[PeeJay]

Is class, education level, or occupation, an issue for you in your therapy?

If so, how do you deal with it?

Do you see your therapist as above you or as a peer?

Are you intimidated by your therapist in any way?

When does socioeconomic status become a problem issue in therapy?

I'm asking because I know someone who is a hard-working, blue-collar guy and who is starting therapy but who resents and feels intimidated by anyone with a "fancy education," which pretty much means any four-year college degree. I am hoping it does not negatively affect the therapy, but then, I'm not sure how it wouldn't.

I'm hoping that there are therapists out there who can hang and be chill and maybe even dress a bit more casually. I don't think having a bunch of degrees hanging on one's wall would get the relationship off to a good start.

I am intimidated that my therapist has a big support network and a big loving family. So, maybe I deal with this too.

Please do weigh in!

[Asiablue]

hmm, yeah i would say it affects me in how i feel about myself. It would bother me much more if my T was my age with a great education and successful life because it would make me feel like such a failure but that's probably one of the reasons i deliberately sought out an older T.

I did have one T who was pretty well off financially and i felt a bit.... i dunno, less than her or something. But that was my stuff, she didn't make me feel like that.

[Mike_J]

I don't see my therapist as being above me or as a peer, she is a specialist with knowledge and skills that I need. Despite her education the only difference between how I view her professionally and how I view my plumber is I don't see my plumber on a regular basis.

And yes my therapist does intimidate me a bit, she seems so perfect and I feel like such a disaster.

My socioeconomic status comes into play with my ability to pay for therapy, but my therapist has worked with me on this.

[Petra5ed]

No, I'm not intimidated by my therapist. I don't see him as "above me" but I do think he knows more than me, certainly about psychology, and is better adjusted. Also, don't see my T as being super rich... T's don't make a lot of money, unless they are seeing a lot of clients and or publishing stuff which is probably hard to do. In my mind I would guess he is solidly middle class, which basically means poor nowadays.

I think it's a good thing if you think your T knows more than you, actually it's kind of crucial for you to trust their advice and give any crap about what they say. But, I doubt my T remembers much from college at this point, since that was 40 years ago for him LOL .

When I looked for a T I looked for more experience vs. more education. I would highly recommend your friend does the same. Experience is a better indicator of how good someone can be at their job. Psychology is not rocket science, so your friend shouldn't be intimidated. Education is just needed so there isn't some naïve person giving bad advice on account of they don't know what they're talking about. Personally, I think my counselor knows a lot more than most psychologists with drs degrees, but that's probably just the transference talking . Oh, and mine wears jeans...

Hm, maybe your friend would do better with an older therapist? That way they see it as more of wisdom vs fancy pants education!

[Ambra]

I have a good degree, but I happen to live in a country that is greatly affected by the crisis and a very high rate of unemployment so I felt intimidated when I didn't have a job - even though we know 50% of the population is in the same situation. She always pointed out the above things and I could still feel comfortable with her.

I relate to your thinking: I feel "less" at times thinking that she's just a bit older than me and is wealthy (see post about free sessions, lol), married and has probably a great life full of love, people and travels. This is what I assume from what I see.
But now I take it wayyy better and have genuine admiration for my therapist, plus her attitude toward me makes me feel more like a peer and helps a lot.
I'm also aware that my sense of incompleteness and feeling less at times comes from my past of abuse and my feeling stuck in the certainty that I will never be able to have a healthy relationship and make my own loving family.

One thing I have learned over the past year is economic/education status is something we all feel shame about. Every one of us. The guy with the doctorate compares himself to his colleagues that went to "better" schools. The woman at Princeton is ashamed she didn't get a higher gpa or have better connections or didn't have the same family support that the guy who went to state school and lived at home. It isn't your status it is who you are comparing yourself to. They feel exactly the same as you. So if you are comparing yourself to your T, she is comparing herself to someone else. That means she can relate and understand. Hope that helps.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[nottrustin]

I do kind of see T as a peer but that is because I work in the mental health field. I have a bachelors degree but have chosen to be a secretary on a psych unit as the schedule works well for me and my family. She has a secretary that she depends on heavily so she knows how crazy and important my job is. We often discuss our work and such.

