[Chopin99]

MATERNAL TOUCH

Unwanted identities:
1. Sexual – of, pertaining to, or for sex
What does this perception mean to me?
I do not want others to sexualize this need.
Why is it so unwanted?
People sometimes perceive this need as sexual and judge it negatively.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society, Mom, previous therapists, friends.
2. Peculiar – strange, queer, odd; uncommon, unusual
What does this perception mean to me?
I don’t want people to think I am weird.
Why is it so unwanted?
Weirdness as defined by abnormality causes most people to shy away because they do not wish to be perceived similarly.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society, Mom, T, friends.
3. Untouchable – vile or loathsome to the touch
What does this perception mean to me?
If I am untouchable, I must be undesirable. If I am undesirable, I must be a lesser person. A lesser person is worthless.
Why is it so unwanted?
I don’t want to be perceived as lesser, worthless, a pariah.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society.
4. Needy – in a condition of need or want; impoverished
What does this perception mean to me?
Needy equals weak.
Why is it so unwanted?
I do not want to be seen as weak.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society, parents, H, friends.
5. Pathetic – causing or evoking pity; miserably or contemptibly inadequate; worthless
What does this perception mean to me?
If I am pathetic, I must be undesirable. If I am undesirable, I must be a lesser person. A lesser person is worthless.
Why is it so unwanted?
I don’t want to be perceived as lesser, worthless, a pariah.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society.

Shame screens:
1. Move away – I do not allow most others know that I have this need. I hide it.
2. Move toward – If something occurs in a relationship that causes me to think this person may be amenable to meeting this need, I will hint about it until I am reasonably certain the person will meet it. Then I will ingratiate myself toward that person with behaviors that will please the individual.

Critical awareness:
1. What are the social-community expectations around desiring maternal touch?
That an adult shouldn’t have this need. It should have been met in childhood.
2. Why do these expectations exist?
American society as a whole is becoming self-protective, litigious, and prone to labeling. Labeling pathologizes anything that is not seen as “normal”.
3. How do these expectations work?
Using subtle cultural signals that adults shouldn’t have many needs in general, much less needs labeled as “childish”. Touch between adults is highly sexualized.
4. How is our society influenced by these expectations?
Unless in ritualized greetings, acts of comfort, or to signal sexual desire, adults tend to maintain a hands-off approach with other people. Any other type of touch is pathologized as abnormal.
5. Who benefits from these expectations?
The sex industry, unscrupulous lawyers, mental health providers.
6. If someone perceives me as having these unwanted identities, what will happen?
Probably nothing, because I am likely blowing this need out of proportion. Judgmental people may judge me, but why should I care what a judgmental person believes about me because it would be highly unlikely that I would want to be around someone like that.
7. Can I control how others perceive me? How do I try?
I cannot control what other people think. Even though I know that, I still attempt to do so. It’s futile really and a waste of time.

Reaching out:
1. Who are the individuals and groups who form my connection network in relation to my need for maternal touch?
H, PC forum.
2. Who reaches out to me with empathy and support?
H, T, PC forum.
3. Who are the individuals and groups who form the shame web around this issue?
Mom, T, society at large.
4. When I see people who are struggling with the same issue, do I reach out with empathy or do I insulate myself?
It depends. It is easy on the PC forum because I am not face to face with people there. I really haven’t encountered anyone in my real life who has expressed the same desire.

[rainbow8]

You know that I relate to this issue, Chopin. Not too many have responded to my thread about my session because of the focus on touching, I presume. Touch except for hugging by a T doesn't get talked about very much.

I have a dumb question. What exactly do you mean by maternal touch? To me, it means hugging and holding hands. Hugging other women is NOT frowned upon in society. I'm not talking about touch by a T; that's another issue, though related. Are you talking about wanting it from your T, other than hugging? Holding hands with women DOES seem weird except in brief instances for comfort. I don't do that with women friends though, when I have held hands briefly, it felt good. Holding hands with my T felt very shameful at first but she made me feel it was all right.

I don't think it's shameful to want maternal touch at all. I think it's confusing for me because, with my T, there may be a sexual component too, but mainly it's me wanting to be comforted by "Mommy".

