How to overcome "it's not fair?"

I posted a few days ago about an issue I had with a friend. (To recap: She has substance abuse issues, lies pathologically, got a DUI, got fired, and has been treating me poorly, violating my boundaries, and asking me to bail her out every time she gets in trouble. I wrote her an e-mail politely telling her I will no longer accept this behavior, she never responded, and this has led to the end of our friendship). All the feedback I got on PC, from my T, and from my RL friends is "Good for you; good for setting boundaries; you don't need unhealthy people in your life. Let go of those who bring issues negativity; hold on to the real friends who bring positivity and are there when you need them." I fully agree.

However, I just happen to be on fb newsfeed today, and I happen to see this girl's latest post: she put up pictures of her weekend, where's she's out and about, laughing, smiling, and writing captions like "best weekend of my life" and "never been happier!" and "came into some cash!" This is the same weekend that she made plans with me, flaked on me, passed out drunk, texted me for help, and ultimately received an e-mail from me, stating that her behavior had caused me to cut ties with her. It's disheartening to hear that my e-mail in no way caused her to think about her behavior, contemplate any changes, or even dampered her mood. Instead, she seems to be having the time of her life. She even wrote one post that said "looks like all my hard work is paying off!" My first thought: "What hard work? She's been drunk every night?" To me, it just feels as though she is being rewarded for her bad behavior-- she's having fun, she come into some money, and even though I cut ties with her, it seems others are more than willing to bail her out. I realize that my anger over this is MY issue. The fact that I'm even giving this time and thought is MY issue. I realize that I shouldn't even look at her fb when it comes up in my news feed and I should put my energy into my life, and not think about hers. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. For whatever reason, this is bothering me and I can't just "not think about." It "gets to me" when it feels as though others are getting a good outcome from engaging in destructive behaviors. For instance, I have another friend who is making a lot of money by illegally renting out a property she purchased through a government program by lying about her circumstances, she is cheating on her live-in partner, and she was just telling me yesterday on the phone about how everything is "going her way" right now. I try not to get over-involved in others' circumstances-- and I try to just focus on living my life the way that feels right for me (no lying, no cheating, no illegal stuff). But, sometimes, it just makes me feel like "life's not fair." And, of course, as an adult, I know that life isn't fair and that I need to accept that, and get over it. I also know that in some ways, I'm very lucky-- I'm comfortable financially, I have a successful job, a good education, wonderful close friends, and a strong relationship with (most) of my family. But sometimes, I still can't help but feel irritated when situations like that happen with others I know. How do I work on this? How do I "retrain" these thoughts/feelings? How do I truly accept that "life's not fair" and get over it?

As I type this, I'm realizing that I think this feeling stems from the disparity in treatment between my sister and I when we were growing up. I did everything that I was supposed to do-- got good grades, was polite and respectful, didn't smoke, didn't do drugs, didn't have sex, etc-- and I was ignored by my dad and abused by our biological mom and our nanny. My sister did everything you'r not supposed to do-- bad grades, drank, did drugs, had sex, snuck out, talked back, etc-- and she got attention and praise from our dad and our nanny (and no abuse). Since she was my little sister, I always stepped in and protected her and took the abuse so she wouldn't have to. To this day, neither she nor my dad has ever acknowledged these disparities in treatment or the fact that I spent my childhood protecting her. It has always bothered me that my sister was always rewarded with attention, praise, and gifts for acting out, while I was routinely punished/abused despite my good behavior. I have talked about this in therapy off and on, I suppose I haven't resolved it or fully healed from it. I've asked my T before "how do I accept that life isn't fair?" and she hasn't really had any strategies to recommend. Has anyone else's T given them anything that works? I don't want to be angry or frustrated or harp on these kinds of disparities. I want to "get over them." I just don't know how. If it was as easy as "stop thinking about them" or "focus on yourself"-- then I'd be doing it. It's harder than that...

I hear ya. "At least I'm not an ahole like them" (which my t basically said this week - "somehow you escaped turning out like them, which is unusual" - and he emphasized that he actually knows, since he met the mother once) - anyway, while that is a comfort, like someone else said here on pc, now they're out celebrating their ahole selves and we're all alone. But it was worse being with them. This could be temporary, but at least it's not painfully wrong.

Thanks, hankster. I think I actually needed to hear "well, at least you're not an a-hole like them" today!

You also mentioned this friend is a pathological liar. That likely applies to her FB posts. It may be her defense in response to screwing up royally. And a way of reaffirming to herself and people who dont know the whole story that shes awesome.