She is single and has been for MANY years. I have been married for almost 20 years she frequently mentions how amazed she is because her marriage only lasted a couple of years

[Lauliza]

I could see how this potentially be an issue for some people. That's where the demeanor of the therapist would come into play. My providers office is located in one of the wealthiest towns in the state and is surrounded by other wealthy towns. So this is going to make a difference in the socioeconomic status of the staff and most of the clients.

I am not from the area and do not feel as though I am below my pdoc or T at all, and I don't feel they treat me that way. My psychiatrist is from the Ivy Leagues and looks very much like the clean cut frat type with every hair in place. and this might not appeal to a lot of people, like my husband. My husband works in the corportate world but was brought up in a very blue collar family and this did seem to make a difference in his perception of our one session together. My H said he knew he didn't like him the minute he saw him, which I thuoght was really odd at the time. Clearly his general demeanor/appearance was somehow intimidating, even though he wore khakis and a shirt like every other professional guy out there.

So while I don't think they look down on patients or clients, but it might effect how well they relate to them. And it might effect how less confident clients percieve them.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Is class, education level, or occupation, an issue for you in your therapy?

If so, how do you deal with it?

Do you see your therapist as above you or as a peer?

Are you intimidated by your therapist in any way?

When does socioeconomic status become a problem issue in therapy?

I'm asking because I know someone who is a hard-working, blue-collar guy and who is starting therapy but who resents and feels intimidated by anyone with a "fancy education," which pretty much means any four-year college degree. I am hoping it does not negatively affect the therapy, but then, I'm not sure how it wouldn't.

I'm hoping that there are therapists out there who can hang and be chill and maybe even dress a bit more casually. I don't think having a bunch of degrees hanging on one's wall would get the relationship off to a good start.

I am intimidated that my therapist has a big support network and a big loving family. So, maybe I deal with this too.

Please do weigh in!

Education level has been a chip on my shoulder a long time. I was an excellent student but dropped out of high school due to family/mental health issues. I didn't earn my GED until I was in my 30s when I got it concurrently with my A.A.

However, my therapist has actually inspired me to complete my B.A., so I've taken something that made me uncomfortable and used it. She had a career change in her early 40s, and as a woman in my late 30s going for a degree and career change myself, it helps me feel..... a little less uncomfortable about it and appreciate that it's not too late for such a major change. She has her Master's too, and now I am ITCHING for one.... really want to find a way to earn it in the near future, but have to focus on the 12 months of my B.A. program I have left first and paying it off!

Socioeconomic status was a bit of a problem in therapy too. I paid for so many sessions, she thought I was upper middle class, but I'm definitely middle or lower middle, and so when I tried talking about the financial situation, it was... ugh, difficult, she didn't understand why I'd have to limit things after my initial period of overspending.

I was uncomfortable thinking she was used to a more elaborate lifestyle than me, hearing how much she'd traveled, and honestly... I felt better when I learned her car was like 20 years old and her house was worth not much more than mine.

I'd like to not care, but... I do. Money and status were issues and secrets for me growing up, so it's a process for me to feel comfortable with where I am financially and socially.

[Parley]

I have too many issues to worry about our differences. My therapist is beautiful and I am glad she is doing well. I wouldn't respect her as my therapist if we were in the same class. It helps me with the power dynamics (as odd as that sounds). I will never obtain a PhD but maybe I could finish a degree.

As far as intimidation... I never considered it before but this thread has me thinking and I believe on some level she does intimidate me. Not because of her education, income bracket, or her belongings. I am intimidated because I know I am a powerful woman internally. I see success in many woman but they are a mess. We come in all shapes and sizes. I can't see her mess and I hope I never do. I know she's human but I've put myself on hold long enough. I need stability as I falter and knowing she is has what I need is scary.

[jexa]

Yeah. This makes a difference. I am actually a T in training myself -- from a low SES background -- hooray for scholarships and loans. My peers are (mostly) from high SES backgrounds, and I notice their straight-up lack of knowledge, understanding, and ability to relate to people from blue-collar backgrounds and such. But -- we are being trained to be more sensitive to these issues, to chill out a little bit, to talk to people at their level, to understand how our histories create different stimulus functions for others, to talk openly about this with clients.