I'm wondering whether other straight woman would want to offer maternal touch other than hugging. Or can maternal touch come from a man?

I'm getting confused as I write this and would like to discuss it more, especially exactly what you mean by maternal touch. I didn't touch my Mom very much after I became a teenager, I'd say. We didn't even hug in my family as adults. When I was little, I know she hugged me and kissed me, and I remember when I was 9 or 10 we called each other a silly name and rubbed noses.

I will be interested to hear what your T says about this subject. I admire you for treading into these scary and deep waters in therapy.

[CantExplain]

One point I'm not clear on, C: Who do you want to touch you?

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

You know that I relate to this issue, Chopin. Not too many have responded to my thread about my session because of the focus on touching, I presume. Touch except for hugging by a T doesn't get talked about very much.

I would have responded to your thread if I had seen it...apparently I did not! I'll try to find it when I'm done with my response.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I have a dumb question. What exactly do you mean by maternal touch? To me, it means hugging and holding hands. Hugging other women is NOT frowned upon in society. I'm not talking about touch by a T; that's another issue, though related. Are you talking about wanting it from your T, other than hugging? Holding hands with women DOES seem weird except in brief instances for comfort. I don't do that with women friends though, when I have held hands briefly, it felt good. Holding hands with my T felt very shameful at first but she made me feel it was all right.

I identify as a bisexual woman, attracted to both sexes. I will answer your questions with examples from my own experiences with my mom, a teacher with whom I had a mentor/student relationship with when I was age 14-16 (who is still unmarried at age 48...infer what you will), a straight friend of mine from my past (who was touchy-feely), my ex-GF (but only times when touch was not sexual...which was rather often), and my current T (who identifies as touchy-feely). My current set of female friends are not very touchy-feely.

Hugging (for longer than the 3-5 seconds hugs normally last):
Mom - only when I was younger than 10, and then, not very often.
Teacher - yes, she would hold me for 1-5 minutes at a time.
Friend - would sometimes hug for 20-30 seconds.
ex-GF - will hug me at length sometimes now. In the past, yes, hugs were long.
T - let me hang on to her for 20-30 seconds and returned the hug; then stopped it when it caused a block. A couple of weeks ago when I asked for a "long hug", she held on and wouldn't let me let go for 1.5-2 minutes.

Sitting next to someone who has her arm around me:
Mom - not often and only before age 10.
Teacher - would do this a lot.
Friend - on occasion.
ex-GF - yes.
T - hasn't done it, but described it as normal in a mother-daughter relationship.

Sitting next to someone resting my head on her shoulder:
Mom - this is what I tried when she told me, "Stop it, that's weird" when I was 10.
Teacher - would let me do this if upset.
Friend - no.
ex-GF - yes.
T - expressed much surprise that my mom reacted that way. Said she still lets her 26-year-old daughter do this.

Holding hands:
Mom - almost never.
Teacher - yes.
Friend - yes.
ex-GF - yes.
T - no.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't think it's shameful to want maternal touch at all. I think it's confusing for me because, with my T, there may be a sexual component too, but mainly it's me wanting to be comforted by "Mommy".

I'm wondering whether other straight woman would want to offer maternal touch other than hugging. Or can maternal touch come from a man?

There is not a sexual component with my T, despite my bisexuality. She is simply not my "type". I'm not in denial about it either; I've tried to get myself sexually worked up over her and I just can't. I don't know too many straight women who want to "mother" another (I can think of only two examples). I don't think maternal touch can be satisfied through a man's touch. I enjoy my H's touch and find it rather comforting, but it does not satisfy the maternal craving.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm getting confused as I write this and would like to discuss it more, especially exactly what you mean by maternal touch. I didn't touch my Mom very much after I became a teenager, I'd say. We didn't even hug in my family as adults. When I was little, I know she hugged me and kissed me, and I remember when I was 9 or 10 we called each other a silly name and rubbed noses.

I will be interested to hear what your T says about this subject. I admire you for treading into these scary and deep waters in therapy.

I hope I helped answer your questions. I don't have a lot of answers, or I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

One point I'm not clear on, C: Who do you want to touch you?

