T gave my session to my friend

I've been seeing my T for 3 1/2 years and have a strong connection with her. About a year ago, a friend of mine was going through a very hard time, she said she knew she needed therapy, but she couldn't seem to find a lesbian therapist. After pondering the issue, I decided to give her my T's number and I told my T that it was okay with me that she see my friend. At the time, my primary concern was getting my friend help, and I knew (from my own search) how difficult it was to find a good LGBT therapist in our area. Back then, it didn't occur to me that this would become a huge issue for me.

For about 6 months, everything was fine. Then, my friend and her gf began relationship counseling and my T referred them to a colleague of hers. So, my friend was going to my T as her individual T and this new T as their couples T. All of a sudden, my friend was singing the praises of CT (couples T), and criticizing my T. In fact, she said she was thinking of making CT her individual T if she broke up with her gf. However, her gf apparently asked first, so she was unable to switch to CT after the break-up. She said she didn't really want to stay with my T, but she was going to stay with her anyway, because she had no one else. Suddenly, she seemed to think everything my T did was terrible, and she started coming up with a laundry list of complaints. The worst part is that I heard all of these things, but I couldn't tell my T. Eventually, I did tell my friend that she could no longer share these things with me, but the damage was already done.

In addition to that, every time my friend does something that bothers me and I ask to talk to her about it and work through it, her excuse is: "Well, T says it's okay. T says I have to think about my needs first, and not think about the way it affects my friends." So, it appears as though I have no grounds for talking about and negotiating the boundaries of the friendship, because she puts T "on her side." I've tried to say "let's leave T out of this, and just talk," but she isn't very open to that. She will also tell me stories that T shared with her, about her own life, where T is relating her experiences to my friend's. That's just something I don't want to hear about. I've told my friend that I don't want to hear these stories, but she will often text them to me anyway. She likes to text me "updates" after her sessions, even though I've already asked her not to. This past week, I made that boundary VERY CLEAR (again) so I think she may respect it from now on but, even so, it feels the damage is already done.

This past week, due to a scheduling snaffu, T ended up asking me to change my session time and she gave my session time to my friend. That created a BIG problem for me. My friend texted me, while driving to our T, asking for my advice on what she should talk about it in session. That's how I found out that T had given her my time. Apparently, the initial issue was that T needed to attend an event at her daughter's school, and she was juggling around several of her appointments for the day-- it wasn't really about my friend. But, obviously, all I heard was my friend telling me that she was on her way to my T, at my time, which I had been asked to give up (it was also the week of my b-day). It triggered me because of my childhood-- I was constantly asked to give up things for my little sister and I never got any of the time, attention, or love that I needed, particularly around my birthday. T knows my whole history, and it has been very healing to have her to tell me that, with her, my time is "mine" and I will never be asked to give that up for someone else. In fact, the topic of conversation the week before was how I felt "unimportant" on my birthdays. T said that she wanted me to know how "important" I was to her. This scheduling issue with my friend just sent me into shut-down mode; it made T feel like she wasn't really on my side and she wasn't really safe.

Even though I recognize that it was just a scheduling problem, it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" on how I feel about my friend also seeing my T. Even though my feelings aren't entirely rational, they're still my feelings. I feel as though I have to "defend" my T from my friend's comments and judgments, and then, when I see T and my friend's name comes up, she'll say something nice about my friend and I'll be thinking, in the back of my mind, "well, I know what she says about you!" It sucks that T is in the dark about this, and I'm in the position of having to "keep the secret." And then it's my friend who got my time with T. I'm the one who defends T, and my friend is the one who got my session. How is that fair? Of course, as a rational adult, I know that life isn't fair. But those are the emotions I have, even though I know better cognitively.

Aside from that issue, it just feels as though T can never be 100% "on my side" as long as she is seeing someone else in my life. It feels as though her loyalty will always be divided. It feels as though, without understanding it, I gave up the right to have a T who is always "on my side" because she doesn't know anyone else in my life, and I get to be her only priority when she sits down with me. It makes me feel as though my T isn't completely safe. It makes me feel like T is "one way" with my friend, and another way with me, and that makes me feel as though she's inauthentic. Of course, the only things I know about how my T is with my friend are from my friend, filtered through her perspective. Still, it feels as though she's talking about this stranger, and that's my T! It makes her feel less familiar and less safe. It makes it harder for me to let my guard down.

