Debating if I should tell T...

Ok...so I am working with my T weekly.

back on March 2, I was sexually assaulted by a man I had gone out with just a couple of times. i went to his house - which I ended up feeling like it was my fault for allowing it to happen/continue. I went there thinking I would probably have sex with him, but it was horrible and painful, and when I told him it hurt and to be gentler, he wouldn't really listen. When I told him to stop, he would stop briefly and then begin again. It lasted for several hours. It was traumatizing. I was having some flashbacks to it, and I could barely move the next day. I even had some bleeding. I got an emergency appt with my T, and we talked about it. I cut off all contact with the guy. And I am glad. I realize now that I am not at fault for what HE did to me. It's not my fault that HE didn't listen. That he kept going.

Anyway...so I went to a dating website -- because lets face it, I'm lonely, and I want to have a boyfriend. I have been separated from my husband for 20 months now, and he has a woman in his life now...it's like why not me too? Yes, we are still technically married, but he raped me for about a year, and I am not ever going back to him.

So...from this dating site, I met a guy. We've talked. And we have gotten together a couple of times. Last time I saw my T, I told her that I had been talking to a guy. We talked about what I would do differently this time - I said make sure we are always meeting in a public place, not letting him know where I live, not going to his house. Waiting for sex...well...things just kinda happened. He was so gentle and sweet and tender. And we have had sex a couple of times. I did not meet him in a public place. He came over to my house today on his lunch break from work (he works really close by).

I really like this guy...but I also realize I probably should not have had sex with him so soon...but I wanted to. It was really good. And I feel good. I just worry about telling her everything. It wasn't a one night stand sort of thing...we are going to continue seeing each other. I want to - and I want to continue having sex with him.

I suppose it's best for me to just be honest with her on Friday -- that I am seeing him and having sex with him, and that's not going to change. I just am afraid to tell her. She's never judged me...and I know I can trust her...so why is it so hard for me to want to tell her?

Firstly, I'm so sorry about the rapes and assault you have suffered. I'm really glad you realize they are not your fault at all.

Apart from that, I've clipped bits out of your post - it sounds like this relationship with the new man is full of GOOD things! Which is great He sounds very respectful, and you obviously trust him enough to relax and enjoy sex with him. This is wonderful, and I'm sure your therapist will be pleased for you.

The only thing I will say is - if you have a niggling in your head, about what your T might say - are you sure there is no nagging doubt in your own mind about whether this new man is 'too good to be true'? Are there any red flags at all? When I say that I mean things like possessiveness or declarations of love at such an early stage - imo, it can be great to have a good sexual relationship with somebody early on, as long as both of you know where you stand and have genuine mutual respect, but love takes longer, and I would be wary of anyone making a lot of future plans or talking about love very early on. Just my 2 cents though.

I hope it all works out the way you want to and that you feel comfortable discussing it with your T!

Are you expecting that she will be disappointed in some way, and that is making you wonder if you should tell her?

Thanks for the responses indestructiblegirl and unlockingsanity...

No declarations of love or anything. No possessiveness. We aren't making any future plans or anything. Just enjoying being together when we can. Texting back and forth.

I am afraid T will be disappointed in me. I am a Christian...she's a Christian. Expectations are of no sex outside of marriage. Though honestly after all I have been through...I was married for 13 years. When I married him, part of it was because I wanted to have sex with him and I couldn't do it until we were married. And with the exception of my childhood abuse, I had never had any sort of sex before our honeymoon. It really was a big reason I got married when I did...I was only 22 when we married.

After being married for 13 years, going back to a life of celibacy really seems naive for me. I believe I even told her at one point that I wasn't going to get married again just to have sex...and that I wasn't going to NOT have sex at some point. I don't remember if I really did tell her that...or if it was another T that I had.

She has said something about me "recreating my abuse" -- and I don't think this is what I am doing. He even asked me the first time multiple times if I was sure I wanted to have sex with him...and I was sure. Yes, I wanted to. He's been a gentleman to me.

He's not always good about texting me - or responding to me...but he is busy - he works two jobs (he's in the mental health field and one of the jobs is with adolescent boys with substance abuse issues). And he also has his kids sometimes - and when they're with him, he doesn't text at all - though his kids are 4 years old and 8 months old - I don't remember having time to do much of anything when my boys were that little.

So ultimately, I worry that she will think poorly of me.

I am also in grad school right now - and you have to sign a code of conduct - even having him over to my house could get me kicked out of school (though I live off campus and have two children and am a fully grown adult) - not to mention if school officials found out about sex. Not that I think anyone would find out. Telling my T wouldn't risk that since there's the whole confidentiality stuff.

