[KnaveG]

This was my first therapy experience. It lasted for 5 months. Yesterday she terminated me. Let me go back a little. I've had erotic transference for her for about 2 months now. I've told her about it as soon as I noticed it, and she said we would work through it. I've been getting better over the past 2 months, making progress with my initial problems that I came to therapy for in the first place, but these feelings weren't diminishing. We agreed that so long as they don't interfere with our treatment that we will keep working together. 2 weeks ago in our second to last session we made plans to go out and start doing exposure for my anxiety. We were supposed to start yesterday, but then this happened. I came in to session and said that I was feeling down for the past week, thinking about her all the time and that it was pretty bad. She started talking about the possibility of transferring me. I kept quiet because I thought that would probably be for the best. Midway through the session she said that I should think about it and how I don't have to decide right away. Not even 10 minutes after that she says that she is terminating me. It's as if she took advantage of my silence and wanted to see how far she could go. At that moment I woke up and realized what the hell just happened. I tried to talk her out of it, saying how this is just another bump in the road, and how therapy isn't supposed to be a one way road from negativity to positivity. She kept saying how her gut feeling is telling her that even though I can control the transference, in the long run I would be unable to continue making progress. I told her that when that time comes I would personally request an end to our therapy. She wouldn't listen to anything, and said that she has made her decision. This came out of nowhere. I even asked for one more session because I couldn't process this, and she refused. I stayed over 5 minutes, and at that point she told me that I need to pay up and leave because she had other clients waiting. When I went outside there was no one in the waiting room. I started laughing because of how ****ing stupid I felt. I truly love her, and even though she acted a bit unethical, I still can't make myself dislike her. I wish I could, but I can't. I seriously don't understand why I was terminated. If anything the transference was getting better, but of course there will be some bad weeks. What do you guys think?

[HazelGirl]

That was the most horribly unethical termination!!!! I can't believe that!!!! I am so sorry!!!

[UnderRugSwept]

That really was terribly unethical. You deserve some sessions to process the termination for sure, and she also owed you some references. I know it's still so painful, but have you started looking for another T yet? I hope you can find the support you need ASAP.

I am just so sorry. Iw as terminated once out of nowhere too snd i still dont understand why. I am so sorry.please understand its about HER, not about you... You didnt cause this. Its a problem she has that she cant handle, which is terribley sad because she is supposed to be a professional and this transfernce is part of theraph. I am really sorry she treated you so terribly.

[SeekerOfLife]

She did you wrong. She should have given you the benefit of the doubt. She said you could think about it, then changed her mind? That's just wrong. So sorry. I would feel in shock. Myself, I would feel like I could not trust the next T. But, of course, they are not all like that. Hope your hurt gets better.

[LesFleursDuMal]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you
I hope you will find a better therapist, someone who will understand your feelings and will help you dealing with them instead of terminating in such an unethical way... Don't give up !

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by KnaveG

This was my first therapy experience. It lasted for 5 months. Yesterday she terminated me. Let me go back a little. I've had erotic transference for her for about 2 months now. I've told her about it as soon as I noticed it, and she said we would work through it. I've been getting better over the past 2 months, making progress with my initial problems that I came to therapy for in the first place, but these feelings weren't diminishing. We agreed that so long as they don't interfere with our treatment that we will keep working together. 2 weeks ago in our second to last session we made plans to go out and start doing exposure for my anxiety. We were supposed to start yesterday, but then this happened. I came in to session and said that I was feeling down for the past week, thinking about her all the time and that it was pretty bad. She started talking about the possibility of transferring me. I kept quiet because I thought that would probably be for the best. Midway through the session she said that I should think about it and how I don't have to decide right away. Not even 10 minutes after that she says that she is terminating me. It's as if she took advantage of my silence and wanted to see how far she could go. At that moment I woke up and realized what the hell just happened. I tried to talk her out of it, saying how this is just another bump in the road, and how therapy isn't supposed to be a one way road from negativity to positivity. She kept saying how her gut feeling is telling her that even though I can control the transference, in the long run I would be unable to continue making progress. I told her that when that time comes I would personally request an end to our therapy. She wouldn't listen to anything, and said that she has made her decision. This came out of nowhere. I even asked for one more session because I couldn't process this, and she refused. I stayed over 5 minutes, and at that point she told me that I need to pay up and leave because she had other clients waiting. When I went outside there was no one in the waiting room. I started laughing because of how ****ing stupid I felt. I truly love her, and even though she acted a bit unethical, I still can't make myself dislike her. I wish I could, but I can't. I seriously don't understand why I was terminated. If anything the transference was getting better, but of course there will be some bad weeks. What do you guys think?

here in NY falling in love with a treatment provider is called ...attachment....unless the feelings of love is from another source (the love for a past boyfriend, the love for a parent, love for a child) is being put into love with the treatment provider.

example of attachment would be feeling like I want to see my treatment provider, I love how she looks, talks.......

an example of transference here in NY is i didnt get the love from my parents as a child so I want that parental love from my therapist, I want my therapist to be like the partner from my past.....

