[Asiablue]

Have any of you processed your feelings surrounding Mother's Day in therapy?
It's Mother's Day in the U.K on Sunday and i'm already feeling sad and anxious about it. Me and my mother have barely spoken in months, our relationship is strained and her actions over the past 25 years are the main reason i am in therapy. Frankly i don't know what i'd be thanking her for if i got her a card and flowers. But at the same time i know she'd be hurt if i don't acknowledge her on the day... so then i think what harm would a card do? But then i feel like it's completely disingenuous and makes me feel a bit sick to just cover up all my pain just to avoid hurting her.

I'm glad i'm seeing my therapist on Saturday. I wish it was sooner. I've actually considered calling her to speak about this sooner but i'm trying really hard to deal with it myself. I'm trying to think what she'd advise.

[Aloneandafraid]

I am struggling with this too. I am a mother but probably won't get anything from my boys who are young teenagers and my husband won't think to do anything for me and I feel exactly the same as you re my mum. However, I have invited her over for afternoon tea(!) and pretend everything is fine. I wanted to process it with T today but other stuff took over and time ran out. I feel uncomfortable every year. Also I buy flowers etc for my husbands mother but she always assumes it is all from him and rarely acknowledges me. I am feeling really raw and down. Sorry.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

I am struggling with this too. I am a mother but probably won't get anything from my boys who are young teenagers and my husband won't think to do anything for me and I feel exactly the same as you re my mum. However, I have invited her over for afternoon tea(!) and pretend everything is fine. I wanted to process it with T today but other stuff took over and time ran out. I feel uncomfortable every year. Also I buy flowers etc for my husbands mother but she always assumes it is all from him and rarely acknowledges me. I am feeling really raw and down. Sorry.

I have contemplated sending her my therapy bill inside a mother's day card lol

[IndestructibleGirl]

Yes. I'm struggling with it too. No contact between us in last six weeks except for one horrific telephone call. Very weird after having lengthy conversations two or three times a week for years.

Sometimes I feel like sending a card saying "Wow! Despite all your neglect I survived!" but I won't. Because I do love her, and though right now I can't ever see us having a relationship where we don't tear strips off each other, a bit of me hopes for a miracle one day.

[Asiablue]

I know, i don't want to deliberately hurt her feelings but i want to be able to acknowledge and respect my own feelings, which are that i don't want to say thank you to her, i don't feel she's been a very good mum especially lately. I want to honor my own feelings and emotions, like i've been encouraged to do my my therapist. But it's that push pull thing, where i'm trying to be emotionally healthy for myself but i still have part of me who would never want to hurt my mothers feelings.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Asiablue, if you usually do send a card, and part of you wants to, perhaps you could find a low key one that just says "Happy Mother's Day" and write something like "Hope you have a great day" inside? Nothing gushing about 'world's best mum' etc?

I am not for one tiny second saying you ought to send one - just if it would be a gesture that would make YOU feel happier? I mean, I'm not bothered about not sending one because we're crap at cards in my family anyway so it doesn't really matter (though I will be sad not to speak to her on the day, I doubt she'll even notice) but if cards are something that you like to do, or have significance in the wider context of your relationship, might be worth considering?

[marmaduke]

I don't like mothers day. All those soppy cards, ugh.
My mother ruined my life, why would I thank her.
I will get a card, without all the sweet, sickly, sentimental claptrap (if I can find one)

I want one that says 'I hope you get the mothers day you deserve mommie dearest'


Or I thought, as a sick joke, I could by the sappiest one in the shop telling her how wonderful she was, as a laugh!

Asiablue
i still have part of me who would never want to hurt my mothers feelings.
Strange ain't it, silly, how worried we are about hurting their feelings when they cared so little about ours.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

I am struggling with this too. I am a mother but probably won't get anything from my boys who are young teenagers and my husband won't think to do anything for me and I feel exactly the same as you re my mum. However, I have invited her over for afternoon tea(!) and pretend everything is fine. I wanted to process it with T today but other stuff took over and time ran out. I feel uncomfortable every year. Also I buy flowers etc for my husbands mother but she always assumes it is all from him and rarely acknowledges me. I am feeling really raw and down. Sorry.

Sorry you are feeling hurt by Mother's Day too, Aloneandafraid Perhaps you could sign the card that goes with the flowers for your MIL so she knows the thought you have put into choosing them for her? That it's not all just from your husband?

[BlessedRhiannon]

I hate Mother's Day, and think it's probably something I'm going to talk to T about when it gets closer. In the US, it's May 11th this year.

I'm usually out of town and busy with my own things on Mother's Day - or at least, I have been for the past few years. The same thing happens for Father's Day. It's partly a conscious choice, and partly just coincidence that certain events out of town fall on those days.

I will out of town and unavailable this Mother's Day. I kinda feel guilty about it, because I know it's an important day for my Mom, but at the same time, I really struggle with celebrating a day that honors her when that's not how I feel a lot of the time. I love my Mom, but we don't have a strong relationship, and I have a lot of resentment towards her for so many things that have happened in the past. I struggle to relate to her. She clings on to me like I'll vanish if she lets go, and it drives me absolutely insane. I feel like I'm not allowed to be my own person - I must be an extension of her. Celebrating Mother's Day feels inauthentic and it feels more like an obligation than something I want to do. I'm never really sure how to handle the holiday.

