Hi All,

Just looking for some advice and support this morning

Lately I feel like the therapeutic relationship with my T has become more hurtful than helpful, and I’m discouraged about my lack of real progress after nearly a year. I’m thinking about leaving - both T and therapy as a whole. In addition to the depression and anxiety that brought me into therapy in the first place, one of my other issues is that I have a hole the size of Texas in my soul related to father issues. I know I am using T to help fill the hole. Except he’s not my father, and the fact that this relationship is impermanent and one-sided becomes more and more obvious and overwhelming by the day. I’ve never, ever talked to T about any kind of transference, and I just can't even though I know it's helped a lot of other people. I don’t even know if it’s transference, because T is really open and sharing and I feel like I like him for him. I simply enjoy being in his presence, and love the care and attention he gives me. It seems like the actual things I’m trying to work on are taking a back-seat to absorbing as much warmth as I can while I’m there. It feels like a drug The sad part is that I have a very loving husband, but what I’m getting from T is something I can’t get from the great relationships in my life – selfless attention, care and support. The support I get from my husband tends to be hit or miss depending on his mood and what kind of day he had at work, but T is always consistent and present.

I have learned some coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety which help some days more than others, and having sessions to look forward to has eased some of my depression. I’ve also been able to open up to T in a really wonderful way, whereas in the past I’ve always been really protective and closed off with people other than immediate family. However, after a session I feel great for about an hour, then get really down that I have to wait another whole week for my therapy fix. So the therapy itself seems to be keeping me going… but again, it’s impermanent which freaks me out. Real progress with anxiety and depression doesn't feel like it should revolve around the T. The between session feelings aren’t really consistent either – sometimes I feel okay and like I've gotten past the T neediness, and other times I feel a huge indescribable ache to be with T. Lately it’s been more ache, and I think about him CONSTANTLY. The rollercoaster called THERAPY has been a real nightmare.

So to summarize it looks like I’m in a crazy dependency situation, and it’s becoming worse instead of better. My anxiety and depression have improved, but now I have an obsession with my T which I didn’t have before, and it’s killing me. I feel like I need a therapist to help me deal with feelings about my therapist, but I’d probably end up using a new therapist to fill some kind of unmet need as well. Very frustrating.

What my gut is telling me is to stop all of this cold turkey. I will feel crappy for a little while, but have a chance of getting T off my mind for good. Maybe read some self-help books? All in all, I feel more damaged now than when I started because of the dependency issues. I could cry about everything.

Some guidance or words of wisdom from those that have been in this longer than I have would be a big help this morning. Telling T about my feelings for him IS NOT an option at this point. I know I’d be too embarrassed to go back, and would worry about being terminated.

Thanks

[pegasus]

Well, I was going to say for you to make sure you are not leaving to run away from your problems. When something big is coming up, the need to run is very strong! I can tell from your writing this is the case! You need to leave therapy when you feel you are done, when you have dealt with what you need to and feel you can cope without T. See? You are not ready yet.

There is a big transference thing going on here and it is all perfectly normal! It is your next hurdle to deal with together!

Originally Posted by pegasus

Well, I was going to say for you to make sure you are not leaving to run away from your problems. When something big is coming up, the need to run is very strong! I can tell from your writing this is the case! You need to leave therapy when you feel you are done, when you have dealt with what you need to and feel you can cope without T. See? You are not ready yet.

There is a big transference thing going on here and it is all perfectly normal! It is your next hurdle to deal with together!

Thanks

What I struggle with all of this is that in the real world, you fall in love with someone... you can't have them... you move on. You distance yourself because you know you can't have them, and you don't torture yourself by talking intimately with them for 50 minutes a week.

It seems like many of us on the board have super strong feelings for our T's (which are REAL relationships, just in a weird form - be it transference or not). They are filling some deep need within us. Or in many cases, not filling us QUITE enough so that we're all left with the pains of wanting more than can be given to us.

Are we all just dangling carrots in front of ourselves, seeing the father we could have had, or the mother, or the friend.. etc. etc?

Has anyone here really been able to work through transference issues, and not been wrecked and devastated when therapy ends?

Sorry, I'm just confused and tired of all this!

