Need to be challenged

I had this conversation a lot with my therapist. I want her to challenge me! I don't want her to tiptoe around me or a subject and I want her to ask straight questions and give straight forward feedback. When I started therapy I made it very clear that I was there to work, not for paid compassion.
For the most part it works. But I do feel now that with my health getting worse, that she gets softer, no matter how much I tell her that that is not what I need all the time. She would say things like "You can talk about this but it's up to you, I don't don't to add to all you're dealing with already." Then, I take this as my cue and start talking and she will constantly check in with me if I am ok or whether I need a break. And she looks at me with her puppy eyes full of fondness, sadness and compassion - and it unnerves me and makes me stop talking. And, interestingly, it changes my feelings from being determined to be strong and resilient into feeling sadness and fear of what is to come.

I know she likes me, I know she cares A LOT, I know she wants to help me. And I can understand if some of you think: "Aww, that T sounds so soft and warm and loving, what's wrong with that?" And it's true, she IS soft and warm and I really do like her a lot!

But it's a little frustrating when I feel that even she is treating me like I can't take the truth any more or that I need to be pampered and nurtured and protected all the time. I know my reality, I know my prognosis - I don't need to be reminded of it every time I see my T.
And then, it seems like therapy is turning into a time of mushy, cozy and warm feelings and while I of course am not immune to this part of therapy, I miss the real work. And today, after yesterday's session I feel frustrated and mad at myself for not pushing harder for what I really wanted to talk about.

So what can I do? I told her many times but it seems she always has my prognosis in her mind when she talks to me. And I can see that it is hard for her to put that aside. I will definitely not change therapists now that would make no sense at this point. How can I get her to not treat me like I need to be wrapped in pink cotton wool and have my hand held all the time?

You need to express these feelings to her, the ball is in her court, this is all her, its for her to deal with, she needs to balance out these compassionate feelings and feelings of sadness and helplessness for you and not let those get in the way of the therapeutic frame. Its very thoughtful and kind that she cares for you in that special way, and you are a special client to her, your prognosis is very concerning to her. She seems to have let those feelings get in the way of the therapeutic work.

Not intentionally, but its affecting you, I dont know alot about countertransference but maybe this is what this is, and I dont know if telling her you need her not to treat you like a pink cotton ball and to challenge you will help, I hope it does, but you cant change how people feel about you.

Your t, maybe knew these feelings were developing between you and her, and maybe she should have contacted supervision to deal with them I dont know, its so difficult, because, just by our conversations, you are a lovely person, you have a lot to offer, and I can see where your therapist likes and cares for you.

At this point, you and her should compomise and ask her to challenge you more, not to see you as helpless, but its ok to ask you how you are doing through the session, that is common, my t asks me all the time.

Are you certain that your wanting to do the hard work isn't a defense against feeling the fear and sadness? Perhaps what you're reading as a weakness in her is her attempt to break a defense.

Maybe a conversation you need to have with her is about why you feel a need to do this emotional work at this time in your life. What are you trying to achieve? What benefit does it give to you?

I've never faced any particular threat to my life, but I have lost friends very close to me. My experience of my feelings and theirs as they articulated them at those times was that the past and its issues simply held no emotional importance anymore. What was important was the present moment, as created in the present. And from that, they seemed to derive a peace. And I think I did as well.

I think you hit it right on the head, sweepy! Perhaps a compromise is the answer! I know I can't make her change her emotions, they are there and it is human and I understand. But there must be a way of balancing this with what I need from therapy still, even in my situation. Thank you for your input!!

PS: You are incredibly lovely too!

I think possibly you are defending against feeling grief for yourself at what is to come, and all the waves of sadness and fear that are possible with that. You are amazingly strong and upbeat, Amelia - a life force. But that doesn't mean that you are immune to painful emotions. You are human, you are facing in real-time what I call the paradox of consciousness. Sadness, and yes, fear, are going to be part of the package for us all in that situation, unless something like dementia is unfolding which keeps us oblivious. I have held the hands of two key figures in my family when they went through this; one who had razor-sharp cognitive skills right up until the end. He was an older man, with a very firm faith, he would have said he was ready to die for many years. He still experienced fear at the end, and that was totally okay and we were glad to be able to give him comfort. In ways, that fear allows you to accept the humanity and kindness of others in a way that denying it does not.

I think your therapist is softly trying to make you aware that she is willing to metaphorically 'hold your hand' through all this. That is an amazing gift, and a great honour to both you and her.

I hope my words are not out of turn (this is an area I feel strongly about, so I may have a few blind spots) please tell me if so and I will delete this post.

You are right - there are a lot of things that are not so important to me any more. Some things I know I will not be able to resolve any more and that's fine. But for me specifically, I always was a person who was independent, resilient, strong, stubborn and never wanted to accept victim status. And that's how I want to leave. I want to leave some things behind that I don't care to take into the grave with me. I have this strong desire to be free from certain things before I leave and these things involve some hard work. And I am determined to do this work. But my therapist seems to think I am too fragile now to do this work and it makes me feel weaker than I am. I have said before, if therapy ended right now, I would be fine with it - but not because I am done with my issues, much more because I feel I have grown a lot. But I am not done yet.

