Problem solving sans T

Because T is so good at getting me to flex my "independence muscle" (only a bit of sarcasm here - okay, maybe more than a bit), I feel like I have potential solutions to both of my problems that I may run by her if she agrees to a phone check in and will simply operationalize things myself if she does not.

Solution to mentor-figure telling me some personal childhood stuff that I'm not sure I was super comfortable with (about her father never allowing her or her siblings any privacy and her mother putting her in a corner for a few hours whenever she didn't want to go to church and her always feeling like a grownup when she was a kid): when I see her on Monday or Tuesday, I will simply ask why she told me this stuff because I have a need for greater transparency in this relationship. Once I understand her motivation, I will be able to make a better judgement about my own comfort level and decide what I'm willing to share with her and what I'm willing for her to share with me.

(T was also helpful with this yesterday; she told me that my feelings of discomfort around this were normal and that she would have felt the same way, and her reaction would probably have been the same, like, "If you're telling me this, a) why, and b) what aren't you telling me?" So this problem is pretty much solved for the moment.)

Solution to mother problem where I ended up getting really angry and bringing up all the stuff she did to me six years ago and she ended up denying it: now that this stuff has been out in the open, we can't just go back to pretending it never happened. The pain is still there, and I need her to hear it. I need to say it to her, even if she will never understand it fully. I want to do a session with me and her and T. I'm sure T will be okay with it; if my mom isn't okay with it, I'm not sure whether this will be a deal breaker or not, but things can't just go back to the way they were. Even if the session doesn't accomplish anything constructive, I need to tell her how I'm feeling in a supportive environment and I need her to hear that pain.

But I also then need to call her either tomorrow or Friday and make up with her, tell her I still love her and want a relationship with her, but we need to talk this out, and we need to talk it out with T. I don't know how I should respond if she's not okay with that, but these are my ideas.

Thoughts?

Also, I hate when T is right about things that don't feel good to me. For example, she said that yesterday I was still in anxiety mode which is why I felt like I needed her to help me problem solve, and once I did some self-care and calmed down a bit, I would be able to figure things out on my own. She was right. I wanted her to help me process things, but I was able to process them myself, calm myself down, and now it really doesn't feel like an emergency and I can totally wait another week to process it with T. I really wanted her to just be there for me, but she is teaching me that I can be there for myself. And I figured out these situations on my own. I am learning self-reliance.

So maybe all this independence stuff she's working on with me is actually a good thing, even if it feels cold to me...

A joint session with you and your mom could be really groundbreaking and helpful.

As far as your mentor, I don't know why her motivation wasn't readily apparent? It seemed she wanted to share with you, get closer to you and maybe relate to you a little? I would be leery about asking and just enjoy the closeness.

I know you are afraid of getting too close, because of your past history, but I also think that being in therapy so long may have made you ... overthink? ... these kinds of things?

I only say so because I had amazingly close mentors whom I was SUPER attached to, and I never questioned them because I didn't even know to question them. It's only now that I'm in therapy that I think about things like *needs* and *boundaries.* I previously never even uttered those two words!

My relationships just were. Without too much thought or digging around in them. They just existed. And they did calm down over time as I naturally progressed to the next stages of life.

I know that I am definitely overthinking this situation with mentor-figure, but I also know that what she told me did not sit well with me, and I have no idea what her intention was - if it was just an innocent thing she might have shared with any other student (which is not what it felt like to me) or if she's inviting me to share super personal things with her (which I don't think is the case either) or if she just for some reason felt like she could trust me with some deep stuff (??? appropriateness?).

Something was just flagging for me with that, and maybe past stuff, but also the fact that I know if her boss had poked his head into her office at that moment, she probably would have stopped herself mid-sentence and turned the discussion back to what we were supposed to be talking about, namely my essay. So I think the best way to feel better about this situation is to ask for clarification. Because the feelings I have been having around that particular disclosure, ex. thinking about her as a hurt little kid and wondering why she was sharing that experience with me, are not particularly comfortable and need to be resolved.

I think maybe I just want to tell her that it upset me to think of her like that. But I would also want to know if she told me because it was a big deal to her (so a trust thing) or if it was just an offhand comment she might have made to anyone and I'm reading way too much into it.

The thing about T is that I didn't need her (she knew that even when I didn't), but I wanted her. I can process things on my own and she knows that, and I know that too most of the time, but I really wanted HER to process things with me. Is wanting that support when I don't need it contravening the point of therapy to begin with, i.e. self-sufficiency?

(I do my best thinking on PC.)

May I ask what you mean by operationalize yourself?
I think you need to set a boundary with your mentor as your mentor is not supposed to be using you as her therapist!
My mom has never come with me to see my therapist. I just deal with her the best I can, and I do talk about her in therapy, with my partner, and in a 12 step recovery group for adult children.

I think this is key. I have to learn to want to rely on others, not because I absolutely have to, but because it's better for me and it helps me feel connected to others.

Operationalize things myself = put my ideas into action on my own.

And re. me being my mentor's therapist, I don't think that's what she's doing, but the issue is that I have no clue what she IS doing, so that's why I feel like I have to ask.

I've been realizing this lately, especially with T but also with mentor-figure, a lot of the time when I feel like I need them, I discover after a few hours that I really don't need them, I just want them. I never go see mentor-figure when I feel like maybe I need her, because that would be setting our relationship up for disaster. Once the urgency is gone, then I allow myself to stop by her office, because then I know I want her but don't need her and I'm in a place where I can respect and be attuned to her comfort level instead of clinging to her.

With T, when I want her but don't need her, I'm learning to not contact her. It's hard. But I can do it.