[pegasus]

Well, I can tell you that the attachment is essential in my opinion because eventually you'll have your own internal therapist. I know it's hard and feels wrong but what will happen is you will be able to love and support yourself. You won't be devastated when therapy ends, you will feel you are ready. Hugs

[AmysJourney]

My opinion might definitely be a minority opinion, but I want to share anyway.
I am sorry for this pain and confusion you are going through. It sounds maddening and I can imagine a little just how difficult this is.
Yes, there is a lot of transference going on, and perhaps it might be really important to talk to your therapist about it.

BUT, I can also understand your thoughts on perhaps quitting or finding a new T.
And sometimes, just sometimes, that is not the worst option in the world. A lot of people always say that transference is good and helpful. It really is not as easy and black and white as that.
There are definitely times when it is VERY helpful. But there are other times when it is not helpful at all, when it hurts and harms more than it does good and when it interferes completely with the actual issues that made you look for help in the first place. When the therapist becomes an obsession and this obsession is what you pay for but the issue around this obsession is not resolved, it become very thin ice and it can cause immense pain. And worse, when it interferes with spouses, family, friends etc. - it can trap us.

My therapist believes that transference is normal but should not be fed or encouraged. She says that in transference she can learn a lot about the underlying issues of a client, but she can also see how much of a comfort space her office can become, when the client depends on the therapist to fill their needs. After a while the client might become unable to live well without this comfort and when she tries to gently push towards resolution, some clients feel rejection and hurt and feel they left therapy worse than they entered. Not all therapists are equipped to deal with transference in a way that helps the client.

And, not all therapists believe that transference is vital for the healing process, some think it is a side effect of therapy. And like all side effects, sometimes they are worse than the ailment we were hoping to cure with the drug. So with medication, when the side effects become too strong, we change medication. With therapy it's not that easy, but there still needs to be a change in direction.

Perhaps for you, it might be more helpful to have a female therapist and you could work through the feelings you have developed for your therapist?

This might sound weird, but I do believe you are right when you say: " I will feel crappy for a little while, but have a chance of getting T off my mind for good."
Yes, you will feel crap and in pain and you will probably cry a lot, but eventually it won't hurt that much any more and it might open the opportunity again to work on your issues again.
I absolutely do not see this as running away at all. Not all issues have to be dealt with right away, so your father issues can still be dealt with, perhaps in a gentler way.

I have to share another thing my therapist said: "Everybody at one time or another has to deal with a broken heart. But not everyone who has ever had an awfully broken heart, needs therapy to get over it, but they need to have love for themselves and time to heal."

I think what I want to tell you most of all, that I wish you have love for yourself and compassion for yourself. If you can't work through this with your therapist (But I hope you can of course!) then I hope you will make a good decision on what is best for YOU.
You are in so deep with this these feelings, and there is such a thing as being in way to deep to be able to get out without help.

What this help is, is up to you (and perhaps your therapist) to work out. Or perhaps a break from therapy might help. Or a gentle transition to another therapist. Only you know this, Clementine. And I genuinely hope you will get the help and have the courage to ask for help.

[Bill3]

I’ve never, ever talked to T about any kind of transference, and I just can't even though I know it's helped a lot of other people. I don’t even know if it’s transference, because T is really open and sharing and I feel like I like him for him. I simply enjoy being in his presence, and love the care and attention he gives me. It seems like the actual things I’m trying to work on are taking a back-seat to absorbing as much warmth as I can while I’m there. It feels like a drug

You see progress on anxiety and depression but worry about your dependence on T.

I think it would be helpful, and possibly enlightening, to hear T's perspective on your feelings. I know it will be hard, but before you decide to leave, I urge you talk to him about what you wrote here.

Originally Posted by pegasus

Well, I can tell you that the attachment is essential in my opinion because eventually you'll have your own internal therapist. I know it's hard and feels wrong but what will happen is you will be able to love and support yourself. You won't be devasted when therapy ends, you will feel you are ready. Hugs

Is this true for everybody though? Did you experience it personally? I'm not asking in an argumentative way, I'm just curious.

I know there are people on this site who have been in therapy for YEARS and are still struggling with their feelings for their T's. I really don't want to be here in three or five or ten years still obsessing over T and waiting for my next appointment. I'd rather be alone with my face stuffed in a book I don't say this to judge but to emphasize how much I can't stand the way I've been feeling lately. I need to change something if there is no foreseeable end to the madness in sight.

