How much do you need your Therapist?

This gives me so much hope! I know i won't be in this place forever, it just feels like it.

Interesting. Imagining that feels like a frightening challenge but also a relief.

She never has any worries about me calling her and we have discussed it many times and she encourages the contact if i feel i need it. It's me that fights with myself over it all.

It always feels scary to reach out and then i feel better at the end of the call. Then I go on with the rest of my week very settled.

Right now I feel like she is such a big part of my life and I can't go that long without seeing her.

For me, I don't really WANT to depend on my therapist too much. I have this saying internalized: 'Don't pray for what you can do yourself' And in my relationship with my therapist it relates to: 'Don't ask her for things you can do yourself'
So when I am in need and I know I can't deal with it by myself, I email her or text her. When I simply want her or miss her, I usually refrain from seeking contact and find ways to deal with it myself.
I think many people would tell me that it is ok to depend on my Therapist a little more. And perhaps it is. But I feel so proud every time I come out of a situation or bad feeling by myself, that it makes it clear to me, I didn't really need her. I would have wanted her, yes. But depending on myself, or people in my life, gives me so much more satisfaction.

But that said, I just had a session that was supposed to be 90 minutes and it turned into more than 2 hours. There is so much that is going on in my life that I really do need her right now and I have no choice but to depend on her at the moment. And that is very hard for me!

But this^ is the rub, isn't it? What exactly is "need" and all the fears surrounding that determination. I sense that you fear your need is bottomless and so struggle with giving in to it. As though it will grow in response? And maybe overwhelm you both? Or that needs are unrecognizable, so you can't trust yourself to know when they're real?

I didn't struggle with much of the push/pull stuff. But there were occasions when my T would ask if I needed ____. And I'd be paralyzed by the question because I didn't know how to perceive something as a need. What does "need" mean? How would I know? "Need" implied all sorts of knowledge and ability to discriminate to me that I just couldn't make sense of. He learned to rephrase his questions to "if I wanted ____" while we worked on understanding needs. He told me that when children's needs go unnoticed or unfulfilled persistently, they respond by suppressing their needs to the extent that they don't learn to recognize them and that creates anxiety.

You complete the task at hand....I would guess a lot....will be getting a new one upon completion of said task....do not know about that one.

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I wish mine was fine with me contacting her between sessions. She won't respond and I need her. She says it's a 'boundary thing' but I find it really hard not be ingle to contact her between sessions. I am allowed to text but she won't reply.

I worry that I am over-dependent because of this need for connection and fear of abandonment. She is literally the only person I have to talk to. She is the only person I have told about the things I am experiencing (emotional abuse, bullying, ed). I just wish she was there for me more than 50 minutes a week.

I worry that I need her more for her rather than the Therapy she is supposed to be providing? I wish I could have unlimited contact for a week and then see how I feel. Maybe it would be good to find a T who would allow me this?

Asia your T sounds awesome. You are very lucky to have this support. I would go with it. It sounds as if you will move through this stage and come out stronger the other end with her.

Thank you for your thread.

I contact my nurse outside of session if I need she is a very good listener, I haven't really thought about contacting my T outside of session.

OMG, exactly... i don't know what is need and what is want. And actually if she said do you want? I could answer that easier.

I am very lucky with the therapist i have. She's pretty much exactly what i need. Even tho she pisses me off on a regular basis lol

Do you think you could find a therapist who better matches your need for outside support?

I used to depend on my t alot, but she let me down too many times by not being responsive enough when I needed the help. It didn't happen very often, but even a few times was devastating to me, especially if I really needed her help sooner. Eventually, I had to reach the point where I forced myself to cope with things more on my own rather than reach out for help between sessions. It was too hard feeling let down again and again.

Maybe it can just become a habit?

Maybe what could become a habit?

Hey you know how I handle it that's super mature, healthy and helpful? Just 'cause I like you Asia, I'll let you in on it:

So what I do is I create a vivid internal dialogue where T is unavailable because she doesn't care about me and actually takes sadistic pleasure in my suffering and then I decide well screw her, I'm not giving her the satisfaction of having me contact her between sessions and ask for help! I'm one step ahead of her because she doesn't get to disappoint me if I never ask! Haha! The joke is so on her! And she has no idea because she's so naive...

See what I did there? I hate needing her, ergo she's evil! Clever, right? I really should write a book. Whaddya think of my working title:

The FJ technique: How to outsmart your therapist and get her back for refusing to be your mother (and lose ten pounds in the process!)

This is the stuff of the NYT bestseller list no? Move over Tuesdays with Morrie!

This was exactly my thought when I started to read this thread.

Lately, though, I think of my situation as impaired ability to regulate closeness and distance with people who I develop an attachment with. I suppressed my needs for so long, it took me like 20 years to figure this out. Also, I never got this closely attached to women, so before therapy, romance/relationships were in the mix...

Maybe it's not so much what is needed vs. what is wanted in my case; maybe it's more like being anxious vs. not anxious. Balance (as you mentioned) would be nice.

Unfortunately, as I recently realized, even if this levels out with one therapist/relationship, it can start right over again. Depending on the other person too, of course.

I'd buy it!

That was me, for sure. Then when all of those repressed needs suddenly got released, it was traumatic for me. I got flooded and almost had a breakdown.

I can't see the inability to recognize them as anxiety. Hopefully I will someday, but I could text my T 100 times a day, and still crave closeness. It seems like an insatiable need, in my case. That's why I sometimes think of it as a "want".

edit: I don't even know if that makes sense-haha

no, it makes total sense.

I can't seem to figure this out either. It's so all-or-nothing with me....I either feel like I *need* therapy or I can take it or leave it. I don't ask for help but I'm constantly fighting the need to tell my T I'm thankful for his help or just how I'm feeling I feel so incredibly childish and it's highly embarrassing to me. I really hate it but I hate very much being stuffed inside emotionally and all alone and confused. Idk.....I guess if my T thinks I'm too dependent he can tell me so. I don't know what else to do

No worries, the Wise Kitten Mother posted on this thread, so she will probably be back to assist.

You calling us feral kittens??

Um - yeah I think feral could probably describe me when it comes to therapy lol

ditto!

A lot. I go through phases where once a week is fine and I don't need to contact her but right now my needs have increased immensely. I feel gross and needy and clingy but I would rather feel those feelings than being depressed and hanging onto the edge of life.

I view therapy and my therapist as "emotional tylenol" and sometimes when you are feeling an increased and frequent amount of pain, you need to take pain medicine more frequently.



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That's a good way to look at it.