[Asiablue]

I am really confused with asking my therapist for help. I called her on Friday because i'd had a bad night and speaking to her helped. But frankly my whole weekend has been quite tough and i struggled not to contact her again. I see her tomorrow so i've managed to get thru it without calling a 2nd time. But it was hard not to call.

I'm scared i become dependent on her help outside of session, that my tolerance for discomfort will be lowered and i'll be more tempted to seek her help or soothing. It's like, if i start letting her help now then i'll open the floodgates to needing her more often. And once that is opened it is very difficult (nearly impossible) for me to get back to a place of autonomy and independence. And if she decided somewhere along the line i need to contact her less, then this will trigger huge rejection and abandonment issues for me and it will just be a sh*tstorm. I'm trying to avoid all that happening, cos frankly, i've been there and got the T-shirt with another T.

I can't decide if i'm denying myself the help she has offered and needing help often will just be a phase and i shouldn't put myself thru the misery of coping alone or if i am quite rightly trying to stay in a place of emotional togetherness, learning to sit with my emotions and deal with them myself.

What is healthy reaching out and what it becoming dependent and needy?

[granite1]

wow this is so well said . it is scary and complicated .it also terrifies me to become dependent on my T and you have so awesomely put words as to why. maybe letting your T handle how dependent you get with her. so far my T has done well with not letting that happen with me.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by granite1

wow this is so well said . it is scary and complicated .it also terrifies me to become dependent on my T and you have so awesomely put words as to why. maybe letting your T handle how dependent you get with her. so far my T has done well with not letting that happen with me.

How has your T managed it?

I feel like i have no medium setting, it is all or nothing. I'm either too needy or too aloof and independent.

[granite1]

I think she has been very strong with upholding her boundaries .I may not always like it and I am still working on feeling safe and that is a big part of it .knowing even If I want to she will not let me get to any point that I will get hurt. things are not perfect at all and I do still panic big time about it because it is just me . but I see strength in her when she refuses to cave in her boundaries but is still there for our next session after I have spent the week pushing against them. and then there are times that all this goes out the door and she is the most horrible person on this earth in my mind

[Asiablue]

it's just so difficult!

[sweepy62]

Sorry asia that you are going through this, its difficult, I know, I didnt call my old t often but i did call her when I needed to, I needed to call her probably more than I called but I held back, instead I wrote down and took it to her the next session.

This new t wants me to call, I am going through alot of stress and i want to call but I am playing the stubborn i dont need you game, because i just had my first session with you last week game. Then again I dont see her again till next week, thats 2 weeks I had to wait.

Your t will understand if you call. I mean therapy requires some kind of dependancy to create the relationship, at least that is what I read, which in a way its kind of unfair in my oppinion.

[Asiablue]

I would be fine if i knew how to call only when i really need to. I'm never sure if i really need it or just want it.

Some dependancy would be ok, but i don't know what "some" is.

[HazelGirl]

I wrestle with this as well. Can you talk to your T about your dependency fears and that you are worried you will end up calling her over every little thing and that she will then take away those privileges? I talked to my T about this very thing and she basically said that I was not difficult and overwhelming for her to handle and that she was completely okay with me contacting her whenever, and that it would not be taken away.

[Asiablue]

I have talked about it with her, i can't remember what she said exactly. She knows my fear of overwhelming her. There are rules in place where i can only call in a crisis... she determines this as when i start to get in a place where i feel awful and i've tried other things to help myself but they aren't helping; then that's when to phone.
It should seem simple. But for me, i dunno i just can't grasp when to call and i can't titrate my neediness, or my emotions and i regularly feel like my emotions are overwhelming me and if i get used to contacting her when i feel like that then i seem to be able to tolerate things less by myself.

[boredporcupine]

I feel like i have no medium setting, it is all or nothing. I'm either too needy or too aloof and independent.