I realize that I made a mistake in referring my friend to my T, but I'm the client; I didn't know any better. I didn't understand that it could become such an issue. I think I'm a little upset that my T didn't know better. I've told my T that I think I made a mistake and that I wish I never made the referral (although I didn't go too far into why)-- and T agreed that it was a mistake. She said that she wishes she had not taken on my friend, because she agrees it has become a conflict of interest (at least for me). However, there isn't anything she can do about it now. She's committed to me, and to my friend. My friend does not have a problem with the arrangement, but I do. Is it fair for me to think that my T should have known better? She said she learned her lesson and won't taken on any more friends or spouses of her clients-- but shouldn't she have already known that? This isn't a pastoral, rural, or school counseling situation; she is a therapist in private practice in a big city who does intense, long-term psychotherapy that focuses heavily on the relationship between T and client. Because of the attachment that develops between the T and client, having friends going to the same T just creates a lot of problems.

It doesn't seem as though there is anything I can do about the situation (I've already put up a strong boundary with my friend; NO telling me about her therapy). Other than that, I need to learn how to accept the situation, as I do not want to change Ts. So, since I can't change the situation, how can I change or manage my feelings about it?

Yes, I think it's fair. She should have known better. My T (and several others) has a strict no relatives/friends policy no matter what the client says.
I don't think you're overreacting. Honestly, if my T gave my slot to s.o. else I'd be pissed and would need to talk it over and unless there were some really good reasons behind it I'd terminate. Giving it to my friend who I knew is not in some imminent danger? WTH
I think you still have an option here- you could ask your friend to give up her T. I do remember how hard it was for you to find this T and it'd possibly be that hard for your friend too but still. I'm not saying she should do it but she may and at least you'd make her aware just how hard it is for you to have to deal with sharing your T and it can make her stick to the boundaries you established (good job, BTW)
What I think you should do though, is having a talk about this all (how bad it's making you feel, ask her not to discuss your friend with you, even if its a compliment, and most importantly the session) with your T. Saying you wish you didn't do it and her admitting a mistake is just not enough.

I think your feelings are totally understandable given the very sticky situation. I'm not clear why your T had to cancel your session to give it to your friend, as opposed to canceling the friend's session if the time conflicted with an event she needed to attend--but the echoes of your past experiences is painful, especially coinciding with your b-day.

The only thing I can think is that if your friend isn't so happy with your shared T, and your T agrees that it was a mistake to have taken on your friend as a client, perhaps the relationship between them will be short-lived regardless of anything you do or don't do. Really all you can do is spell out your feelings to your T and get her cooperation in separating the relationships completely. And if your friend doesn't abide by your boundary--somehow I feel like she is going to slip--then you may have to cut her off for awhile.

If I cared enough about my T and my friend, I wouldn´t turn it into an issue/conflict. None of us have our T´s all 100 % to ourselves. In session yes, but your friend is not the only client she is seeing. That doesn´t mean it isn´t authentic or safe. It means it´s her chosen career and she works with building an attachtment ect. with all her clients. Isn´t it okey for your friend to experience this too? For her to critize your T could be part of her issues. If we could change our enviroments, that would be great. Sad part is, we can´t exspect people to walk on eggshells because of our upbringning and triggers. We can gain insight and start by how we react when a situation like this occures. Thats the hard work most of us has to do because thats what we will be facing in IRL to.
If you don´t like your friends behaviour realise that you can´t change her and move on. Although I realise that you´re hurting, I don´t think it´s fair to your friend to talk behind her back in sessions and you are putting your T in an ackward position too. Usually T´s won´t see familymembers, spouses or x-partners like this. Most will take on new clients recommended by friends. Wouldn´t it have been just as unethical to turn down someone who she was told was having a hard time and was looking for a gay T, and her client said it was okey?

I don't know. Your 'friend' sounds a bit poisonous - what exactly do you get out of this relationship? Is she a good, solid friend in other ways? Or more of an acquaintance really?

I'd be inclined to readjust my definition of the relationship with the friend, and come to view her as someone I simply see now and again at work or if we move in the same social circles etc - but not a real friend. But then I have very high standards for my friendships. I tend to have a handful of trusted beloved friends, and the rest of them are people I can have a drink and enjoy a bit of banter with, but I can take them or leave them.

Why aren't you telling your t what your friend says about her? You hold no burden of confidentiality. It's your t's problem, not yours, if she doesnt like it, but I dont think you need to protect her, or keep your friend's confidence. Because why is your friend complaining about t to you in the first place? Perhaps if you were more honest about things, t would be able to see how untenable the situation really is. As it is, you're overmanaging it, imo.

For starters, your T, should have called you back, about the session, as first priority, if that appointment window reopened. Which makes me wonder, why that appointment,,went to your friend. Maybe, that's the suspicious cynic, in me, but what a strange coincidence. It wasn't the last session, of the day, was it? Odd, it was your friend, who got the appointment, over all the other people it could have gone to.
Your friend, talks a lot about therapy sessions. Is that the 'norm', amongst your social circle? Plus, you asked your friend, to stop, and she continued. Barring, this past no(as it's not been enough time, to tell, if she'll actually stop or not.).



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A first step in a strong boundary is to ask your friend to stop. You did that.

She didn't stop.

