[MASIMO]

It has come to me that my T really doesn't know how to handle
transference, love, or whatever I'm feeling. He is a seasoned
psychologist 35 years, but he told me he had never had someone
proclaim they were in love with him.

When I first disclosed my feeling to him a couple of years ago,
he got quite flustered, almost panicky about it. I was being very
needy, pushing him to tell me how he felt about me. Since then,
we dont talk about it. I'm glad I love him, and I dont feel it gets
in the way of therapy. But, when he goes on his month long trips my
fear of feeling alone comes out and I start panicing and feel so vulnerable,
unsafe. This is what I'm feeling right now. I just told him again I loved him
and like a child that I didn't want him to go, and I was mad at him for leaving
He is used to this from me.

My question is this, when I told him I loved him he said love is a good thing.
But he doesn't know what to do with my love. Huh?? I dont know what to
do with my love for him sometimes, sometimes its beautiful, comforting others
painful but I deal with it.

I want to write back to him what I think he should do with "my love"
It seems like he should know....from a therapeutic standpoint something
to say to me other than that! I feel he should accept it as something
special, something that ultimately helps me, but that would be about me.

It's about his ability to accept my feelings as I know they do affect him
personally. What should he "do" with my love?

Direct them back to unrequited childhood love.

[Anne2.0]

I think it may be about what you do with the fact that he doesn't know what to do with it. You're not in therapy so he can accept your love in some kind of appropriate way. You're in therapy to deal with whatever happens to you, and this is one thing that is happening to you, and maybe it's similar to other things that have happened to you.

[anilam]

Hm, that must be so difficult.
I always thought that the feelings of love (transference) should go away eventually.
What kind of love is it?

[elliemay]

Well, you both should let it be, as is, and honor it. He's right, love is a good thing. It's meant to be enjoyed.

I'm surprised that he got flustered, the feelings are rather normal in some therapies.

I strongly believe that if you are able to develop these feelings for your therapist, then you can develop them for others as well.

It's a good thing.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

But, when he goes on his month long trips my
fear of feeling alone comes out and I start panicing and feel so vulnerable,
unsafe. This is what I'm feeling right now. I just told him again I loved him
and like a child that I didn't want him to go, and I was mad at him for leaving
He is used to this from me.

It's about his ability to accept my feelings as I know they do affect him
personally. What should he "do" with my love?

A t uses his feelings to figure out what's going with the client.

I would be more concerned that you throw the same tantrum every time he goes on vacation, so that you say he's used to it. Over the years, my reaction to my ts trips has been changing.

There is an obvious kind of love we try to give our t which they must and will reject because it is like a bribe, but eventually there will be a much more subtle childlike gentle trusting love you will offer your t. It will be a truer love and really a more adult and equal love. But this demanding isn't it.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by hankster

A t uses his feelings to figure out what's going with the client.

I would be more concerned that you throw the same tantrum every time he goes on vacation, so that you say he's used to it. Over the years, my reaction to my ts trips has been changing.

There is an obvious kind of love we try to give our t which they must and will reject because it is like a bribe, but eventually there will be a much more subtle childlike gentle trusting love you will offer your t

IDK, I don't mind my T taking a holiday but a month? That would be too long for me and if he took them regularly I'd just find a new T.
I went abroad for nearly 2 months while in therapy and it did hinder it and took some to for us to get back on track.

[likelife]

What do you want him to do with your love? In my own experience, I know I wanted my T to accept my love (though I didn't think of myself as "in love" with her). There were times when I wanted her to reciprocate the feeling, but not necessarily in the same way I was expressing it - mostly just an acceptance of me, I guess.

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by hankster

A t uses his feelings to figure out what's going with the client.

I would be more concerned that you throw the same tantrum every time he goes on vacation, so that you say he's used to it. Over the years, my reaction to my ts trips has been changing.

There is an obvious kind of love we try to give our t which they must and will reject because it is like a bribe, but eventually there will be a much more subtle childlike gentle trusting love you will offer your t. It will be a truer love and really a more adult and equal love. But this demanding isn't it.

Well, I cant say I have a tantrum when he goes away, which has been many, many times to all parts of the world. This particular time, yes I am being childlike. I'm going through a very difficult time with anger issues and his being gone will be especially hard. And, yes I'm taking some of it out on him. But I dont think he minds, he has been wanting me to get angry for a long time.

I do believe my love for him has evolved and matured into a more adult love over the years. It is gentler, it doesn't have the intensity it had when it first started, or like what I'm experiencing at the moment.

I want him to put my love somewhere special, and I can only hope he finds out where it belongs.

[ultramar]

I can only hope he finds out where it belongs

Where do you think it belongs?

Do you want him to reciprocate your love, say and show that he loves you in a romantic way? You have indicated this in the past and I wonder if it is still the case.

Do you think you could continue to have a good therapeutic relationship, grow and heal, if he did not reciprocate your love in the way you would want?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

It's about his ability to accept my feelings as I know they do affect him
personally. What should he "do" with my love?