Right now, T. I would also be fine if ex-GF chose to also, as long as it was non-sexual. It has occurred with her since we broke up, but not in the last year or so.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Right now, T. I would also be fine if ex-GF chose to also, as long as it was non-sexual. It has occurred with her since we broke up, but not in the last year or so.

That seems like a very modest goal. I don't see how anyone could call it excessive.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

That seems like a very modest goal. I don't see how anyone could call it excessive.

Well, it's not like I'm grabbing random women in the street saying, "Hold me?"

[Asiablue]

This is good brave work Chopin. I feel touch deprived and also feel lots of shame for wanting a "mommy" in adult life to just curl up with sometimes.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Well, it's not like I'm grabbing random women in the street saying, "Hold me?"

Funny. That would be a different problem, one that the lawyers on this forum could help you with

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Well, it's not like I'm grabbing random women in the street saying, "Hold me?"

I applaud this restraint.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Well, it's not like I'm grabbing random women in the street saying, "Hold me?"

And that's the thing. It's not like I crave it from just anyone who will pay me some mind. The only people I have ever wanted this from are the ones I mention above; Mom, the teacher, my ex-GF, my former friend, and T. Five people in 35 years.

[mixedup_emotions]

Looks like you are well on your way, Chopin!

One thing I wanted to mention, briefly - as I'm exhausted and need to get to bed - is the idea of being needy. This struck a cord with me, as I never ever ever want to be seen as needy....and never really have been. I've been incredibly independent my entire life...needy = weak.

My T is trying to help me see that it's normal and necessary to have needs....and that there's a difference between being needy and being needful. Being direct and assertive about our needs demonstrates being needful....trying to deny ourselves of our needs tends to manifest into neediness, sometimes even without our conscious knowledge.

I have not yet made any progress with this information....but it's something I will be working on at some point soon.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I would have responded to your thread if I had seen it...apparently I did not! I'll try to find it when I'm done with my response.

Thanks very much for responding to my thread.

I identify as a bisexual woman, attracted to both sexes. I will answer your questions with examples from my own experiences with my mom, a teacher with whom I had a mentor/student relationship with when I was age 14-16 (who is still unmarried at age 48...infer what you will), a straight friend of mine from my past (who was touchy-feely), my ex-GF (but only times when touch was not sexual...which was rather often), and my current T (who identifies as touchy-feely). My current set of female friends are not very touchy-feely.

Hugging (for longer than the 3-5 seconds hugs normally last):
Mom - only when I was younger than 10, and then, not very often.
Teacher - yes, she would hold me for 1-5 minutes at a time.
Friend - would sometimes hug for 20-30 seconds.
ex-GF - will hug me at length sometimes now. In the past, yes, hugs were long.
T - let me hang on to her for 20-30 seconds and returned the hug; then stopped it when it caused a block. A couple of weeks ago when I asked for a "long hug", she held on and wouldn't let me let go for 1.5-2 minutes.

Sitting next to someone who has her arm around me:
Mom - not often and only before age 10.
Teacher - would do this a lot.
Friend - on occasion.
ex-GF - yes.
T - hasn't done it, but described it as normal in a mother-daughter relationship.

Sitting next to someone resting my head on her shoulder:
Mom - this is what I tried when she told me, "Stop it, that's weird" when I was 10.
Teacher - would let me do this if upset.
Friend - no.
ex-GF - yes.
T - expressed much surprise that my mom reacted that way. Said she still lets her 26-year-old daughter do this.

Holding hands:
Mom - almost never.
Teacher - yes.
Friend - yes.
ex-GF - yes.
T - no.

Thanks for sharing all of the above. Everyone has the same basic needs but some have more needs than others. It seems like your perception that wanting maternal touch is shameful comes from your Mom's attitude, doesn't it?
There is not a sexual component with my T, despite my bisexuality. She is simply not my "type". I'm not in denial about it either; I've tried to get myself sexually worked up over her and I just can't. I don't know too many straight women who want to "mother" another (I can think of only two examples). I don't think maternal touch can be satisfied through a man's touch. I enjoy my H's touch and find it rather comforting, but it does not satisfy the maternal craving.

