[Raging Quiet]

Last week, after about 7 years, I finally told T about SA.

Now, for the first time ever, I really don't want to go back. I don't want to talk about it, but I know she will want me to as she didn't honour my request last week after I had told her and requested that i didn't feel strong enough to talk about it.

Speaking about it will do no good for me at this time. The only reason I told her in the first place was because she sort of bargained with me that if I didn't tell her, it would show I didn't trust her after all this time.

I feel ready to terminate therapy now. I've tried to in the past but she gets angry and offended (not obviously, but her body language changes)

I think I need therapy to get over therapy!

Have any of you told a disclosure and not wanted to return?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Rect0pathic

Last week, after about 7 years, I finally told T about SA.

Now, for the first time ever, I really don't want to go back. I don't want to talk about it, but I know she will want me to as she didn't honour my request last week after I had told her and requested that i didn't feel strong enough to talk about it.

Speaking about it will do no good for me at this time. The only reason I told her in the first place was because she sort of bargained with me that if I didn't tell her, it would show I didn't trust her after all this time.

I feel ready to terminate therapy now. I've tried to in the past but she gets angry and offended (not obviously, but her body language changes)

I think I need therapy to get over therapy!

Have any of you told a disclosure and not wanted to return?

I want to not return all the time. I don't think the therapist can actually make a client talk about something if the client does not want to do so. It is a client's choice.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by Rect0pathic

Last week, after about 7 years, I finally told T about SA.

Now, for the first time ever, I really don't want to go back. I don't want to talk about it, but I know she will want me to as she didn't honour my request last week after I had told her and requested that i didn't feel strong enough to talk about it.

Speaking about it will do no good for me at this time. The only reason I told her in the first place was because she sort of bargained with me that if I didn't tell her, it would show I didn't trust her after all this time.

I feel ready to terminate therapy now. I've tried to in the past but she gets angry and offended (not obviously, but her body language changes)

I think I need therapy to get over therapy!

Have any of you told a disclosure and not wanted to return?

I felt strange after talking about it, but I still wanted to go back. If I was pressured into talking about it I think I would end up running. My T would not force me to talk about it, and kind of made sure I really wanted to tell him about it when I brought it up the first time. This is just me, but I would not deal well with someone telling me I had to do something in order to prove that I trusted them.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It is something difficult to talk about, but just remember to move at your own pace, not anyone else's. If you go next week you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

[Willowleaf]

That was really brave regardless of why you felt you had to tell her. But you do not have to talk about it. It's up to you how fast you go. No one can make you. It seems to be fairly normal in therapy that disclosures are made but then not discussed for a while until the client is ready. I hope you can work this out so you can get the help you need at the speed you need

I wrote a long response, but the computer ate it. In short, I think it's normal to not to want to return after a big disclosure. I know I have felt that way any number of times, and it has been therapeutically profitable to go back and work through it. However, and this is a HUGE however for me, my T has never forced me to discuss the disclosures, and leaves me a choice always. If he ever became angry if I expressed a hesitation about returning, I would become enraged.

So, on the one hand, going back may be productive so you can experience this SA as less shameful and secret. On the other hand, being forced to talk, or manipulated into continuing therapy is absolutely unacceptable. Maybe it's time for a different therapist just to go through the SA stuff but not feel forced.

[tinyrabbit]

I would have issues with a therapist who took my ability to trust or disclose so personally and who was so impatient.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Rect0pathic

Last week, after about 7 years, I finally told T about SA.

Now, for the first time ever, I really don't want to go back. I don't want to talk about it, but I know she will want me to as she didn't honour my request last week after I had told her and requested that i didn't feel strong enough to talk about it.

Speaking about it will do no good for me at this time. The only reason I told her in the first place was because she sort of bargained with me that if I didn't tell her, it would show I didn't trust her after all this time.

I feel ready to terminate therapy now. I've tried to in the past but she gets angry and offended (not obviously, but her body language changes)

I think I need therapy to get over therapy!

Have any of you told a disclosure and not wanted to return?