The reason Im showing the differences in the two here is because where I live and work and my own treatment provider have rules / ethics they have to follow in the two situations...

if the problem is transference (where feelings for someone /an event from the past is being displaced from the past to the therapist) the ethics say that can be worked on, discover why the therapist reminds the person of the past someone or event, work on the unresolved issues from the past that is causing the transference.

If the problem is attachment where the client (or the therapist) is falling in love (which crosses ethics here in NY) there are two options....

the first one is discuss the problem and find out how far the problem has gone, if the treatment provider feels that the client is in a state of mind where they are willing and able to work on the problem and follow the rules and ethics / boundaries set by the treatment provider and agency that the treatment provider works for, then they can continue with treatment.

signs that show the client is not in a good state of mind/unable /unwilling to work on the problem are things like aggressive attitude, silence rather than participating in the discussion, not complying with developing a treatment plan around the problem, not complying when the treatment provider stands by what the agency states must happen (like asking the client to leave because they are not in the right frame of mind or helping to work on discussing and treatment options of this problem.)

the second option is terminating. if the treatment provider feels the situation can not be worked out, or are beginning to get the feeling things could escalate into a dangerous situation they can either schedule termination sessions where their supervisor can be present if needed or immediate termination.

Im sorry that your treatment provider opted for immediate termination but in your post you said she was getting a gut feeling.

try putting yourself in a different situation where you have gotten a gut feeling, sometimes its hard to go against that feeling and sometimes it is for the best, gut feelings are the bodies way of alerting a person that something in the situation isnt right, whether its a gut feeling that the person you just passed on the street was not a safe person to be with or whether its in therapy and the gut feeling shows up for you or a treatment provider.

it may feel like she acted unethical and wrong to you right now but if her ethics and rules are the same as whats here in NY she did what was right...

another way to look at this is what if it was the other way around... you were in therapy and had no feelings for a therapist and that therapist said to you Im falling in love with you. I love you. you would probably say WTF and Im out of here I terminate you as my treatment provider. that happens too.

I have gone through where I have fallen in love with my treatment providers and I have had treatment providers confess their love /desires for me. in the first the treatment provider went with her gut and terminated me because it was something that kept coming up and she felt if I was so in love with her i would not be able to do whats needed to heal from my other problems because I was so focused on my love for her. In the second situation I always went with my gut and terminated when ever a treatment provider confessed or showed they loved/desired me in unethical ways.

my suggestion start looking for another treatment provider who can help you through this and help you feel better for what ever problems took you into therapy to begin with.

[Asiablue]

This is disgusting behaviour on her part. Completely unethical (not just a "little bit" unethical). Transference in completely normal and a competent therapist navigates thru it.
She has the right to make the decision that she can't help you and to suggest a referral but she does not have the right to do that in any manner she pleases. Contact her licensing board and complain.

[unlockingsanity]

What a bunch of bull. Your therapist really acted like a d***.

If there is anything positive to this, perhaps it's that you weren't with her for years before this happened.

[Outcast_of_RGaol]

That really is a horrible thing to have gone through and like the others, I agree 100% that she handled both unethically and unprofessionally!
It really frustrates me when professionals don't act professionally yet still demand the same respect as though they have. In the past I've shot off my big mouth to tell it to them to their face... but that usually just turns into an argument (I'm working on that).
I do hope that you can move past this and not allow it to discourage you from seeking a new therapist.
I also have one question for you... curiousity and O/C features kinda' makes me ask.
You said:

Originally Posted by KnaveG

Midway through the session she said that I should think about it and how I don't have to decide right away. Not even 10 minutes after that she says that she is terminating me.

What happened in that 10 minutes? It seems as though that it was in that time period that she went from being willing to continue to not being willing... did I get that right?
Did you say or do something that she may have either not approved of or misinterpreted?
(Even if you did; her conduct was not only not helpful, it was obviously harmful.)

Anyway, I wish you all the best and glad that you have a place like this to come and get it out into the open!

