The answer to life, the universe, and everything - Couch 42!

talk to me

Granite... glad to see you are feeling a little better today...

I just read a comment someone wrote and part of it...that didn't even have to do with what I asked.... made me feel stupid, silly and a little angry

Morning couchkiddos! I just hung up from t, after a couple of lighter-type sessions we're definitely back into the deep stuff again. Whew, I feel like my brain is full of fog now. Immediate therapy hangover and I want to go back to bed. But I will go get dressed and make myself presentable and go to work like a good lil girl. Shake off the fog with some good loud music and singing in the car on the way!! Have a great day everyone.

Granite....guess we missed each other like two ships passing in the night...

I have to go back to work I'll be back on later tonigt...

see ya ready

I just came back from "zumba for seniors". It's still a lot of moving! I'm tired but I really like it! I go to T in less than an hour.

I am guilty of that, I know! I'm sorry! I think we answer what appeals to us.

I am having a hard time waking up this week. I am such a cow. As in, don't milk me! I saw the movie 56 Up yesterday at 4pm. It was dark and rainy when I went in, and bright and sunshiny when I came out. It was very confusing. Great movie tho. I never saw any of the others - 7 up, 21 up, etc.

That suggests you should stop taking them.

The couch is way tooooo slow today!

z..z.....z...z....z.......z.zzzzzz

Is everyone busy playing on the old couch?

Well I'm going out for a few hours but I did it... or I sort of did it...

I texted my T to ask if she had any open appts this week. I told her to text back any open times if she has any. Hope she takes the hint that I don't want to talk on the phone.... I hate to be needy via voice... only know how to be needy via texting ...

that is awsome ready . you can do it if she calls. just accept whatever appointment she has .you don't have to say a lot.

Thanks for asking Granite! I had such a bad night last night that I just went to bed early. I don't know what's going on. No matter how hard I try it seems to be like this, and she thinks it's my perception, my unconscious anger at her, my past, stuff like that.

I asked her to write a letter, but I totally forgot until a bit late in the session (10 minutes to go). My memory is so awful, but it's really important. I need it before I start getting any income. I'd asked last week and she'd said she would do it this week. So that took until the very end of the session (a few minutes over actually as she took a few minutes to find anything with her letterhead on it). When she photocopied the form I told her (kindly) that I had to send in the original. She said quite coldly that the photocopy was for her records. I thought that was just my perception. I said yes, as soon as I'd commented I realised that's what she was probably doing, but she didn't say anything further.

Then she looked at her diary and said she couldn't see me on my usual day. She offered a later day in the week and I told her honestly that would be hard for me while I'm struggling so much. She looked back at my usual day and said actually she could fit me in at 1:30pm. So I said okay. Then I said "are you sure that suits you?" She said somewhat bluntly again, "no actually it doesn't". Then she gave me a time. I was trying to find the date in my diary to write it down (and being a bit flustered myself I was looking at the wrong month, though I was only taking a matter of seconds). So I asked her to confirm the date as she was walking out the door and she said "the 18th! See you next week" then left. I'm sure she was rushing for something, another client or somewhere to be. I actually thought I'd better quickly put my diary away without writing the day and time down, so I hope I heard the time correctly as she didn't confirm that again for me. I just quickly put the cheque on her table and walked out. She had disappeared into the kitchen area of her workplace by then.

I sent a text yesterday to say sorry for making her work with me so difficult. I asked if she was rushing or was she fed up with me. She often hasn't received my texts in the past. So today I optimistically asked if she'd received the text and asked if she'd keep working me with if I kept trying to move forwards. Still nothing.

Sorry that was so long.

it sounds like there is something really going on with her.are you sure you want to stay with her. i know for me that sometimes it is my perception i am seeing my T through. it is hard to convince me otherwise .i remember it took one whole session once to convince me she wasn't punishing me by moving the chair in the corner. sometimes i still feel she is but i try to give her the benefit of the doubt

Ugh.. Panic is getting bad tonight. Stupid, stupid panic disorder!!!

That's why I tried so hard to think that maybe it was her stuff. Maybe she was in a huge rush to get somewhere in particular. I'm sure it's partly me, being sensitive, but I wish she'd just be patient and gentle with me after all these huge ruptures we've had.

It can't be all my perception. She really did say things in the past like "oh so you try everywhere else but not here! You expect me to do all the work"! That was after I tried to tell her that I put on a brave face all week and sometimes needed to be honest with her about how bad things were for me. When there are so many things like that now all jumbled together, it seems like such a mess. It seems so unfair that she has now removed herself and is saying that it's about my past. I do think my inability to cope with it is about the past...but some things are about being hurt by her.