If you don't want to go back because you disclosed, I'd explore that issue with the T (which doens't require talking about IT).
If you don't want to go back because of her response, I'd explore that issue.
If you don't want to go back because you don't trust the T to respect your boundaries, and your pace, and your comfort, I'd discuss those issues.
Depending on the response, I might continue to work on working it out, or consider leaving.

[wotchermuggle]

I've wanted to back track on some disclosures, but my T is really good about letting me decide what I want to talk about and what I don't. You should be making those decisions and no one else.

[feralkittymom]

Feeling over exposed and wanting to end the relationship to avoid that feeling sounds shame-based to me, and it's pretty common.

But the "prove your trust" approach bothers me. She may be "right" in the sense that withholding this may have impeded your progress; but that kind of pressure to meet her need to feel trusted is not appropriate.

My T asked me an open, but direct question in response to a comment I made. I became overwhelmed with anxiety, telling him I couldn't tell him. His response was to ask if I could just agree instead to say I couldn't tell him yet. To leave the door open. And then was as gentle and patient as possible in supporting me to tell. He never pressured me to tell anything, and certainly never tried to make my telling a condition of anything--continuing therapy, trusting him, proving I was working, pleasing him, etc.

You've invested a long time in this relationship. Have you experienced trust in her with other issues? Do you have other misgivings? I think it's very difficult, but you'll need to put this interaction in the context of your history with her to know if your urge to terminate is coming from shame or a limitation in the relationship.

[Perna]

If you are in therapy because of these issues, then 7 years is a long time to be fence sitting and not discussing them. If you are in therapy for other issues, it should be obvious that your disclosure is not the issue and you and T will continue to concentrate on the "real" issues.

I didn't disclose a sexual abuse situation to my T for over 15 years and then had to choose to disclose it because she was confused (my fault) and I either had to set her straight or live with my choice to not be honest (set her straight), which I felt would pretty much wreck my therapy. When I disclosed there was a horrible silence for a few moments before she replied something like, "But I don't think this is important to what we are working on, doesn't need further discussion does it?"

I don't know why you entered therapy and what you were expecting but running from yourself in this way doesn't seem likely to get you closer to what you want for yourself in this life?

[ECHOES]

Yes, last week, after 6 years of therapy. I was also anxious about returning, but I kept telling myself that I told my T (in writing) about this because I trust her. So, I also let myself trust her about the following session, and how that would go. It went well. We talked about but I didn't let it get too deep because I didn't want to. I also didn't want to spend the whole hour talking about it, so I didn't. There is plenty of time.

It's important, and that is why we disclose. On some level we know we want to and need to. We don't have to run from it; we aren't in danger any more.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Feeling over exposed and wanting to end the relationship to avoid that feeling sounds shame-based to me, and it's pretty common.

But the "prove your trust" approach bothers me. She may be "right" in the sense that withholding this may have impeded your progress; but that kind of pressure to meet her need to feel trusted is not appropriate.

My T asked me an open, but direct question in response to a comment I made. I became overwhelmed with anxiety, telling him I couldn't tell him. His response was to ask if I could just agree instead to say I couldn't tell him yet. To leave the door open. And then was as gentle and patient as possible in supporting me to tell. He never pressured me to tell anything, and certainly never tried to make my telling a condition of anything--continuing therapy, trusting him, proving I was working, pleasing him, etc.

You've invested a long time in this relationship. Have you experienced trust in her with other issues? Do you have other misgivings? I think it's very difficult, but you'll need to put this interaction in the context of your history with her to know if your urge to terminate is coming from shame or a limitation in the relationship.

I agree with almost everything, and think it was said beautifully. The only place I stumble is using the past to determine where the urge is coming from. Perhaps I have misunderstood what you said because of my own history and triggers - and I think the past is something useful to consider. I stumble because I did trust my therapist, A LOT, and because of past experience I stayed. Until I found out that something had changed and she left me when I wouldn't follow her advice/suggestions/concerns. It was VERY painful. I wish I paid attention to the red flags earlier. I think paying attention to the past is good, and also looking at whether what is happening now is consistent with what led you to trust the therapist in the first place, or if things have changed.