WHAT I IMAGINE A T MIGHT SAY:

I accept you love. I'm pleased and flattered and grateful. You know, of course, that there can never be anything physical between us. But love is a good thing. If you feel comfortable with me, you trust me and feel more able to confide in me, that is is very valuable.

[ECHOES]

Issues like this, as real as they are, can also be a resistance. It is a safe and happy place to be, even if it is a fantasy of idealizing, and it can be hard to move from it to other things.

[MASIMO]

I wish he could put my love in a place in his life where he is comfortable
With my feelings. I thought he had. He has said he trusts me, feels comfortable with me, talked how We have an intimate relationship, yet never to be physical.

So it throws me when i get needy and rarely express my love for him, he says he doesn't know where to put it. If he has accepted it, Why does he reply with uncertainty. I thought We were finally comfortable with what We Feel towards each other.
Every part of me says he is in love with me. I would be so happy if he was forthcoming, but i don't expect that from him nor do i expect physical intimacy. That would be disastrous for both of us.
If he would simply be honest and say how he feels about me whether he says he loves me or not,
I Think it would-be better for me to know, so We could continue therapy from this point onward.
No matter If the truth were painful it would-be honest. All he says is he has limitations, and i guess these include not discussing How he feels. I'm at a point in my life that If I knew someone truly loved me It would help me move forward, even if that person is someone I could never be with .

[feralkittymom]

You've got a lot of unrealistic and confused thinking going on around this issue. I suspect he is being rather circumspect in order to gently diminish your rather volatile feelings.

[Brightheart]

What happens if you think about giving your love back to yourself? It's your love. How do you feel it? Can you connect with that and know these are your gifts?

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I'm at a point in my life that If I knew someone truly loved me It would help me move forward, even if that person is someone I could never be with .

My version of this is that at one point, I believed that if only my CSA perpetrator would apologize for what he did (as oppose to just acknowledge that it happened), then I would be healed from that experience. Then he died, and there was no more opportunity for him to apologize, and I had to give up my belief that an apology would magically have the power to transform my unresolved issues into resolved ones.

Realizing that I believed this, and that it wasn't true-- that nothing HE said or did had the power to heal me, and that I wasn't dependent on what HE did or said in order to move my life and myself forward, that did really heal me in important ways.

I think that it's natural to get into a pattern, when you've been hurt by others in the past, to feel like you must have *something* from another person in order to heal. I just don't think that's true, though. I think you can move forward in your life because you want to move forward in your life, and what you think you need from other people is a false obstacle in your way.

[MASIMO]

It's probably the hardest thing for me to love myself, my self esteem is constantlybeing attacked.
I'm struggling to escape an abusive relationship of 35 years. Sometimes, actually quite often my thinking is very confused. Realizing that i can love again gives me hope for a future without my abuser. I don't think i will love myself until I'm away from him.

[ultramar]

[Some may be confused by this response, but for the record I'm basing it on many previous posts by the OP as well].

I think you've been struggling with this for a long time: wanting your therapist to love and want you romantically and trying to find any indication that this is the case in what he says and does.

I think you need to ask yourself if you can do the work and healing in therapy without him loving you in a kind of all-consuming, romantic way. If not, I think this will continue to be an issue.

Do you feel that you have made gains in therapy? If so, what are they? Are you interested in working on things you struggle with, or are you principally interested in having him reciprocate your in-love feelings? I don't know if you think this would be healing, but I think -in theory- in could be more healing for a therapist to be able to hear and experience these feelings towards him and not act on them (including not acting on them verbally).

In not telling you that he reciprocates your feelings, he is being a good therapist. Given the intensity of your feelings for him, telling you this I think would be destructive and I think there's a part of wanting him to reciprocate that is self-destructive in nature. But it also seems that you don't feel you can move on without him telling/showing you he loves you in the way you want. There seems to be an impasse.

Have you considered seeing another therapist?

[MASIMO]

I have struggled with my need to be loved by him, and i believe he does. I have made progress in therapy and am working on trying to start a new life. My t has helped me tremendously. When We are in session How I Feel towards him is not the focus at all. I'm generally content with our relationship, but occasionallymy feelings of love do consume me. I would never seek another therapist.
I need to put Everything into perspective right now. Thank you all for your insight, it is helpful.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Realizing that I believed this, and that it wasn't true-- that nothing HE said or did had the power to heal me, and that I wasn't dependent on what HE did or said in order to move my life and myself forward, that did really heal me in important ways.

Thanks for this. I need to think about why apology is so important to me.

PS:

Did you ever forgive him?

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Thanks for this. I need to think about why apology is so important to me.

PS:

Did you ever forgive him?

Thank you for saying so and for asking.

I did forgive him. I don't believe that he expected forgiveness and I do believe that some things are unforgiveable by their very nature, but I forgave him because I needed to be the kind of person that could forgive. I do not regret it.

I also had a window of opportunity where I could have really hurt him, when he was vulnerable to me because of an illness. I found myself loving him with an outpouring from my core self so strong that it was like I was almost on fire. And I have continued to love him because that is who he has been to me, someone that I have loved for all of my life. His unforgiveable acts don't change that.

[CantExplain]

Thanks. This is strangely relevant to me and Madame T.