I think some therapists are able to learn this, and some are not. Some people are just less aware of their own behavior and its impact on others, whereas some T's are naturally astute at mirroring others in a way that puts them at ease. Also, some therapists, like me, are from a similar background, and so would relate better, despite their personal achievement of a "fancy education."

So, I guess I would say, it's going to be all about fit for your friend. There will be the right therapist for him, and there will be the wrong one. Hope he finds the right one the first time around.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

hmm, yeah i would say it affects me in how i feel about myself. It would bother me much more if my T was my age with a great education and successful life because it would make me feel like such a failure but that's probably one of the reasons i deliberately sought out an older T.

I did have one T who was pretty well off financially and i felt a bit.... i dunno, less than her or something. But that was my stuff, she didn't make me feel like that.

This is why I sought out an older T, too.

My first T came from a family of a lot of privilege. The T even went to a private boarding school. I felt like this T didn't understand a lot of my financial concerns and worries.

I know it was my own jealousy and my own stuff. But, I couldn't get over how this therapist had never had to worry about money and how the therapist's parents paid for the entire education. I felt like the therapist didn't "get me." The therapist had an ivy league education, too.

Originally Posted by Mike_J

I don't see my therapist as being above me or as a peer, she is a specialist with knowledge and skills that I need. Despite her education the only difference between how I view her professionally and how I view my plumber is I don't see my plumber on a regular basis.

And yes my therapist does intimidate me a bit, she seems so perfect and I feel like such a disaster.

My socioeconomic status comes into play with my ability to pay for therapy, but my therapist has worked with me on this.

This is a good way to think about it -- as paying for a service like any other.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

No, I'm not intimidated by my therapist. I don't see him as "above me" but I do think he knows more than me, certainly about psychology, and is better adjusted. Also, don't see my T as being super rich... T's don't make a lot of money, unless they are seeing a lot of clients and or publishing stuff which is probably hard to do. In my mind I would guess he is solidly middle class, which basically means poor nowadays.

I think it's a good thing if you think your T knows more than you, actually it's kind of crucial for you to trust their advice and give any crap about what they say. But, I doubt my T remembers much from college at this point, since that was 40 years ago for him LOL .

When I looked for a T I looked for more experience vs. more education. I would highly recommend your friend does the same. Experience is a better indicator of how good someone can be at their job. Psychology is not rocket science, so your friend shouldn't be intimidated. Education is just needed so there isn't some naïve person giving bad advice on account of they don't know what they're talking about. Personally, I think my counselor knows a lot more than most psychologists with drs degrees, but that's probably just the transference talking . Oh, and mine wears jeans...

Hm, maybe your friend would do better with an older therapist? That way they see it as more of wisdom vs fancy pants education!

Yes, I think this is wise to seek an older therapist, that way it's like talking to a trusted older person.

The problem is, my friend is near retirement age. So, he'd need a therapist in his 70s or 80s!

Originally Posted by Ambra

I have a good degree, but I happen to live in a country that is greatly affected by the crisis and a very high rate of unemployment so I felt intimidated when I didn't have a job - even though we know 50% of the population is in the same situation. She always pointed out the above things and I could still feel comfortable with her.

I relate to your thinking: I feel "less" at times thinking that she's just a bit older than me and is wealthy (see post about free sessions, lol), married and has probably a great life full of love, people and travels. This is what I assume from what I see.

But now I take it wayyy better and have genuine admiration for my therapist, plus her attitude toward me makes me feel more like a peer and helps a lot.
I'm also aware that my sense of incompleteness and feeling less at times comes from my past of abuse and my feeling stuck in the certainty that I will never be able to have a healthy relationship and make my own loving family.

It sounds like your therapist can be real with you, even though she is well traveled.

I hope you do get that relationship and family one day!! You deserve it!

