Terminating out of shame.. Help me please

Hello, sorry, I need your help again, please. I know it's long but I am upset.
This morning I went to my GP for my blood test (she asked me to bring her the results). Things between us have been tense lately, she didn't support me about my ED at all and judged me in a very negative way saying it's disgusting and making me feel like an "animal". My parents don't support me either and don't know the whole thing.
I talked to my T about feeling such an outcaste previously, and she's always comforted me that the GP is not being very professional and made me feel safe and right. So far T is the only person keeping me safe on track when I lose my way.

So, today I went to GP and she was off on vacation, as always. I was sent to another GP in the office and it was terrible. I was really ashamed to answer his questions and he read what my GP wrote about me and said "So you stuck fingers down your throat! Now I understand many things. Blood tests are not great and you should speak to your GP and let her do something" (Oh my, do I really have to go back to my GP??).
I felt so ashamed and so horrible that I can't stop crying.

And so I texted my T saying I'm sorry but can't show up on Friday. I really need her, don't know where to go, what to do, who to talk to without feeling like a wretch. But in that moment I thought I'll better leave her alone cause I'm such a wretch to deal with and figured she thinks like them and says "ah she's finally gone" after the sessions as well as today after my text. And at the same time I thought something like "Dump them before they abandon you". I don't know, I just want to disappear.

I feel worse now and need a word. I can't think. Help.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, Ambra.
You are not disgusting. An ED is an illness which you are trying to deal with. You are doing something really difficult and painful. How dare they judge you at your GP's office!

I think you should contact your T again and ask to get your session back. Ask if she can maybe see you sooner than Friday. She is there to help you through this, and I'm willing to bet she's had clients cancel before and then retract the cancellation. (I've seen lots of people writing that they have done that, here on the boards, so it seems like a pretty normal reaction for those who struggle with feelings of shame.)

If your T wanted to work with only shiny happy people who were uncomplicated and healthy, she would have chosen a different profession. Please let her help you through this. We're here for you too, of course, but you need your T's help, too.

I think most of the people who go into therapy as a career are quite compassionate people who really like and care about other people. I consider myself to be a person who really cares about other people and I don't feel anything slightly negative towards you for a second after reading your post and I don't think your therapist would think a negative way about you either.

Some people seem to be so naturally gifted at taking on board every positive comment that comes their way and disregarding the negative ones...and those of us who struggle with depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues are often so good at the opposite, internalising every negative comment and totally disregarding anything positive. I've dealt with one medical professional who was really unhelpful, and I don't think my GP really understands what's best for me either. Those people aren't the ones who really know and understand us though, and they aren't the people we should be listening to.

Therapists are used to dealing with people who struggle. It’s okay to make a mistake, to stumple, to be unsure, to change your mind. It sounds like you really need someone to hear you, and to help you. It’s okay contact your therapist again and ask for help, even though you cancelled your appointment. Life shouldn’t be so hard. It’s really unfair that it is so hard. You do deserve the help and understanding.

First things first: Your GP, the jerkface GP you saw, and your T are all different people. They all have different opinions and thoughts. Please remember that! Don't cut your T out because of that idiotic GP.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with such bad treatment from the GPs. They're supposed to be HELPING with our health, not making things worse!!

(((((Ambra)))))

I hope that you will decide to see your T.

Thanks from the heart. I was so stupid, it's the second time it happens. The first time I didn't cancel, but today it was way too overwhelming and I couldn't reach out here for advice.

I don't know what to do now, my T hasn't got back to me yet, I guess she'll do it after 5pm. She always texts me for changes and always texts back so.. maybe I can wait to see what she writes (if she will text back) while I try to make some clearness in my mind. I have a terrible headache now.

I am really afraid she just thinks "ok" and doesn't want to hear back from me and that's it now, since I did well last time.

Also, you are right.. they are different persons, thank you for reminding me. I know my GP hasn't been professional lately and I should get a new one. Still, I can't keep it in mind sometimes, when I'm criticized so openly. Because she was supposed to be the doctor after all.
So about T, I suppose I have to wait a couple hours now..?

I would give that (both) GP's a good piece of my mind and report them for their unprofessionalism. I suggest you not go back - that is completely rude of them and unacceptable. I'm angry for you and I don't even have a ED. Definitely do not go back, you do not deserve to be disrespected when you are simply struggling. If the test results are not good, their job is to help you not judge you. If T has been in your corner - stick with it. I know its hard, and you feel like breaking down, but T's are pretty receptive of that kind of thing! It could probably benefit you more to push through those urges to cancel. I would write a letter if I were you to the board that the doctor serves on and let them know you are highly dissatisfied and won't tolerate such ignorance.

Can you re-message your T and tell her you had a bad experience at the doctor's office and overreacted about wanting to cancel your T appointment?

Often, reaching out is the hardest part. You can do it. You will feel better if you connect vs. staying isolated.

......and this is why I always hid my bulimia. Only my T knows. I do finally after a year of therapy have it under control.

Sorry that your GP has treated in this way, I find that some GP's do not understand about any mental illness at all it is why it's always best to talk with a therapist about these types of things, I do hope that you continue with your therapy.

