Should I share?

So I got upset with my T today. I was talking about past abuse by showing her this drawing I did and she got this deeply sad look on her face. I made a comment that she seemed upset and asked if she wanted to save me in the image. She said something like "well I didn't know you at the time and I've really only heard your side of the story so I don't really know what happened". I felt so deeply invalidated that I forgot to ask her to clarify what she meant. I felt like she doesn't believe me that what I said happened is real.

So I wrote her a letter tonight to cope with my feelings of invalidation. In this letter, I get really REALLY angry with her to the point where I actually threaten to physically harm her if she doesn't tell me if she believes me and instead focuses on why I need her to believe me. After writing this empty threat, I quickly realized that I was displacing a TON of pent anger from being ignored throughout my childhood on her. I state this in the letter and say I'd never ever hurt her.

So my question is should I share this letter with her? I think it would probably be good to talk about my feelings and experiences relating to this, but I don't want to scare her or think that I'm dangerous. I'd never EVER hurt anyone, especially not her and I didn't even know I had that amount of aggression locked up inside to even say that I would.

I think it could be a good thing to discuss. I would suggest that maybe you take the letter with you but have a discussion first about it's content and that you wouldn't ever hurt anyone. That way the letter is there if she wants to read it and thinks it will help but she can also understand the context.

I'm sorry she chose those words you have to ask her to explain that to you because IMO that is very triggering to me. The fact that she was not there and only knows your side of the story is irrelevant in your therapy.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free

Hi growlithing-

I agree with mazing and sweepy62. I do think that you should share your feelings and what you wrote with your therapist-and to express at the start what you said here, just to be on the safe side, that you would of course never hurt her. But, yes, I think you should share it all because of how you felt about what your therapist said and how it triggered aspects of what happened in your past. I would also like to say that I feel for you-I would have been deeply wounded by what your therapist said as well. I have had similar things said to me in therapy and it was extremely triggering.

Also-just my opinion but- the first thing I thought of when I read your post was that your therapist responded out of her own discomfort for what she was feeling. I think that she was feeling a wish to save you in that image and maybe the feeling was so powerful that it scared her. Just a thought. Of course, it is not up to you to figure out what the therapist is thinking and feeling and I don't know if it would be helpful to you if that was the motivation for her hurtful comment. I just think that you might have accurately said out loud what she was feeling in that moment. Either way-I am sorry that she said that because, regardless of the motivation, her words were invalidating and that is the last thing you needed. I wish you well and hope that that something helpful to you can come of this.

I really do understand your feeling invalidated by her response, and how much that hurts. Lashing out in anger is exactly what a hurt young child would do, so feeling that makes sense. Of course, you know you would never act out that way in reality, so it is a good thing to share.

But I am curious about your response: after seeing she appeared sad or concerned viewing your drawing, you asked her if she wanted to save you. That's a rather manipulative thing to ask. It's a variation of the asking if she cares about you. It was a test. And she really had no way to respond that would be healthy for you. If she had said, "Yes, I feel like I want to save you" then she is feeding a transference in a way that is overwhelming and unhelpful, and engaging in a power play with you (remember she said she wouldn't play that game). If she responded as she did, you feel invalidated. Testing never works out well, in therapy or life; it alienates people and leaves you stuck. The more honest you are with her, the more honest she can be with you.

I would not share that letter with her. I think it imprudent to have threats of violence associated with you in writing.

I think it is good to discuss all of your feelings with her, including the fact that you would never hurt her.

I am very sorry that she made that invalidating comment, and for the profound hurt it caused.

That anger is worth thinking and talking about. It is understandable that you have it, and understanding it better will help you come to terms with what happened when you were growing up.

Therapists are often in situations where it seems that there are two (or a few) possible answers and all have antitherapeutic drawbacks. Rather than give an antitherapeutic answer, the therapist can make a process comment. For example, the T could have said something along the lines of It matters deeply to you what I think of you; I feel a little like I am being put on the spot; I am touched that you noticed the depth of my feelings; etc.

I don't think that the question was manipulative. I see it as a genuine expression of the feelings that growlithing experiences, feelings that the T must be able to address therapeutically.

A process comment would have been appropriate, but not being in the moment, I can't say why she didn't do that.

Growli, I do think your feelings are genuine. I was observing your behavior and trying to imagine, given the pattern, how your T heard your question. I don't believe her intent was for you to think she doesn't believe you.

Just wanted to agree, I would feel completely invalidated too. She isn't there to make any judgments on what did or did not happen. It is her job to believe what YOU say happened and help you process how it affected you.