Thanks

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Well, I can tell you that the attachment is essential in my opinion because eventually you'll have your own internal therapist. I know it's hard and feels wrong but what will happen is you will be able to love and support yourself. You won't be devastated when therapy ends, you will feel you are ready. Hugs

Unfortunately, I don't believe this is a universal truth. Often attachment can become a very big problem, a huge obstacle and often even cause the regression of clients and not always is the therapist equipped to gently get the client out of this. I can tell you this out of my own experience.
When I first started therapy I had a strong attachment and very strong transference and huge dependency issues with one of my therapists.

The therapist seemed to think this was good and helpful but the truth is, it wasn't. It made me unable to work, I couldn't think of anything else but my therapist, I counted the days to see her again, my life was the therapist. I lost a lot of money, job opportunities and was depressed.
My therapist tried to help me but she failed. Not because she was a bad therapist, but because my attachment was too strong.

I actually decided to go cold turkey and quit from one day to the other. I thought I would never get over that.
After a couple of months I took up a new job, I thought of her less, I took my life back into my hands and I was OK.

I don't regret it one bit now. On the opposite, I am so very very glad I didn't stay and work through it, I think it would have ruined me.

This attachment was definitely NOT helpful to my progress, it only showed I had some issues that needed to be worked on. But other than that it was more damaging than anything else.
Obsession with a therapist can affect someone's life completely. And if a therapist is not able to work with the client to resolve this, it can leave irreparable damage. I am very certain of that.

I have a great therapist now and I feel attached to her. With her I can gently work through my issues. I like her a lot, but I don't obsess over her. It's a very secure attachment and I believe this kind of attachment is what is helpful, definitely not that obsessive, life-altering, painful, "I-can't-think-about-anything-else" attachment.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

Is this true for everybody though? Did you experience it personally? I'm not asking in an argumentative way, I'm just curious.

I know there are people on this site who have been in therapy for YEARS and are still struggling with their feelings for their T's. I really don't want to be here in three or five or ten years still obsessing over T and waiting for my next appointment. I'd rather be alone with my face stuffed in a book I don't say this to judge but to emphasize how much I can't stand the way I've been feeling lately. I need to change something if there is no foreseeable end to the madness in sight.

Thanks

There won't be a true end to the madness until you find the courage to tell your T the truth. Truth is what clarifies and heals in therapy, and in life. Honoring your feelings, accepting them, sharing them, resolving them.

I'm dealing with attachment in therapy now, and it's hard, but 20 years ago, when I first did it, I had an excellent, healing relationship and did come out of it a 100 times better and have held onto that relationship without talking to her except for one brief message on Facebook in an entire 22 year period. I did therapy as a teen, and just now returned to do some therapy about 20 years later to deal with some new issues. I've been in therapy again now for 14 months.

So, I do believe it's important to deal directly with transference and it's not the same as finding a love interest in real life that's unavailable and leaving. Transference in therapy can be about pinpointing needs and finding ways to meet them as best as possible, but it is also, equally validly, exists the attachment, warmth and support from the therapist that is nurturing. There's nothing wrong with wanting that, and appreciating that, and in time it can settle. How long have you been in therapy?

P.S. If you are, as you mentioned, dealing with the fundamental issue of your father, I hope you'll appreciate that it may take a little time to work through that, including working through your attachment to your therapist. You've seen improvement in your other issues, which is great, and if you're looking at a core issue like that, it deserves some patience and kindness as you work through it. You may decide the payoff is not worth it, and that's entirely your prerogative, but I don't think you're being fair to yourself if you don't share about this important issue with your T. I know it's powerful, but.... your feelings can't really hurt you, and sharing often helps defuse them, or at least begin the healing process.

Originally Posted by AmysJourney

My opinion might definitely be a minority opinion, but I want to share anyway.
I am sorry for this pain and confusion you are going through. It sounds maddening and I can imagine a little just how difficult this is.
Yes, there is a lot of transference going on, and perhaps it might be really important to talk to your therapist about it.

BUT, I can also understand your thoughts on perhaps quitting or finding a new T.
And sometimes, just sometimes, that is not the worst option in the world. A lot of people always say that transference is good and helpful. It really is not as easy and black and white as that.
There are definitely times when it is VERY helpful. But there are other times when it is not helpful at all, when it hurts and harms more than it does good and when it interferes completely with the actual issues that made you look for help in the first place. When the therapist becomes an obsession and this obsession is what you pay for but the issue around this obsession is not resolved, it become very thin ice and it can cause immense pain. And worse, when it interferes with spouses, family, friends etc. - it can trap us.

