[purplemystery]

Does your T ever seem to downplay what you say, or write off something that you think is an issue?

I am trying to get my social anxiety across to my T, and sometimes I feel like what I say is kind of brushed over. For example, I was talking about how I'm not sure who I am and how I feel like I don't have enough opinions on things. My T said that I must have opinions about some things. That's true, but I felt like she missed the point. She regularly seems to say something like "is it really _______, or is it just that _______?" It makes me feel like I really can't trust my own perception on things. I think she believes what I'm saying, but she does try to normalize things a lot. I'm afraid that we have different ideas about what my goals should be.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with their T?

[Elektra_]

feel the same way

[purplemystery]

It's frustrating, isn't it? Why would I be bringing it up if it wasn't an issue for me? I didn't realize until I wrote this thread that I feel some anger toward my T about this.

[Freewilled]

I have had the same feelings about my T.....for now, I'm trying to hold onto those times in my mind that my T has shown me the most empathy. I even have a "why I can trust T" list lol I add to it when he does or says something that I know means he cares (or most likely so...I struggle with trust).

I know, it's really hard....the only way I have found to deal with it in session is to try and talk about it. It works best for me when I am in my more adult-mode and pick up quickly that something he said pissed me off or hurt me or whatever and I address it right then and there. This has only happened for me a couple times /: Maybe because I'm often not present enough. I have delayed reactions....but then I have to wait till the next week. And I write here to help me cope plus read my list and keep busy.

This is only what has helped me so far. I know some Ts are insensitive or even unethical so I don't want to make assumptions or speculate. I'm sorry you're feeling afraid you and T might not be on the same page, purple I know how ambivalent that place can be.

[purplemystery]

I like your trust list idea a lot. Thanks for telling me about it. I think I'll try it myself because I want to hang onto the positive.

It feels so great to hear that someone can understand. I know just want you mean about having a delayed reaction time. It usually takes me a few hours to a day after the session to really process what my T said and to become bothered by something. And then I can't address it right away, and have to decide whether it is important enough to bring up next time, or if I should just let it go. Even the thought of expressing anger with my T, or even disagreement, scares me a lot. My relationship with her is so important to me, that I don't want to jeopardize it. I tell myself things like why would you bring that up? It's not a big deal. I know logically that expressing anger at my T will not destroy the relationship, but I only have a few months left with my T, and I want good memories. I want us to get closer, not to be pulled apart.

Thanks Freewilled, it's tough not being sure we're on the same page. I just want a good ending with my T. I hope things get better for you too.

[Favorite Jeans]

I have definitely had this issue with my T. When I talked to her about it seemed like there were a few things going on. One was that she didn't really get what I was saying. Two was that she was trying to tell me that I'm an okay person to try to reassure me and I didn't want reassurance, I wanted her to validate me and say "that sounds awful" or something. Three I think we see mental illness differently. I really see many of my issues as having a biological basis and requiring medication and she seems to have a different paradigm (I need to ask her about that...) I've gotten better at recognizing it in the moment when I'm feeling misunderstood and she has been very ready to hear my feedback.

[purplemystery]

Thanks Favorite Jeans, I think all three of those really apply to my situation. I don't think she has been understanding me lately, and I feel like she is assuming what I mean. But I have a hard time explaining myself, so I am probably not getting it across the way that I want to. Second, she is always trying to get me to accept myself and realize that I'm okay the way that I am. But is it my right to ask for validation if that's what I want? If she doesn't want to give it, will my asking make it not genuine? And for the third, that's a very interesting theory. I suspect we may have different ideas too, though I would have to ask my T more about that. Thanks for the insight. I'm glad it went well for you when you addressed being misunderstood. Perhaps I should try bringing it up with her in the moment.

[A Red Panda]

Sometimes I might say something that I think should lead in to more discussion and then it doesn't and the conversation goes another way.

I don't think it's my T downplaying things though. For me, it's that *I* downplay things! I don't make it clear enough that I find it important. I don't think I word everything in a way that would lead to more discussion. If I do say something that's somehow got an opening to continue then he's pretty good at following with that topic (and then bringing it back up the next week when I'm not expecting it!).