[feralkittymom]

I don't think it need be an either/or situation. You could send a neutral sort of card and think of it as a "place holder" for the potential future relationship. The "enjoy your special day" sort of card rather than the "Thank you for being my Mom" sort of card. I found it was important in hindsight not to have created opportunities for new pain for me or my parents while I was "in transition." Neutrality was a better option for me. Same with birthdays, etc.

[Asiablue]

i like that approach feralkitty. Not creating future problems. That's a new way to look at it.

[CameraObscura]

Ugh.

I had forgotten Mother's Day was coming (I'm in the US). I don't have any advice, really. I empathize, though.

My mother and I have very superficial, rare social media contact, and that's it. Why should I send her Mother's Day cards when she never wanted to be my mother, and stopped trying when I was ten?

Just ugh.

[Asiablue]

[quote=CameraObscura;3660158]Ugh.

I had forgotten Mother's Day was coming (I'm in the US). I don't have any advice, really. I empathize, though.

My mother and I have very superficial, rare social media contact, and that's it. Why should I send her Mother's Day cards when she never wanted to be my mother, and stopped trying when I was ten?

Just ugh.[/quot

We are at this weird cross roads where we haven't fallen out exactly but because i'm no longer making a lot of effort, neither is she as punishment and probably fear of what i might say to her. It's horrible. And sad. Thru therapy i've changed which is supposed to be good and healthier but in her eyes it just makes me strict and cold.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Sorry you are feeling hurt by Mother's Day too, Aloneandafraid Perhaps you could sign the card that goes with the flowers for your MIL so she knows the thought you have put into choosing them for her? That it's not all just from your husband?

That's a fab idea! I will write it as i will be going to the florist tomorrow. This post has really touched me.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I have contemplated sending her my therapy bill inside a mother's day card lol

Brilliant!

[HealingTimes]

Oh Asia, I totally understand this. Its the same every year, and just reminds me more and more that I don't have a nice Mother.
Every year I try and pick out a card for her and go for the one that is least 'mushy'. I read ones that are like 'you are the best mum' or 'You are my everything' etc...and I try and find the ones that say "You are my Mother, there isn't anything I can do about that".

I just (literally 30mins ago) picked out a card for her that says "It's Mothering Sunday, wishing you the best". It's the best I can do.

Meanwhile, all of my friends are posting about how wonderful their Mums are etc etc....it hurts

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Have any of you processed your feelings surrounding Mother's Day in therapy?
It's Mother's Day in the U.K on Sunday and i'm already feeling sad and anxious about it. Me and my mother have barely spoken in months, our relationship is strained and her actions over the past 25 years are the main reason i am in therapy. Frankly i don't know what i'd be thanking her for if i got her a card and flowers. But at the same time i know she'd be hurt if i don't acknowledge her on the day... so then i think what harm would a card do? But then i feel like it's completely disingenuous and makes me feel a bit sick to just cover up all my pain just to avoid hurting her.

I'm glad i'm seeing my therapist on Saturday. I wish it was sooner. I've actually considered calling her to speak about this sooner but i'm trying really hard to deal with it myself. I'm trying to think what she'd advise.

I solve my issues with feeling like I HAVE to get her a card by getting her a joke one.

My T and I have discussed that we could make a lot of money creating a line of Mother's Day cards for those of us with issues. My suggestion: "It's Mother's Day. Here's your card." on an otherwise blank card.

[RTerroni]

Well I know that my Therapist is a mother, so I will probably wish her a Happy Mother's Day at our session before it.

On a personal note while I am obviously not a mom , a radio station in my area usually holds their annual music festival on that date, so it is always a day that I look forward to.

[Auntie2014]

I have talked with a couple different T's about Mother's Day for a couple different reasons. both of my parents have passed away but often my Dad's birthday would fall on Mother's Day. I also had a major trauma happen on Mother's Day several years ago which is a big PTSD trigger for me. I also can not have children so that hits me when the day rolls around too.

What last T suggested I do has helped the most for me. What she kept telling me at first was "it's just a day". This did nothing to help until she expanded on that by having me go into what I might do on another Sunday and compare it to what I thought I should do on Mother's day. Our later years were a card and an Ice Cream cake so if that is what I miss now that they are gone, I can still go get the cake and celebrate the "good" memories and forget the rest.

Her "it's just a day" words and finding a way to cope through the "day" has been a great tool that I use for many different events now. Just thinking the words or saying them out loud will at least start my mind in a different direction.

I hope this helps some.

[Asiablue]

I know, it is just another day, and it's an outdated tradition perpetuated by commercialism.

I caved in a called my T. I felt stupid for calling about such a silly thing that i really ought to be able to deal with myself. But i'm glad i did speak to her, she helped me separate out all my conflicting thoughts and emotions and see what's most important to me in this decision. There were lots of tears, because this is about me untangling from an unhealthy dynamic with my mother, it's about grieving the loss of her and it's about learning that my feelings need to come first and that i can't be responsible for other people's feelings. It's about learning to look after myself.