My therapist believes that transference is normal but should not be fed or encouraged. She says that in transference she can learn a lot about the underlying issues of a client, but she can also see how much of a comfort space her office can become, when the client depends on the therapist to fill their needs. After a while the client might become unable to live well without this comfort and when she tries to gently push towards resolution, some clients feel rejection and hurt and feel they left therapy worse than they entered. Not all therapists are equipped to deal with transference in a way that helps the client.

And, not all therapists believe that transference is vital for the healing process, some think it is a side effect of therapy. And like all side effects, sometimes they are worse than the ailment we were hoping to cure with the drug. So with medication, when the side effects become too strong, we change medication. With therapy it's not that easy, but there still needs to be a change in direction.

Perhaps for you, it might be more helpful to have a female therapist and you could work through the feelings you have developed for your therapist?

This might sound weird, but I do believe you are right when you say: " I will feel crappy for a little while, but have a chance of getting T off my mind for good."
Yes, you will feel crap and in pain and you will probably cry a lot, but eventually it won't hurt that much any more and it might open the opportunity again to work on your issues again.
I absolutely do not see this as running away at all. Not all issues have to be dealt with right away, so your father issues can still be dealt with, perhaps in a gentler way.

I have to share another thing my therapist said: "Everybody at one time or another has to deal with a broken heart. But not everyone who has ever had an awfully broken heart, needs therapy to get over it, but they need to have love for themselves and time to heal."

I think what I want to tell you most of all, that I wish you have love for yourself and compassion for yourself. If you can't work through this with your therapist (But I hope you can of course!) then I hope you will make a good decision on what is best for YOU.
You are in so deep with this these feelings, and there is such a thing as being in way to deep to be able to get out without help.

What this help is, is up to you (and perhaps your therapist) to work out. Or perhaps a break from therapy might help. Or a gentle transition to another therapist. Only you know this, Clementine. And I genuinely hope you will get the help and have the courage to ask for help.

Thank you thank you thank you Amelia for your thoughtful, honest post. I cried reading it. I think I need to spend a little more time figuring out what's best for me, and take things slow.

At the end of the day, I may need another T. One of the confusing things is that this T resembles my father in so many ways... similar interests and hobbies, similar clothing, same build, a similar presence... but without all the harmful qualities of my father. I didn't seek out someone like this - it was purely coincidental. But I think it's making things really confusing for me, because I don't think I could find another T that so strongly reminded me of my father if I tried. I should have run away screaming at the first meeting, but I never knew about transference or what could happen.

Anyway, thanks again.

[HazelGirl]

You need to bring this up with your T. It's so common and he will be able to handle it and help you through this. He can't help you if you aren't honest with how you're doing.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

Is this true for everybody though? Did you experience it personally? I'm not asking in an argumentative way, I'm just curious.

I know there are people on this site who have been in therapy for YEARS and are still struggling with their feelings for their T's. I really don't want to be here in three or five or ten years still obsessing over T and waiting for my next appointment. I'd rather be alone with my face stuffed in a book I don't say this to judge but to emphasize how much I can't stand the way I've been feeling lately. I need to change something if there is no foreseeable end to the madness in sight.

Thanks

I understand completely what you are saying here, and I have experienced the same feelings and identical concerns. In my opinion, the answer really depends on where your relationship with your husband stands. Do you want to work things out with your husband, romantically and otherwise? Or, are you with him for practical reasons (financial, kids, etc..)? If you want a romantic relationship with your husband, if you want your relationship to work, then I think it's very likely your feelings for your T could bring any improvement in your marriage to a halt. I know many people think transference should be worked through with the T, but I believe there are situations sometimes when it just can't be. He may be exhibiting qualities you find attractive that remind you of your dad, and that is a lovely thing. But if those same quailties encourage real attraction for him, then recognizing where they are coming from is not going to make them disappear. If anything, they could make your T even more attractive and perhaps your husband suddenly appear less so...