Sometimes it seems like they are just missing the intensity of what we are experiencing, doesn't it. If you feel that right at the moment, try just telling her she's missing the boat, but I understand how it doesn't always hit you until later. Try to remember that it is you feeling the frustration or anger and not your T. You going to the next session and telling her how you felt in response to what she said isn't going to upset her. She's not feeling the conflict personally, so she isn't going to respond with anger. She'll be interested in your response. Why this was a trigger for you, etc.

I had this happen with my last session. I was extremely agitated and left feeling like he wasn't hearing me. I he absolutely knew I was fuming by the time I left his office. Well, I went back this week and we discussed what had happened, what he said that triggered me so intensely, and I finally felt heard. He wasn't angry with me at all, and I felt reassured.

You have to bring this up and talk through it. That's actually how you will learn to build trust.

[Freewilled]

I actually just recently asked my T for validation....well I said something like, "I can't ask for validation though, T! It would be...too much!" And of course, he asked me then if what I was saying was I need him to validate me more. Ugh. It was a roundabout way of asking I guess but better than nothing. Yes - I do fear it will not be genuine though.

I told him at the our last session that I did not want to be controlling. I don't want to make him be a certain way if that's not how he is....and he said I can ask him for whatever I want and he will decide if he can fill the need or not. He said he doesn't think it's too much to ask for the things I've asked for (not much) and if he can do it, he's glad to. He wants me to "have a good experience." Whatever that means. But I take it he wants to help. Or I'm trying to take it that way, anyway.

All this talk with him about my needs has been very awkward and terrifying. And overwhelming. But I'm trying...

[anilam]

My T does that ATT (even jokes about it) and maybe I'm weird but I like that. Actually, I even came up with a name for that- calling it "normalizing". Feels good to know it's not that bad, manageable even. Guess that's why I like it- gives me a sense I can do stg with it? Only proves that everybody's different- tough luck for Ts.
Can you bring it up with her?

[Auntie2014]

My first T at first session said "we will not ever go there" when I was trying to tell her about parents always away from home drinking when I was growing up. A little later she laughed and made a rude remark when I blushed with embarrassment trying to tell about sibling abuse. I really have no idea how I made it through that first session.

After I went home I started going over what happened. I spent a lot of time over the next week trying to figure out if I should go to next appointment, find a different T and how I could address the problems if I did go back. Not really knowing what to expect from T I decided to write a list of questions I wanted answered and what I expected from therapy. When I did go to the next appointment I told her that I had the list of questions and that her answers would help me decide if I would continue seeing her.

She answered each and every question and listened to me when I told her how I was feeling about her comments the week before. It took most of that session to get through the session and rant about what she said. When we had about 10 minutes left I was running down. She looked me straight in the eye and said "Good you have your back bone back now."

From time to time over the next few years we talked about those first two sessions. In looking back now I know that if I feel that something is an issue for me it is my job to let my T know that it is an issue that I want to work on. I also gained confidence from those sessions to know that it is alright to confront not only T but others when something is important to me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Auntie2014

...In looking back now I know that if I feel that something is an issue for me it is my job to let my T know that it is an issue that I want to work on. I also gained confidence from those sessions to know that it is alright to confront not only T but others when something is important to me.

This is exactly what I'm working on with my T. When I thought that she assumed my crying was an act, she told me to ask her if she believed me. When she hurt me by not calling me when she said she would, she told me it was okay tell her that she needed to communicate more with me. She is constantly helping ask/talk to people about things that are important to me. I still struggle with it, but am getting better.

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Sometimes I might say something that I think should lead in to more discussion and then it doesn't and the conversation goes another way.

I don't think it's my T downplaying things though. For me, it's that *I* downplay things! I don't make it clear enough that I find it important. I don't think I word everything in a way that would lead to more discussion. If I do say something that's somehow got an opening to continue then he's pretty good at following with that topic (and then bringing it back up the next week when I'm not expecting it!).

This is true for me too, except that T very rarely brings things up in following sessions (it's really unusual that he brings up topics at all.) I never know what is important or not and am constantly worried that I'm wasting T's time with unimportant topics. I would never ever have been as brave as Auntie2014 and told a T in the second session that what they said made me uncomfortable - I would have taken it for granted that the things I tried to bring up were not worth talking about. But - completely illogically - I sometimes feel disappointed when T doesn't pick up on something I say.

