One year on, Madame T is still my biggest problem.

Madame T is still my biggest problem.

This is ridiculous. I'm likely to lose my job, but that doesn't bother me anywhere near as much. I have a plan for that. I have no plan for Madame T.

But I thought you said that you were no longer seeing her

I understand. Was the same with my 1st t.

I remember when my T first suggested that my engaging in such struggle with my father kept me tied to him. I was furious, of course, because I didn't see where I had any choice but to continue struggling. My feeling was that I wasn't choosing to fight--it was being imposed upon me, and I was defending myself--my survival depended upon it.

It took facing the fear of who I would be and what life would I have if I weren't bonded to him in anger. Could I face the pain that the anger covered and survive? Could I let go of that bond which, though hurtful, was familiar and secure and ultimately, emotionally satisfying? Could I risk either allowing a new bond to form, or accept having no bond?

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I'm not seeing her. That's what I meant by "one year on". Nevertheless, I still post more about her than about Mr T, whom I am seeing weekly.

I guess I sort of see where you are coming from, it has been over a year since I stopped seeing a Therapist who I saw for 4 years but I still think about her ALL the time.

Hey CE. I'm so sorry. It sounds like a terribly uncomfortable mental space. I have had similar intense transference type attachments that took years to abate (though they each eventually did.) Would it be helpful to work on the original loss or insecure attachment that might be the template for your feelings about Madame T? I'm thinking about the mother-shaped hole of which you once wrote so heartbreakingly. Is it possible that in fully mourning that original loss, the intensity of your transference feelings could lessen?

Finally is there anything you do regularly, like maybe a sport or a hobby, that is totally absorbing for you and that gives you a bit of respite from your thoughts of Madame T?

I would imagine feeling the same after leaving my current T. I'm sure I would still be missing her after one year goes by, too. I wish you peace and comfort...

Wait maybe I should clarify...I'm actually not sure if you miss your T or if you are just referring to losing her and the abandonment aspect of it in general? Either way, I would imagine everything still being on my mind after the passing of a year, is what I was getting at.

In my opinion, sometimes the continued fight with an absent party keeps grief and the idea of some impotence, which can be much scarier, away.

It took me five years to get over losing my first t. I remember all the sadness, the wondering about her and our relationship and questioning every session we ever had, mulling so many things over in my mind. It hurt a lot. And i had this ache for her in my heart. I am doing so much better now though- the last year or so, i only think of her once in a while, and the pain can be there sometimes. But it has gotten much less. I really hope it gets better for you too.

Thank you for your compassion. That means a lot to me.

Clearly I have some mourning to do.

Over the years I have transfered my mother-issues to Madame T and it seems perverse to try and transfer them back again. What is the point in moving the pain from one pocket to another?

I don't want to exaggerate the amount of time I spend obsessing about her. But I am angry and sad that she neither filled the hole nor closed it.

She loved me once but I do not think she loves me any more.

That does seem to be what I am doing.

(((CE)))
Wish I could hug you in person.

It took me 6 months to realize the extent to which my ex-T really had hurt me and then another 4 months to get up the courage to meet with her to talk about a few things and stand my ground. Then, another 7 months to write her a letter in which I let her know how she had hurt me and how I had grown thanks to new T and was moving past our time together. After this (i.e., 18 months later), particularly after reading her ridiculous response to my letter, I was over her mostly. For the next 6 months or so, I occasionally would get angry at her for something. But after about 3 years I was completely over her and never think of her.

It takes time - as long as it takes... And that's OK.

If I wrote a letter to Madame T, I'm pretty sure she would not reply.

I think it is despicable that any T would lose a patient without providing some closure.

(((CantExplain))))

I don't know your story-what happened between you and Madame T.
If there's any way for you to get closure, I hope you find it.

You are right, it is despicable. I am sorry that happened to you too...it is a real bear to deal with and i wish it was different.

CantExplain- did your last Therapist actually hurt you (in an emotional way) or did you just think it was time to stop seeing her.

There was an external crisis and she utterly failed to support me. Also she played stupid power games like refusing to tell me her cancellation policy.

The details are scattered over various threads.

Hmmm... Maybe the impending loss of my job is affecting me more than I realise. It's not always easy to match feelings to causes.

CantExplain, I know how you feel. My T hurt me a lot emotionally. I was so attached to her and she created my dependency - under the misguided view that it was what I needed I think. (It possibly would have been with the right therapist!)She frequently invalidated my feelings and 'unsaid' or dismissed my thoughts, feelings and emotions. It was horrendous. But I wouldn't let go of her because of the strong transference and bond and the occasions when she was gentle and compassionate and loving and I always held out for those times - only to be stamped on again before too long of course.

I finally told her (after many years of this rollercoaster) that I wanted to end sessions and maybe just keep in touch via email or something now and then. All hell broke loose. She reacted to this in the most bizarre way and wouldn't give me any gradual termination sessions or closure. So I just had to go.

That was four months ago. I've stayed away from her (apart from one catch up phone call which was fine because I was careful in what I said).

What feralkittymom said is very wise: 'It took facing the fear of who I would be and what life would I have if I weren't bonded to him in anger. Could I face the pain that the anger covered and survive? Could I let go of that bond which, though hurtful, was familiar and secure and ultimately, emotionally satisfying? Could I risk either allowing a new bond to form, or accept having no bond?'

I still have a lot of anger and guess you do too, CantExplain. I think that is due to the fact that the bond with the T was NOT really 'emotionally satisfying'. It may have felt as though it was and we may have longed for it to be something it wasn't. I know for me my anger (that still surfaces now and then) is about that. But feralkitty is right. Letting go of that anger gives us peace and the way forward. With the anger out the way you can sit with the pain and, for me, when I do that with acceptance, something changes.

Easier said than done you're thinking! I see you have a new T and guess that's working well? I wonder if you could do something symbolic either on your own or with your new T helping you. A sort of simple act or 'ceremony' if you like that represents letting go of old T and the hurt and anger. Then know you're bigger and stronger than all that stuff. Acknowledge a part of it is still there. Give it permission to sit there right sized -not all-consuming. Then when it next tries to jump up and get you're attention just smile at it and remind yourself that you've become bigger and stronger.

Take carexx

I think that is due to the fact that the bond with the T was NOT really 'emotionally satisfying'. It may have felt as though it was and we may have longed for it to be something it wasn't. I know for me my anger (that still surfaces now and then) is about that.

Exactly so ^. It's anger about the loss of what never was.

CE, sorry Madame t hurt you so much. Do you think a closing session would give you any closure?
Something happened with my t before and we had major rupture. I drove a long long way to see her and she never showed up. I drove home crying all the way. Later that night I sent her an email saying it hurt and her response was ' it was up to me how I hurt myself over this' some ts are just idiots

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