As to its not fair. I understand the feeling of doing all things right and seeing someone reap rewards that we feel like dang how is that fair? Im a believer in karma and also that while it seems all the wrong people get things that I feel I "deserves" (money, can easily find another job etc) I know that Im living life with morals and treating people the way they should be treated instead of crapping on them.

I think you've got the answer in your post: why it bothers you is an old wound, and one that ultimately, you can't re-do. All you can do is change your feeling about it, and keep working at allowing yourself to feel differently through experiences in the present. But it takes time, and a willingness to focus your attention on the experiences/relationships that nourish you. It won't feel like enough, and it may prompt that need to feel cheated, wherever it comes from. But I think that each time you resist the familiar negative feelings, they lose a little power.

Why not block her from your FB? What keeps you from doing that?

I think she's lying.

By the way, very few arseholes are happy.

I recommend de friending and blocking your now former friend on FB. Then, you won't see these things. Also, people put up a huge facade on FB. Everyone has struggles and their own issues, no matter what they say or post. Yes, some people are rewarded for poor behavior, but they do have to live with the consequences. What helped me with the whole not fair thing was spending less time on FB and more time with friends and family. I set my own goals and focused on myself rather than others. As my T, and Teddy Roosevelt, would say, "Comparison is the thief of joy." Don't do it!

this. honestly, your friend isn't happy. she's got loads of problems. she's probably lying too. try not to "compare and despair." scorp, i don't know if you are spiritual at all, but for myself i know that in the end i will have joy. this life is certainly not always easy but i believe it isn't all there is. keeping that in perspective helps me navigate the momentary stuff. gratitude for what i do have also really helps. keeping track of what is going well rather than what isn't.

i've read a lot of your posts but don't usually comment on them as i'm not always sure what to say. one thing though i do think you would be much better off holding out for better quality friends. you describe some of your friends as addicts, alcoholics, cheaters, liars, etc. who needs that in their life?! i know you want lesbian friends but these people aren't treating each other or you right. i think waiting for the quality ones and facing or accepting your loneliness/identity issues would be a much healthier approach. when i've settled and become friends with people i know i normally wouldn't under better circumstances i have really regretted it in the long run. i think you are experiencing something similar.

Thanks, blur. I agree that I'm better served by only keeping quality friends in my life-- I am definitely working on distancing myself from the kinds of friends you mention above. Luckily, I do have a lot of quality (straight female & gay male) friends in my current city, and a lot of quality lesbian friends from the cities I lived in previously. I don't think lonieness or identity issues are a problem for me, but I do think you are correctly picking up on my frustration with the lesbian community in my current city. I moved from a big, metropolitan city to a small, midwestern town and it's been a bit of a culture shock for me. I think I have lowered my friendship standards a bit in an effort to make friends in the community and, while I do enjoy going out with them to events, they aren't really the greatest people to keep close. Luckily, they're not the people I hang out with regularly; most of my friends are other PhDs, other volunteers in the mentor program I belong to, and other people I met through a young professionals organization. I just happened to have met these other women while trying to become involved in the lesbian community here, and I didn't realize that they had any of these issues until we became much closer-- and then I got sucked into a bit of a "rescuer" role which I recently abdicated. So, like you suggest, if by cutting these friends out of my life, I no longer have very many lesbian friends in my city, then so be it. I'll continue to drag my gay guy best friend with me to events and continue to tell him that he's the hottest femmie in the room Seriously. The sandals on display at the girls' pride dance party were out of control...

1. You can't buy love, no matter what coin you use.
2. No one has just good days or just bad days nor do the good and bad necessarily correspond to when we think they will or should.
3. We have no control over what goes on around us, just the illusion of control; we only control our own actions.

What do you think fair would be in regards to this woman? Or others in general? And the idea of what equals being good or bad or moral or immoral is not a set idea - it varies. I don't think there is a universal good or moral.
Do your emails usually cause people to think about their behavior (a phrase that would send me over the edge if someone used it at me), contemplate changes or dampen their moods?

Sometimes I wonder whether you find your own self-care actions to be insufficient unless they also have an effect on the behavior of others.

No, of course not. I'd like to think that my e-mails are usually witty, funny, and smile-inducing

But in this particular case-- after talking to my T about boundaries-- I wrote this girl a polite but honest e-mail about how her actions were affecting me, how she was violating my boundaries even after I set limits with her, and how I could not continue a friendship with her if she were not going to respect my boundaries. The things I mentioned in the e-mail were how she brought drugs into my house, did drugs in my bathroom, and passed out (causing me to take her to the hospital), how she subsequently listed me as her emergency contact without asking me so I get called now every time she takes drugs and winds up in the hospital (which is often), how she routinely calls/texts me after midnight despite my making it clear that was a boundary for me (I have to get up for work!), how it affects me when she makes plans with me and does not show up (so I sit there waiting), how she calls me for bail money when she gets arrested for drugs and DUI (which I do not give; another boundary), how she got drunk and touched me inappropriately in an attempt to hook up with me (NOT wanted!), and how it is inappropriate for her to talk to her friend (my student) about details about my personal/dating life.

