Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,

I have been thinking of just being done with this whole therapy hullabaloo. Ya know, run before getting into the really hard stuff. I'm scared of facing that, and of how I'm starting to feel about you. This whole thing just sucks. More than anything, I'm afraid of the moment you ask the question they've all asked. Will I disgust you in that moment? Or worse, will I cry? Can I handle it again but this time from someone I've come to trust which somehow makes it that much more awful? I just don't know. I don't.
I'd give anything to go back and not have sent you those 2 emails. I hate feeling so damn needy like this. I'm pathetic. More than that, I broke a promise to myself. I think that's why I feel done. This has to stop before my walls get broken down more.

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Dude, did you fart in my cbt session??
good thing I like you.

Dear T,

You ****ing rock, like for real. I can't believe how well you handled my feelings (and awkwardness) last night. Thank you for helping me see that a break does me no good and thank you for helping me open up to you about my real feelings. Every time I think you'll run away when I share something from deep in my heart...nothing happens. You stay calm and collected, bringing me closer to you without making me feel wrong about it. Even with my ups and downs my general trajectory has been to trust you a bit more with each passing week and it's a wonderful feeling. I'm hoping I can hang onto these good feelings all week

With gratitude,
Mac

Thanks for coming to me when I couldn't come to you.

Thank you for being so honest today and telling me how your clients give you gratatude. Thank you for being attuned to me.
Thank you for listening to my dream.

Just, thank you.

I feel so very fortunate to have a therapist on call, to wake up from a bad dream, an unsettling one, to feel scared, call you, you with your amazing dream analysis skills and attunement, you who knows just what's going on in my life, and to share with me what you see in the dream and help take away that fear factor I had about it.

Gosh. Big sigh of relief. Let's stay together a while...

I think this is the time of my life where I draw closer and closer to my heart's desire, make meaning out of all my years, tell my story and write the next chapters more deliberately than ever. Here is to success!!!

Funny

So wait...with this whole projective identification thing...does that mean you actually really feel all that horrible stuff that I feel? Because if so, I feel really guilty for making you go through that. I feel like I'm contaminating you or something.

mild amusement & disgust: 1

erotic transference: 0

Hey NP,

I just want to say that I really like you as a person. Thank you for seeing that I was insanely early to my appointment (hey, if I can get a free ride I will even if that means I've got to wait ages!) and then seeing me early - I do believe you were still on your lunch break! I particularly found it rather nice when you asked if I minded if you were still in your workout clothes! Of course I don't mind! And that I was somehow done and out 15 minutes BEFORE the appointment was meant to start. I hope you didn't lose out on breaks throughout the afternoon.

Also, thank you for listening and having faith in my ability to be responsible.

And thank you for suggesting that I take the pills I'm no longer on to the pharmacist to have him dispose of them. It really seemed like genuine concern from you to not have them around as a chance to be tempted to OD on them. It didn't feel like fake concern at all, and I'm not really sure how to accept that when it's only the second time I've met you.

So.. thanks for starting to help me gain some faith in the health care here.

I need to tell you about my depression, & suicidal thoughts.

T,

I'm prepared to lose your trust. I don't want to but I think if I'm honest I will. I thought I was doing better. I thought I was strong and now I sit here wishing you could see me once a week.

Dear T. Our sessions are too short. I also need to see you more often. I am in pain and need our discussions to go deeper. But I do not know how to ask.

Dear T,
Wassupppp?!

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I'm really nervous about seeing you tonight. Like REALLY nervous /:

Dear PDoc!!!

Oh My!! I called the office today, as I hadn't seen the office numbers for reminders on my phone, thinking my appointment was either today or sometime next week! HA!! I MISSED IT!!! That's ok, however, I've rescheduled! Will see you on the last day of this month and by then, I pray to get to say, bye to you! Not that I want to say, goodbye, but because I'd really like, to have that YES answer from the court by the 26th! SO, bye, as in, I get to vacate the state type of goodbye!

So, I hope you didn't think/feel I'd blown you off or anything. I hadn't entered a couple various appointments into my phone, and I think I'd tossed the last appointment summary when I cleaned my purse, recently.

-Me

Dear T,

It's been forever. I miss you woman! Anyways, I think this time apart has made me better/stronger in some ways, so that's always a good thing. I will be happy to see you next week though. I miss your presence. =]

Dear T,
I am glad we had an awesome session God, the word vomit just did not stop today and that's rare for me, as you know!
Looking forward to seeing you on Monday.

Dear T: I can't wait to see you. Except that i don't know what to talk about. I will be too ashamed and look like a complete idiot as always. I will also be late as the last thing I want to do is ring at your door while the previous client is still there.
I wish you could read my mind. I'm suffering so much and am unable to express it, so I'll just talk about something nice like the cool new job. I really like it when you are happy and I'm not a burden.

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dear t
I really like you. I like where we are going. but you did say my dad abused me. I remember it clearly. why do you deny that you said it? I know I should have said something when you said it but I didn't want to address it. now you don't believe that you said it and it made me look foolish today. I know you said it. and I really wish you would read the letter. you asked for it. how come you have never read it?

Dear YT,

thanks for being you tonight...not just what you think I need... I'm starting to let myself think about your leaving. We only have 4 more appts together... I'm sad....you've helped me so much

T1,

Monday has got to go better than this past Monday. When you come back from vacation, you are all over the place. At the end you said "good session"...um no, it wasn't. You totally didn't get where I was at all. Hopefully this coming Monday you will have mentally rejoined me (and perhaps the rest of your patients?) because you coming back from vacation is much more difficult than the 3 weeks you were actually gone!

T2,

There are a lot of things I want to say but can't.

Pdoc,

Thanks for not sucking today.

Dear T,

When you asked me that question tonight, I felt put on the spot. I'm not so good with that on the spot ****, you know that though So what I meant to say was this: I don't find it annoying at all. I find it endearing. It hurts sometimes to see it because it reminds me that I'm me and never will have that. At least not like that.....not in the way I needed it. I don't want to make it out to be all bad though because I'm sure he had his moments and there are some memories that were good enough. But part of me feels sad about it. And jealous. And just lonely. And I wish you could be that way with me but you can't and it would be weird anyway. But part of me longs for that.....yeah.

I'd say all that if I wasn't such a coward

Thank you for caring enough to ask things like that. I mean, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. I really don't.......

I feel like you have abandoned me when I need you to be around. This is new, I actually know what I am feeling.

I needed to see you yesterday, my regular day, not 3 days earlier. And when I did see you 3 days ago, you seemed annoyed!

I just feel bad, you're not around, my good friend isn't around.......I needed someone yesterday and you weren't there. And....I'm annoyed now that I even feel this way.

I now have to wait a whole week still until I see you, and I don't feel like talking to you(like a child having a tantrum), but at the same time really want to.

I know you can't and/or won't, but I need you to hug me and tell me that I DO mean something to you.
To anyone ... but especially to you.
I need the confirmation.
I need you to mother me .... just a little.