Kinda done with T now.

So this last session didn't go very well. A lot of it was spent in silence, and the parts where we did talk, he was just reiterating the same things he has said in past sessions.

I'll admit I was acting pretty passive-aggressive the majority of the session. He asked me if I wanted good things for my life, like a healthy romantic relationship, or friends, and I basically said, "I don't know. Maybe I don't." In his defense though, he did say that I deserve it, and that he wants to see me happy.

He mentioned how a client of his recently came to a "major breakthrough," and made his day. I was like, "Oh GOOD for her. How awesome."

He asked if somebody said something to me to make me upset that day, and I said no, that I've just been more and more depressed these past couple of weeks, and that I will just have to learn to accept that life sucks. It's safe to say we didn't get anywhere in this session. I could tell he was becoming frustrated with me, although he was trying not to show it.

After the session I sent him a text asking for his e-mail address. I said that I've been doing a bunch of writing lately and I would like someone to share it with. This way he could read my stuff at his own convenience, and I can send him my thoughts with a little more length/meat, instead of blowing up his phone with a desperate one sentence text message.

Needless to say, he hasn't texted back. I realize he went on vacation I guess today, and that's why he had to see me yesterday instead of our usual Friday session. Whatever, though.

He can say I'm pulling away all he wants, but he's still rejecting me. Yet again. I'm sick of it. In a way I'm glad he hasn't responded because now I just feel done. There's nothing to talk about anymore. Maybe he wasn't as good of a guy as I thought he was. Maybe I just let my fantasies catch up with me. Maybe I've just been chasing after a dream that was never even real to begin with. I realize I yearn for the attention of an older adult male more than anything else. But I'm putting this all on him, and it's not right.

So, score settled. He can't give me what I want, and I can't give him what he wants, which is a client who "wants" to change. I'm just done. Screw him.

Okay, rant over.

Sorry this happened hope things get better for you.

You sound really really hurt and vulnerable feeling, and like you wish you had a mind reader therapist so you didn't have to express it all out loud directly to him. I'm sorry it's such a struggle. Hope things go better from here.

Yup. I can relate...I'm sorry. I don't know the answer and sometimes it does feel to me like the T just doesn't understand. I don't want a mind reader but I also don't want to be there *just* so he can feel like a good T...like I have to make progress so he's happy. Well that's just counterproductive!

I hope he writes you back though

Sounds like you're mad at him - do you think it had/has anything to do with him going on vacation? Vacations suck big time and are especially difficult if you have a close bond with your T.

I'm mad at him for a number of reasons, I'll admit. The vacation is just a chip in the iceberg. He is not meeting my needs anymore. He wants me to be healthy, and do healthy things, then okay, howbout this? TEACH ME? It's not that ****ing hard. Yes, I have dependence issues, I'm borderline, etc. So of course I'm attached to him in an unhealthy way. But he needs to realize words are not going to help me alone. He keeps saying I'm the only one that can help me. Okay, if that's so, then maybe I should just stop seeing him and save some ******* money instead. If he's starting to get frustrated, maybe he's just frustrated at himself for not being about to give me the "breakthrough" I need. And that's pathetic.

Yes, I am fuming mad at him. He is an amazing person, though, still. I wonder if me telling him all my feelings completely overwhelmed him and has gotten in the way of our treatment. Fine, then TELL me once again. Communication between us about "issues" just gets constantly pushed under the rug. I'm sick of it.

I feel like I'm grieving a romantic relationship. He may be my therapist, but it still hurts the same way, and the rejection is the same. I love him, yet I hate him.

I'm either going to not show up to any more appointments, and he can bill me and send those to collections, or I'll go one last time just to express my distaste with him, and send myself out the door. I feel like even if I did show up it would still give him the power of, "Oh, poor girl. She's just so sick. Not my problem." Either way he still wins.

This power struggle is something I have always struggled with when breaking up with my romantic partners; I always desire to have the last and final word. Not sure why it's coming out towards him. Wicked transference going on, right????

Sorry..I'm kinda losing it over here.

Yeah its like when my t used to tell me he could either be my boyfriend or my therapist but not both. I was like, omg, did they teach you to say that in t school? Cuz thats a horrible thing to say! Stop saying it! You make it sound like i have a choice, and i dont, so stfu!

Theres a great article in the nytimes in the opinion section yesterday by david something about what a great love affair used to be like. Thats who i see me as. Thats what your avatar looks like. Thats the ideal i hold my t up to. If he has feet of clay, and im pretty sure he does (not to mention toes of fungus) - well, so what.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/02/op...f=opinion&_r=0

Was it this one? I wanna read it, so I looked it up. Hopefully that's right.

And wow, can't believe your T told you that. So was he saying could have been your boyfriend in another time/realm? Or was he just being glib?