Originally Posted by Michanne

One thing I have learned over the past year is economic/education status is something we all feel shame about. Every one of us. The guy with the doctorate compares himself to his colleagues that went to "better" schools. The woman at Princeton is ashamed she didn't get a higher gpa or have better connections or didn't have the same family support that the guy who went to state school and lived at home. It isn't your status it is who you are comparing yourself to. They feel exactly the same as you. So if you are comparing yourself to your T, she is comparing herself to someone else. That means she can relate and understand. Hope that helps.

I never thought of this before!

That is helpful, thank you!

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I do kind of see T as a peer but that is because I work in the mental health field. I have a bachelors degree but have chosen to be a secretary on a psych unit as the schedule works well for me and my family. She has a secretary that she depends on heavily so she knows how crazy and important my job is. We often discuss our work and such.

She is single and has been for MANY years. I have been married for almost 20 years she frequently mentions how amazed she is because her marriage only lasted a couple of years

Wow, your therapist looks up to you in some ways!

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I could see how this potentially be an issue for some people. That's where the demeanor of the therapist would come into play. My providers office is located in one of the wealthiest towns in the state and is surrounded by other wealthy towns. So this is going to make a difference in the socioeconomic status of the staff and most of the clients.

I am not from the area and do not feel as though I am below my pdoc or T at all, and I don't feel they treat me that way. My psychiatrist is from the Ivy Leagues and looks very much like the clean cut frat type with every hair in place. and this might not appeal to a lot of people, like my husband. My husband works in the corportate world but was brought up in a very blue collar family and this did seem to make a difference in his perception of our one session together. My H said he knew he didn't like him the minute he saw him, which I thuoght was really odd at the time. Clearly his general demeanor/appearance was somehow intimidating, even though he wore khakis and a shirt like every other professional guy out there.

So while I don't think they look down on patients or clients, but it might effect how well they relate to them. And it might effect how less confident clients percieve them.

I wonder if it's even harder for men because society judges them on their achievements even moreso than women.

It's almost like a woman who considers herself as unattractive walks in and sees her husband's therapist, and the woman is smoking hot.

The key is what you said, "how less confident clients perceive them." If you are confident in yourself and in your life choices, you won't get hung up on these issues. But then, I imagine a lot of us in therapy aren't 100% confident in those things!

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by jexa

Yeah. This makes a difference. I am actually a T in training myself -- from a low SES background -- hooray for scholarships and loans. My peers are (mostly) from high SES backgrounds, and I notice their straight-up lack of knowledge, understanding, and ability to relate to people from blue-collar backgrounds and such. But -- we are being trained to be more sensitive to these issues, to chill out a little bit, to talk to people at their level, to understand how our histories create different stimulus functions for others, to talk openly about this with clients.

I think some therapists are able to learn this, and some are not. Some people are just less aware of their own behavior and its impact on others, whereas some T's are naturally astute at mirroring others in a way that puts them at ease. Also, some therapists, like me, are from a similar background, and so would relate better, despite their personal achievement of a "fancy education."

So, I guess I would say, it's going to be all about fit for your friend. There will be the right therapist for him, and there will be the wrong one. Hope he finds the right one the first time around.

I completely agree with this. I think it really depends on experience, history etc. My T has never had a good relationship with her mom (mom is in her 80s T is 64 they still do not have contact) where as I had a bad relationship with my dad. She had to work her butt off to go to college...same with hubby and I. She is a single parent so her income and the income between hubby and I is probably pretty much equal to hers. Nothing great in any form but definitely liveable.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Education level has been a chip on my shoulder a long time. I was an excellent student but dropped out of high school due to family/mental health issues. I didn't earn my GED until I was in my 30s when I got it concurrently with my A.A.

However, my therapist has actually inspired me to complete my B.A., so I've taken something that made me uncomfortable and used it. She had a career change in her early 40s, and as a woman in my late 30s going for a degree and career change myself, it helps me feel..... a little less uncomfortable about it and appreciate that it's not too late for such a major change. She has her Master's too, and now I am ITCHING for one.... really want to find a way to earn it in the near future, but have to focus on the 12 months of my B.A. program I have left first and paying it off!

Socioeconomic status was a bit of a problem in therapy too. I paid for so many sessions, she thought I was upper middle class, but I'm definitely middle or lower middle, and so when I tried talking about the financial situation, it was... ugh, difficult, she didn't understand why I'd have to limit things after my initial period of overspending.

