to do what I want. Life is much smoother, and my relationships are free of drama and have a greater sense of closeness and affection.

Sometimes the drama around T relationships that's reported here may be just that, as it sure sounds like the drama that is reported around romantic relationships on this other board. It's hard stuff, and people do need to work in out in whatever way is best for them. But the fact that people on the internet have a lot of negativity directed towards their spouses and partners doesn't say anything about the stability of my marriage. My husband is no more likely to cheat or start obsessively playing video games or refuse to help around the house or do any number of dysfunctional things because it happens to other people. Just because people talk about the bad things that happen in their relationships, it doesn't mean that something like that is going to happen in mine. There is no cause and effect. I might be more aware that I am not immune to dysfunctionality in marriage because of the problems that seem commonly reported, but I have always been so. I don't need another reason to distrust anyone, as I already have a keen awareness of this.

So for me, I pay less and less attention to the negative threads because they just don't speak to my experience, and I take them in the same way as the DTMFA threads I see on the other board. At the end of the day, I will always value working things out with people, including my T, rather than complaining on an online board and looking for people to tell me to walk away. I realize that this is a good message for some people to hear, and some people need to learn to walk away. But I used to be a flippin' genius at walking away, and now I'm doing it differently.

[ThisWayOut]

while I may say I do not trust my T, it is 1)because I just met him last month, 2)he's a male (I have HUGE trust issues with being honest and comfortable with men, so it's not his fault...). It's something I work hard to work through. Trust can be very difficult, but it can happen... I've had more positive experiences with T's than negative ones... Think about what you want/need out of T before you give up...

[stopdog]

I think some wariness in clients is a healthy thing. That does not mean never trust the therapist, just to do so with awareness that their human foibles will come into play in the interactions with them too. Sometimes their foibles are too much for any given client, sometimes they are not. I am not saying it should be a deal breaker, just that keeping it in mind is not a bad thing.

[tinyrabbit]

Actually, my T making mistakes and regaining my trust has been hugely important. I'm not used to attaching to people who think my trust is valuable or care how I feel, so learning to deal with such situations in a healthy way is very important.