Learning about the boundaries and transference

Hello, everyone. I thought I would post this dialogue that I had with another member of PC. This was VERY helpful to me and full of good information and I wanted to share...hopefully it will be helpful to others,too

Hello P

I have been thinking about your question and how hard it can feel when we can't do what we do in other relationships and have that sharing of facts about one another.
In therapy, if we do that, it lessens the transference to the other person and helps us to get to know who they really are, not the fantasy of who they are - and that isn't helpful. That's why therapists who work transferentially don't disclose much about themselves - to preserve the transference, which is the tool we use in relational therapy to help our clients better understand how they are in relationships and all they have carried through into the here and now from the past. So, by not telling you if she has children or likes animals, your therapist enables you to project your fantasies about that onto her so they can be worked with. For example, you may have your own need for her to like animals because someone in your past hurt animals and you. Your fantasy might be that she hates animals too - and that would allow you to get intouch with how painful it was for you as a child - when you speak with T about your worries about that. This could really lead to an expression of your pain and a working through of the traumatic event. If your therapist was to immediately tell you all about her love, or not, of animals, that would contaminate your transference and limit your chance to express your feelings. Same with wanting to know she has children - it would be far more productive for you to be able to speak about your fantasies about T having children. You can use her to project your feelings onto rather than making it about her. It may even feel she is being unkind or withholding when she doesn't share herself with you in that way - and that is all part of the work - we will all react differently according to our past - and that transference is the window to your unconscious and the (often unconscious) issues that brought you to therapy.

So, she isn't telling you about herself to preserve the therapy and so she doesn't get in your way. It feels strange, provoking even sometimes (although it isn't done to hurt) - and how we feel about that set up (the frame) is the basis for a relational therapy and healing.

Although it feels strange not to know all about her life and family - remember you do actually know alot about her already. I always say to my clients that they know where I live, what car I drive, what clothes I wear, my taste in furniture, etc. So they do actually know alot about me! The therapeutic relationship can be the most intimate relationship we will ever have (as you mention) - without knowing all about the life of the therapist.

Your transference is that she isn't telling you for a reason - and that maybe you have made her feel uncomfortable. That is the work!! - to speak of your fantasies about why she would do that (and they will help you both to better understand what happened to you as a child) - if she was to have given you the answers you wanted it would have ruined that for you. The work is to discuss how you feel in relationship with her - and, yes, it is very important to tell her what you told me and all your fears around doing that - you are doing good work and she is holding a boundary to enable you to project those feelings onto her - that is your job!!

It's ok to keep on asking your T - for many of us who have been hurt there needs to be a testing to see where the boundaries are - that's how we feel safe - we never had that safety as little ones and that was scary. So keep on testing, keep on asking and keep on saying how it feels to have those boundaries.

Remember too - what we want isn't always what we need!

Me:
What can I say?? THANK YOU isn't enough!!! You just shed some light on very difficult and complex topics... transference and boundaries. I really didn't know that was why my T was not sharing with me. Now I get it...it is so my transference is not ruined...so I can project onto her...I think I am getting it!! Although I am beginning to see how it works...I have to tell you, this is going to be hard for me! But I know I just have to do this work...be in touch with my feelings and let her know just what it is I am feeling...one of my biggest obstacles that prevents me from just saying what I need to is that I fear that I may lose her. She knows that I have abandonment issues and hopefully I won't feel so threatened as our work progresses.
After I read your message I was like "WOW"!!! Then I thought why couldn't my T explain it to me as eloquently as you did? Do you think there is a reason for that,too? You explained it so clearly, so beautifully!! Your clients are truly blessed I am very, very grateful for your taking the time to give me such a detailed and wonderful explanation of boundaries and how transference works in the therapeutic setting. You have no idea how I was feeling prior to reading your message ( well, maybe you did : ). I was at the beach trying to relax and just be...but my mind was taking me somewhere else...then I saw your message..I said (aloud) as I read it..."Wow!!"
Thank you so very much, ...you are indeed a special person and I truly appreciate you!! Have a wonderful night!
P.