Yes, I am sad and I am absolutely terrified at what is to come. I have huge difficulty to let go of this life. And I could talk about how sad I feel and how scared I am all day if I wanted to. But that just wouldn't be me. I need to reach certain goals in my life, I need to know I have done everything I could.. I don't know how much sense that makes..

Not at all are you out of turn. I like you a lot and your input means a lot to me. And I can see what you're saying. I think you are right too, I don't want to grieve, I don't want to be sad and I don't want to feel afraid. Yet I still do and there is nothing I can do about it.
BUT, I also want to feel like the person I am. And giving in into all the sadness and fear is just not like me. I NEED to be strong and I have huge trouble with not being strong. I guess, this might be one of my original issues - I always thought I had to be strong, because in my moments of weakness I was taken advantage of, was hurt and abused. Or, when I allowed myself to be weak, I didn't get the compassion I wanted or needed so I decided that relying on my strength was my way to go.
Perhaps you have a point more than I'd like to admit.
Because I am getting weaker and there is nothing I can do about it. Perhaps that it why I am trying to stay in control of something here. But then again, is that wrong? What can I control still in this situation? Very soon I will have to depend on people to do almost everything for me and I HATE that thought so very much!

Thanks, that definitely makes me think.

your welcome friend, i well get you those pics later lol i fell asleep last night lol.

I thought you had Don't stress, whenever you're ready!

I just want to say - it is very possible to be strong, and still be afraid or sad or whatever. You ARE strong, Amelia! That will never change. You are living through this with a grace and strength that I find truly admirable. You are an inspiration. Experiencing fear and sadness does not take away from the light of strength and love that burns in you

In a different context, I understand the thing about not wanting to be seen as weak if I admitted to being afraid or not coping with my troubles (grief for my late mother, confusion at the death of an abuser, rage at my birth mother, terror at my physical health deteriorating into blindness, primarily). I had great difficulty accepting that it would be ok to acknowledge those fears and senses of loss. I was embarrassed by the idea of letting the world see (and I mean my closest friends, too) me in my pain. But in a beautiful stroke of fortune I have discovered that when I let others (some! a select few, not everyone!) see my pain, it allows our relationship to deepen, the pane of glass between us smashes and we have more real contact, and it allows me to feel cared for in a way I never was with them before.

Amelia, i can't begin to imagine what you are going thru, and i'm sorry you are going thru it all. It makes total sense to me that you want to let go of things that happened in this life, you want to go forward into what's to come unburdened and ready for whatever comes next. I think that's a good aim.

On a practical note, maybe you could agree with your therapist to be vocal about what you want to deal with each day. So she knows whether you need a soft day or a "go at me hard" day. That way you're both on the same page?

That seems frustrating and I feel for ya'.

I think that the death of someone that we care about is sometimes more difficult for the person it that relationship that does not die but is left alone, without their friend.
And it seems to me that your T does care a lot for you.

So if you want some hard hitting psychotherapy perhaps you could find a second T that doesn't really care much for you as a person and simply enjoys figuring out philosophical conundrums?
Perhaps a student with and MA in Philosophy or Theology who's needs some subject-matter for a thesis paper?
Someone like that should be dedicated enough to the science/art to give your issues serious consideration without any of the entangling, emotional baggage that you seem to want to avoid?
GL

I'd definitely just come out and mention it. In the meantime, I have a challenge for you, it is for you to challenge yourself. My T also, annoyingly, let's me guide discussions to a large degree, never asks invasive questions (well, rarely), and kind of seems to allow an elephant in the room to just sit there for months. I've decided I would bring up the difficult things, and I would answer the questions I was mad he was not asking anyways. I just write them down when they come to me, things I'm afraid to discuss. Sometimes I disclose them, sometimes not... Do you think there might be something specific she's avoiding? Are there Q's you're wanting her to ask? I also love being challenged, got a big ego to feed. Actually, I think the little seed of love I have kept for myself that's saved me a thousand times came from a memory of me trying to get over my fear of my parents closet. When I was maybe 6 I was terrified of the dark, and my moms closet which was full of dolls, and I suppose beating implements come to think of it. Somehow on my own I decided I should sit in the closet, close the door and sit there in the dark (when no one was around of course). It was a terrifying prospect at that age, it sounds silly now. I did it to prove who was going to be boss, and when I emerged I was still always a bit anxious about the closet, but I had some courage in knowing I was tougher than normal girls.

i really like what indestructible girl said in both her posts. you can be strong and feel sadness & fear too. it's not an either/or but a both/and. allowing others to care for you in your weakness is a very strong thing to do. it takes great strength. is there hope for remission for your cancer? please forgive me if i am prying and you don't want to answer, but i am not sure what your health situation is.

You're not prying, I have been quite open about it. There is always hope of course, but the medical prognosis is, that remission is not possible any more.
Thank you for your response to this , I like what you wrote about the strength in letting others care. I didn't think about that before.

i am so sorry to hear this amelia. you have an amazingly positive attitude. i am praying for you.