My exT was the queen of downplaying things. I told her that I cannot talk to my H and she said "maybe you should try doing that", I told her that I was procrastinating at work to the point where I couldn't sleep for worrying about the things I didn't do and she said "maybe you should try getting things done"... I'm paraphrasing here, but that was the gist of what she said, and it was not helpful for me at all.

[ScrewedUpMe]

T normalizes things ALL the time. She even says, "I think it's important to normalize this...". It drives me CRAZY and I also feel dismissed and trivialized. So I can really empathize

[penguinh]

For sure; I feel like my therapist downplays my entire life. But then again, she's not the one with a mental disorder. For us with mental disorders, we tend to exaggerate the significance of certain problems in our life. To us, it may seem like the end of the world but for others, they don't see it as much as a problem. That's one of the cognitive distortions that we deal with. Like my friends are always making comments like "omg stop worrying" or "why are you freaking out so much?" but that's because their mind functions 'normally' and they're able to see things more clearly instead of through a lense like me.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by penguinh

For sure; I feel like my therapist downplays my entire life. But then again, she's not the one with a mental disorder. For us with mental disorders, we tend to exaggerate the significance of certain problems in our life. To us, it may seem like the end of the world but for others, they don't see it as much as a problem. That's one of the cognitive distortions that we deal with. Like my friends are always making comments like "omg stop worrying" or "why are you freaking out so much?" but that's because their mind functions 'normally' and they're able to see things more clearly instead of through a lense like me.

Yes. People in my life basically tell me to chill out all.the.time. Or at least they used to because I have suppressed my feelings to appear as normal as I possibly can /: probably a little too much because my T tells me he is trying to help me feel my feelings again.

One time I expressed very slight concern with my T that it was going to rain on Halloween and how that might impact trick-or-treating. It was not a topic during therapy, just small talk at the end of a session. Inside, I was actually concerned because I have childhood issues that come out in relation to my son....so he says to me very nonchalantly while writing down our next appt. in his calendar - yeah, just take an umbrella. Lol Right. I realized even more clearly at that moment how my mind over exaggerates quite a bit.

[purplemystery]

Thank you everyone, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one. Seeing that you have all experienced this too has made me think of this as less of a disaster. Your examples of how you "confronted" your Ts in the past definitely made me see that this is something that I can and should bring up. I have difficulty with conflict and assertiveness in my everyday life, so it will be helpful to practice it too. Boy, is therapy hard sometimes... I would have never thought that I could have this kind of problem with my T when I was first starting. But I guess these small conflicts happen in all relationships.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

T normalizes things ALL the time. She even says, "I think it's important to normalize this...". It drives me CRAZY and I also feel dismissed and trivialized. So I can really empathize

No way, my T says almost exactly the same thing!

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Auntie2014

When I did go to the next appointment I told her that I had the list of questions and that her answers would help me decide if I would continue seeing her.

You go, Auntie2014. That's great that you were able to do that. Thanks for the example of how a client should be assertive about their needs.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I told her that I was procrastinating at work to the point where I couldn't sleep for worrying about the things I didn't do and she said "maybe you should try getting things done"... I'm paraphrasing here, but that was the gist of what she said, and it was not helpful for me at all.

omg, that's awful Do you still have problems with procrastination?

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Does your T ever seem to downplay what you say, or write off something that you think is an issue? I think she believes what I'm saying, but she does try to normalize things a lot. I'm afraid that we have different ideas about what my goals should be.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with their T?

Hmm. I don't think I've experienced this at all, but I've heard others talk about this.

Normalizing things, while intended to help, sounds dismissive to me. It doesn't sound like the T is minimizing per se, but her approach makes it seem this way. Hopefully when you talk to her, she will understand where you're coming from.

I do want to mention that I've experienced the opposite-I've minimized my experiences, while my T pointed out that the events were traumatic or much more difficult than I portrayed them to be.

Actually, the very concept of normalizing makes it similar to invalidation. You're struggling with something, and to be told, "everyone does it", just doesn't provide the validation of the difficulty of your experience.

Psychotherapy is such an art!