Thanks for taking the time to post this. It is very enlightening! I'm doing some very intense relational stuff with T and this helps me to understand it better. And thanks to the T who explained it all so well.

This was so helpful to me! Thank you! I am trying to understand what the "work" is that my T refers to and it just seems so abstract and hard to wrap my brain around sometimes....

Hello,Freewilled
I totally know what you mean....it really IS abstract and sometimes I just look at my T with a blank stare...she probably wonders what is up with me...lol But seriously, I know how you feel...and my T doesn't always explain it as well as I need it to be...but I guess I need to be more proactive and let her know.....I am glad that you found this to be helpful, I wanted to share so that others could hopefully get something from it,too. Have a great evening

Hello, Tooski
I'm glad that you found this to be helpful....I plan on using a lot of the information to help me dig in a little deeper in my own therapy...I have some abandonment issues which is making it difficult to say what I need to say when in session. Best wishes to you

Thanks so much for posting this! It's so helpful to read and makes a lot of sense - is helping me to think through my own relationship with my T

I'd like to say thank you very much too, for writing about transference and boundaries. The process is interesting. My interaction w/T is very close but I don't feel a need to project who he is. I felt comfortable in our relationship to tell him about how I felt without projecting. I could have told him more but I needed a reciprocal relationship. I don't know how you can get close to someone when its all one sided. It doesn't sit well with me. Maybe I'm not cut out for therapy?

Greetings
I wouldn't say that you are not cut out for therapy....it could be that you are perfectly fine with your therapy and that is okay. Therapy is.....strange!! It really is to me.....probably because it is like no other relationship! I,too feel like I need my therapeutic relationship to be far more reciprocal but I am leaning why it isn't.....can be frustrating but for me, I know it is right

Thanks for the information! I have a question. I'm actually not focusing on my T, but am more focused on my past, and have actually felt some anger from the past that I didn't feel before but have made a connection. However, my T leaves for a month soon and I haven't felt the emotions totally. Instead, I have been focused on the past. Is this still transference? Is it a form of avoidance? I'm thinking that maybe I find the past abandonment pain to be safer than the unknown pain that may be caused by T leaving. I was just wondering if you or anyone could explain this. Thanks so much!

I agree with most of what the T wrote to you and you posted here, and yes, she writes very clearly and it makes a lot of sense. But not all Ts work transferentially, so there might be other reasons for their boundaries. My T is pretty open, and her website used to list her kids and what sex they were, and her hobbies. She answers most of my questions but she also makes it clear that therapy is about me, and she doesn't want to spend much time talking about herself.

Regardless of knowing some things about her, I still have experienced transference because I always wanted her to be someone she can't be to me. I also just had the incident of getting triggered by her talking on her phone after my session. So, transference can happen even when a T does disclose things about themselves. I would have a hard time seeing a T who was a "blank slate" and didn't tell me anything about herself, but I wouldn't like one who told me too much, either. I think there can be a middle ground, and therapy can still be productive.

That's such a helpful response you got, thanks for sharing it 1stepatatime

rainbow8 said: 'Regardless of knowing some things about her, I still have experienced transference because I always wanted her to be someone she can't be to me.'

That's been exactly my experience. I've always thought that if my T hadn't told me lots about her, her life etc then I wouldn't have developed those painful longings for her to be a best friend or whatever it was I wanted her to be.
Perhaps though, when the therapist doesn't reveal much then the transference is easier to work through or with? When they reveal too much everything can end up in a very painful muddle - as it did for me. (Have got past it now though!)

Hello, Antimatter
I am far from an expert but it sounds like you have been focusing on your past experiences...perhaps because it is something that you need to explore? As far as your T leaving for a month...it could be that you are just not wanting to deal with that yet. You may want to ponder this a little more...really think about how your T going away makes you feel... I will tell you that my T has been gone for almost 2 weeks...I will see her a week from this coming Tuesday...it makes me feel anxious, like I don't want anything to happen where I wouldn't be able to go. I will say this...while your T is away...do things that make you feel good, keep busy..that is what I have been doing and it really helps!

I love t's that hold firm boundaries.