You say you shouldn't of had sex so soon. Perhaps you feel disappointed in yourself and telling her will heighten that sense of disappointment ? Well I say it is what it is and you are as human as the rest of us, with needs and desires, just get it out there and time will tell if it was a good move or not. I hope it works out happily for you, it sounds like it's going well enough.

Thanks Cherubbs. I honestly don't regret it. It was an amazing experience. And I really enjoy being with him. At least I don't think I regret it. I guess it's the part of me that feels like it's "sinful" and "wrong" - the Christian doctrine telling me that. Struggling with NOT feeling bad about it actually -- and thinking maybe there's something wrong with me that I don't feel bad about it. And what will T think that I don't regret it, have no intention to stop having sex with him...that SHE will be disappointed in me. I have a great need for approval...epsecially from those in "authority" over me. If that makes sense.

I can't comment on the Christian aspect as I respect your beliefs and ideas about how to live a good life. However, I find it sad that this relationship with the new guy, which to all intents and purposes sounds very healthy and happy, would be frowned upon when viewed through the Christian frame. The remark about recreating your abuse sounds amazingly crass to my ears, but again, our world views are very different. I believe consensual sex, where you are an enthusiastic participant, is very healthy (and essential for contentment across the span of an adult life, for most of us) and that pleasure is good for you.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from in all aspects. But I'm mostly just glad you have this nice healthy connection and it's going well, you deserve it more than anyone. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Indestructible...it really is difficult...it is making me happy, and I know that many would frown upon it. It makes me sad that I can't share all this with my best friend either. Because when I told her that I wanted to start dating, she reminded me that I am "still married" - I suppose it's good she lives in another state, but it makes me sad because I should be able to share it. I told one of my friends that I had met someone - and it's someone who I have shared a lot with and she's shared a lot with me -- and when I told her we'd had sex, she said "that's really bad boundaries"

Whenever I have worried about telling things to T about what has happened she now tells me it is not about her judging me but rather me judging myself.

Do you think that might be the case here??

nottrustin ~ sure...judging myself because I have expectations of perfection...and everyone around me tells me the "right" thing is to not have sex. Everyone in my life is christian - my recovery group, my counselor, my school, my friends, and obviously my church. So it definitely leads to self judgment.

I hate feeling this way -- I honestly really enjoy being with him, and I feel like it should be ok for me to enjoy it.

I've spent my life being the "good Christian" - the "good girl" and the "good wife" - doing things the "right" way. And I would like to just enjoy myself for once. SO yes, I probably am judging myself...but I also fear judgment from everyone else.

It sounds like you're working overtime not to question your professed values and beliefs. But you know what? It's healthy to question. It's healthy to clarify your own values and feel comfortable with having them differ from those of your community.

Maybe it's time to broaden your community. Maybe it's time to redefine your notion of what it means to be a Christian.

I am not American and have gotten all my post-secondary education in secular institutions so your description of the code of conduct in your graduate program absolutely shocks me. You're 35 or thereabouts and your school is telling you who can and cannot have in your own house? I mean no disrespect and perhaps I shouldn't say this but it sounds like you've just gone from an abusive, controlling relationship with your ex to an abusive controlling grad program that tells you you're bad for being a sexual person and undermines your autonomy to an absolutely appalling degree.

Are you surrounded by judgment and disapproval? It's one thing to discuss what is a healthy pace for a new relationship, it's another to be 35 and have to face moral disapproval from "everyone in your life" for enjoying sex with a consenting adult.

I mean...I don't think everyone will actually judge me...I KNOW that some will.
And yes, I go to a very conservative Christian university. But yes, they have very strict code of conduct. However, I do know that most do not follow it. Even those who live on campus.

I don't know that I am surrounded by judgment and disapproval - I mean, I realize that most people don't need to know about the physical aspect of my relationship, so most will never know. I just know that SOME would judge if they knew.

I understand where you are coming from...and yes if you enjoy the relationship I say go for it...

There will always be people that disagree with you and how you choose to live your life and yes they will judge but unless they have walked in your shoes then they have no say in how you live it.

thanks nottrustin...I appreciate that.
It's true that no one has lived my life or had the exact experiences that I have.
There was a time when I first got married, maybe the first three years of marriage that I didn't feel bad about sex stuff - but it started getting kinda weird with him. And I started feeling used, and like an object with him...which obviously progressed from there.
Since him, I have been with a couple of other men, but always felt guilty or bad -- or it was assault...this is the first time in 10 years I have REALLY enjoyed sex. And have felt good about it.

I have been chatting with my best friend over text and all I told her is that I am seeing someone now, and told her a little about him.

Well, who made anybody the boss of you?? Nobody is really the boss of you, are they? The police kind of are, if you drive over the speed limit or dont pay your rent or whatever. But otherwise, you can choose who you associate with, and you can choose to associate with like-minded people. Thats America.