Couch 51 - They also serve

Can I whine?

Let's recap my week:

Thursday: Sent T a "Hey, I noticed this crazy thing about myself" email. He responded with a funny comment. Happy times.

Friday: Woke up in a panic at 4 AM, wrote an insane amount of emotional rambling, reactions to a recent news case, CSA bits and pieces, totally personal horrifying stuff. Emailed it to T before I had a chance to change my mind. Still have yet to re-read the thing and don't remember a whole lot of it.

15 minutes later on Friday: Emailed a panicked explanation, because I felt he could possibly misinterpret one tiny point of my ramble and decide I was a pedophile. (Uh, no, he wouldn't. He knows better. He knows me. But THANKS ANXIETY -- I love to look like a LUNATIC.)

No email response from T. However, the stuff I sent was WAY out of the scope of an appropriate email conversation & I had indicated that to him in both emails. (I am allowed to email emotional stuff because I shut off in session, so he likes to see my writing for us to discuss.)

I am due to see T in 47 minutes. I want to barf. The emails seem SO SO SO SO SO STUPID and gross and like attention-whoring childish lies now.

Should be a really fun time. I'll try not to die of embarassment so that I can report back on how it went.

PButton... I'll be thinking about you. When I've done things like that in past with xT, he was always super supportive... and helpful.. I think your T will be too...

Why is it when other people say they write things that I automatically believe them? But when I do it, I think I am making things up and trying to get attention? Where does that COME FROM? Grr.

I believe you guys but I don't believe myself. Does it feel like I am making this stuff up for fun?

P you need to breathe. it will be ok your T is one of the good people in your life,it will be ok. but omg tha feeling of wanting to barf will hopefully go away just after you start talking about it and you see that things will be ok for yourself

What granite said. Thinking of you, pb.

Granite - hi! Did you have your T session yet, or is it later in the day?

AAARRRGGGHHH! 2 days before the best music festival of the year in my part of the world, I wake up with a sore throat and cold sore the size of Antarctica on the corner of my mouth. How am I supposed to get all folk-y now???

home...had a blast at that store in plymouth...OMG coolest stuff. They had handbags made from recycled candy wrappers! I want one...but I don't need a new handbag right now. They also had handbags made from soda can tabs...outrageous. Lots of really cool decor, really outlandish stuff. I bought a submarine window...lol. It will look need on the wall. Bought an old boat rudder at a tique store next to it too...very cool. And a 1940's cookie jar. Love me some cool sh it. It makes up for the doc being an a-hole.

Well back from supper with my mom. It was pleasant. The only thing that irritated me is she asked if i was still on medication. I felt like saying "none of your damn business" but I didn't. I truthfully answered that I was and she made the comment that "I'm frying my brain." That's all she said though, so I just ignored it and let it be.

Hooray for Gustav Vasa!

I think that would be worth saying.
You should be free to say how you feel.

so damn cool...but freaking heavy.

That sucks.

I'm never again going to commit to regular attendance. The right to walk away is inalienable, in my view.

Even if that's true, he has no right to bully you.
Sounds like he's not the T for you.

Well, I thought I saw a thread a few days or so ago about seeing 2 Ts at once...I was right I found it by doing a search. Interesting discussion as i am considering doing this. I also googled the question and came across articles written by Ts advising against the idea. I have a lot to think about now. I emailed my T about it to see what her take on it is. I asked if she was against the idea if she thought she could fit me into her schedule more often than every 3 or 4 weeks.

We'll see what she says. Now just to play the waiting game.

UGH MUE, that sounds so awful. What a painful situation to be in. Could you stop group and change T's perhaps? maybe the T you have been speaking with?

i did go and it was ok. alright maybe it was more like .i gave her the letter i wrote...yup thats right i did.

That is wonderful Granite! Go You! What did she say about it?

Damn if i can remember

it really is kind of a fragmented mess in my head.i kind of worry about tonight when i am slowing down that it will be messing with me and i will turn everything into negitivity and drama instead of what it really is. but who knows right now it is just a mess of thoughts hiding in the back of my mind as i craft.

Thanks, everyone, for supporting me during this crazy time.

I ended up attending group. The new co-T was there, the new member was there, and the threatening returning member was there. UGH. I pushed through and expressed what I was experiencing. I shared about how I often feel paralyzed. I said that I was very cautious about talking because T accused me of intending to be harmful to the group.

One group member challenged T on it - and T said that he never used the word "harmful". The group member looked at me and asked me if I perceived him saying that or heard him say that. I said that I heard him say it. (And honestly, I have it recorded. So, there's no doubt in my mind at all.) Then, it was dropped.

Later, another member asked me if I trusted T. I froze. I then said that I was unsure at the moment.

Towards the end of the session, I was asked if I was feeling closer to a resolution. I told them I was feeling a little better about group but that I am not feeling good at all about my relationship with T but that I hope it's something we can work through in my individual session.

I spent most of the session crying and being brutally honest. It was hard, but I survived. And most of the group members that care about me showed they cared and were very understanding. The ones that couldn't care less at least kept their mouths shut which I appreciated.

Now I need to figure out how to address T's behavior towards me. I have to come up with a better strategy of how to address it. He is very creative in deflecting and pointing the finger back at me. Telling me how things are my "perception" but yet he can judge me and accuse me of things and it's somehow ok. That's not an environment that I can feel safe in. So, I need it addressed once and for all so that I can determine whether or not I can continue to work with him. I need to take back my power.

xgrpcoT sent me a link to a place that does partial hospitalization that she wants me to consider. It would consist of 4-5 days a week of 6 hour days, doing group therapy with people who have similar trauma issues and individual therapy as well. I need to see if my insurance would cover any of it.

Hooray for you granite! I'm proud of you!!!

Mue- It sounds like you had such a hard time in group T, but that you expressed you feelings and thoughts well. I'm happy that you had good support from the people in the group but I'm wondering if T was supportive or not. Was the only comment he made that of saying he didn't say "harmful"? Hopefully he was silent and listened with an open mind as you poured your feelings out. Good for you for saying what you needed to.

thanks care it was a huge thing for me to do.i would love to be chirping all over the boards about it but not sure that would be a good idea .but it was huge for me in a quiet personal way

i kind of want to scream at the world hey look what i did .I'm proud but then it seems stupid and so insignificant that not anyone really understands. and then there are the emotions that i am trying to not deal with that are brought up with doing such a stupid thing .confusing right???? ill be quiet now. i know it is all stupid but a personal victory for me and a terrifying one also.

Thanks, karebear. I was glad that I got through it without shutting down - although I was crying and shaking through it all. It was embarrassing.

T remained silent when it came to me. He didn't address me at all during the session, and I pretty much refused to look at him. I was very careful with how I worded myself, but it was pretty clear that I was mistrusting of him. He said something about using the word "deconstructive". He didn't. He clearly accused me by phone saying that I intended to be harmful to the group so he was protective of the group. I told him that I wasn't trying to harm anyone. I was trying to get a clear sense of the direction I needed to go in that is in my best interest and needed help figuring it out. I didn't want to give up on something that may be of value to me. Yet, there he was accusing me of intending to be harmful, being unfair, critical, judgmental, dismissive and manipulative.