In IFS you could explain this by saying you have a dependent part and a counterdepedent part which are "polarized" with each other. In other words, you have one part which is trying its best to recruit someone to rescue and soothe the parts of you that are hurting, and a different part that is saying "no don't do that, it's a terrible idea, it always turns out badly!" and those two parts are just fighting for control of what you will do. This is why you have no medium setting, because they are fighting and there is nobody to mediate a compromise.

If you keep working on honoring both sides, hopefully eventually you will be able to do what you can to support yourself, AND get support from others and it won't have to be either-or.

[HazelGirl]

I totally get that. I also have no clue most of the time when to consider something a "crisis". My T doesn't really care much if it's a true crisis or not, I don't think. If I feel like I need to talk to her, then it's okay to contact her. Part of my past has been being neglected and ignored, and I think she wants to make sure I don't feel like that in my relationship with her, so she tries to be very available and non-judgmental to me in this regard. I know that doesn't help you, but I guess I would encourage you to contact her when you feel overwhelmed, or maybe make a list of things to try before contacting her? Like a checklist of sorts, and when you have checked everything off and are still feeling anxious or overwhelmed or depressed etc... then contact her.

[feralkittymom]

I agree with granite that you have to let your T assess the situation. Let her keep the boundaries as necessary. Otherwise, you're white-knuckling your way through at the same time avoiding the deeper issues that are causing your needy feelings. I don't know how you learn to respond to your own needs without experiencing them. A good T will respond in such a way to keep you from becoming overwhelmed. That's how it worked for me.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

In IFS you could explain this by saying you have a dependent part and a counterdepedent part which are "polarized" with each other. In other words, you have one part which is trying its best to recruit someone to rescue and soothe the parts of you that are hurting, and a different part that is saying "no don't do that, it's a terrible idea, it always turns out badly!" and those two parts are just fighting for control of what you will do. This is why you have no medium setting, because they are fighting and there is nobody to mediate a compromise.

If you keep working on honoring both sides, hopefully eventually you will be able to do what you can to support yourself, AND get support from others and it won't have to be either-or.

yes that's exactly what it's like. Having separate parts competing.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I agree with granite that you have to let your T assess the situation. Let her keep the boundaries as necessary. Otherwise, you're white-knuckling your way through at the same time avoiding the deeper issues that are causing your needy feelings. I don't know how you learn to respond to your own needs without experiencing them. A good T will respond in such a way to keep you from becoming overwhelmed. That's how it worked for me.

Letting her keep the boundaries is very scary for me. Giving up that kind of control. I just wish i was able to do it for myself.

[feralkittymom]

Seems like keeping the control can also keep you stuck.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Seems like keeping the control can also keep you stuck.

yup.

it's a lose-lose situation.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

yup.

it's a lose-lose situation.

Or maybe you win by giving up control...

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Or maybe you win by giving up control...

Well, that doesn't sound like much fun, does it now?

Originally Posted by Asiablue

yes that's exactly what it's like. Having separate parts competing.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Well, that doesn't sound like much fun, does it now?

Maybe...maybe not...

[Asiablue]

Having no control is when the bad stuff happens. That ***** can get you terminated! And also it just feels really horrible.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Having no control is when the bad stuff happens. That ***** can get you terminated! And also it just feels really horrible.

I don't think a good T would terminate you because she wasn't clear enough on the rules. It's her job to maintain the boundaries. And yep, it feels horrible. But so does a lot of things that are good for you.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't think a good T would terminate you because she wasn't clear enough on the rules. It's her job to maintain the boundaries. And yep, it feels horrible. But so does a lot of things that are good for you.

I hope you're right.

[peaches100]

Asiablue,

Well, I totally understand your concern because I also was terrified to get attached to my t, fearing that my needs would be too much for her, AND THEY WERE.

I wish I could give you good advice, but I don't have any. I can give you a hug though and lots of hope that you and t will find a good way to handle this situation.

Peaches