Cannot go over time without FREAKING OUT.

And for what it's worth, I am not talking about those people's who have their T go over with them on purpose. I am talking about the ones who deliberately hang out and wait, or go back in after leaving. And I get that it's MY issue that I have such a horror and aversion to that behavior.

Same here. When I was seeing my prior T, the girl with the appointment before mine showed up an hour late. She stood in the waiting room and griped at T that she needed to see him even though SHE was the one who made the error. He had already explained to her that he had another client waiting to talk to him. I was less than a foot away. I'm sorry she was overwhelmed by her feelings, but cannot even begin to comprehend why she felt it was permissible to decide she was the most important thing in the room. She ended up leaving in a huff. T said that some people have a tendency to feel entitled.

That also taught me how T's can quickly rebound and become "with" the next client. He was zeroed right in on me. You'd never have known he'd just had someone walk out.

I just wanted to say something about "being that person". WHILE you're being that person, you (or I should say, I) didn't really notice or care that I was bothering other people As I was transitioning out of being that person and trying to control my mouth, it was more painful. As it was always painful just living before. Now, now that I'm actually becoming a QUIET person, I notice people acting strangely around me - making verbal digs, averting eye contact - and I just think, well, I guess you don't think I'm that interesting, and that's certainly your right; probably the feeling is mutual

My advice, if anybody cares, would be to worry less about being that person, because if you're THAT worried, it probably means you ARE doing it, unconsciously. Hmm. That's probably why my t did this whole thing for a while of HE was the boss of when the session was over, not me. He like wouldn't let me leave. I would get up to go, and he'd put his foot on top of mine and say no, we have two more minutes. I know stopdog is dancing right now, not in a good way!!, but my t is like a cute little puppy to me sometimes and it was okay. This is also what I mean by my being easily fooled. I have no idea what this all "meant", but it seemed positive.

Pardon me, but ********. I know pbutton and she does not act that way. She is so worried about doing to others what was done to her, that she is going to the OPPOSITE end of the spectrum from encroaching on other people's boundaries. My T tells me the same thing about me - that I am at the opposite end of the spectrum from people who do this because I have such a horror of it. He tells me there is a middle ground that is not horrible, but I have not found it.

Right there with you. My boundaries have been so trampled over that I'm terrified of doing it to other people. My T keeps telling me there's a middle ground, but I've yet to find it myself. T often points out to me how I've gone to the extreme other end to try and protect my own boundaries and not infringe on others.

Well, I wasn't talking to pbutton. I was talking about myself. But if the shoe fits... stop yelling at me. Just because the situation bothers me, doesn't mean I'm right or wrong.

ETA: I don't think you fix something by bulldozing over it, by saying. "No, look over HERE!!" But different people do therapy different ways. It's not easy to admit you're one of "those people", whoever they are. But I have been feeling more like myself. And I looked at my post, and I really don't see how anybody could have taken it personally.

My T has told me that I am not one of those people. He says I go too far in the opposite direction.

It seems to me as though the two bolded statements contradict one another:

Okay. What I'm saying is, if you (or I) are SO focused on NOT doing A, then we're probably unconsciously doing B, which, if we realized it, we would not be so happy about. And B is probably related to A in some way. I don't use salt when I cook, then I buy lunchmeat which is salty but fast cuz I didn't cook. If YOU don't do this, and by you, I mean the rest of the world, then goodie for you. I should take a lesson. But the lesson is not about salt - it's about how to take care of ourselves. So what is the lesson about in not overstaying our welcome, is yhe real question. Because the truth is, the fact is, we ALL are welcome at our t's, kinda by definition. What is all this prancing around about? "Oh, I'm not like THAT!" Unless we're afraid we are? And why would we be afraid we are? Because we were unwelcome at home. So it would make MORE sense FOR us to be like that. Imo.

I have also had the if "I am focused on not doing A, then I am doing B" discussion with T. When I work so hard at not being pushy, I go too far in the other direction and he gets the impression that I think he cannot help me and that I do not care about him.

I'm not sure I completely understand the rest of your post. I thought in my initial post I admitted to being afraid that I am acting like THAT. I also have phobias of fish, basements, blond men, and people touching my feet. I'm 100% certain that it's not because I am any of those things.

