Couch 75

I hope it goes well MKAC . it has got to be so hard and scary. please share how this is going for you . I think it is such a huge move for you and would love to know how it is going ok .

so I went to a gym for the first time today. it isn't one of those big gyms that you go and you are on your own . at most there are only 10 people in the class and two trainers .you also have an individual work out plan. it kicked my but . I am not use to moving .I sit and then sit some more hiding in my house. it is scarey how tight I am and parts of my body that just would not move.

Today I am going to try to post bail for my friend J. (Don't worry, it's his money.) If he does get released, I know he will need a place to stay for a few days. I am OK with letting him sleep on my couch, but I am not going to let him stay past next week. I am also going to set boundaries with him right away about not using me as a therapist and repeatedly ranting about every negative thing that's been on his mind for the past 3 months. I need to take care of myself, and not change my life and plans around to accommodate him. I don't need to take on the stress and negativity. I care about him, but I think it's time for him to grow up and take responsibility for assertively seeking treatment for his PTSD, instead of b*tching about everything. And I'm going to tell him that he is not allowed to use my computer. I know one of the conditions of his bond is that he is not supposed to use or possess any electronic devices with internet access. I'm also going to tell him that if he crosses that line, he will need to leave immediately. I am going to be one tough cookie.

I have a friend who will help me to stand my ground, and I will also see T on Monday and let her know what's going on. And I intend to lean on my PC friends for support (you've been warned)! Love y'all.

Tametc, set up a password on your machine? Good luck.

I know! Ive just been doing some stretching these past few days, cuz its embarrassing that i cant even lift my leg to get on a bike in the gym! Those hamstrings just tighten up, and my bloodsugar goes up up up. The wedding bees website is pretty inspirational, i find. Everybody is young and hopeful and beautiful - life hasnt kicked their behinds yet. And half the girls on there (they did a poll question) have hourglass figures - so THATS who gets engaged? Even tho they are 8 percent of the population??!

Done work going out with my friend tonight and hopefully all will go well.

MKAC - have you thought about what you will do if current (or is he ex?) therapist calls or contacts you?

I like the way you make up your mind and then take action straight away. It's something we have in common.

Big guns this weekend - trying to smoke a huge brisket without effing it up.

And take the modem with you when you leave the house.

You want to be engaged?

Kick him in the balls and run!

I did email him and let him know that if he wanted to say something in response to anything in my email, and he thought it would actually be helpful [as opposed to the extremely unhelpful things he has been saying in session], then he was welcome to call me because I know he does not like email as a form of communication. If not, please don't call. So then he called me to say that I was right and that he really didn't have anything helpful to say and he should not call. Which actually made me laugh out loud. However, we did end up talking about what I see as inconsistencies and he basically said I misunderstood everything he said. So. I do not see how "I love you" can NOT be inconsistent with 'just a client' and that I am not special to him. But whatever. I lost sight of the fact that he is paid to care about me and that I am not the type of person to become special to others. I did not listen to you when you repeatedly warned about how wily and tricky Ts are. So I really just brought this on myself.

I am really REALLY pissed off at myself more than anything else. Quite literally from the time I was in the CRADLE, it has been pounded into me that I am not special, I do not inspire nurturing responses in others, and I am not particularly loveable. I do not know why I cannot learn this lesson and keep ****ing HOPING for something different. I ****ing hate hope. It needs to die.

I was thinking that I would delete parts of this after a little while because the conversation is unique enough that he would recognize it and be able to read other things I have written about him and that would be even more humiliating, but then I realized there is no way he cares enough to even look.

MKAC - I am sorry he hurt you. And, for what it is worth, I don't see you as unloveable or not capable of being special to some others.

MKAC...I know I don't post that often but I wanted to tell you that you are loveable and special AND if people can't or won't see that that is THEIR bad. They are the ones missing out on an honest, caring, straightforward individual. I'm sorry you were hurt by this T and hope you find an excellent new one.

I just wanna be ready for that honeymoon in italy. And anything else i could possibly do with what little time i have left.

Weight watchers has you do 10 percent first. I thought i would do successive 10 percents til im done. I weighed myself today, im down one percent in my first week. Good enuf!

MKAC:

You are special.
I do love you.
I want to take care of you.

You guys are making me teary. Thank you. I appreciate the support.

Wondering if I should go to the gym or not.

Hankster- have you been to Italy?

Yes - i went when i was 20. I stayed with maternal cousins and paternal aunts and uncles. Within 3 days, i was quite fluent.

T says he might go one day, and i offered to be his translator, and this trip has somehow deformed itself into "our honeymoon when we get married". Not really sure what this is about. But i am feeling a little more empowered. The path of yes? maybe my t is just trying to meet me where i am - i wish that was in a better place!

I hate being a crybaby in therapy...UGH!!

((((MKAC))))) Good luck in your search for a T.

Out with my friend and his girlfriend hope all goes well.

Good luck. Hope it turns out great!