Wow, she has a lot of her own issues and please understand this is about her and not about you! You did nothing wrong you were completely honest about everything! Her behaviour was grossly unethical and I am so sorry you are left with this now

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[Freewilled]

I had a T do that to me too....and I didn't even tell him about any feelings. I didn't even think I had any toward him (although I suspect parental transference may have been developing looking back on it). I'm sorry - I believe it's very unethical

[brillskep]

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through such a bad termination. It sounds like she got scared, didn't know how to work with you through your transference, and chose the easy (for her!) way out. Most T's I know require the client come in for at least one session dedicated to the termination process and your T didn't offer that even when you asked for it. It sounds totally unprofessional and like she was taking care of herself more than you (in session I mean) and terminating more for her own sake. I agree that a good termination needs to be given the necessary time to process things. Actually, the best Ts I know wouldn't terminate right away in the middle of such intense transference.

On the other hand, it's also true that you don't give much detail about what you were saying to her about the transference. Were you saying or implying anything about acting it out? Even so, even in case you might have done that, her inconsistency and sudden decision to terminate without even talking about it still strikes me as odd and unprofessional.

Just know that there are many good therapists out there. I know it must be very difficult to have gone through this with someone you probably trusted with a rather vulnerable part of yourself, however you could also take this as an opportunity to find a better therapist. I know it doesn't seem to be something positive at all right now and perhaps you don't really feel like trying again, but even if that is the case, in the long run I really think this will have been better for you than if you'd had such an experience later on, with more attachment and vulnerability going on in your therapeutic relationship.

On the bright side, it sounds like you have quite a good grasp on what therapy is ad how you can benefit from it, as well as a healthy attitude about asking for what you need even when things aren't looking well (such as asking for one more session to process it). I wish you the best of luck in finding a great T.

[KnaveG]

First of all, thank you all for your support. A few of you are asking me to elaborate on some parts, so I'll try to do my best.

The transference was pretty bad, but she never mentioned that she wants to transfer me. She always said that it is always a possibility how she might, but that would be only when she believes that she could no longer help me, not because of me. 4 weeks ago she started giving me a depression test at the beginning of session to track my progress. The first week I had a score of 32 which is bad, second week i had 24, third i had 12, and then yesterday I had around 24 again. (Not sure exactly what number because she didn't have her laptop but it was the first week that I went back up, not down). She then asked me what caused the depression to get worse this week, and I told her that I was thinking about her a lot, and that I slept a lot during the day in order to block out the depression. She then started talking about the possibility of transferring. I asked about other possibilities and she said that we could go into exposure of intimacy where I would try to find a GF. I agreed, but she must have not believed me because she kept bringing up transference. She then asked me what I thought about transferring, and I said that my logical side says that it would probably be for the best. After that she gave me the termination paper that I would sign, but she said I could think about it, and don't have to decide right away. I didn't say anything for about 5 minutes and she just kept talking about transferring. She then made the decision by herself and said it would be for the best, and started writing up a referral for another therapist. That's when I woke up and said that I think this is a bad idea. I told her that I can keep my transference in check just like I've been doing, and how I just realized that I was just a client to her because she was really set on terminating me. I said that this made me realize how she only does whats best for me because its her job, not because she loves me. I said how that caring nature could easily be mistaken for love, and how I'm happy and relieved that wasn't the case. She agreed with me, but still wouldn't change her mind. At that point I asked if we could have one more session because I'd like to leave on a good note. She said no because she feels that we are leaving on a good note.

Now this is all very confusing to me. The most confusing thing though is that the session before yesterday's we talked about doing exposure, which we were supposed to start yesterday. If she was thinking of terminating me for a while, I don't think she would suggest starting exposure and moving forward. Something made her change her mind yesterday. Could it really be so simple that it was because I had a bad week, and my depression went up? Did she expect me to keep getting better without any spikes in depression anymore? I don't understand.

I would complain to whoever she is registered with. How awful for you, i hope you can find another T to 1, help you clean up her mess and 2, work on what you were working on with her.

I'm angry for you!

[Mactastic]

I'm sure you're hurting and what she did to you is inexcusable. But...I think maybe you're better off without her. I can't understand how she could treat another human being like that.

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I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Sounds very unethical on her part and that SHE has a lot of issues of her own; I agree with above posters that you're better off w/out her. Inexcusable on her part and it sounds like this is all on her - transference is a natural part of the therapy process and t's are supposed to be trained to deal with it. There ARE good t's out there, mine has been a godsend for me, please don't give up because of this bad apple. you are worth finding a good t!