(((((((((( Growlithing )))))))))))) Wow I'd be really furious if a T (or anyone for that matter!) said something like that to me. It's such a hurtful insensitive undermining thing to say, and I totally sympathize with how it left you feeling .

I have to say that I'd also recognize profound hurt underneath the anger, and that's maybe the issue you want to try and get to. Eventually. In the meantime I'm a big advocate for bringing anger, in any way shape or form, into therapy. If there is hurt under that rage, especially if it taps into a well of prior hurts, then maybe the only way to get to it is via the anger, the 'presenting' feeling. If you try and stuff the anger and be all adult and rational about it, then the hidden hurt feelings are likely to be squashed along with it. So I'd bring in exactly how you feel and not worry about dressing it up or down or being mature and adult about it.

I am inclined to agree with Bill3 here about not having anything about violence or physical threats in writing (not that I think feeling that way is unacceptable or anything) but Ts are after all professionals in positions of relative authority and power and something like that could get used against you at some point further down the line. I agree with what other posters have said about talking it all out though, this is a major thing in my eyes and it's obviously knocked you for six. I don't think you could not talk about it?

Again I agree with Bill3 that your T had a range of responses she could have made, so the reason she made the one she did is well worth looking into. It's possible you caught her on the hop emotionally with what I think is a very astute question (about wanting to save you) and so she just came out with a bog standard psych 101 type response as a kind of defensive reflex.

When do you next see her? Can you wait until the session to talk about this? I see no reason why you shouldn't send her something in writing in the meantime though.

((((((((((Growlithing ))))))))))))

LL

I wouldn't share anything about physically harming her in a letter or otherwise. I think that could be taken the wrong way and used against you.

I certainly didn't mean for the question to be manipulative. I didn't give it too much thought and that's just what I said. I could believe that maybe the question threw her off guard because the image clearly did make her feel something.

I didn't mean a letter in the sense that I'd rip it out and send it to her. She'd read it out of my own little book and give it back.

Sometimes we read too much into something, that´s just not there.

I think that is how your T responded, growlithing. She was not saying she did not believe you, did not feel you felt what you felt but children get adult situations, motives, and actions very very wrong a lot of the time because they have no experience. Your experience is always yours, no one else can take that from you. But how you interpret your experience, you can sometimes change so it does not hurt so darn much.

You wrote how you would hurt your T and yet you say you would not hurt your T/would not ever hurt anyone. It is like that. What is going on/what went on, is different for each person and each person gets their say. If you interpret a situation with anger, that skews your point of view, anyone's point of view in that way. If you are an all-trusting child, a parent's or adults betrayal seems that much worse.

I'd talk about it.

I do think it was rather manipulative of you (even if done unconsciously) to ask your T if she wanted to save you. She's told you already that she won't play that game with you, but she's also already told you that she does care about you. Anyone who cares wishes that the person they care about hadn't gone through horrible things - but there really is nothing that they can do about it except to try to help you in the moment. Which is exactly a T's job.

What she was was rather insensitive, but unfortunately she probably didn't have the time to really think through what she would say because if she simply said yes or no then you would have also had a huge reaction. It sounds like she was trying to explain why she wouldn't have been thinking about wanting to save you - because it was in the past and she can't change the past.

Well, I didn't say anything super specific. I said (TRIGGER WARNING) "if you avoid answering my question 'do you believe me' by focusing solely on my saying I don't trust myself enough to make my own judgements, I swear to ******* god I'll beat your ******* *** so hard your hair will be dyed a more vibrant shade of red". I then in writing immediately retracted it in the next sentence by saying I need to calm down and that I redirected a lot of anger on her and that I'd never ever hurt anyone.

It's unfortunate that we are around each other so much. I say that because I can admit that it is unfortunate even though I actually really like it because it feeds the maternal transference. If you recall, I am seeing her in a residential treatment setting at the moment. She's already knocked on my door this morning and it's not even 8:30. She wanted to talk to me about a conversation I had with another one of her clients because last night, I was talking to this other client and she admitted to me that she hasn't eaten in a few days. I immediately reported this to the therapist that was still at the program, she called my T, and my T came to work early to ask me what I had heard from this other client and to handle the situation. So basically, I see her a LOT. I told her that we need to talk about this at some point during the day (after she gets my friend to start eating or comes up with a plan) so I just need to decide how much I will share of what I wrote if at all.

I shouldn't have said that. It was manipulative even though it was unintentionally. I should have instead said "I wish you were there to save me" or "I wish someone were there to save me" because that's what I was feeling. But I didn't say that and I think I just need to talk this out with her to correct the situation.

The conversation will go fine growli - I'm sure your T has thought about it too, because it seems like a question that threw her for a loop.