[precious things]

My experience has been that these things will keep resurfacing regardless of how well we try and put them on the back burner. Only you know how much this issue has impacted your current situation, but chances are you were ready to share on some level.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Rect0pathic

Have any of you told a disclosure and not wanted to return?

Yes. As I look back, though, I realize that these disclosures are the one thing that has really healed me, and moved me forward in big steps. I'd encourage you not to miss out on how much this can change things for you, and help you leave the past in the past.

[Syra]

I did once. The disclosure was forced, but not by the s/w. I did go back because the school didn't allow you to choose your s/w. I survived, but it poisoned the relationship - even though I liked the s/w.
Sometimes it's a nudge that is helpful. Sometimes it's too much. I err on the side of not pushing too hard, than not pushing enough - unless there is some critical time issue. I think it will eventually happen without the push. Things I never thought I'd talk about I have eventually gotten comfortable with in my own time - and I did other work in the meantime.

[EllieBear]

I disclose things a little piece at a time, and yes, after every piece I think I can't possibly go back and face my therapist again. It helps me to remember that she deals with this stuff all the time, so even though I feel exposed and dirty, she doesn't see me that way. She usually already had an idea that what I told her had happened, though she is absolutely professional and would NEVER voice that. I haven't shocked her, I haven't grossed her out, and the thing I learned going back every time after disclosing to her was that it didn't change what she thought about me in the way I expected. She did not think less of me, she didn't see that I was "bad"...those are MY filters not hers. She's told me many times that she feels honored when I share this stuff with her, and that it makes her feel more compassion for me. Sharing the things I find horrid about myself and my past has been one of the most healing things I have done...it just doesn't feel like that in the moment.

[feralkittymom]

I think paying attention to the past is good, and also looking at whether what is happening now is consistent with what led you to trust the therapist in the first place, or if things have changed.

Yes--it's always a balance, isn't it? The client's past history and current reaction, with the therapist's past actions and current reactions.

and the thing I learned going back every time after disclosing to her was that it didn't change what she thought about me in the way I expected.

Provided that the relationship is functional, this is the heart of healing, isn't it? Not simply the challenging of assumptions, valuable as that is, but the honest demonstration of acceptance and respect. The challenge then becomes taking it in and being willing to believe that it is true.

[EllieBear]

Taking it in and believing it is absolutely my challenge. I agree that when I can do that, and translate that acceptance to myself and other relationships outside of T, I will have made huge steps in healing. Well said!

[Syra]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

[/COLOR][/B]Yes--it's always a balance, isn't it? The client's past history and current reaction, with the therapist's past actions and current reactions.

and the thing I learned going back every time after disclosing to her was that it didn't change what she thought about me in the way I expected.

Provided that the relationship is functional, this is the heart of healing, isn't it? Not simply the challenging of assumptions, valuable as that is, but the honest demonstration of acceptance and respect. The challenge then becomes taking it in and being willing to believe that it is true.

It sounds like it worked out really well for you. I'm glad it did.

I was shocked when I experienced how a relationship (with my T) that I thought was more solid than anything I had, because I assumed therapists were always trustworthy and you could bring anything back, and because I had said an awful lot that I haven't told anyone and received such acceptance wouldn't and couldn't go bad, and so fast.

I suspect you read these things and acknowledge things can go bad, and also remember how good it worked out for you when you brought stuff back and were always accepted. I feel warmth in my heart at the picture in my head. I also feel envious.

I read these things and realize that sometimes the client is right and things are going wonky and despite my trust, the therapist wasn't accepting, even though she tried hard and insisted she was (even after abandoned me). I realize they don't always go wonky. I support your idea that you should try to work it out and the therapist should be accepting. It is the way therapy should be, and often is, even when it doesn't feel like it.

I understand wanting to encourage trust. It's sooo good for the therapy when you speak the unspeakable and it isn't that bad. And many times when people think their T thinks this or that, it isn't true.

I understand (viscerally as well as cognitively) that sometimes therapists really mess up and clients should pay attention to red flags (although not give up immediately).

A you said, it's a hard balance to figure out. I agree that if the relationship is functional, this is the heart of healing. And taking in the acceptance and respect can be difficult and it shouldn't be something we run away from