Managing your identity

I was talking to my counselor today about the whole issue of trying to get close to people and how I go through this phase when I first meet of being pretty open and not worrying if they like me. . .then that moves into if some people do like me or I like them. . .then I almost have a certain "image" that I think I have to upkeep. Like if they think I'm a good mother, or nice, or funny, or spiritual. Then if I'm having a moment where I think I have done something against that nature that I feel they have of me I worry if they'll still like me.

My counselor said. . . "Oh, so you're always managing your identity." I nodded, then on my way home thought. . . I wonder what exactly that means? Is it just trying to always be the same person and not have ups and downs an moods?

I'm just not entirely sure I know what it means. I'm going to try and ask him next week. . . or email him about it. But I'm wondering if anyone has heard that phrase and if it's a standard psychological term.

..not that I know of...

I suffer from a similar insecurity.

The image I get is of a Manager figure in your mind negotiating how you appear to the world, trying to mould and fit you into its criteria of perfection.

What would it mean to accept yourself as you are?

It would mean freedom to me. . . this is what I'm working on, but it's a very slow process!

Actually part of the process is changing some of the things about myself, but along the way being more accepting.

The perfection thing sounds right on. I try to be perfect at times, that's for sure.

Hi faith, I like the sound of your T. Managing one's identity sounds like me exactly. Always sitting on my own shoulder.

He's pretty great. I'm really going to miss him once he "cures" me. LOL

I think the problem is that we forget we aren't who we appear to be, we are who we are. If we get hung up on "facts" about us, "good mother," "warm," "funny," "smart," etc. then we identify with the identity instead of just being. If we act like a "good mother" around other mothers and a "good client" with our T, a "good wife" with our husband, etc. what happens when more than one role, sometimes conflicting (good mother and good wife can conflict, for example) comes together? :-)

I try to remember to go "in" and "search my heart" instead of looking out and assuming one of my roles to act like I think "they" out there want me to act. It's very hard to do. I remember when my T was teaching me and it would make me so anxious because it took me so long (because I was anxious so couldn't think/hear what "myself" had to say to me :-) but looking at how you actually feel in any situation and working from the inside out, instead of the outside out, helps there not be a split and it gets easier to just "live" instead of trying to figure out what I'm "supposed" to do in a situation. It's nice when people compliment me but I don't go looking for it anymore. It doesn't come from "out there" but from my knowledge about myself. Other people only confirm what I already know about myself :-)

(((((((((((Faith Walk)))))))))))))

Thanks guys. I guess I've never been good at just living without that extra protection as Mouse says "Always sitting on my own shoulder" to make sure i don't say anything "stupid."

It's something that I hope I can some day do without.

I'm pretty excited that I was able to go into all that with my T today. I hope we can get through it all and help me to do a little better. I know it takes time and effort.

The other thing is I'm trying to stop focusing on myself ALL the time, and get back into living and helping other people too. I don't want to feel like my life is all about ME and MY feelings all the time. Or even just my family. I'm feeling a little self-absorbed and self-centered lately and I don't like it. I need to start going to the nursing homes and doing more at church and stuff like that.

I had just completed training for Stephens Ministry, to help others going through crisis, when our lives started to go crazy with our business and my husband's depression then my anxiety coming back. I hope that soon enough I'll feel better so I can get back to that. I know that life is not all about watching my own brain and feelings and thoughts all the time. I want to get back to the "real" living again.

But, in a way I'm glad for all the problems of 2006 because it forced me to look at a lot of stuff that I was ignoring, thinking I had it all together and figured out. . . but that was not true. I was a mess inside running from thing to thing to thing wearing myself out. It was bound to make me crash and burn eventually.

The best thing my counselor ever said to me which knocked me on my butt was when I told him I didn't want to take anti-anxiety meds because they'd slow me down and I wouldn't get stuff done. And he said "Oh, and so it's all about getting stuff done for you, huh?"

And I'm stuttering and trying to find a good come-back and instead I just sort of laughed it off. . .then later on that day (it's been about 3 or 4 months ago) I was like "HEYYYYY! You can't talk to me like that. . .LOL"

I did confront him about it and said he "messed up my life" by making me slow down and now I don't get as much done any more. He knows when I'm jsut being sarcastic and I think he's proud of himself for helping mess up my life in that way.

At that time I was staying up until 2am or 3am working trying to "get stuff done" for our business. I don't do that any more. Business is growing more slowly now, and I'm going through a period where I'm pretty tired. . . I guess my body is healing from the past 3 years of burning the candle at both ends. I have faith I'll come out the other side of this a lot more mellow. And if you knew me, mellow is not really one of my normal qualities.

Interesting thought, "managing identity". I do that all day everyday. Carefully preparing which Jon is facing which situations. Everybody nicely ordered and ready to come and play when it's their turn. I'm trying to undo that process now. But it did serve me for a time when my pdoc kept telling me "fake it till you make it" - put on the face until its over, then go back to you. Enough of that and the face will become normal. Not sure I got that or that this is what you guys are talking about. Feeling wired tonight so I might just be rambling and zooming along. Please excuse...

I know what you mean about "fake it 'til you make it" I've told myself that for years too.

Time to be real, I guess. And hopefully I can figure out who that is!

Post deleted by Faith_walk

I hope you asked and received his permission to post his email

Yes, Stephen's Ministry can be stressful, just the training. I'm sure that you will be able to help yourself by some of what you learned, and later on with others.

The idea of "fake it till you make it" can be connected to a type of "faith" imo. Faith IS the substance of things hoped for, the EVIDENCE of things unseen...meaning we act and expect before it actually occurs, because that way it will!

TC!

No I didn't so I'll delete it. I didn't know it mattered since I wasn't giving his name. oops!