Thats the right article.

He wasnt being glib. To him it made sense. I informed him it was the worst thing to say ever. I dont know if he ever saw it my way. When i did finally tell him i wanted him to like me, he just asked, what would that mean? And the expression that came to mind was, then everything would be alright. But that was my mother talking. She saw me as not being able to take care of myself. But i got thru college in 3 years and started working almost immediately and was always able to find a job.

So that was an inaccurate view of me, so that is what i have been mostly been dealing with in t, the familys inaccurate view of my feelings and inaccurate feedback and reinforcement. So the transference in being hot for my t was not really about wanting him, but about wanting to satisfy my mother's directive to get someone to take care of me and make everything alright. It was embarrassing to talk about with him, but it was kind of a bottleneck we had to get past. I see you stuck behind a similar bottleneck, altho i dont know what is causing yours.

If he could be the perfect T for you what would that look like? I think it's important to keep asking yourself and then assessing, could you find a better T somewhere else because if so it could be this one is just not the right fit.

When my T upsets me deeply like this and I wonder what I wanted him to do differently sometimes it's obvious, so in those cases I can just tell him and usually he'll change or explain his side because maybe I misinterpreted him. Other times I will have no clear idea what he could do better, or maybe what I want him to do is something he cant do or is irrational, and when that happens I talk about it if I can because I think it goes back to my issues.

On not wanting to change, I think we all feel like that from time to time. You probably do want to change sometimes, so I would focus on that voice. When things get intense I often wish I could slow them down, it is scary. Deep down though I really do want change because feeling this insecure is very painful and just doesn't seem to improve on it's own. It sucks therapy doesn't work "better" and is as hard as it is, but at the same time I feel like I need therapy so it must be doing something. It does feel like I do most of the work myself, and my T is just there for support & motivation.

I think you're angry for reasons you don't want to realize. His "mistakes" are way too small to be feeling so angry at him. It's either some crazy strong transference or anger because he went on vacation, IMO.

I think what he is trying to say is that you being so dependent and demanding of him won't help you get better. You have to find the strength and willingness within to get better. It's not that he can't or won't give you techniques, it's that you have to be willing to bring problems to him (rather than being passive-aggressive), and be willing to do the things you and he decide together to deal with.

Anger can definitely bring on feelings of anger - it happened to me last week!

Well why doesn't he just tell me this, with words? I feel like I always have to play a guessing game, and I'm assuming he has to do the same with me.

I just don't even know what to talk about with him anymore. What sentence should I start by saying? I'm asking because I'm totally clueless and obviously suck at communication and reading people.

Has he ever asked you what you want to talk about, or what your goals are for therapy? Maybe you could make a list of some specific issues in your life that you want help addressing? Communicating with others, friendships, assertiveness (I'm just throwing things out there, I don't know that these apply to you). If you come prepared with a topic that is a good start. If you don't know where to go from there you can tell him that and ask him what he suggests. Maybe then you can work together...

I think your sessions focus too much on your feelings for him. You end up angry, get passive aggressive. Of course nothing gets accomplished, he can't read your mind or tell you what to do. I think he hopes you'll take a more active approach in your therapy.

He usually starts the session off by asking how my last week was. And then we go from there. It's never on a set issue, just on things that come up, that just so HAPPEN to be issues, over the past week, that have spilled onto the rest of my life. So we do touch on past things, but only when relevant to the present.

And you're right in that my sessions focus too much on my feelings for him. HE doesn't know that, though. These are just thoughts in my head. I don't vocalize them. We talk about other stuff, like what I mentioned above. He never lets me start out a session by talking about what I want to talk about...it's always just an update on how things have been. He never asks me leading questions. Unless I get the courage to vocalize something and start up a whole new topic. I dunno. I hate doing that though. I shouldn't always have to!

Honestly I'm just feeling like my emotional needs are not getting met. I have found the number of a psychodynamic therapist in my area today and am thinking of giving him a call. I'm kinda scared. Basically my seeing my T next Friday all rides on whether he texts me back or not. If he doesn't, I'll see that I really don't matter enough, and I need to find someone who is more willing to not "abandon" me, so to speak.

Because I am being very straight forward with you and most T's are more careful with what they say

Really, start by saying the things you don't want to say. Tell him you're angry at him and list all the reasons why. Tell him exactly what your problems are and exactly why they're bothering you. Don't make him guess. That's a borderline thing, to assume that other people can read your mind or "know what you mean" when you say something. They can't.

I agree with Hazel. I know you don't talk to him about your feelings about him, but they are dominating your thoughts. He can't ask you leading questions if he doesn't get information from you. I know you don't want to but communicating directly about how you feel what you want will gobs you some control over your sessions and will give your t give your t mor insight.