[paperdoll]

I want to find out what is wrong with me. My husband and I separated about 10 months ago. In the beginning it was so beautiful. I was not looking for a relationship, I was content with my life the way it was, but I feel so deeply in love, I thought he loved me too. It seemed he did. Then about one year into the marriage he began accusing me of cheating, I never cheated on him, I was in love with him, I wanted no one else. It got worse and worse. He began calling me a *****, slut, %#@&#!, all these really bad things, I was crushed, this is the man I married and fell so in love with, and thought he loved me too. At first I just thought he was overly jealous, but then it got worse.
We separated a few times and each time he would accuse me of the worse things. Like one time he said he saw me in a motel room having sex with 7 different guys. This is an absolute lie. Another time he said I had sex with my brother and he saw me, again, a lie, sick lie.
He takes my strongest virtue, loyalty and smashes it. It got worse and worse. Then I began thinking that maybe he had big mental problems. I looked on the internet and the closest thing I found was something called delusional jealousy, the description fit him in every way. Of course he does not think he has mental problems. If that is true, then he is just a cruel, horrible person who was out to destroy me. I don't know what he is?
He does not want to make the marriage work, yet he calls me now and then giving me hope. The sickest part is, I am still so in love with him, knowing he might be just a really bad person. If he is sick, I would stand by him thought the whole thing, but I don't know what he is. And for me to love him scares me as to who and what I have become.
I feel ugly, and I am not ugly, but I feel that way all the time, my self esteem is 0 and I might be suicidal. Recently he sent me a text message which said this "You don't know me, but I know everything about you. You will never know the answers. I win."
I use to be so confident and self assured, now I am just wasting time living it seems, i cannot work, I am scared of not being good enough anymore. I am just hollow. I have lost my character.
Can anyone give me some input.
thanks.

someone in the relationships message boards might be able to help you.

Welcome and hang in there.

[kimmydawn]

paperdoll,

Hi and welcome!

I'm so sorry to read what you've been going through, and still seem to be going through.

You can't control his actions or thoughts, but remember that THEY'RE WRONG.

Please take this time away from him to seek therapy and some understanding of his actions and your responses to work on gaining a clearer perspective and some self-esteem.

Mental/emotional abuse can be the most damaging and I'm sorry you've suffered it and that you still are. You're not alone.

We're here, but please reach out for help close to you as well...women's support, therapy, etc.

It sounds as though you've become deeply depressed if you think you might be suicidal. Please reach out for help close to you. In the meantime, know we're here and we care.

Again, I'm glad you're here.

KD

that sounds hard. I would say this though. I know you want to hang on to the relationship, but you have to also think about your future -- create a future where you will be loved, adored, and esteemed. It doesnt seem like he can provide that. I hope you can start taking steps toward caring for yourself even in the midst of your break up.

[jacq10]

((((paperdoll))))

I'm sorry that your husband has deeply hurt you this bad. But like Kimmydawn said, it is wrong what he is doing. It is wrong that he is making you feel so bad, especially if you have done nothing to deserve this. I know that right now you feel lonely, and you long for the relationship that you had before .. but i think that the best thing for you now, is the distance. Try not to put yourself in the position that gives him that "power" over you, allowing him to hurt you. Seek some time to yourself and try and heal the wounds, rather then expose yourself to them.

By the way, welcome to pc! You really have come to the right place for a support network.

Take care of yourself
Jacqueline

[Rapunzel]

It sounds like it's more what's wrong with him than what's wrong with you. Counseling would still help you to recover your self-esteem and get over the damages that you have suffered. Then you will be in a better position to know what you want to do from there.

[paperdoll]

I can't believe how much all of your words of encouragement has made me feel so much better. I have no living family, and my husband pretty much alienated my friends.

He did not want me to work, so I quit my job, (I was a sucessful web designer / graphic artist. It has been 4 years since I worked. I have been married 4 years. I really need to get back to working, not just for financial reasons (I have come close to being homeless during all this) but I was good at what I did, and I miss the rewarding feeling of doing what I loved doing.

I need to muster up the courage as I have lost so much self esteem. My husband last year took all my cloths and piled them up and poured battery acid on them.

I can get work cloths if I really tried, there are places here in Vegas that donate work cloths for women. I just get so scared applying for any job. Before I got married the friends I had use to call me an "alpha female" because I was just so confident and sure of who I was.

I can only imagine what they witnessed as I was taken down.

I basically have shut myself in a room I rented with my dog. I have been able to get by from a few painting I sold. (I am an artist too)

I could not afford professional help at this time because I just get by as it is. But I know I need it. I just cannot wrap my brain around what I have allowed myself to become. The betrayal and crulety was just too over whelming. 4 years ago if you had said this is what would become of me, I would have shook my head and thought you were crazy.

It can happen to anyone, and maybe this is something important for me to have experienced. No matter how strong, or confident a person is, something that is close enough to the persons heart can destroy them if no help or self realization comes along.

The good news is, I have turned off my phone. He is in Virginia and I in Vegas, he cannot confuse and put that power on me now.

I have lost so much of my faith in God also, the strength of my belief system is so low I stopped praying.

I think I will get though this, I just need to find myself again.

Thank you for caring and showing concern, tears are falling down my face as I write this at this moment because I am so touched by your beautiful spirits.

Thank you again,
Jeani

[Rapunzel]

Jeani, I wonder if there might be ways for you to get some help getting started, and services including counseling. There are low-fee or free mental health services, and also I am pretty sure that UNLV has a community clinic (the counselors would be students, but they are supervised and trained before they get to work with clients). If you qualify for medicaid you would be able to get free services from a community mental health center.

You could also check with churches and see if they can help with some things, like clothes and whatever othe basic needs you have. I agree that getting back to work will be good for you, and you will be up and running again soon.

[paperdoll]

Hi, I am not sure what is available. I will look around today in the phone book. I would like to know why I miss him? Why I miss someone that emotionally abuses me. Is there a name for that? I don't think I want the man he is now, just the one he was when I married him, if he even ever existed or was only acting. I wonder if there is some kind of treatment that can help me to understand.

[Rapunzel]

There is a name for that. The Stockholm Effect (or Syndrome).

http://www.swaraj.org/shikshantar/unlearning_pat.htm

http://www.mental-health-matters.com....php?artID=469

I can't write much now, but you might find some explanations in those articles, or try searching for those terms.

TC,
Rap

[paperdoll]

Hi, I did hours of reading today and I was able to zero in on something that was so close to my husbands behavior that I could not believe it. It is called NARCISSISM , I even listened to a radio show where a man with narcissism had an open forum with victims of narcissism, unbelieveable!
I mean it sounded like me.

Narcissism, as far as I educated myself on the subject seems to be something very hard to cure or treat.

WOW, and thanks Rapunzel, it all started with your links. Many of the victims of narcissism have the The Stockholm Effect. Narcissism and the Stockholm effect victim go hand in hand it seems.

[paperdoll]

Rapunzel, I followed the links you left me and I ended up for hours reading about narcissism. My husband could have been the model for the systoms for narcissism. It was like it was written for him.

And what also got my attention is that the Stockholm Effect can be found in most the victims of Narcissism, probably more than anywhere I looked. It seems the narcissistic spouse sets the whole scene for the stockholm effect.

The sad side is that the narcissistic mate rarely changes. They do not recognize that they have a disorder, and there are no current really effective treatments. Most advise the victim to leave the spouse. They do not care enough about any one but themselves to change.

[Rapunzel]

I am glad that you found something that helps you. Sorry it isn't more positive, but that is what I understand about narcissism. That trait doesn't lead to people who have it recognizing that they could have any need to change, or that there is anything wrong with the way they are. Inside, they tend to be insecure and have a need to put others down in order to make themselves feel bigger and more important. But they aren't about to admit any of that insecurity, even to themselves. They are not likely to attend therapy unless mandated.

The good news, though, is that you can recover from the Stockholm effect, and it sounds like you are well on your way. You are recognizing what happened and how it affected you, and you are seeking help.