I do think that, in this instance, it would not be "wrong" on my part to hope that my writing her a heartfelt e-mail about all of the things she's done that have impacted me and violated my boundaries, caused her to think: "Gee, maybe I should re-evaluate what I'm doing." I also thought she might feel badly when she saw, in print, how her actions have affected me negatively, and I thought she might be sad about losing my friendship. That is why I thought it might dampen her mood. I didn't expect that, on the same day I wrote her that letter, she'd be posting "best day ever! never been happier!" As other have suggested, she might have been fibbing on her fb. But if she really could read my e-mail and have no emotional reaction, go have fun with others, and have "the best day ever!"-- then I truly am at a loss for words. When I asked her before (shocked!) about why she listed me as her emergency contact, she said it was because she had no one else and I was the only responsible person she knew who was still there for her. Every time I thought about cutting her out of my life before, that line replayed in my head and it made me want to give her another chance. It was hard for me to send the e-mail, cutting her off, because I was afraid she'd have no one left. I was afraid about what might happen to her. I assumed that hearing that I, too, couldn't take it anymore (her family also cut her off recently)-- maybe it would be a "wake up call" for her. Or, at least, I hoped it might be.

I fully agree that "right" and "wrong" are relative and that there are no universal moral standards. However, I do believe that one's behavior needs changing if one is frequently ending up in the hospital from a drug overdose, driving drunk, and failing to respect others' boundaries. It's not so much that these are "morally wrong" but, rather, that they are dangerous and life threatening-- not only for her, but for others as well (i.e. she could kill someone else by driving while drunk/high-- she could get me arrested by bringing drugs into my home, without my permission).

It sounds like you at least in part answered your own question (at least the why question) in your last paragraph, which is very insightful.

Ugh, these two people sound rather selfish/self-centered to me. For the record, I had some very wild years myself, but I didn't jerk around my friends in the process -you can do both, if that makes sense.

Maybe it will help to accept that if they were to change their behaviors at some point in their lives, it most likely will not be because of you (you pointing them out, etc.). Especially when one is filling some needs (without terrible consequences) then there will need to be a deep shift within that person to make changes, it's not going to happen with all the reasoned suggestions in the world on the part of a friend.

I would keep in mind too that I suspect that especially in venues like FB, people may exaggerate how wonderful everything is (to impress, to feel less badly themselves, etc.) and it's possible things aren't all roses for her, as much as she may make it seem so. In other words, I wouldn't take what is written on FB at face value. Also, I may be being too suspicious here, but is it possible that some of what she wrote was for your benefit? As in, you can criticize me, leave me all you want, I had tons of fun *despite* you/anyway (assuming she knew you may well read what she wrote). Again, I may be being too suspicious here.

I think you'll feel better pulling out of her life completely, though I know it may be hard at the moment. I doubt you'll ever be privy to her getting burned for her behavior, so I don't think it will be helpful looking for this -I think you'll always be disappointed, and it will feed the feelings of unfairness.

I'd talk to your therapist about what is happening right now with this ex-friend in the context of what you talk about in your last paragraph. I know you've talked to her about it before, but maybe having this context will make the discussion more fruitful/helpful.

I am not sure I fully get it. You would rather be mentally unstable, drunk and act out? I am sure most people would prefer to be well educated, stable and a good and healthy individual. So whats not fair, really? You seem to have created a good life for yourself. Doesn´t that make it "fair". You ARE the lucky one in all this, it seems. I wonder, what it is that you want and are not getting?

Two thoughts:

1. She might not believe that you would actually cut her off.

2. With regard to being an emergency contact: cutting that off seems to particularly trouble you. Therefore, you could consider keeping that status. In other words, you would respond if the hospital or the police call you, but otherwise you would not respond.