I know this is my issue, not yours, but if you're bisexual how do you know that you like maternal touching, and not the touching because you just like to be touched and enjoy touching women? I'm not sure that makes sense. I mean, if you weren't bisexual, do you think you would like to be touched by women just as much?

Touching my T's hands feels a lot different from my H's too. Hers feel safer because she is so caring in ways he's not.

I hope I helped answer your questions. I don't have a lot of answers, or I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in.

I hope I'm not hijacking your thread. I'm trying to figure it out, the same as you.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I hope I'm not hijacking your thread. I'm trying to figure it out, the same as you.

Oh I know. I don't feel that way at all. Hopefully we can help each other out and others as well.

I couldn't quote the quotes, so I copied and pasted some of what we both said.

Thanks for sharing all of the above. Everyone has the same basic needs but some have more needs than others. It seems like your perception that wanting maternal touch is shameful comes from your Mom's attitude, doesn't it?

Oh yes. T and I already identified that in and of itself. She was truly shocked at how my mom told me to "stop it" when I leaned my head on her shoulder. When I told her about it, I quickly demonstrated what I did on T. She asked me, "Was your mom sexually abused? What on earth is wrong with that?"

There is not a sexual component with my T, despite my bisexuality. She is simply not my "type". I'm not in denial about it either; I've tried to get myself sexually worked up over her and I just can't. I don't know too many straight women who want to "mother" another (I can think of only two examples). I don't think maternal touch can be satisfied through a man's touch. I enjoy my H's touch and find it rather comforting, but it does not satisfy the maternal craving.

I know this is my issue, not yours, but if you're bisexual how do you know that you like maternal touching, and not the touching because you just like to be touched and enjoy touching women? I'm not sure that makes sense. I mean, if you weren't bisexual, do you think you would like to be touched by women just as much?

Touching my T's hands feels a lot different from my H's too. Hers feel safer because she is so caring in ways he's not.

Because there is a difference between sexual touching and non-sexual touching. I don't think being bisexual makes a difference.

[adel34]

Hi Chopin,
This was so well thought out! Thanks for posting.
I can relate. With my former t, she would hug me and hold me a lot, and there was a lot of nurturing touch in our therapy. It was incredibly helpful in working towards helping me to feel safe expressing my strong feelings, and to help comfort me.
I am having a very hard time asking my new t for a hug, or telling her about how much touch was involved in our work together. I guess a part of me is afraid she'll judge my former t for what was going on, or say that I shouldn't need that. Former t says I should ask, and just see what she says. So I get where you're coming from.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by adel34

Hi Chopin,
This was so well thought out! Thanks for posting.
I can relate. With my former t, she would hug me and hold me a lot, and there was a lot of nurturing touch in our therapy. It was incredibly helpful in working towards helping me to feel safe expressing my strong feelings, and to help comfort me.
I am having a very hard time asking my new t for a hug, or telling her about how much touch was involved in our work together. I guess a part of me is afraid she'll judge my former t for what was going on, or say that I shouldn't need that. Former t says I should ask, and just see what she says. So I get where you're coming from.

Hey adel. This is part of my point. You shouldn't have to be ashamed to tell your current T that your former T used touch in your therapy. We as a society are too afraid of touch. Not all touch is sexual in nature. We need touch simply to survive.

[elysia]

Oh gosh can I ever relate. I just started a thread about a similar subject. I want to badly to receive maternal type comforting touch. I was actually the one to shirk hugs from my own parents growing up. I guess it just didn't seem right or safe to me. Now I crave it, from having missed it for so much of my childhood. I feel so ashamed of this need. Both because of society seeing touch as taboo, and because, well, just wanting maternal touch shames me. I can't make myself admit that. Growing up, asking for things emotionally was frowned upon for me. I want to ask the body worker I work with for physical contact when I'm upset. It's the only way I can calm down sometimes. It would help so much. I also wanted to ask one of the Ts I worked with for a hug. But I couldn't make myself say the words. I wish someone would just read my mind so I wouldn't have to ask or carry the shame around. Sometimes I think we should just walk into sessions with index cards on ourselves and the therapists, with color coding for hug preferences. Lol. Thanks for the thread.... I've enjoyed the outpouring of threads on touch lately, because it helps me so much to know I'm not alone in my need or the shame and silence. I couldn't discuss it in T, but I can discuss it here, and that helps.