Boundaries don't enforce themselves.

As others have suggested, a second step pertaining to this boundary is adjust your relationship with this friend.

Talking with T about the cancellation of your birthday week session is fair game and in no way betrays what friend said about T to you.

Yeah, and she just happened to call on her way there?

Guess that makes two of us.

I hope you're using the term "friend" loosely, cos honey she ain't no friend! It doesn't sound like she's all that invested in staying with your T since she was wanting to jump ship to another T anyway so maybe it would be a good suggestion.

The giving away your appointment is a strange one but i wonder if your T started asking clients to cancel, you were one of the first she canceled and then when speaking to your friend she refused to cancel, kicked up a fuss so maybe T gave her the free slot? Or your friend could just be lying to rile you i dunno.

I agree with Asiablue, that's no friend you've got there. I think you should speak to your T about this. She is the professional in all of this and should fix the mess that's been created. It sounds like you were her first client and I wonder why she would give someone else preference over you? If T fails to take charge and let your friend go, then you may want to think of letting go yourself. You should not need to take on the worry of this 3 ring circus.

I agree with everyone else -- this person is a crappy friend. If she won't respect your boundaries, she's not really a friend. And the only real way to teach a person who cannot simply do something for someone she supposedly cares about, is to cut it off. Setting up boundaries isn't very effective if they are never enforced.

I'm also puzzled as to why you think you "can't" talk to T about this. I can see why I'd probably avoid talking to my T about this, were I in the same situation, but it's not because I "can't". More because in the beginning, I would not want to exacerbate the "she said this about you" situation, and then I'd probably just wait way too long before acknowledging how much it bothered me. But in the end, this is a person who is supposed to be a friend who is trampling all over your boundaries. If this isn't fodder for therapy, I don't know what is!!

I completely understand your hurt about your time being given away. That's really crappy and I think T should have seen something like that coming a mile away. In general, she should have seen this issue coming a mile away. Usually if I know someone who needs a T, my T will give me referrals for them -- not see the person himself.

At the risk of sounding blunt ...

This friend IS NOT A FRIEND!

She is playing you and your therapist for a fool.

You need to ditch NOT A FRIEND immediately!

You need to TELL your therapist what's going on!

If your therapist still insists on keeping you both as clients, then I'd find another therapist!

Consider it a lesson learned and NEVER allow anyone to mess with your process EVER again!

I also don't really see the need to keep something secret for your "friend." I think it's perfectly legitimate to talk to your T about the things the your friend and how you feel about it -- this feeling you need to keep it secret, your discomfort and how it affects your feelings for both T and the friend. Definitely giving your appointment to your friend and your friend's gloating about it be contacting you on the way to the appointment is a legitimate topic and one I would definitely bring up.

Yeah, I would talk about this for sure. Also, I agree with others who have questioned this friend.

A friend respects your wishes. Are you even sure she was being truthful when she said she got your appointment?

I see nothing irrational about your upset here, or any reason to minimize your feelings. In fact, you have every right to ask that your friend stop seeing this therapist. If it bothers you, then, in any friendship, this should at least be open for discussion.

I had friends like this in therapy and it took both my therapist and me to put their brakes on their behaviour.

Wow, I would be super mad about T giving an appointment time to a friend. I mean, it would have been bad if you found out that you had to lose your spot to someone else in the first place. I mean, if your T was rescheduling people, why did she take the time away from a a regularly scheduled client?

Wouldn't the people in the time slot where she'd be away need to take the hit? Unless someone was like suicidal of course....

I agree that you need to separate yourself from this friend or enforce stricter boundaries. If you can't be honest with your therapist about your life, then it's sort of pointless to see her. You certainly don't owe your friend any favours.

I would have flipped my lid if my therapist did that. And from this post, your friend sounds manipulative.

What everyone else has said... that friend isn't a friend.

You don't need to keep anything secret from your T - in fact, you should be trusting your T and talking to them about what is bothering you. And understandably, it is bothering you that your friend isn't respecting your boundaries and is in fact using therapy as her excuse. Like... if your friend didn't keep going against your wishes, you wouldn't hear things that upset you about your T. That would solve the feeling of guilt for hearing things about your T and the pressure you feel that you have to keep a secret. You don't need to keep any secrets from your T.

And to then hear that your friend got your regular appointment time? I would definitely bring that up to your T - it's totally reasonable for you to be hurt by that. Especially on your birthday week - do you find your birthday triggering? I sure do.

Sounds like being the adult and the most professional person in any situation feels like it has to be your job. I would also feel like I couldn't (or really wouldn't want to) talk to T about this. But the difficult friend and the cancelled appointment are two really corrosive issues that are interfering with your therapy and so you actually need to talk to T. You don't have to be the grown up here. You don't have to bite your tongue and consider anyone else's needs. It's totally okay to discuss it with T. You take care of T by paying her. That's it.

