Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Lying here looking up at the darkness thinking of you. I can't turn the clock back...it will always be dark now.

Dear T

the strangest thing happened at work today. I was busy working and all of a sudden a smelled what your office smells like. The smell was really strong and I recognised it instantly.
Then it went, so I carried on working and about 20secs later, the smell came again. It made my stomach churn, I am not sure about the meaning of that but it was nice.
Thanks T.

HT.

Even though we talked about some kind of difficult stuff last week, I'm actually doing really well handling it. I don't feel the same anxious, panic feelings I have had at times in the past. And I have only texted you once this week (about a minor detail of my life, not a big deal) and didn't hear back, and I'm okay with that. This is a nice experience, and it's already Friday. I kind of miss you, but I will see you in a few days and it hasn't been bad. Wow. This is nice.

You've made it perfectly clear that you don't care about me. I want you to know that I realize this and it breaks my heart. You must be sadistic because I see a pattern here. Don't you see it too?

I hope next session you'll show me a sign that I matter.

Can I burn this closure letter in your office? Make it feel like I'm really closing this part of my life?

Oh, wait. Your window doesn't open.

Never mind.

Dear T,

Am I ready to leave you? No. Do I feel like you're the best person for me? Also no. Am I going to lie to you in order to get my needs met re. seeing two Ts? For the foreseeable future, yes. Do I feel guilty about that? No.

Well, marginally.

I wish you would read my mind. I wish you were not going to not be about next week. I'm sorry I'm so needy. Don't hate us.

Dear T
I wonder how you’ve managed to tolerate me all this time and never told me you hate me?
In your staying neutral and not expressing any disgust or boredom of me ,there must be a huge effort ,cause I get to see how stupid and ignorant I’ve been(and already am) every now and then. I think back on my behaviors and highly ignorant things I’ve said and I can’t help coming to any conclusions other than “you hate me”. These thoughts race into my head so frequently and the shame is so much that they could blow my head if they lasted a few more seconds .I’m selfish, lazy, ignorant, short sighted, disgusting ,self centered and so many other bad things that I’m sure exist and can’t realize them yet,so why don’t you just throw them at my face? So that I won’t have the 1 percent possibility of your opinion being another way, left. let me know ,that’s all I deserve.
Sorry, it’s been my self centered part again, how did I dare to think you would waste your time “hating” me? Your time and energy is far more valuable ,and your other clients’ issues are far more important and serious , than mine.

Dear T,

I'm terribly labile today I'm sorry I won't talk about my positive feelings for you....I just can't seem to feel them while I'm with you (?) I only feel them in between sessions but I don't understand why. It's like I'm a different person sometimes. I do appreciate you but I'm scared to say that even in email because I imagine you will leave......

Dear T
I MISS YOU SO MUCH! Starting new with some else just wont be the same. In tears even as I type this. There has been know one in my life that even compared to you. I was able to open up and share so much. Everyday I hear your voice "I am here for you" and when you said it and emailed it it meant so much to me... Not having you here any longer is so sad for my heart to comprehend. Your last email ended with..." I wish you the very best in your journey." This broke my heart so bad. I hate endings I want to keep emailing and meet up with you again. You are the "friend" I always wanted. When will you no longer be in my thoughts? I enjoyed working with you. I have a bit of jealousy now that didn't exist before that your current clients are now children. They have the best T anyone could ask for. The lady that would leave before me I used to high five her on her way out of the waiting room and was glad she had you. I miss your thought provoking comments, EMDR, smile you care and concern. I felt a deep connection.

T, looks like I'm going to be needy next time. I have had crying spells all week. I hope I find some comfort in your kindness in our next session.

Dear T,

I think that the time away has made me feel differently about being in therapy. I don't know that I don't want to be in it; but i'm starting to wonder if theres a point in it. We've been apart almost three weeks, unintentionally, and I really don't think I have anything to say next session. It's starting to feel like the same old same old and that I really can't be helped as it's all my own issues that are just tucked away way to deep. I'm starting to think this is a bigger challenge than you or I anticipated. I, for sure, didn't know I had all these issues - and yet I feel like I have none at all. Is it possible to just naturally feel the way I do and not have any issues? *sigh* I don't know what I want anymore. I hope you see this next session and can help me; this is all beginning to seem a little hopeless - like not even worth feeling sad over because there's no way to fix the brokenness inside.

Please be kind and gentle with me when we meet later this week. It's been three weeks and I am feeling confused, broken, alone and terribly afraid. So much has happened while you have been with your family. I wonder if there is much point in continuing this 'relationship' as it feels so fake now. I have realised I am just another client. It hurts. I want to be more but you are so professional and have such a great life outside of work that I realise it is so obvious that I mean nothing to you except being your client, paying £40 for you to listen to me talk about my pathetic existence.

I don't know why you would do this to me? I did not deserve to be spoken about like a lab rat. I'm a human being in case you didn't notice. I could have been a friend, a relative, a co-worker, a service provider to you. I deserved respect and am in disbelief at the lack thereof.

Dear T,,

Well, Bruins dominated again

Today, is a big day, for me. It was a day, I almost walked to your office, to sit a couple hours. Stopped, sat down on a bench, texted my best friend in Florida, decided to go home, grab my divorce folder from my file cabinet, this was when my ex refused to have visitations anywhere but my home. A day he left me in limbo if he'd show up, and did, much earlier than expected. .
He'd taken to hiding my car keys that weekend, end result was grabbing folder, refused to give him any keys, and almost getting trapped in my apartment, raced outside...
After all that, called your office, to reschedule due to an emergency...

-me

That's what it was, Sunday visit, he'd taken boys out, snarkily saying good luck leaving for your trip. Have audio of him calling to tell me he'd found my car keys(spare in purse), & then saying after I'd gotten back for end of visit, saying he had no clue what I was talking about, must be careful and hearing things. The keys were in boys sock/underwear drawer.

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Dear T,

We had a good session today. I think we are both starting to see that we both may need to take a different approach, but I at least do feel like we are in this together. Thank you for making me feel loved and not alone.

Well I definatly can't say this to your face but I think I have worked out why you're the first T I have actually liked and felt fairly comfortable with.
My dogs had a long overdue haircut this afternoon, it took about an hour and then I realised why something seemed a little off....you and a not so hairy grumpy dog are identical!

Is this that transference thing people here talk about so often? You remind me of "someone" I like and feel affection towards and those feelings are transferred on to you.
I think that's it. If not, never mind it's not important.

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I got word I was approved for my first apartment by myself, and I will be moving on May 1. It's funny that I started seeing you two years ago at the beginning of May when my life was a disaster. And now I am just an inch away from complete freedom and independence from my family. That's so awesome.

FYI: I'm not interested in anyone that is not interested in me. Just sayin.

I'm so scared you can't really help me though you already have. It's getting tougher now and I keep too many secrets.

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Dear T
I am in tears again tonight I am still missing you. I don't think these tears will ever leave. I still haven't got a call from the agency to have a new T... I wish I could have you back. You are now only treating children... I wish I was a child at a school so you could be my T...
There is a hole in my heart since you left. I miss you! Oh yeah I already said that. I need a friend like you... That I pictured in my mind what one would be like. I miss you! I need a hug from you

Dear Madame T
Answer my bleddy letters, demmit!

I need you too much. I'm scared. Xx

Dear FM,

I'm so glad you never bricked your self in. The B word just continues to rear it's ugly head. I know...