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm wondering whether other straight woman would want to offer maternal touch other than hugging. Or can maternal touch come from a man?

I feel I lack positive maternal touch. I'm touch deprived in general. I have had 2 boyfriends in the past that have helped with filling the void, but it's not the same as a mother figure. So for me a male can help, but at the end of the day, it's never going to be enough.

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I know this is my issue, not yours, but if you're bisexual how do you know that you like maternal touching, and not the touching because you just like to be touched and enjoy touching women? I'm not sure that makes sense. I mean, if you weren't bisexual, do you think you would like to be touched by women just as much?

Touching my T's hands feels a lot different from my H's too. Hers feel safer because she is so caring in ways he's not.

Because there is a difference between sexual touching and non-sexual touching. I don't think being bisexual makes a difference.

I agree with you Chopin. I'm a straight female, and touch between me and males can be non-sexual.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Hey adel. We as a society are too afraid of touch. Not all touch is sexual in nature. We need touch simply to survive.

I am also bisexual, which in some stereotypes means that I'm attracted to everyone and everything and all at the same time. But I agree with you that touch and sexual touch and gender are all separate-- for me, touch from men can be sexual or not sexual, and same with touch from women.

But about needing touch to survive, that is completely accurate. Those monkey experiments by Harlow in the 1960's (not totally sure about the time period) where they raised monkeys with wire "mothers" that provided food and terrycloth "mothers" that provided "cuddling" in addition to food. The monkeys raised without any kind of touch at all were psychotic, I think literally. We also know from orphanages in certain parts of the world that severe attachment disorders result from kids who are not held or touched.

Touch needs (non sexual) also seem to be very individually based. I think that I have fewer than the average person, and there were at least a few years where I was very happy only being touched by my cats and dog. I see it in my 11 year old, compared to his friends-- he still wants to hold my hand (even in public), and he's very cuddly and huggy. Sometimes I feel touched out by him even now. My H also asks me for hugs and initiates touching much more than I do. There are times when one of my friends reaches out for a hug and I kind of have to remind myself that it's rude to pull back or flinch. I have to make an effort to hug enthusiastically, but I think many times I'd just as soon not be touched. Sometimes clients or the other lawyers I work with fling themselves into my arms or make it part of the routine to hug hello and goodbye, and I'm okay with that. I feel cautious about not wanting to reject physically the emotional connection I do feel, and I'm much more open and spontaneous about emotional connection than I am physical connection.

[sugahorse1]

You could have posted that directly for me. You cannot believe how much this thread resonates with me...

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

This is good brave work Chopin. I feel touch deprived and also feel lots of shame for wanting a "mommy" in adult life to just curl up with sometimes.

is that really so much to ask? its not like we're asking for a million dollars! i feel alot of sadness too....because its just not really ever going to be there.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

One thing I wanted to mention, briefly - as I'm exhausted and need to get to bed - is the idea of being needy. This struck a cord with me, as I never ever ever want to be seen as needy....and never really have been. I've been incredibly independent my entire life...needy = weak.

My T is trying to help me see that it's normal and necessary to have needs....and that there's a difference between being needy and being needful. Being direct and assertive about our needs demonstrates being needful....trying to deny ourselves of our needs tends to manifest into neediness, sometimes even without our conscious knowledge.

I have not yet made any progress with this information....but it's something I will be working on at some point soon.