I think it sounds as though you wanted her to have an emotional response to your email that from outward appearances it does not seem as though she had. It may or not be true that she did not have any feeling or response to your email. It is possible I think to have an emotional response to an email (although possibly not the one you wanted) and still go on to have fun. It may be that you took her more seriously than she took her words to you. She could be being glib because she was hurt by your email (not your problem or even necessarily your intent, but a possibility for her) or because she has had so many people she has run off, one more is usual or par for the course or even comfortable for her because it is so usual.
It seems to me the emphasis being on her, rather than your own good boundary setting and letting go of this woman thereby freeing yourself in a sense, is a bit off. You set the boundaries for you and I think that is a good thing. But her response is not within your control.

Or she was just plain old drunk. Usually that doesn´t leave much " room" for reading and responding to emails or other peoples feelings in general.

You are basically asking someone WHO is drunk all the time, to give you a " clear headed, normal" emotional response. Thats setting yourself up for failure, I am afraid.

Of course I would prefer to be in my situation-- well educated, stable, and healthy. I do not want to be unstable, drunk, or act out. What felt "unfair" was that my friend (supposedly) had this great weekend, despite her bad behavior towards me, while I had a difficult and emotional weekend because I decided to end the friendship.

Stopdog got it right when she said that I wanted my friend to have an emotional reaction to my letter.

You also got it right in your second post when you said I was expecting a "clear" response from someone who was just plain old drunk. I hadn't thought about that. I was expecting her to read it and respond like a sober person-- but she isn't a sober person. So, I am going to stop waiting and move on.

I told her in the e-mail that I no longer was comfortable being her emergency contact and that she should put down someone else. Did she actually do that? who knows. I suppose I'll find out the next time she's in the hospital...

Don't let her actions, if she still has you down as emergency contact, dictate what you want to do; you tell the emergency people who call you are not her contact; it's not like she's a relative. Could be it takes a literal wake up call like that from someone else for her to understand. E-mails and constant complains or threats, etc. can be ignored or imagined away but having the ER say, "try again, that person doesn't want anything to do with you" can't be ignored and gotten around?

For me, that sort of comeuppance would make it feel more "fair".

Uhm.. It seems like you need to educate yourself on this one?

[quote=scorpiosis37;3153162]Of course I would prefer to be in my situation-- well educated, stable, and healthy. I do not want to be unstable, drunk, or act out. What felt "unfair" was that my friend (supposedly) had this great weekend, despite her bad behavior towards me, while I had a difficult and emotional weekend because I decided to end the friendship.

Stopdog got it right when she said that I wanted my friend to have an emotional reaction to my letter.

You also got it right in your second post when you said I was expecting a "clear" response from someone who was just plain old drunk.I hadn't thought about that. I was expecting her to read it and respond like a sober person-- but she isn't a sober person.So, I am going to stop waiting and move on.[/

Oh Scorpio...I would bet money on the fact that your letter to her was some sort of narcissistic injury and ALL of her FB activity was posted especially for your eyes only.

Good for you for speaking truth to the girl.

I tell my friends, "never compare your inside to someone else's outside." You KNOW this girl. You know she's not truly happy. You know it wasn't the best weekend of her life.

It's really quite sad that instead of focusing on herself, she's putting up a facade meant to fool others.

I don't think it's what I attract so much as it is a symptom of moving to a new (smaller) city for the first time as an adult (i.e. not in a college environment), and not knowing where to go to meet other, stable, professional lesbian women. I didn't happen to meet any lesbian women at work, or in the organization I volunteer with, or in my young professionals group, or at the gym, or out and about in the city. I simply don't enjoy what you might call "stereotypical" lesbian activities-- I don't like hiking, or watching sports, or camping, or dog parks, or anything else where lesbians might tend to congregate-- nor do I want to meet others who enjoy those activities, since I don't enjoy them. So, where did I go to try and meet other lesbian women? After feeling as though I had exhausted the possibility of meeting other lesbian women in the course of my daily routine, I tried the lesbian bars and the internet (since my city doesn't have an LGBT center or anything similar). At first, the women I met seemed "normal." Then, after really getting to know them, I found out they had a lot of problems. I was slow to cut ties, and allowed myself to get "sucked in" so to speak. Not cutting ties earlier was my issue... that IS a symptom of my not wanting to "abandon" anyone... but this is the first time I've ever been around people with substance abuse issues or people who lie chronically, and it really caught me off guard and, quite frankly, I didn't know what to do. My first instinct was to try and "help"-- and now, I've realized that I can't help... it doesn't work that way. So, I've learned something from this and I won't be doing it again. I have no future plans to go out to the lesbian bars and I deleted my online profile over a month ago, so I don't see myself making these mistakes again. I have plenty of "normal" non-lesbian friends, and that's good enough right now. In fact, on the upside, I hosted a backyard 4th of July party yesterday, and had a fantastic time and got my mind off of this for awhile!