[rainbow8]

Do you want to be like your T? Do some of the things she/he does? Act like she/he does? It's probably part of my pattern, but I'm wondering if I'm the only one who wants to "copy" their T.

I know her suggestions are to help me, but I'm doing even more to be like her. It's because I don't have enough self-confidence. I feel like I'm competing with her. I'm doing more with my art and photos because she suggested I do it, but also because I want to be like her. I want to go swimming, not only because I like it, but because T does.

When I got jealous of people on FB commenting on T's photo, I decided to put one of my paintings on MY FB page so I'm starting to get responses, just like T! She recommended a book; I already called the library to reserve it.

She suggested my taking an art course, so I'm going nuts trying to find one for myself. It's hard; they're all expensive.

These are positive steps, doing what I want to do, but I'm noticing I'm trying to be like T. She's a role model for me. I want to be happy and confident like she is. I also want to be thinner and I've lost 5 lbs. so far. Like I said, these are positive steps, but I feel a little "driven". It could also be that I feel like time is running out. Life is not a dress rehearsal-- you know that phrase. I don't know if I'm in Act 3 or 4, but I'm sure not in Act 1 or 2 anymore!

So, my basic question is: does anyone feel like I do, and want to do the things their T does. and/or have the personality that their T has?

[stopdog]

I do not.

But I do think it sounds good to be making positive changes in your life.

[Asiablue]

My old T, i really admired, thought she was pretty and elegant and i wanted to be like her in a very loose sense... i wanted to possess some of her qualities but with the uniqueness of me. This T i have now i don't know well enough to say right now.

But i have a sense of wanting to be me but better if that makes sense?

I don't know if this is about self-confidence Rainbow or you trying to merge with her. All those things you are doing are only positive if you're doing it for you, to nurture your own qualities, to be more you. If you are doing them to be some sort of cardboard cut-out of your therapist then i think there's a problem.

No, I'd have to take up riding 30 miles on a bicycle, hunting, hiking, fly fishing, judo -- pretty much everything I am not.

Be sure you are really doing these things for you and not for some fantasy of being one with your T. That's my only concern. If you are really doing these things for yourself, that's great.

[Wren_]

I don't ... I want to be a better healthier version of me
sometimes my T might mention things that I'm also interested in; and my ex-T encouraged me to read a few books he liked for example but the motivation was never about being more like him

it's great you are making positive changes Rain; but is there a way you could do them as a way to further develop Rain (who may share interests with her T) rather than trying to be like your T? for example, enjoying the swimming and doing that because it is your own interest rather than because your T does it

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

My old T, i really admired, thought she was pretty and elegant and i wanted to be like her in a very loose sense... i wanted to possess some of her qualities but with the uniqueness of me. This T i have now i don't know well enough to say right now.

But i have a sense of wanting to be me but better if that makes sense?

I don't know if this is about self-confidence Rainbow or you trying to merge with her. All those things you are doing are only positive if you're doing it for you, to nurture your own qualities, to be more you. If you are doing them to be some sort of cardboard cut-out of your therapist then i think there's a problem.

That's what I'm wondering about, Asiablue. I think it's both. I don't exactly want to merge with her, but I want to be close to her. It happens to be that T and I share some of the same interests, but she has pursued them more than I have. I want to be more like her, but still be myself--I think what you posted fits and does make sense: I want to be a better me. I want to have the quality of life that I think T has (of course I don't know everything about her life). So I think it's mostly for me. I wouldn't dress like her even though I like some of her clothes. I won't be a vegetarian (not sure she is one, but maybe) just because she may be one.

[BlessedRhiannon]

In some ways, yes, I'd like to be more like my T. She has several qualities that I admire and they are things that I wish I was stronger in. Mostly they are healthy behaviors that I want to develop.

But, other things...no. We're different people, with different personalities. I don't have any desire to be "just like her." I'm trying to figure out who I am and emulating her would not be being true to myself.

[growlycat]

I think I'd like to steal a few traits from both t's, without losing myself.

Main T-- his ability to transform himself physically, his openness with people, his warmth, his intelligence, his kindness, his calm demeanor---all great things to have

CBT T-- I need a bit of his swagger, confidence, and he just seems to be a happy, uncomplicated guy (but I like being a girl!)

Things I don't want---

Main T-- moodiness/sulkiness, moral superiority, refusal to see anyone as "bad" (i've met enough people to know bad when I see it!)

CBT T- he can be verbally clumsy--I don't think he's stupid by any means, just not as sharp as main T. He can seem shallow/insincere but that may just be me. His laugh is a bit horsey and he can be loud. I'd rather have main T's finesse.

[Wren_]

I think I'd like to steal a few traits from both t's, without losing myself.

I like that idea of having some of the best of their traits or further developing them without losing yourself

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I don't ... I want to be a better healthier version of me
sometimes my T might mention things that I'm also interested in; and my ex-T encouraged me to read a few books he liked for example but the motivation was never about being more like him

it's great you are making positive changes Rain; but is there a way you could do them as a way to further develop Rain (who may share interests with her T) rather than trying to be like your T? for example, enjoying the swimming and doing that because it is your own interest rather than because your T does it

There's always something "off" about me because of my "pattern". I already enjoyed swimming before I knew my T swims. I think she does it for exercise while I do it for fun. I don't want to be an exercise freak like she is. No offense to those who work out extensively; it's great, but not for me. However, I can't "turn off" the switch that wants to be like T. Maybe it's the child stage of "wanting to be like Mommy". Hankster, come and help me here, please! I feel right now like it's a younger part of me who is seeing T as a kind of celebrity/role model. At least I'm doing things that I wanted to do anyway. That's got to be a good thing. I'll talk to her about this feeling of wanting to be like her, probably.

I was hoping I'm not the only one who does this.

[yoyoism]

No, I admire her a lot, but I don't want to be like her. Well.. I don't want to have exactly the same interests. I can't force myself to go to musicals and dress more mature. But I guess I would like to be as "together" as she is. And know what to do in life and know what I want.

[Asiablue]

The important thing is if it is a stage that you move thru it. Just like any stage in life it's not good to stay in the same place. Emulating your T isn't a bad thing, there's worse role models out there. Maybe doing the things she does helps you feel connected to her outside of sessions. It sounds like you're not really doing anything that you weren't interested in before, that you're just developing those interests with the added benefit that it make you feel connected to her.

My T has always modeled an exuberance for his interests, activities, hobbies. He has always modeled nurturing one's passions. We don't AT ALL share the same passions, but I think his modeling gave me the confidence to pursue MY passions again that I had set aside for many years.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

My T has always modeled an exuberance for his interests, activities, hobbies. He has always modeled nurturing one's passions. We don't AT ALL share the same passions, but I think his modeling gave me the confidence to pursue MY passions again that I had set aside for many years.

I have some of the same passions as my T, so it's a little different. She paints and takes photographs, and she encouraged me to pursue my interest and abilities in these pursuits.

[feralkittymom]

No. There are aspects of his way of thinking that I have internalized, but we don't share any interests, and I suspect we are more different than alike in our political views.

But that we are so different is also part of what I like about him, and what I believe he enjoys about me.

[rainbow8]

One passion I have that my T doesn't have at all, and that's writing! She encourages me to write, but I know she isn't interested in that hobby, and that's fine with me.

[Leah123]

Interesting question. I do not wish to be like my T in general. I like her very much, feel connected to her, and appreciate her wisdom, experience, and caring. We have some things in common like a love of music, writing, etc. And on hard days when being a busy mother is driving me crazy, I have moments of envy for her quiet single life. Still, I just want to be like me, as much as possible, as fully as possible.

[A Red Panda]

No, no definitely not. Thinking about being more like my T actually makes me crack up laughing. I'm friends with one of his old coworkers and she's told me a (little) bit about him - all harmless stuff that I'm sure he'd share with me too and nothing that has anything to do with him that's either very personal or too professional. But she let me know a prank he pulled on her last year - and while it's funny in hindsight.. he was a TOTAL knob about it and if I had been my friend I would have slaughtered him!

Plus, he was a football player. No, no thank you. hahahaha!

Oddly enough the more I get to know my T the more I find we have in common, we both ride bikes, play musical instruments, grew up on farms, etc.

One of his things is mindfulness. I just can't do that.

[unaluna]

Ack! I wasn't answering because how embarrassing is it to admit you want to be like your old man shrink?? When I first started seeing him, he said he was interested in Sweden, and I was like, still? We ALL wanted to be Swedish in the '60's. He was like, gee I don't remember that. And he kept insisting - in that way that ts do sometimes that is so annoying - that I was just saying I had been interested in Sweden because I wanted to be like him. I still say he is wrong, but apparently it IS a thing, to want to be like your t.

I used to have fantasies of being my t's discovery partner - this t and previous ts - helping them with research, being their magic patient, but not anymore. I don't really know when that changed. I do feel like he recognizes my abilities more. My FOO really did not. My mother says, what do you mean, I brag about you all the time, I told people you made $100,000 a year. Problem was, I NEVER did! Not even close!! I did okay for a girl with a bachelor's degree, I'm not complaining. But it's not bragging if you're totally lying. That just made me feel like crap. Like I didnt even exist. Like her real ideal daughter would have done better than I did. Yeah, whatever. So I have had to pay strangers to tell me I'm okay. It's ridiculous, but it's what it is. Good thing she raised me to be easily fooled. Witch. I'd rather be like anybody else.

ETA - actually I think my t and I are a lot alike.

[rainbow8]

I'm not judging myself, just noticing I'm different from those who have posted so far. I have more to work on, and wondering how to get it all done by March. How to change? It's hard....

I want to be like hankster's T. (Just kidding )

Seriously, no, that has never struck me. I know almost nothing about his interests or passions or anything else about his private life, so it's not really applicable in any case. We share some favourite authors, but that doesn't change my liking for those books. I admire his patience, but I admire patience in general, so that's not because it's T, specifically. There are many people in my life I would like to be more like, but T is not one of them - I simply don't know what he is like when he's not wearing the T persona, so I can't want that.

[skysblue]

I have very little knowledge of what my T does in her spare time. I don't know her interests or passions. And, even if I did, I cannot make myself be whom I am not.

Where I DO want to be like T is how she models a mindfulness approach to life. THAT, I hope to achieve.

[scorpiosis37]

When I read the title of the thread, my first reaction was "God no!" I definitely like and respect my T, but I do not want to be like her. I strongly prefer being who I am. I'm 20 years younger than my T, have a different profession,, a different sense of style, vastly different interests, and polar opposite taste in partners. As much as I like my T, I would not want her life! Sure, there is some overlap between us-- but we are more different than we are aimilar. I also enjoy having a strong sense of self. I like who I am and the life I've built, and I don't feel any desire to "be like" anyone else. If anything, maybe T can take some tips from me? ;-)

I use too. I'd read books I'd seen on T's shelves.
Than as I grew I realised I didn't like what I was reading. That in the end we will come into conflict with our own self when we try to be someone else. So I gave up the battle and follow my own gut.