Do you ever avoid your T in session?

Not sure how to explain this but I think I avoided my T tonight. The thing is I WENT, but totally took control of the session and gave no space to what we talked about over the last several weeks. We had been processing my overwhelming anger at him...and I just pretended none of it had even happened. That's what I do with other people in my life. I definitely see that now. But I didn't go into the session consciously planning to do so... It scares me that I can be so much on auto-pilot. I avoided thinking about T all day and anxiously tried to find a new outfit/clothing.....ugh. It's so hard to explain. I do that on and off all the time and I know it is significant.

I am just wondering: do you ever do things to avoid your T in session? Instead of outright canceling, do you ever go and then not let your T in either blatantly or passively? I feel rather guilty right now and like I wasted my session. My T is smart enough to probably see through it, so I feel embarrassed too

I do this every other week. I feel sometimes like I waste my time. But T says that it shows him more by what I avoid than what I talk about.

Avoidance was not my biggest problem. I tended to grab things and not let go.

lol maybe my T would appreciate it if I avoided her for a change. I find myself almost following her around like some sort of injured puppy.

I've wasted many a session chit chatting and being too scared to jump in.

Ugh. It's soooo frustrating to me! Sometimes I just don't know why I go anymore makes me want to consider quitting, but I'm not a quitter - I guess I just don't give up on things very easily...

Oh yeah, this happens a lot! I know exactly what you're talking about. I can sail right through a session babbling about trivial stuff and not letting T get a word in edgewise. I can't seem to help it. But it's good that you're recognizing you do this in RL. I do too. I'm just hoping continuing therapy will help me be aware of this and get it under control.

Yep, it feels just like a complete waste of a session.

My T says that even this serves a purpose in "the process"

The more I think about the session tonight, the more I see how it actually was meaningful. It just seems so manipulative or sneaky of me to use an indirect situation to process my "stuff" about T with him. How annoying must that be for T?? Like talking about a relational issue that came up with someone else, but it all applies to what is going on for me with my T. Seriously all subconscious and I didn't even put two and two together until now. Even some of the questions T asked me and things he said make sense within the context of our T relationship. Ackkk! This is getting too deep...

I was so afraid of something I avoided it for a year, and didn't even realize I was avoiding it. But whenever the topic came up I scooted along and didn't talk about it and just thought it was a stupid topic to talk about and not an issue - even though my stomach would be in knots. But when I scooted along it wasn't in knots anymore so all was good.

I think I avoid her by not making eye contact sometimes. I used to be good with eye contact all of the time, but I’m not now, not when I really struggle. It's a bit like I avoid finding out that it's safe to really say something to her, because I can't look at her or acknowledge that she's heard me and is possibly responding non verbally to what I say. In some of the worst sessions, I didn't look at her at all, I just couldn't. And then there was the one session when I couldn't really bear to hear anything she said, so every time she spoke I avoided actually having a conversation with her by talking over the top of her. And sometimes these days, when something really big is going on between us, I talk about the easy things like exams and little everyday stressors instead. Whoops. Although sometimes on those occassions, my therapist slips in something like "Have you given any more thought to what we talked about last week?" And I have a very rapid change from everything-is-fine to the-whole-world-is-falling-apart.

I do this too. I sometimes avoid talking about what I really know I should, or maybe I actually do bring up the general topic. But she doesn't understand why I brought it up, and I don't tell her the specific details about it that would explain why. I speak in generalizations and make things really vague because I'm afraid of what will happen when I reveal the ugly truth. I hunger to let my T know the truth, and yet I desperately want to hide from it.

Lately I am in a phase of doing that and I dont know why, she has noticed, I just dont talk as much, and I am looking at the floor most of the time, she lets me sit in silence for a couple of minutes, then iniciates questions.

I guess I am fighting feelings and emotions I dont want to face being that I am feeling extra vulnerable these days.

Oh yes. I try diligently not to avoid her, but sometimes my fear or hurt is overwhelming and I do. I will not speak, or I will threaten to cancel appointments. I get afraid to lose her by saying the wrong thing, or to be misunderstood, and sometimes I get so absolutely panicked about those things that I cry in frustration instead of speak what's on my mind. Yesterday was like that, for a while. Other times, I feel angry or threatened, and avoid speaking to her.

Yet she is calm and steady, most always, and I usually cannot hold out long avoiding her. My feelings break through, painfully, and I make my peace with her and open back up.

Goodness it is hard. Thanks for posting this thread!

I know exactly what you mean. I spent years chit chatting. It took my T getting angry at me for me to finally open up and be "real". The past few weeks with my T have substantially changed the way I see myself.

Isn't it nice to have someone accept you just the way your are?

You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Nothing happens before it is meant to be.

Those were not wasted years. Those were years you spent before you were willing to trust someone with your hurts and disappointments.

I have spent 5+ years chit chatting with my T and just recently (2 weeks ago) was able to expose my "true" self. That was painful for me and my anxiety level was very high. I took several deep breaths before I was able to reveal to my T my true self with all my hurts/pains from my past and trust that my T wouldn't reject me as had other since I was 3 yrs old.

My love and acceptance for who you are at this time in your life and my best wishes for whom you will become.

I have avoided my T many times yet she is so gentle and caring so I don't why I do it.
She has said herself that I am very avoidant, Maybe it is fear I don't know.

I've done the exact same thing, even got up and walked out after 20 minutes. What I've learned is my ego state (inner child) was not feeling safe and shut the adult me off. That's the egos way of protecting us from having painful experiences. I was on auto pilot for many years. I've done exactly what you describe; feeling anxious all day, finding a new outfit so I'd look good, felt guilty, cancelled appointments, even stopped seeing him for several months. Everything you are doing and I did is avoidance behavior...avoiding talking about things that are painful. I still won't let him talk about my son who died 21 yrs ago, it's just too painful. You can bet your T sees right through it. It was so bad he said he didn't know if he could help me anymore or even if he wanted to. That was just 5 weeks ago. I had an "aha" (epiphanial) moment where I realized everything I had done or not done, said or not said ended up hurting myself. I was looking outside of myself for answers that are within me. I shared that with my T and he smiled. Since then I have stopped avoidance behaviors and have started growing. I no longer let the ego tell me what to do/say. Take a look at The Work of Byron Katie on Facebook. She does daily little sayings and one of those was the trigger for my aha moment.

I think I would occasionally avoid with my other T's. And have a couple times with my current T, but am trying not to do it. She has had me end up trusting her pretty quickly. Sometimes, what I do is write notes to myself that I can pull up at her office with issues that come up while I'm in RL that give me problems. If I don't do that, I tend to babble all hour.