I feel wrong about going to my session tomorrow, is this withdrawing or growth?..

Like I'm going in braced for an argument. And I don't want an unpleasant, difficult conversation. I'm pulling away and feeling distant, and I'm not really bothered at all.

I feel like I've checked out of the therapy relationship, on a level.

We had a phone check in today, and it was fine and pleasant and I told her I was a bit anxious about coming tomorrow, so I thought I was being honest. But afterwards I realized I wasn't really, I was treating her like she was one of my clients at work, using all my skills and charm to carefully present a version of myself to her, not being real or authentic. I am annoyed at her for loads of little things and I really missed her but now accept we can't be close in the relaxed easy way we were before so I've reined my feelings in. So, I called her back and left a voicemail saying this, and then later she texted and said it was good I'd caught myself on it.

Now I don't feel like I really miss her, but I feel distant from her. Is this possibly healthy attachment?? Where I feel like I can talk to her and that she probably isn't going to leave me, but I just don't feel any strong emotional charge (feeling love and being loved) at the idea anymore?

I feel like I loved her, but I was on a hiding to nothing and at the end of the day I love myself more, so I don't want to be close to her. Is that actually a good thing though? It doesn't especially feel like a good thing, more like withdrawing, but I am confused as to what is a defence and what is new healthier thought cycles happening.

Either I'm a bit healthier and stronger and reacting to her change in tone and slight coolness towards me in an appropriate way, or I'm having a nasty bout of maternal transference crossed with projecting my ex-boyfriend onto her. I don't know which it is.

I am getting impatient with therapy now.

Sometimes I fear to trip for staring at my own feet too long, by which I mean to say, sometimes the introspection I do around therapy makes me anxious without always doing too much good, and I'm wondering if you might be suffering from that too at the moment, because you've been through a *lot* with your therapist and in your life lately, and if you just do your best to be honest and wait two weeks to see how you're feeling about it, if you'll have a better chance at perspective than while you're in the midst of a complex, worrisome situation?

Like... give yourself some time to just be, instead of worrying where you are?

I only say that because I find it helpful myself, don't mean to criticize you for worrying. I just find it soooooo easy to worry, and so helpful sometimes to stop, but never easy, lol.

Thank you, Leah, for pointing out that it could all just be impatience and worry on my part. I'm Olympic gold in worrying about my special topics.

But - I am a strong believer in the saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". She is showing me now that we can't see each other as often and that she isn't responding to my inbetween contact as much. I know she's busy. I have such a terrible fear of being taken for a complete fool, though. This feels exactly like what happened with my ex-boyfriend, where he just stopped being in touch as much and became disinterested, but lacked the spine to end the relationship.

Maybe it is just me, maybe I just want to flounce when I'm not getting the attention I want

Awe, no, I definitely encourage you to flounce!!! Actually, I see it in a positive light, not a negative "flouncing" attention-getting way at all. I personally would definitely bring up the shift with my therapist, I would ask her about the lack of contact, I'd probably tell her how it seems to remind me of a pattern of the past relationship with the boyfriend.

I just mean to say..... I'm not sure if it will do you good to assess your relationship right now, or if it might be best to work on it for a bit, just accept where you are, say what you need to say, see how it goes for a bit, and wait to assess it later. Seems like there is a lot that needs to settle first, let the dust clear and see what the scenery is like in a little while...

Thank you, I know you're right. Plus there's no crucial reason to have to work out what it all means in the next twelve hours before I see her

Thank you!!

It sounds like you are making a lot of progress if your therapist was willing to offer you a job. I would be flattered even if it did fall through. Not many people can say their therapist offered them this opportunity. I realize the offer was withdrawn but understand that this withdrawal may not have had anything to do with her as there is a lot of red tape behind dual relationships. If anything, she is guilty of an oversight on the conflict of interest regarding dual relationships. Incase you are internalizing that rejection of the job, please try not to, because you nor your therapist can change the rules of the APA.

Also the " at the end of the day I love myself more" whether it be withdrawal or growth, hold on to it. That's a good feeling to have either way! Your therapist is not suppose to make you dependent on her so she might be pulling back her contact a little due to the progress you are making. Only one way to find out. I would ask how she thinks you are progressing. Good luck

You are doing well, we all have insecurities, but give yourself credit you deserve it, really, whether you realize it or not you have grown in therapy.
I freaked a bit today, my t knew it, I see her weekly, after next week april 2, I wont see her till April 17th, she will be out of town, she knew it created anxiety.
What im saying is , its ok to miss that contact, to, be mad at your t, to want to run away, its ok. We are here to support you anyway we can, by the way im in the usa but I hardly sleep, so feel free to pm lol.

The bit that keeps coming back to haunt me is her telling me forcefully about how my unconscious always is determined to be too much so it drives my behaviour to be too much. Surely that means she actually did find me too much all along, even though I kept asking if I was and she kept saying no. I don't get it. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the thrust of her argument because last week she said I was projecting all over the place. But if she did thinkI was too much I am really resentful - what if I was too harsh on my mother, all because I started to believe I was justified in my pain? Same with my best friendI fell out with before Christmas. I was drawing a boundary, inspired by the validating of my feelings, but what if I was mistaken? What if I've lost two people I love from my life because of encouragement to tune into my stupid feelings?

I can only speak to my experience, which was that I was too much for my mother, and it's something that has played out over a long period with my therapist. She is well aware of this dynamic and has said similar things to me, but with her, I am sure that she means to say I am *afraid* to be too much. She reassures me that I am not, though I push as hard as I can sometimes (not consciously, necessarily) to be too much. So.... perhaps your therapist also doesn't find you too much at all, but is just aware of the dynamic. Also, I think these things are absolutely magnified and much more intense in therapy than outside relationships, at least in my case, so.... it may not bear as heavily on your outside relationships either, may well not have been a case of you being too much at all!

Thank you.

I'm just about to leave for therapy now and I totally don't want to go

I aced a fantastic job interview earlier, and I just wanna stay in my dreamy little bubble of good stuff and not wade into the swamp this afternoon. I don't feel a bit like the hurt vulnerable person I was two days ago, I suspect I am using work as a way of escaping my difficult emotions, because it's insanely exciting and busy and full of hope at the minute.