I was uncomfortable thinking she was used to a more elaborate lifestyle than me, hearing how much she'd traveled, and honestly... I felt better when I learned her car was like 20 years old and her house was worth not much more than mine.

I'd like to not care, but... I do. Money and status were issues and secrets for me growing up, so it's a process for me to feel comfortable with where I am financially and socially.

Thank you for being so honest with this!

It's so great how you used your discomfort to get more education. I think that when we are envious, it tells us something.

I'm worried about my friend because, while it is not too late for him to get a degree, but I do think that the obstacles are too great, given his age (60s) and income level and need to support himself through labor.

My friend does physical labor and is experienced enough to move into a management role, but doesn't have enough education to do so.

Money and status are huge for the family I grew up with. The kids were taught that all rich people were crooks and not to be trusted. We were very insecure about what we couldn't afford.

Money complicates all relationships, even therapy, it feels like.

Originally Posted by Parley

I have too many issues to worry about our differences. My therapist is beautiful and I am glad she is doing well. I wouldn't respect her as my therapist if we were in the same class. It helps me with the power dynamics (as odd as that sounds). I will never obtain a PhD but maybe I could finish a degree.

As far as intimidation... I never considered it before but this thread has me thinking and I believe on some level she does intimidate me. Not because of her education, income bracket, or her belongings. I am intimidated because I know I am a powerful woman internally. I see success in many woman but they are a mess. We come in all shapes and sizes. I can't see her mess and I hope I never do. I know she's human but I've put myself on hold long enough. I need stability as I falter and knowing she is has what I need is scary.

This is a beautiful response. I think that especially if we need our therapists to be our rock, we need them to be in a better place than us in several ways!

Originally Posted by jexa

Yeah. This makes a difference. I am actually a T in training myself -- from a low SES background -- hooray for scholarships and loans. My peers are (mostly) from high SES backgrounds, and I notice their straight-up lack of knowledge, understanding, and ability to relate to people from blue-collar backgrounds and such. But -- we are being trained to be more sensitive to these issues, to chill out a little bit, to talk to people at their level, to understand how our histories create different stimulus functions for others, to talk openly about this with clients.

I think some therapists are able to learn this, and some are not. Some people are just less aware of their own behavior and its impact on others, whereas some T's are naturally astute at mirroring others in a way that puts them at ease. Also, some therapists, like me, are from a similar background, and so would relate better, despite their personal achievement of a "fancy education."

So, I guess I would say, it's going to be all about fit for your friend. There will be the right therapist for him, and there will be the wrong one. Hope he finds the right one the first time around.

Thank you for sharing this!!

My friend needs someone who comes from a blue collar background, definitely.

As I said in my reply to Asia, my last therapist and I were matched in terms of income right NOW, but my last therapist had it a lot easier growing up, having an Ivy league education and exclusive boarding school education, and parents who paid for everything.

Whereas, I grew up without a lot of money. This therapist did not get me, ultimately. The therapist thought of me as a peer and I didn't think of us as peers, I thought of myself as still struggling with no safety net.

I don't know if my therapist has been financially secure her entire life, but she is in her 70s and she has so much experience as a therapist that I just think she is comfortable with all types. We talk about class all the time, and my struggle to reconcile my "new world" of educated professionals with my upbringing and family members, who are more crude and sometimes more fun, but a lot more dysfunctional and a lot less self aware about their feelings.

My new therapist got me right away.

I said, "I feel like I was disillusioned, thinking my rich school peers and I were all in the same boat. But then when the recession hit, I was almost homeless and my peers just went home to live with their parents, or their parents paid their rent."

And my therapist said, "Your friends are in stable cruise liners and you're in a row boat, and you're dealing with some really big waves."

That was our third session. I was so relieved. She really got it.

[tealBumblebee]

There is no doubt that economically she is at an advantage; and while I doubt she lives "below her means" - she doesn't appear to be the "show off" type - works most holidays, doesn't take long lavishing trips and has told me how her career is one of the lowest paid so it wouldn't be wise to go in it for the money. Still, I live at home and work part time but she has done everything in her power to show me that it's okay, and eliminate the stresses I have surrounding that and T.

