failing

all i have to do is be honest. just say out loud what hurts but i can't. i trust the psycho police immesly but i don't trust her with this. i don't trust me. i'm afriad to let go of the details. i'm afraid to be ok. talking about what really hurts about the past seems impossible, unspeakable. someone hurts me a long time ago and i can't talk about it. i don't struggle so much with talking to her, i struggle with what i'll be left with after the hour is up. it won't be ok. i control what happens now but i couldn't then so what happens if that happens again? i can't be out of control like that again. i can't say what he did, what i did and why it still hurts now. i don't understand why it still hurts now, it's over.

i guess i'm just having a hard time with the therapy "process" right now. does that mean i'm ready to talk? i'm getting ready to go on a bit of an extended vacation (i'm in the military) and i wonder if that is what's making things in my head want to get out right now. i know how to get them out sometimes i wish i didn't know so much, maybe that would make it easier to take a risk.

I was in therapy with the same therapist for two periods of 9 years each (and 9 years inbetween). It takes time! The process can be very slow; it's not like you're going to wake up one morning and be either "cured" or different/suddenly willing and able to talk about everything. You will get there, "slow and steady wins the race."

(((Sailaway)))

HI, I was in therapy for a yr before I blurted something out...dont be hard on yourself....you will talk when your able...maybe just for now talking about how its difficult to talk will be enought?

((Sailaway))

It sounds to me as if you want very much to get it out before you go on your extended vacation.

It still hurts now, I think, because it isn't over since you are carrying the burden alone. Please share this with her, if you can.

If you tell her right at the beginning of the session you will have the whole session to have her help you deal with how you feel, your reaction. Maybe start right off with "I have something I need to talk about and it is very hard for me."
It will be ok.

Good luck to you.

And thank you so much for your military service.



ECHOES

Hello I hope things are going better for you at this time. It is very hard to let things go when you are to be the strongr person, and not have problems dealing with emotional issues. Journaling may help a bit, but I feel you are trying to move too fast ,and let things go at a level of speed that may not be appropriate, and you are feeling stressed because you are trying to expose too much too soon, and you are not ready to deal with every issue at this time. I feel that you are trying to unload the pain and torment in one quick swoop, and you may need to take things slower, in order to be able to heal, and deal with the issues in a better and a safer manner for your mental health. It is okay to seek therapy for yourself, you are human, and people need more in depth help from thime to time. I also want to leave you the hotline number to call if you get into a crisis 1-800-273-TALK, or if you need to talk to someone in person. Take care I hope the best for you in the future, Happy Holidays sincerely Soidhonia

Time is not on my side right now. I'm headed overseas for a year in January. I've been in therapy for a while now and I just don't want this on my mind when I'm deployed. I don't have a whole lot of faith that it will ever be out of my mind but I would just like to get to a place where it doesn't hurt so much to remember.

Thank you for all of your replies. It really helps to know you aren't so alone.