[amandalouise]

Naveg Im kind of wondering if maybe what you posted before about the situation here played a part in her terminating so quickly. you stated here

http://forums.psychcentral.com/roman...ml#post3603329

that continuing to see her and recieving feedback from her only makes you obsess worse about her.

got to be blunt here but if I did what you posted...made a fake facebook account named after one of my therapists friends and sent my therapist a friend request on facebook my therapist would not only terminate me, she and the friend that I was impersonating would take me to court for identity theft and possibly other problems too.

OCD is a very complicated mental disorder and in most cases there has to be a very firm line especially when the focus of the obsession is the treatment provider and the obsession is bordering on the illegal of possibly stalking and other possible criminal behavior.

my suggestion is maybe you can find another treatment provider that can help you work on your OCD in a safe way and setting that wont make you worse. obviously this treatment provider did not feel she was capable of treating you with where your OCD was taking the two of you.

[Outcast_of_RGaol]

Thanks for elaborating Knave, having more information is better than less... especially in understanding peoples.

I'm still of the mind that she handled the situation poorly and that her actions were unprofessional. She hurt you deeply too it seems... that's the main issue in regard to the terminating process.

Broken relationships are always the hardest thing in life for me and I carry every one of mine with me everyday. And that's not good. I truly understand that you'll be going through a difficult time for a while over this; and this is why I think that what she did and how she handled this situation was more destructive than anything therapeutic. Her actions are going to hold you back from "recovery" for a long, long time... IF you don't force yourself to get back into therapy.

But this is the way that OCD kills us daily; it robs us of the ability to enjoy all the other beautiful things in life while we hyper-focus on certain things. (And those certain can be both important and not so important, regardless of which they might be our inability to switch gears and diversify our attention is the most important issue, imho.)

With that in mind, I hope that you can grieve this loss of relationship and find another T ASAP... even call her office and accept her referral. Regardless of how she handled the situation, perhaps her intentions were well-meant? She was dealing with a difficult situation and fumbled. I would hope that she refers you to either a male or a really unattractive female T (j/j) because the reason that you're going to a T in the first place is to learn how to live a fulfilling life with OCD, right? You need less distractions from that goal, not more.
Furthermore, I believe that the prize of a "happy life" is achievable, for you... not perfect, not 100% bliss every day 24/7... but something much better than hurting all the time.
Please, please, please... get up and find someone to help you through this.

[brillskep]

Thank you for elaborating.

She sounds to me like she didn't really know what she was doing. But that's just me and you're the one who's actually had the experience of therapy with her.

I wonder if maybe she thought that it was for the best because you said so. I mean, you also seemed to be uncertain as to what to do (even though it's not a client's job to have a treatment plan for him/herself). I wonder if you might have sounded more sure of yourself when you said termination might be for the best.

Anyway, even if this is the case, I'm sorry she didn't listen and accompany you through your decision making process. It sounds to me that she made up her own mind, like you said - by herself, and she decided that you were leaving on a good note because she thought so without taking your experience into consideration.

I think it was totally unethical. It sounds like she handled this very badly. I hope you can find someone to help you.

I'm not particularly surprised considering how you really messed with her through FB. That stepped over a line that probably made her question her safety and whether working with you had any possible way of being therapeutic. Sounds like it wasn't something she wanted to do, but saw enough signs that this was not going to work (for either of you).

[MoxieDoxie]

.............and this is why you never, never, never ever TELL them!

[KnaveG]

Thanks for all the replies. I understand why she terminated me, it makes perfect sense. The thing that I don't understand is why she handled it the way she did. We spent the last month making a hierarchy and talking about what we will be doing in the upcoming future in terms of exposure. As soon as we were supposed to put that plan in motion, she decides to transfer me. I would have thought that she would transfer me immediately after the FB incident, and not push forward when all it ended up with was my termination. It seems very experimental, and it ended up as a disaster.

[blur]

while she shouldn't have offered you to think about it and then 10 minutes later make the decision i do think it sounds like she was acting in your best interest to terminate you. you said your depression was worse because of your transference. i think she took that quite seriously and felt the best option was to terminate right away so your depression wouldn't continue to worsen. i was just reading an article about transference and it said the intensity of it can cause real resistance to the therapeutic work. of course that doesn't change the fact that it really hurts to be terminated so abruptly. that can be quite a shock to the system. i am sorry she didn't handle that part better and you are now left to deal with that hurt.