You've already articulated a veru good point: this can happen a lot IRL situations, like at work. But in that scenario we do what we can to distance ourselves from the temptation. But therapy doesn't let that happen and really can encourage it. So, it's possible a frank discussion with your T could help, if you feel comfortable with it. You never know how the T will respond - it really depends on the t and their training. I've read many posts about this and some of the responses from therapists are pretty surprising. Like Amy said, not all Ts (in fact I think a lot) are not well equipped on how to handle erotic transference. Some are flattered and may enjoy or encourage it, while others might be dismissive and avoid the conversation.

In my own situation, it was initially very painful and I think was messing me up. I considered terminating a couple of years ago, but when I began dating someone I seemed to gain control. That ended and my feelings heated up again but I was able to see it from a more objective perspective- I wanted attention from a guy basically. I saw my pdoc initially becuase my husband moved out to be with another woman. Before he left my H was borderline emotionally abusive- spent no time with me and our 3 small kids, went out every weekend but when I wanted to join him just laughed and said no. the kids would ask me why Daddy hated me and why he didn't want to spend time with them. This treatmen went on for about 2 years, so not too long. Still, I was so passive and depressed (a lifelong affliction along with social anxiety) that it was almost unbearable. Once he was gone, of course things with the otehr woman didn't work out and he wanted back. My pdoc helped me so much in gaining confidence to say "No". But financially it was a necessity, so eventually we went to counselling and he moved back. He has tried hard to be a better husband and father, but still, the romance is nonexistant. Otherwise we've grown and the relationship is much better otherwise (more like friendship than marriage). Still it is hard for me to tell if my romantic feelings didn't return becuase of my feelings for my pdoc or because my feelings for my H simply changed due to his being such a jerk. Given the situation, I think many women in the same boat would be less than enthusiastic...

In your case, if the desire for your husband was normal but began dwindling once you started falling for your therapist, then I think you could think about leaving. Especially if you don't think you could handle the discussion. If you can't talk about it with him I don't know how you'll resolve your feelings, since I double they will just go away.

[Leah123]

P.S. You may want to clarify what you mean by madness? If you were to lose your job and you attribute that purely to obsession with the therapist well that's an entirely different and problematic level of mental illness. If you can't pay the bills, pay attention at all to your family, or are hurting yourself because of all the emotional upset, then I would be more concerned. If by "madness" you mean feeling upset and preoccupied then, I'd feel very comfortable saying that can be worked through.

Also, you know, there are skills to deal with emotional overhwelm. I've found they help a lot when the intensity level is much too high for comfort. Your T can probably help you with that, or there are online resources or books too.

[Aloneandafraid]

This made me shed a tear too. Thank you for being so honest and sharing with us. It makes me feel and little less alone - and although I hate that you are in pain - it makes me realise that other people are going through something similar. It is good to share and support each other. I'm a mess. Saw T today and have so many feelings and disappointments rolling around. Transference is so painful and confusing.

[Lauliza]

I will add that I did eventually bring it up with my pdoc. In a cryptic way of course, since like you, I was too embarrassed to be more direct. I phrased it that I was attracted to a man I could not become involved with, was concerned and didn't know if I should talk to him about it. My pdoc asked me what I'd want to get out of the conversation - did I want to stop talking to this person? I told him no, I just was afraid I was getting too obsessive about him. He said not to use the word "obsessive", that it has negative connotations. I just like this person, that's all. He pointed out that I was still doing well at work, in school, with my kids. So, I was still functioning normally. I agreed and he told me not to worry so much. He said take it as an opportunity to even flirt a little if I want - It's what keeps up feeling human and alive.

It was really that simple, and I have to say this little conversation really took a weight off my shoulders. Since then I've been much more open, authentic, and less obsessive about him since.

I'm not saying it will work for you or that your T would even take the same approach. But maybe it's worth considering trying baby steps. Bring up something vague about an attraction you have for an unavailable man and how it seems to be on your mind a lot. See if he promotes any discussion or not. It could be worth a try, you never know. It did help me though, so there is hope out there.

Feel free to PM me anytime too...

[Crescent Moon]

If your therapist is CBT it might not be a good idea, but most other types of therapists understand transference. If I were you, I'd talk to him about it. The fact that you have transference like that is really significant. I think that if you just abruptly stop, you might continue on with unresolved issues that interfere with your life. I had big time parental transference with my therapist, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. She knew what she was doing, and used it to give me that healthy relationship patterns I should have gotten in the first place.