I also see my T as above me educationally because, well, she is. I haven't completed my track yet and only once i've become established in a career, I will consider her my peer in that aspect.

[Perna]

I chose my therapist and paid for my sessions out-of-pocket for 9 years so I guess I feel good enough about my own socioeconomic status that it did not enter our equation. I think problems of these sorts are those of perception and self worth rather than "real" and I believe those can evolve and change.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Is class, education level, or occupation, an issue for you in your therapy?

If so, how do you deal with it?

Do you see your therapist as above you or as a peer?

Are you intimidated by your therapist in any way?

When does socioeconomic status become a problem issue in therapy?

I am not intimidated by my t. We are peers, on a team working together in our eyes.we are both well educated, maybe that helps. I can see how it could be a problem though, for some people.

Yes I am intimidated by T's socio-economic status.

She is high-class, she's on a few boards and she has an advanced degree. I think she has a subtle English accent too.

Then she sits with me for an hour a week and we talk about my loser problems.

I feel intimidated and embarrassed having her deal with my low-level issues.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

This is why I sought out an older T, too.

I wonder if it's even harder for men because society judges them on their achievements even moreso than women.

It's almost like a woman who considers herself as unattractive walks in and sees her husband's therapist, and the woman is smoking hot.

Yes, I could see this being a very big problem. I bet it was in my situation, aside from the prep school/Ivy league stuff, my doctor is smoking hot too!

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Michanne

One thing I have learned over the past year is economic/education status is something we all feel shame about. Every one of us. The guy with the doctorate compares himself to his colleagues that went to "better" schools. The woman at Princeton is ashamed she didn't get a higher gpa or have better connections or didn't have the same family support that the guy who went to state school and lived at home. It isn't your status it is who you are comparing yourself to. They feel exactly the same as you. So if you are comparing yourself to your T, she is comparing herself to someone else. That means she can relate and understand. Hope that helps.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

While this can certainly be true for some, it is not, in my experience, true for all. When I'm in the States, I live in a University town where a large proportion have advanced degrees. There is definitely competition, especially in grad school, but I never felt this sort of shame, nor do I know anyone who has. Comparing oneself to others isn't necessarily a default experience. Nor does having an advanced degree mean one cannot relate to those who don't. My T and I had equal level degrees, and I found him to be extremely secure in his expertise, but also very down to earth. His ability to relate to others came from his sense of security in himself, rather than from a shared experience of being caught up in a cycle of comparison. It's an issue of self-esteem, rather than a fact of life.

[Favorite Jeans]

Funny you should mention it...

I never felt this was an issue for me until this week. I don't generally feel intimidated by T's knowledge or education. I (probably) have more post-secondary education than she does. I don't think of myself as having a lot of intense class issues or a sense of shame or inferiority around my socioeconomic background. But. This week T mentioned that she was going to be working one day less per week (2 days instead of 3) and that she'd be having extra time for herself.

My reaction was really intense and caught me off guard. I got all triggered and felt abandoned even though I currently only see her once a week and that won't change. What really surprised me was my feeling that she was incredibly spoiled. I have no idea what she does in her non-work hours and she may be carrying a very heavy load with respect to family responsibilities, personal illness or something else. My gut says that isn't the case--but what do I know? She is at least ten years from (what I consider to be) retirement age and only started practice as a T about 7 years ago. It is fairly obvious to me that this job is not a major source of income for her family and I don't think she "has to" work. (But nevertheless, T has always been very sensitive about my financial problems, has had lots of empathy about feeling stretched thin and overworked etc)

So basically it triggered a shitload of judgment from me (which I refrained from expressing aloud... my fear of abandonment was more than adequate fodder for the session). I like my work and am privileged in many ways. I am pretty much the sole breadwinner for my family and experience that as very stressful. I can't imagine a situation where work is optional for me and any revenue that I generate is a bonus. I also come from a family where hard work is practically a religion and people do not start to retire until their late sixties or seventies.

So I feel a kind of self-righteous anger about the whole thing. Like seriously, you're abandoning me to play more golf or something? After a mere 7 years in practice you can no longer bear a three day work week? Have you never thought you might be going a little overboard on the self-care?