I've tried to sort out the financial situation today and was told that it will take more than a week after they get more forms that I have to send in. I'm waiting for the forms to be signed by a university staff member. I couldn't even get that that stage before having a letter from T. In the mean time there is nowhere that I can get a single cent from. Everything is so hard right now. I just wish T would be really really gentle until I'm a bit more okay.

T tomorrow and did no homework kind of worried

MKAC i see ya around
and you also lola

Nightlight,

Reading your posts is heartbreaking. As you know, I can relate to some of the feelings you're experiencing.

I'm also a very sensitive person, but it doesn't mean that every reaction we have to our T (or anyone else) is solely because of our sensitivities. Ts make mistakes. We make mistakes. If they/we can own them, apologise and move on, then our work together can continue.

I don't know how to help you right now - I know you're hanging in there, as I did. The only thing I really want to reassure you of (and I realise that I don't know you so I can only share my experience with you and hope that it is the same for you) is that IF you do decide that your T is continually hurting you too much (and those comments you've just written about as well as many others you've written in your other posts, were hurtful in my opinion) and you do decide to terminate, that it IS survivable. Mind you, if someone had said that to me, I would not have believed them, so I understand completely if at this time, you can't believe me. I'm not saying it won't hurt - it will and for quite a while. It's been 8 months since I terminated now and I still think of my T every day and wish things had turned out differently, but it is becoming easier to handle . . .

Bluey

It was just an insane rant. I'm very aware of the consequences if I stop taking them.

Thanks for hearing me Bluey. I just don't know how to survive it, if that's what needs to happen. I'm barely clinging on now. I don't know how to keep functioning if I need to make things even harder for myself right now. It's all so confusing. I've tried so hard and T just takes it as a criticism when I bring anything up (it seems). She did says all of those things though and they did hurt me. She's said sorry for some and then continued to do other things. She says she's really trying too. It's so horrible to try to sort this out in 50 minute time slots each week. She talked yesterday about now having seen a side to me that she doesn't like. It all feels so unfair. She got really angry and then withdrew, changed boundaries, said some very harsh things...and I was really hurt and tried to talk about it all, that's all. Once I was also angry as well, when she didn't call me after she said she would. I said sorry straight away when I next saw her.

((((Nightlight))))))
I am with Bluey in that reading your posts are heartbreaking. I know I couldn't leave my xT, but God, I needed to do so. I stayed with him because I was so attached to him, and he had no idea who I was or that I was suffering. He was unprofessional in the way he treated me at times. He let his stuff get in the way. I don't like how your T is treating you, I think that you deserve so much more. I never believed that there was something better out there, but I know for a fact now there is. I now have a therapist who respects me, who listens to me, who understands me, and who is really and truly helping me. I used to think that the only way to get better was to come around to my xT's way of thinking. That didn't happen. So, I found someone who is a better fit, and who treats me like I am a human being. I wonder if you could consider interviewing another therapist, you don't have to change, but maybe just see what else is out there, it won't hurt. I know you are in pain and I know how much it hurts. I wish I could make this better for you, you deserve so much better. ((((((((Nightlight))))))))))

She was all of those good things for three and a half years though. She was so good I thought she'd always be there if I needed her. She spoke about what would happen if she moved away, that she is someone who would continue phone sessions if I needed that. I really thought she'd always be there for me for as long as I needed her. When I started seeing her, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even pick up the phone and make a call. I met her and liked her so much instantly. I just...knew who she was and I liked her a lot. She's seen me through so much, and helped me to change so much. She was warm, open, supportive, and everything else. She was the one good thing in my world that I had that stayed really consistent and good and helpful. She was stable and I became attached to her, after never being attached to even family members (that I remember). I wished I mattered to her like she mattered to me...but it was okay. She did everything she could for me.

And now this?

I just don't understand. There were no warning signs. Everything was perfect. It really was.

Even the timeline was the same for me - three and a half great years, then bam!

Antimatter's idea is a really good one. Can you keep seeing this T and start looking for another one? You wouldn't be under any obligation to leave - it might just give you some hope. I know so well that feeling that you really believe that you'll never find someone or something who is as good as you have at a given time, but as Antimatter has experienced, it can happen. Look at Antimatter now - happy with a great new T!

(((Nightlight)))