ETA: I read it one last time and the lightbulb went on. I was welcome at home - I'm the family hero. I think my situation may be a bit different.

Hi pbutton!

Your mother sounds like mine, so I might have a sense of where this is coming from.

I don't know if this was your experience, but if you grow up in a situation in which 'offers' of help, kindness...were often not actually such, but about meeting the other person's needs cloaked in meeting yours, it can become very difficult to trust that what is being offered is sincere, comes from a place of caring, and is truly about you and your best interests.

I think the extra time is an 'offer' from your therapist -to help you in a time of need, because he cares, because he feels it is your best interest. Perhaps if you can 'accept' his 'offer' as coming from what you know about him, the good you have experienced with him, rather than an arrow thrown at you from your past...

I think you deserve this 'gift' and I hope you will at some point be able to accept it for what it is.

I have been thinking of a different way of giving how I react to this sort of thing. I worry that the therapist will use the extra time against me - it will cost me too much (not money as such) - the potential price of the staying over will be more than the potential benefit. I am not worried about me being a boundary basher - I assume others can hold their boundaries just like I can hold mine - someone bouncing against my boundaries does not especially upset me in that gut fashion that it does for some. I fear the expectation from the therapist that the extra time will accomplish something (that I will fail at), or will be used against me in some manner by the therapist (I am not saying this is a rational fear).
Mine is still the same inability to accept something like this as a gift - but from a different fear than some of the descriptions here perhaps. And perhaps a different control. I think both (or more) are an attempt at control - just perhaps different types.

It is definitely about control, in a way I cannot pinpoint. It is also about being unwilling to accept help. He was also talking about us being a team earlier in the session, and that was bothering me as well. Hmm. Still thinking it all over, mixed in with moments of being absolutely convinced that I am going to cancel all remaining sessions. I feel like I want a NEW therapist, but I know I'd just run into this issue all over again. Ugh.

I think unwillingness to accept help is a control thing.
And I reacted so badly to the therapist using the word team that she has never used it again.

Pbutton, if you aware of it so consciously, you are definitely not "that person." And you obviously aren't to be so stressed over it...I know your T wouldn't want you to be.
I think in some of these examples, like the girl showing up late and feeling entitled, these individuals are probably missing out on things like basic courtesy and have a hard time in life. While I would feel upset they were messing with my time, I would also be grateful I wasn't that unaware of myself, because that must be a bad, painful place to be in. She has to struggle in other areas, too...just my 2 cents. I think Hankster was alluding to some of this in his posts.
No one has to agree or disagree with what I just said. I can be Switzerland.

Giving up control and being ok with being a team is being afraid of being let down...that's hard to swallow and feel safe, esp. if you have been really hurt in the past.

Being a team means that he is working with you, not against you. It also means you're not alone.

I hope you're able to work some things out in this process and as a result of this. But meanwhile, while you struggle to feel safe and comfortable again, maybe you and he can agree on not going overtime. It seems, at least for the moment, that this is going to be important for you.

He wants to help you, but that doesn't mean that he thinks or believes you're someone who *must*, *absolutely needs* or *demands* in any way extra time. Surely if going overtime is not helpful for you, if not harmful, he will want to set whatever limits you need.

I definitely do not want to be on a team. I especially do not want him to think I want to be on a team with him. That is horrifying to me. I like to do things myself.

I completely understand the team idea aversion in therapy.
I do however, enjoy playing basketball.

Thank you for your solidarity in this matter. I know I can always count on you to be on my team. (I can't help it. It was beyond my ability to resist.)

I am more into running, yoga, and Pilates. Go figure.

I do fencing, racquetball, and biking more than basketball - and I am not good at any of them.

I think of team in this way as more like olympic tennis team or something - where we are on the same side, but do not actually have to play together. Just near each other.

Today I am trying to picture a world in which I would be willing to accept a gift of time from my T. I have a long ways to go on this one. Part of it is lack of trust, fear of being let down, fear of being like the people I hate the most. I need to get some of this down on paper to take into my next session.

Hey, contemplating your next session is progress!

I HATE teams. They never let me on. Unless it was a math team, and those peeps were losers.

pbutton, no matter how much time t gives you, you will never turn into one of those narcissistic types. It's just not in you, but I totally understand the fear.