(Don't worry I fully get the extent to which my feelings about this are irrelevant, I know I shouldn't make assumptions, she doesn't have to justify her personal decisions to anyone--much less me, her life doesn't revolve around my needs etc.)

[sunrise]

I don't think I would associate with someone like my therapist outside of therapy because his personality is too "big," and I would be kind of intimidated. He is an extrovert and I think can be loud and a center of attention in a gathering of friends. I am an introvert. My T has told me he tones himself down for me, which is interesting... He has also told me he is becoming more introverted as he gets older. I just don't tend to associate with those big, bright, bold characters... I like him the way he is with me, just one on one. I have been with him in a group and observed how he is. It is interesting to observe... When I am in a group I can sometimes get nervous and make jokes to amuse people. My T has told me this surprised him, as I am not like that when we are alone.

I don't have issues with socioeconomic status or education. PeeJay, if this is an insurmountable issue for your friend, one option might be to do peer counseling. In community mental health centers there are often peer counseling services.

[A Red Panda]

Unless someone is in an uber-elite level of wealth, I don't consider them above me. More privledged than I am, yes, but not better in any way.

I can get jealous and frustrated with people who've basically had things handed to them, because it is so far beyond my experience. I had to work my butt off for the things that I have. My T actually has a huge school debt (more than mine) and he had his actual education paid by scholarships - he just blew a lot of money on silly things. I told him he was an idiot for doing that, basically. Sure, it made me a bit jealous... but I know how to budget my money better and my debt is smaller despite paying for every single thing by myself. I just try to spin it to see what I gained vs what someone else has gained.

I'm from a working class family. I'm now technically middle-class based on my education and my job. I actually get more frustrated with people who earn more money and have less education than I do - my field doesn't pay very well despite the education level required (well, it pays well, but not when compared with other professions or many jobs that don't require more than highschool!). Someone who has the same or higher education level as me? Good for them!

At the same time... I'm of the firm belief that everyone I meet is better than I am at something - and that I am also better than they are at something.

But my own T? Is a social worker, so we're fairly even in our education levels. He's got things in his life that I don't, and I have things in my life that he doesn't. I don't feel intimidated by him in the slightest - maybe if we were playing sports I would, but not when it comes to his job.

Anyway.... I do believe I've just rambled on, sorry!

I've never felt intimidated by my T. While he has more schooling, it is common for me to work with professionals of varying education levels, so I don't see that as particularly different. In fact, he used to work as a psychologist in my school district, so we have a common experience there.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

While this can certainly be true for some, it is not, in my experience, true for all. When I'm in the States, I live in a University town where a large proportion have advanced degrees. There is definitely competition, especially in grad school, but I never felt this sort of shame, nor do I know anyone who has. Comparing oneself to others isn't necessarily a default experience. Nor does having an advanced degree mean one cannot relate to those who don't. My T and I had equal level degrees, and I found him to be extremely secure in his expertise, but also very down to earth. His ability to relate to others came from his sense of security in himself, rather than from a shared experience of being caught up in a cycle of comparison. It's an issue of self-esteem, rather than a fact of life.

School isn't a requirement. It could be health or parenting (big among women) or money or job or talent or anything at all. I could care less about school. Money, yes if they are in the same bracket and are more successful at managing it but not people in a higher tax bracket. That could be more about health actually or both. I get triggered by people showing their art work because I hold myself back. That would be career. If you live your life without any of that kind of shame at all congratulations. Most people do. One of the characteristics is to hide shame so all those people could experience it at some level and you would never know. Perhaps you intimidate them. Actually I could be in the same room because you are apparently living in the states part time.

Shame is a core emotion that we all share. It isn't a disease. It drives us to seek connection through empathy. Self esteem issues develop because of excessive shame among other things. We all deal with self esteem issues to some degree because we all deal with shame. It is not the same as guilt which drives us to change.

The US culture is about scarcity as in the desire to avoid it. If you live in an are where that is not like that do tell. I have spent short amounts of time in other countries where the US influence is not so prevalent but you have to leave the city. I guarantee you there are other things those people compare.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk