Triggered by T on FB and it's my fault

I'm sorry you're distressed, Rainbow.

I think what you would want to do is take care of the child's needs with your adult parts. Maybe it's more about tuning into the child part, hearing her, and then meeting her needs so she doesn't feel it necessary to act out. I hope you can be compassionate with yourself, Rainbow.

Take care.

Rainbow, we aren't telling you to stifle your feelings or hide information from your T. What we are saying is that if you get stuck on the little details of this situation and get hyperfocused on this truly old stuff that you have hashed and rehashed with your T a million times, you aren't applying the skills you have learned from her and from DBT at all. You'll probably get stuck.

My T refers to this as actually practicing what I have learned constantly and consistently in my everyday life, no matter how small the practice moment is. It is through application that the real growth and autonomy is made.

There have been times I've had speed bumps come up along the way. We all do. If I get focused on that speed bump and see it as insurmountable, I won't get over the bump and move forward. I'll stay stuck looking at it and not even see the road that lies ahead. I will forget that if I just hit the gas pedal, I have the ability to make that movement completely on my own.

This FB thing is a speed bump, not a mountain. You do have the skills to look at it, look beyond it, and keep moving. Use all those skills you've previously learned in DBT and therapy. You don't have to get stuck here, but I'm afraid you kind of like looking at the speed bump. Yes, it's painted yellow, has a curvy top, and is a few inches higher than the rest of the road. Great. Look at it, hit the gas pedal, and keep on moving. Don't get mesmerized by it.

You are looking at being without your T in a few months which is one of the reasons it is time to test these skills out for yourself. You aren't helpless here to manage this on your own, particularly since this isn't really a huge deal. It isn't like you took your sleeping bag to her house and slept on her front lawn. That would be a mountain. Perspective is good here.

So you can talk about how you can manage those day-to-day issues that come up. How they make you feel and what skills you can use to work through them. Maybe the FB thing will come up, maybe it won't. But you don't have to make the details of that the focus of your discussion of your therapist. You can look at the bigger picture here.

I agree with you ALSO, hankster. It's just that it IS true that talking about it with my T does escalate my feelings for her. What the others were saying makes sense to me, but at the same time I don't want to hide anything from my T. I don't know what I will say today. It's up to me, not to anyone on this forum. If I try not to tell her this week, and it bothers me, I can tell her next week or in an email. I can TRY a dfferent way, at least. I always appreciate what you have to say. It's the nature of this kind of forum to get differing opinions and not have others agree with us. I find that hard to cope with, as you probably know!

What do you mean that my T needs supervision? I don't think it's a simple transference. What do you think she should do, or have done? I'm really interested. I think she's doing a good job; it's me who is messing up just like I do with every other T.

I don't think anyone is advocating stifling feelings or hiding the truth (though Rain's reply seems to see it that way?). But the issue, at least as I see it, is about creating and indulging feelings for dysfunctional purposes. It's a distraction from the underlying issues, not an exploration of them. I think it would be better to address this tendency in a forthright way, but I don't think that's going to happen.

What is a forthright way to address it? T knows my pattern, and how I want love and to be loved, etc. We talk about my H and my kids. I have friends, etc. I'm reaching out; I just asked a couple over for dinner this week-end. I'm trying to focus on RL and not my T. I told my H in an "I" message what I would like regarding him and me. Yes, I have to ask what HE wants from me. It seems he just wants me to stop complaining about the mess in the house and stop making him try to change his schedule. I did ask him last night. I have to radically accept the way I feel about T. I have to radically accept my H. Maybe I have to go to sleep at 4 am. too. I don't know. I appreciate your feedback--very much, as I do everyone's.

It has sounded to me that the ways in which this inappropriate focus on your T is addressed in therapy replicates/indulges your feelings, rather than leads to insight about them. You seem to get a lot of gratification from the SE around these issues, but it doesn't seem that it reduces the feelings, and perhaps, it increases them. I wonder if your T is aware of how you experience SE? It seems at odds with what I understand of radical acceptance. It seems like you work to radically accept the fact that you are not part of your T's life, but not to give up the experiencing of those feelings about her. It seems like the SE, in that context, helps those feelings persist.

I have to think about that, fk. Lately SE is about relaxing, and about feeling good and holding onto those feelings. Maybe you're thinking about the past when there was touching involved? I have to go. Thanks for answering me!

I'm going to post about my session in a new thread. Thanks again for your support and suggestions.

What is SE?

Somatic Experiencing

It's a kind of therapy my T uses, based on Peter Levine's book called "Waking the Tiger". Animals in the wild get over trauma quickly by certain movements. It's based on how our bodies react to our feelings. You can probably google it for a better explanation. My T is always asking me "where do you feel that in your body", making me aware of physical sensations instead of keeping everything in my brain.

I want to write something especially to scorpiosis, feralkittymom, mykidsarecool, 1914Sierra, and elliemay.

I don't want you to think I didn't take into consideration and value your advice. I did! Very much so. You each made valid points and I disagree with my T that only professionals should give advice.

I think that I did talk about what's underneath my looking her up again, rather than focusing on the doing it and escalating my behavior. T normalized it, which in itself helps me not obsess about doing it. She even joked "So, did you find out anything about me that I don't know about myself?!" We talked about how I can get those things that I like about her life, into my life. It was focused on me, not her.

Reading your posts before my session helped me see what the focus should be. I also took into consideration the consequences of not telling my T. Hankster, I appreciate what you posted. I appreciate all of my hugs and replies in both threads.

I AM seeing this as a minor bump in the road, and I am driving on. It's not so smooth, but T and I know I'm going in the right direction and I will get to my destination eventually.

Rainbow, you've got me thinking about my own relationship with my T. I wonder what I would do if I could access her FB page.

I do not have the same kind of relationship with my T as you do with yours. I am able to go weeks without seeing her now and I do o.k.

But, if more info were available about her on the web, I'm not sure I would have the willpower to stay away.

I am very accustomed to researching anything and everything and gathering info is very normal for me.

I do understand that your situation is different in that it's more an obsession possibly and that is damaging to you. But, I'm not sure that accessing any information that is available is all that bad. It's not like you break into her house or do devious things to learn more about her.

I like what some have said about possibly not taking your actions so to heart. I imagine that if I felt guilty about googling (I don't feel guilty) my T, that guilt would ramp up every time I did it and it would become a bigger issue than it really is.

idk - just some thoughts...