My therapist said she'd be there to help me as i go thru this process and there most likely will be a negative fall out from my decisions even if they are the healthy and right decision for me to make. But we'll process it in therapy. She talked about therapy being a form a re-parenting, learning how to parent myself etc. She suggested that i write a letter to my mother (not send it) and bring it in to session to process and help me in the healing process.

This stuff is such heartbreaking work.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I know, it is just another day, and it's an outdated tradition perpetuated by commercialism.

I caved in a called my T. I felt stupid for calling about such a silly thing that i really ought to be able to deal with myself. But i'm glad i did speak to her, she helped me separate out all my conflicting thoughts and emotions and see what's most important to me in this decision. There were lots of tears, because this is about me untangling from an unhealthy dynamic with my mother, it's about grieving the loss of her and it's about learning that my feelings need to come first and that i can be responsible for other people's feelings. It's about learning to look after myself.

My therapist said she'd be there to help me as i go thru this process and there most likely will be a negative fall out from my decisions even if they are the healthy and right decision for me to make. But we'll process it in therapy. She talked about therapy being a form a re-parenting, learning how to parent myself etc. She suggested that i write a letter to my mother (not send it) and bring it in to session to process and help me in the healing process.

This stuff is such heartbreaking work.

Thank you Asia for sharing, this is really deep stuff and very helpful. I wish I had someone to talk to like your T. She sounds so attuned. I am sorry you are having to go through this process. You sound strong. Keep strong. Well done for making that call. Huge hugs.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Thank you Asia for sharing, this is really deep stuff and very helpful. I wish I had someone to talk to like your T. She sounds so attuned. I am sorry you are having to go through this process. You sound strong. Keep strong. Well done for making that call. Huge hugs.

thanks, that means a lot. I think i am getting a bit stronger sometimes. Other time i feel like a neurotic mess lol Although i'm not sure how much of it is strength and how much of it is just literally that i have no place else to go but forwards, upwards... away from what is toxic. I have this real impetus to not fester in a miserable place of self-hate, numbing depression and anxiety. If i stay where i was a few years ago, i know i'd end up dead, and i can't do that, i have people in my life to consider. And now with all this therapy i literally couldn't go back to that place, those unhealthy patterns and family dynamics, be that person if i tried.

But thinking about it, the fact i picked up the phone to my therapist and didn't just suffer in silence is a triumph in itself. 3 months ago i wouldn't have done that.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Asiablue, if you usually do send a card, and part of you wants to, perhaps you could find a low key one that just says "Happy Mother's Day" and write something like "Hope you have a great day" inside? Nothing gushing about 'world's best mum' etc?

I am not for one tiny second saying you ought to send one - just if it would be a gesture that would make YOU feel happier? I mean, I'm not bothered about not sending one because we're crap at cards in my family anyway so it doesn't really matter (though I will be sad not to speak to her on the day, I doubt she'll even notice) but if cards are something that you like to do, or have significance in the wider context of your relationship, might be worth considering?

I struggle with this issue too, for a couple reasons, and have touched on it in therapy, but not really worked it through. I just wanted to add that I also send a generic type card, and it does seem like the best way to balance the reality of the situation (she did feed and shelter me, but there were some horrible problems) and not cause any further angst.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Have any of you processed your feelings surrounding Mother's Day in therapy?
It's Mother's Day in the U.K on Sunday and i'm already feeling sad and anxious about it. Me and my mother have barely spoken in months, our relationship is strained and her actions over the past 25 years are the main reason i am in therapy. Frankly i don't know what i'd be thanking her for if i got her a card and flowers. But at the same time i know she'd be hurt if i don't acknowledge her on the day... so then i think what harm would a card do? But then i feel like it's completely disingenuous and makes me feel a bit sick to just cover up all my pain just to avoid hurting her.

I'm glad i'm seeing my therapist on Saturday. I wish it was sooner. I've actually considered calling her to speak about this sooner but i'm trying really hard to deal with it myself. I'm trying to think what she'd advise.

Different reasons, can't say I've touched the topic in therapy, our mothers day is in may. I'm a mixed bag of emotions, then. Tough feeling grief and accepting it's my special day, too. My dad says his mom was same. She lost her mom at age 16, to d.v.

to you, because it raises inner conflict

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

thanks, that means a lot. I think i am getting a bit stronger sometimes. Other time i feel like a neurotic mess lol Although i'm not sure how much of it is strength and how much of it is just literally that i have no place else to go but forwards, upwards... away from what is toxic. I have this real impetus to not fester in a miserable place of self-hate, numbing depression and anxiety. If i stay where i was a few years ago, i know i'd end up dead, and i can't do that, i have people in my life to consider. And now with all this therapy i literally couldn't go back to that place, those unhealthy patterns and family dynamics, be that person if i tried.

But thinking about it, the fact i picked up the phone to my therapist and didn't just suffer in silence is a triumph in itself. 3 months ago i wouldn't have done that.

Absolutely. Well done. You are amazingly strong and self aware. I am so pleased for you. Keep strong.