As an aside, if I were in crisis and a kind friend gave me the name of her LGBT positive T, I would be extremely grateful to my friend and recognize that move as very generous and giving. If I then didn't hit it off with that T, I would in no way disparage her to my friend--much less if the friend had asked me not to talk about her. Your friend is competing with you and it's mean. She's begging to be ex-friended.

Thank-you for all of the responses; I really appreciate it. I already have begun to distance myself from my friend, and she is probably more like an acquaintance now than a friend. We hang out at LGBT events, work out together, or go to social events from time to time, but she is not someone I count on for emotional support or connection, or someone that I share the intimate details of my life with. However, I feel that it is in my best interests to stay on good terms with her, because we run in the same social circle. The lesbian community here is not that big, so getting on anyone's "bad side" would probably not be a good idea.

I also do not think it would be fair for me to ask my friend (or "acquaintance") to stop seeing my T at this point, as she has already been going to my T for a year. Since I made the recommendation, I feel as though I have to stand by it and allow my friend to have her own, separate relationship with T. (I can, however, continue to enforce my boundary of not hearing about it).

I have spoken to my T about the issue, and we will discuss it in more detail during my next session. She apologized and she explained the situation. She really felt quite bad about it. To make a long story short, she had initially double-booked me with another client, asked me if I could reschedule, and gave me a new appointment time. Then, that client cancelled, and the slot opened up. Instead of offering it to me again (since she figured I already had the new time), she offered it to my friend, who had asked for an appointment. My T said she simply didn't think about the implications, but acknowledged that she made a mistake and she should have offered me my time back (as I really wanted it and would have taken it).

While I don't think I need to tell my T the bad things my friend says about her, I will talk to my T about the fact that my friend seeing her is having a negative impact on my therapy. If nothing else, it will help to get my feelings out there in the open, in a more concrete way. I have told her that it bothers me, but I don't think she knows how much. I don't expect her to "do" anything about it, but I think having it on the table will be helpful for me.

Sure there is. Just block your "friend" on your cell phone. Then you won't receive her texts and phone calls. If she won't abide by your boundaries, then enforce them. Your friend sounds toxic. Are you getting anything out of your relationship with her? As for what you tell your T, it sounds like the situation with your "friend" is bothering you, so talk about it. You don't have to uphold some sort of confidentiality to protect your friend. Confidentiality is what the T has to keep, not you.

I'm glad your therapist actually explained what happened. Some therapists wouldn't.

I asked my therapist if she would consider seeing my friend, and my therapist said that friend groups are too complicated. But then she said, "I can recommend some really good therapists for your friend."

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It is a mess! I think your feelings about this are entirely valid.

I was in a similar situation once. After my couples therapy ended my partner continued on with that therapist for individual therapy. Big mistake! Suddenly arguments were no longer simply her opinion against mine - she would always try to say that my therapist agreed with her, and I had no way to know if that was even true or counter it. I also thought my couples therapist should have known better than to put us in that situation.

You stated that you didn't think there was anything you could do to improve this situation. I can see why it feels that way. I do think though that maybe there is a way to make it better if your therapist knew fully what was going on. Right now I think your therapist is being a little too loose with her boundaries between the two of you, but she might rethink that if she knew how it was effecting you.

One thing your t can change is to stop telling your friend personal stories so that they don't come back to you through your friend. Many therapists already have that boundary. I would think she would not want personal information to be passed between clients, outside of her control, with that client's interpretation mixed in.

Another thing your t could improve is in how she discusses the opposite client with each of you. You mentioned how it is difficult for you when your t says positive things about your friend when your friend comes up as a topic. One way your therapist can help you manage that is by removing her own relationship with your friend out of the equation. A clean boundary would be for your t to listen to your point of view when you discuss your friend and support you where you are at that moment without also expressing her own personal opinion and private knowledge about the other client.

Your t can also help each of you individually to define and hold good boundaries. You expressed your needs to your friend, but she didn't seem to hear or respect you in this. Why? This seems like a good therapy topic to me. Without sharing her inside information about your friend, your therapist can support YOU in your attempt to define and hold your boundaries with this friend and in all of your relationships. If your friend also chooses this as a topic in her own therapy, maybe your therapist can help your friend to hear and respect the boundaries in her life?

Your therapist also messed up big time with giving your time to your friend. Your t needs to hear this. Unfortunately, in any long term therapy relationship, your therapist is likely to step on something that triggers all of your old 'stuff'. I hope that you are able to tell her. You deserve for your t to hear both how this hurt in the moment and how it also echoed with the past. If your therapist can own this without getting defensive this could be a rich topic for you.

I'm sorry you are in this. I can see how painful this can be. I hope that this gets better for you! I do think your therapist needs to own this and make the first changes though.

Turtle