How unprofessional of your GP and co workers to speak to you in such a way. I would file a complaint. Regardless, I think you should see if your T can reschedule your appointment so you can see her right away. You should not feel disgusting at all. Your T is the person to speak to about this. If your GP cannot be kind and professional, perhaps your T can point you in the way of a new doctor who has some experience with patients who have ED? There are some primary care psychiatrists, thought I know probably rare. Still some medical centers must have internists who have experience with such things.

As someone with an eating disorder too you have my sincere sympathy. Doctors office's can be a real source of shame that only keeps us from getting the help we need. I completely agree with the above poster who said to reach out again to your T, you deserve all the support they can offer you.

Hi guys, THANK YOU from the heart. I can't explain how helpful you've been.

Thank you, I disclosed to just 2 persons and look what happened with one! I really didn't expect it, always stuck between my needs and the fact that is a doctor "so maybe she's right". Now I finally see how much she's damaging me.

I was already sure I would never hear from her again when T texted me back saying, thank you for telling me, I'll see you next week, same time then. We usually don't have outside of session contact except for such arrangements so she didn't ask the reason for it as my text was very plain and quiet.

And I feel like I can't retreat after she agreed and adjusted and maybe she doesn't even have that space left. I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to bother her again tomorrow saying I want my hour back. I would like to explain her for advice.. but I guess I'll just skip this session (seems to me an eternity to the next one, lol) and try to cope while I make some clearness? I feel lost, but I'm relieved cause I have an appointment, at least she hasn't abandoned me yet.
I feel literally unable to contact her again, I wonder what she'll think next week if I say I've had such a blackout and couldn't listen to my own needs.

By the way, I'll start looking for a new GP tomorrow. Unfortunately, I have to go back to mine next tuesday. But I've learned the lesson and whatever that woman is going to tell me, I'm not going to reschedule with T ever again.

You don't HAVE to, actually. You can cancel that appointment and find a new doctor now. You just ask for the blood test results to be sent to the new doctor. Nothing says you have to keep this appointment next Tuesday. Please don't feel trapped into seeing someone who is both unprofessional and unsafe for you emotionally.

You're right, i don't have to. The problem is, it will take a while to find a new GP where I live and this time I'd like to get a list and go meet them first.
Meanwhile my family is forcing me to go as I can' tell them what she said cause they don't know about my problem. Besides it's their GP as well and they're wondering why i want to dump her since she's always been good, BEFORE this.

So I though I'd do the effort - but I see what you guys mean and I agree. I am still upset and angry and hurt cause I can't reach my T, I've been trying since this morning but I'm punishing myself once again by not allowing my well being cause "I'm just not worth it". So I really hope to get the new GP before next week because this was quite damaging and I'm still too weak to cope on my own.

You are worth it.

(((((Ambra)))))

If it makes you feel any better GP are, for the most part, not very smart. They seem, as far as I have experienced, walking and talking bullet points, they just list things you should and should not do without real thought or advanced knowledge on the subjects, kinda sad really. Don't let them get to you. Also try changing GP's, maybe there might be one that is an actual human being.

And you're not alone, you got us at PC!

(((((Ambra)))))
Some GPs are just too clinical for some people's illnesses. I think it's a good idea to find a new one when that happens.
You deserve understanding, support and respect. You are absolutely worth it. Don't let this set you back. I hope you can get hold of your T soon because I know she will want to know how you are and be there for you.

Another person with an ED here who has faced shame with my doctors before. Please contact your T again and see if you can get your session back. My T is one of the only ones who helps to keep me on track with my ED recovery progress. I do have an ED T too, but I'm much closer to my personal T.

Thank you for reaching out to us. We're here if you need us- and so is your T. Please don't let a few icky GPs get in your way of something so important as recovery of your ED. You can do this.

There are some wonderful GP's out there. You may have to try on a few for size to find the right fit.

My husband and I finally found a marvelous GP. He has a great bedside manner, he takes plenty of time with us at every appointment (usually 20-30 minutes which is pretty unusual for a GP). He explains things carefully and really cares about the whole person, not just what ails you at the moment. My husband has a very complicated medical profile, and the GP speaks with his specialists before making any major medical treatment decisions. My husband and I are both on psych meds, and that doesn't seem to phase him in the least. He just considers our meds when prescribing other medications and he always treats us with respect and kindness.

It took some shopping around though to find him, so be willing to go to a few until you find one that feels right to you. You are the consumer here, so you have the right to find the best product for your needs.

I had similar experience with practice nurse last week. It has made me want to change gp. I can never disclose now. I was almost there but it is so hard. I don't want anything on my notes. Well done to everyone for being so brave.

They're the ones who should be ashamed ... Not You!

Hey, sorry for posting again.
I just wanted to update you without opening a new thread. Today was supposed to be T day (the one i cancelled) and this morning I got triggered. I'm not allowed to cry at home so I went out at the usual time for my session, sat in a park near the practice and wondered if someone else had taken "my" hour and thought about all the things I would have said in session. I tought it would give me some comfort since I wasn't able to reach out to T even though I tried really hard.
So I got kind of close to the only safe place I have - I didn't feel the need to go too close though, nor tried to see her at all (the last thing I wanted was to be seen!). I just wanted to be around, same district, 2 subway stops away. Is it bad, am I nuts?
All this did me some good because I understood how important it is to listen to my needs rather than others' judgement, for next time - at least as far as I'm still so weak and needy - but I didn't expect to be so shattered.
Sorry but I really needed to say/write it somewhere.