I get this. American (and I'm sure other cultures as well) culture values "independence" and "self-reliance". The truth is, we crave connection (not just in a tactile sense) with other people. I believe we are biologically wired for this (although my H and others would disagree). In infants/children, we rely on others for survival. I don't think this need disappears as adults, but our experiences in childhood as well as adulthood can harm our ability to connect with others. Connection, I'm certain, was vital in our evolutionary past, and I'm not so sure we "outgrew" this as society developed into its present state.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by elysia

Oh gosh can I ever relate. I just started a thread about a similar subject. I want to badly to receive maternal type comforting touch. I was actually the one to shirk hugs from my own parents growing up. I guess it just didn't seem right or safe to me. Now I crave it, from having missed it for so much of my childhood. I feel so ashamed of this need. Both because of society seeing touch as taboo, and because, well, just wanting maternal touch shames me. I can't make myself admit that. Growing up, asking for things emotionally was frowned upon for me. I want to ask the body worker I work with for physical contact when I'm upset. It's the only way I can calm down sometimes. It would help so much. I also wanted to ask one of the Ts I worked with for a hug. But I couldn't make myself say the words. I wish someone would just read my mind so I wouldn't have to ask or carry the shame around. Sometimes I think we should just walk into sessions with index cards on ourselves and the therapists, with color coding for hug preferences. Lol. Thanks for the thread.... I've enjoyed the outpouring of threads on touch lately, because it helps me so much to know I'm not alone in my need or the shame and silence. I couldn't discuss it in T, but I can discuss it here, and that helps.

Silence is what carries shame. So I refuse to be silent (although I'm doing it in a safe place right now ). I'm completely with you on the mind reading. It would make things so much easier!!!

Originally Posted by bamapsych

I feel I lack positive maternal touch. I'm touch deprived in general. I have had 2 boyfriends in the past that have helped with filling the void, but it's not the same as a mother figure. So for me a male can help, but at the end of the day, it's never going to be enough.

I think a male can fill a void for general touch deprivation, but only a female can provide the specific maternal nurturing we crave.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I am also bisexual, which in some stereotypes means that I'm attracted to everyone and everything and all at the same time. But I agree with you that touch and sexual touch and gender are all separate-- for me, touch from men can be sexual or not sexual, and same with touch from women.

This is one of the first stereotypes I encountered...from my parents. I was a teenager and we were watching some news story about Madonna. I remember Mom saying, "She's bisexual, so she'll have sex with anything that isn't nailed down." You can only imagine how coming out was for me.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

But about needing touch to survive, that is completely accurate. Those monkey experiments by Harlow in the 1960's (not totally sure about the time period) where they raised monkeys with wire "mothers" that provided food and terrycloth "mothers" that provided "cuddling" in addition to food. The monkeys raised without any kind of touch at all were psychotic, I think literally. We also know from orphanages in certain parts of the world that severe attachment disorders result from kids who are not held or touched.

Yep. I remember studying the studies in several of my psych courses, particularly child psych and lifespan development. It was kind of eye opening for me even then, because I knew I wasn't touched much as a child from my mother. I think I received enough touch from other relatives so that I didn't turn out psychotic, but not enough to squelch the desire for maternal touch as an adult.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Touch needs (non sexual) also seem to be very individually based. I think that I have fewer than the average person, and there were at least a few years where I was very happy only being touched by my cats and dog. I see it in my 11 year old, compared to his friends-- he still wants to hold my hand (even in public), and he's very cuddly and huggy. Sometimes I feel touched out by him even now. My H also asks me for hugs and initiates touching much more than I do. There are times when one of my friends reaches out for a hug and I kind of have to remind myself that it's rude to pull back or flinch. I have to make an effort to hug enthusiastically, but I think many times I'd just as soon not be touched. Sometimes clients or the other lawyers I work with fling themselves into my arms or make it part of the routine to hug hello and goodbye, and I'm okay with that. I feel cautious about not wanting to reject physically the emotional connection I do feel, and I'm much more open and spontaneous about emotional connection than I am physical connection.

And that's the kicker...I'm not really very touchy-feely by nature. I have only desired it from the five people mentioned earlier in the thread. Otherwise, I am rather standoffish; and I am quite all right with that. My H also is not a touchy-feely person. However, my ex-GF will touch anybody and everybody casually. I have to make an effort not to flinch also. Our administrative assistant at work is very touchy-feely. Sometimes I'll be standing in the doorway to someone's office and she'll come up and literally hang on me. I have to think, "Don't stiffen up. Don't stiffen up. She'll feel it. Don't stiffen up." And this is someone I rather like and am comfortable with as a person. Everyone is different...and that makes the world go 'round!