Not bringing the transference into the therapy might be why you're stuck. But again, if this is a therapist who doesn't "believe" in transference, then you might consider just finding another therapist.

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies. This is truly a special community of people.

I'm not ready to talk to T about transference. I don't have the courage yet, and I'm not sure if I ever will. The conversation seems too huge.

I met with T since I last posted. I've been an emotional mess about other issues going on in my personal life, and as usual T was supportive and I felt held. I know I need T right now. I'm in an incredible amount of pain but the therapy process seems both helpful and hurtful I miss the days I dealt with my problems alone, and didn't have the longing to be taken care of. But for now, I'm just going to continue to hold on and weather the storm

Looking forward to getting to the stable place where I can leave T. I don't know when that will be.

Thanks again all.

[EveningStar2632]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

Hi All,

Just looking for some advice and support this morning

Lately I feel like the therapeutic relationship with my T has become more hurtful than helpful, and I’m discouraged about my lack of real progress after nearly a year. I’m thinking about leaving - both T and therapy as a whole. In addition to the depression and anxiety that brought me into therapy in the first place, one of my other issues is that I have a hole the size of Texas in my soul related to father issues. I know I am using T to help fill the hole. Except he’s not my father, and the fact that this relationship is impermanent and one-sided becomes more and more obvious and overwhelming by the day. I’ve never, ever talked to T about any kind of transference, and I just can't even though I know it's helped a lot of other people. I don’t even know if it’s transference, because T is really open and sharing and I feel like I like him for him. I simply enjoy being in his presence, and love the care and attention he gives me. It seems like the actual things I’m trying to work on are taking a back-seat to absorbing as much warmth as I can while I’m there. It feels like a drug The sad part is that I have a very loving husband, but what I’m getting from T is something I can’t get from the great relationships in my life – selfless attention, care and support. The support I get from my husband tends to be hit or miss depending on his mood and what kind of day he had at work, but T is always consistent and present.

I have learned some coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety which help some days more than others, and having sessions to look forward to has eased some of my depression. I’ve also been able to open up to T in a really wonderful way, whereas in the past I’ve always been really protective and closed off with people other than immediate family. However, after a session I feel great for about an hour, then get really down that I have to wait another whole week for my therapy fix. So the therapy itself seems to be keeping me going… but again, it’s impermanent which freaks me out. Real progress with anxiety and depression doesn't feel like it should revolve around the T. The between session feelings aren’t really consistent either – sometimes I feel okay and like I've gotten past the T neediness, and other times I feel a huge indescribable ache to be with T. Lately it’s been more ache, and I think about him CONSTANTLY. The rollercoaster called THERAPY has been a real nightmare.

So to summarize it looks like I’m in a crazy dependency situation, and it’s becoming worse instead of better. My anxiety and depression have improved, but now I have an obsession with my T which I didn’t have before, and it’s killing me. I feel like I need a therapist to help me deal with feelings about my therapist, but I’d probably end up using a new therapist to fill some kind of unmet need as well. Very frustrating.

What my gut is telling me is to stop all of this cold turkey. I will feel crappy for a little while, but have a chance of getting T off my mind for good. Maybe read some self-help books? All in all, I feel more damaged now than when I started because of the dependency issues. I could cry about everything.

Some guidance or words of wisdom from those that have been in this longer than I have would be a big help this morning. Telling T about my feelings for him IS NOT an option at this point. I know I’d be too embarrassed to go back, and would worry about being terminated.

Thanks

It doesn't sound like you are happy in your current therapy relationship. I don't know what to tell you about the husband part tbh, but I think it sounds like you need to get a new T who can help you resolve this. I'm sorry;( I know it's not a good feeling.

Originally Posted by EveningStar2632

It doesn't sound like you are happy in your current therapy relationship. I don't know what to tell you about the husband part tbh, but I think it sounds like you need to get a new T who can help you resolve this. I'm sorry;( I know it's not a good feeling.

My relationship with my husband, like any other relationship, has its ups and downs. He's wonderful, just busy and absent and times and has his own set of problems. And he's clueless about how to help me. It's not a harmful relationship by any means, but lacking a bit at times. I've been talking through marriage issues in therapy as well. Nothing unsalvagable.

May try to loop in a second T. Still need to decide.