Ok why not rephrase it and repost it, it contained some thoughtful stuff

Yeah, he's pretty amazing. I'm like in awe of my counselor. My husband laughs when I repeat things he says because he thinks he's too serious. Hubby is in counseling too but thinks mine is so serious. hubby puts on this serious voice and says "Helloo. . . . I'm a PROFESSIONAL counselor. We must be serious. . .no joking around. " hehe

I'll try rewording and reposting. It really is pretty useful stuff.

Well it does take all kinds of doctors and counselors Is your counselor not a PROFESSIONAL one?

Here it is paraphrased.

A lot of us have a hard time finding out who the real "me" is. We need to stop trying to be what others expect us to be and just try to be ourself and be comfortable with that.

Then he talked about an example of another client that had a hard time knowing what even her favorite food or favorite activities were. She was always trying to please everyone else instead of thinking of what she'd like to do.

He then was saying that the changes require change in behavior, thinking, and experience. He mentioned that I needed to experience beign loved by friends and family, and even the comfort that I feel in being in counseling is helpful as he shows me that I'm really OK.

All of these things are supposed to help me find out the "real" me, so that no matter where I am, I'm the same. . .as in the past it seemed like I hide parts of myself depending on who was in the room.

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_Sky said:
Well it does take all kinds of doctors and counselors Is your counselor not a PROFESSIONAL one?

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His counselor is really pretty relaxed and open. She has even shared personal things about her own life, which I sometimes question. . .if those boundaries are OK.

Mine keeps it very professional at all times ane even if I try to joke about something and laugh it off. . .he doesn't let me off the hook there at all. He just looks at me very serious if it's not something that I should be joking about.

But he does laugh with me if it's something truly funny not something I'm trying to use humor to cover up.

The other thing was when I asked him yesterday about if he "liked me" or not. . . he wouldn't come out and say yes that he did. I think that crossed a boundary for him. He relayed it sort of in a round-about way stating that hopefully he could help me to see the things in myself that he could appreciate and not only because he's being paid to sit in the room with me.

The term "managing your identity" is not a psychologist's textbook item

Identity refers to who you are, your sense of self, your self-image and self esteem...

I think, from the Christian point of view, it's important to maintain a certain continuity of identity. There is a line that can be crossed though I think, that makes such focus a matter of mental unwellness? What do you think?

Well, he's a LPC not a psychologist so maybe that's why (just kidding). I know most people here see psych's, but finding one that is Christian is hard. I used to go to a psych, and I think that he comes pretty close in his way of treating me and experience. I went to two other "counselors" before I found him and they just didn't seem to be as well trained. He is the director of a well-known center in our area and even counsels pastors.

Are you saying focusing inward too much is not healthy? If so I think it can be.

I know that also, I have some pieces of myself I'm not proud of like my tendancy to be sarcastic and my tendancy to gossip. These things I would probably curb more when I'm around my Christian friends.

and the truth is, really I shouldn't be acting like that ever, but when I'm around people, especially non-Christians, I tend to not pay as much attention to it.

Then if I'm talking to my counselor and some of that 'tude slips out, I think. . .ooops. . . he wasn't supposed to know that sometimes I can be mean and nasty. . .

But really, why? It's my counselor. If I can't be "myself" around him, then I really have a problem.

I guess the truth is, that I would like to just "get rid" of that part of myself. It's not pretty. But it doesn't happen over night. I think as I learn to love myself more, then I'll feel less a need to say things about other people or gossip or be sarcastic as a way to feel like I have more power.

Also, you mentioned Stephens ministry. Yes the training was hard!! 13 weeks! I graduated, then had to admit to the teacher that I wasn't ready. I was already having a hard time taking care of myself as well as a suicidal husband.

He's doing somewhat better but is slipping this week again and having a lot of physical symptsoms from the depression too. It's hard seeing him like that. But, it has forced me to look at myself too and that's good.

Oh, I think there is a point where it's not healthy. Only you would know about yourself, along with your T and spouse I think.

Yes, that nasty part needs to go. We all have that I think, but need to keep it in check and not allow it to be a part of us at all. What purpose does it serve?

Yes, I agree, as we become more confident in who we are, and our self worth (and value to God and others) we find less and less "need" to put others down through gossip or sarcasm...and can be more understanding and find more patience in allowing them to learn at the point of the path they are on.

Your spouse is dealing with suicidal ideation and is a professional counselor? I can see why that would be doubly difficult for him to deal with those feelings.

No, he's seeing a counselor. . .I'm sorry for the confusion. When he was saying "I'm a PROFESSIONAL counselor" he was mocking my counselor. . . kidding about how serious that my counselor is (as apposed to his counselor, who is very laid back and open)

I wish I could just make the ugly part go like. . yesterday. I feel pretty convicted (and often guilty) about it. . .but it still remains.

The book that I'm reading "Search for Significance" has been very helpful to me. . . as I'm trying to learn how God sees me, and try to always be the best person I can be.

I know that I have gotten better in the past 4 months thanks to a lot of prayer and help from my counselor, but I still have a long ways to go.

The worst part is at times if my kids push my buttons and I raise my voice and yell at them. . .then I feel like the worst mother ever. I have to apologize and explain it's not their fault and Mommy is being grouchy. I just wish that I could flip a switch and have "that" voice never come out again.

My daughter is so much like me and now she shouts when sh e's upset too. I want to be a better example.

Hubby is on the strongest dose of Zoloft and has started having chest pains and almost daily stomach problems, so he may have to go off or switch. . . and he's tried almost everything. I sort of think he needs a different counselor.

His does a lot of "positive thinking" stuff which is fine, but it doesn't seem to change him at the core. . .my counselor really gets to the heart of things. . .