((That was very responsible of you to report the other patient's not-eating btw. It might not be taking care of you, but it DOES show that you're starting to become more responsible!))

I have a much easier time taking care of other people than myself and that doesn't really indicate that I'm starting to become more responsible because there was never a point in time when I wouldn't jump on that, especially when my T asked me to keep an eye out for her. That sounds weird, but this client has been totally transparent in groups so I know her situation. She was crying all day long and my T had to leave early after she looked through some of my writing from the weekend. I have a tendency to isolate myself and she said that I should talk to this client because I'm "very good at talking to people", I need to not isolate myself, and she thinks this person just really needs someone to talk to. She said she trusts me to know what to say to help without making the situation worse. I did as T was hoping I would, we had a lovely chat after I convinced her to talk, and she ended up disclosing to me something that I perceived to be quite harmful. I convinced her to drink one of my whey protein shakes (because she said she is feeling too emotionally sick to keep down solid food and I figured 30grams of protein would be the best thing for her after not eating for so long) and I went and got help. I've strayed off topic with this story. But it's much easier for me to take care of others than myself.

I'll talk to T about my issue later. I told her I need to talk to her, but to handle this other situation first because it is more pressing and I need to sort out my thoughts. I don't know if I'll show her the real letter. I've said violent things before, but they were directed at my parents in the context that I could never do those things and they weren't in writing. She said she wasn't worried about me actually doing what I said to my parents and I don't know if turning it around on her makes it more worrisome or not.

My thinking is that it is imprudent to put something violent out there in writing. What if she says "I have to keep this letter and put it in your file"? Maybe that wouldn't be a problem, but it's just that I am not seeing a reason to take the risk. Instead, you can tell her about the anger you felt. Jmho.

I should have instead said "I wish you were there to save me" or "I wish someone were there to save me" because that's what I was feeling. But I didn't say that and I think I just need to talk this out with her to correct the situation.

I think this would be a great way into the conversation. It's been my experience that when we reveal our thinking and feeling, wishes and fears, Ts find that very productive to work with. When we try to pin them down about what they feel, think, would do in our situations, etc, they resist. It's probably for good reasons because it takes the attention off of us to them, and as important as it feels to us, their emotions and choices really are irrelevant. And maybe she had a reason for not responding in a way that would make that clear, or maybe she just goofed. But that's the great thing about the therapy relationship--we're expected to revisit and examine and do over.

That would have really hurt me as well. I mean really. If my T said something like that I would totally shut down, why bother saying anything else? I'm kind of mad at your T that she said that! I almost want to tell you to fire her, and my gut feeling is you should. I personally need my T to believe me. If they cant believe me because "they weren't there and are only hearing one side of things" then they better bullsh*t really good, because I wouldn't be able to talk about my story to someone that could think so lowly of me.

I would definitely NOT give her the letter. Even though you don't mean to threaten her now, there is just too great a likelihood it will be misinterpreted. She could have you put in a mental hospital with the note as her proof. Also, I'm shady about her in general given that comment she made.

I would talk to her about your anger specifically about the comment she made. If you want to mention the threat I would be vague about it.

lol well I'm already basically in a mental hospital but not for thoughts of harming anyone else.

I told her how I felt. She said she remembers saying that and thought she worded it badly. She apologized and said she definitely believes me and doesn't need my mother's "side of the story" to believe me. She was trying to say that she can wish she could have saved me all she wants (or all I could have wanted her to) but it won't change the fact that she wasn't there and can't go back in time.

I told her I got very angry and she said she'd rather have me violently angry with her than violently angry at myself. She didn't ask to see the letter or take it. I blacked out the threat in advance so I could use the rest of the note without worrying about that part. But she wasn't at all concerned that I'd act violently ever. She was concerned that I was so upset.

The talk ended with me sitting on the top of the staircase, asking her to pat my back as I cried for no easily discernible reason. It was awkward for me to ask for her to do that. I just wanted to feel someone being there physically. She seemed very happy to comply with that request.

Wow Growli, I just saw this thread, read the entire thing, and finally the conclusion of you telling her how you felt, crying, and asking for help.

I just want to say GOOD JOB!!! That much honesty and openness is a wonderful thing imo.

P.S. I was so relieved at how your therapist tried to fix the rupture by accepting your anger, owning up to the miscommunication, and staying calm and present for you. That's what they should do, but as no one's perfect, I was relieved to hear she handled it well.

She said I've been doing a really good job asking for help and being clear about what I want. I guess that is a sign of improvement.

She is very good at handling stuff like that. I don't think I've ever seen her loose composure or fight back.