I punched a table during a session. She's won't see me anymore but I'd never hurt her

She did a major mistake (and admitted to it), I got mad and punched a table; got asked to leave. The next appointment she wasn't there.

3 days later I'm told by sms that she does not feel safe enough to meet me in person.

This T has become extremely important to me. It's the first person I trust in 10 years and the first one that genuinely cared about me in the last 20.
So I'm left without any support from one day to the other.

What can I do? I got angry, punched a table and act threateningly. I know. I regret it. I saw the fear on her face, so horrible and wrong; I could never beat anybody.

Wtf can I do besides apologizing. It wasn't even completely my fault, a rapid med switch [valproate -> lamotrigine -> allergy -> no meds -> valproate] had left me way more unstable than usual..

Diagnosis is borderline as you might have guessed.

Have you phoned her to apologize?
Maybe she is scared of you attacking her, I would be freaked out if this happened to me.

Hi, watino, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I don't know that it is all about you; she may not be able to cope well, personally, with being afraid and being threatened. I don't think it can be mended because it cannot be undone, there is no chance of "only joking" or whatever? Reasons or excuses can't give a clean slate (where it can be assumed one does not punch things/threaten). T needs to be able to trust you as much as you want to trust her.

You say you would not punch her/anybody but you do punch, which is too far for some people. I use to talk about how I wanted to smash my fist down my stepmother's throat but, for all my angry words, they are just words (which T's like :-) I never acted out. If you did not control yourself punching the table, there's no way to know if you will/will not control yourself later/if things get worse. Psychotherapy is only words and when we cross that line (or are not able to use words/don't talk, etc.) then it is not a treatment that can help us at that time.

It's too bad she didn't call to let you know that she wouldn't be there for a session and that she couldn't see you anymore.

She must have been quite frightened, otherwise I think she would have at least offered you this courtesy.

Perhaps to gain some closure, you could mail her a letter and thank her for her help and apologize for what happened and wish her well. I don't think it would change her position on seeing you, but it might afford you some closure.

I'm sorry as that sounds excruciatingly difficult. I wish she would have spoken to you about it - especially since she just no showed you and then texted. And it sounds like you had been seeing her for a long time. I would strongly advise you to find someone else to process it with and get some closure. Anger is so very difficult to deal with and I find even just the feelings themselves can make many therapists uncomfortable. Because you crossed the line to physically acting out it makes it harder but I understand. I've been struggling with anger too. Underneath the rage is probably an overwhelming amount of hurt and grief

It might not be "completely" your fault but you are responsible for your own actions. I do believe an apology is in order but in a respectful letter sent to her business address. She is not required to accept your apology and if she does, it doesn't mean she can magically handle your aggressive behavior.

I'd consider finding a therapist that specializes in anger issues and my aggression would be the topic in our first meeting. If he/she doesn't want to deal with it then maybe they can recommend someone.

Best of luck!

Hi, watino. I'm so sorry you may have lost a T that you valued & trusted. My feeling is that a T should be able to deal with your anger. You punched a table, not her. I assume you didn't actually damage the table, but just demonstrated anger and it frightened her. Yeah, it probably would have frightened me too. But in therapy all sort of emotions and behavior come out. People withdraw & don't speak, refuse to leave at the end of a session (happened to my T once), throw up, curl up on the floor, throw things, curse, sob hysterically, practice extreme snark, etc.

A T should be able to deal with all of these and work with the client. With proper boundaries, of course, according to the T's level of tolerance. But it sounds like your T did not even attempt to help you deal with your anger but simply abandoned you. This has to do with her own unresolved issues. I could understand it better if you had actually struck her and that she will not tolerate that. But she's obviously uncomfortable with the demonstration of anger. Does she abandon every client who shows anger in a session? So much for being able to freely express emotion in therapy ....

I hope you have a chance to apologize or talk with her about this. Yeah, it would have been better if you had contained yourself better, but this is something you need to work on in therapy with someone who can help you with it, not run away. They do exist, and I hope you find one.

Well, welcome to pc. I wish it were under better circumstances. Some people have a zero tolerance policy for violence of any kind.

This may not work out the way you want, but it's an opportunity to work on your anger management skills.

watino, this is a hard lesson but one you probably need to learn. acting in a violent manner has consequences and you are experiencing those consequences. let it be the motivation you need to never do anything like that again. i agree that an anger management class would probably be a good idea. take care.

I'm sorry this happened to you but maybe your Therapist just felt threatened.

The best thing to do would be to send her a message of apology somehow, regardless of whether she will take you back or not. It's a hard lesson to learn, I'm sorry you had to lose a T over it.

I know it won't help with your hurt feelings, but you are better off without her if she is this unskilled in handling an angry outbreak and so unprofessional she can't even properly cancel your appointment. It is highly unlikely you'd hit her or her table over the phone. If indeed you have BPD you need a confident and skilled provider, not a mediocre one who's winging it.

The therapist needs to feel safe as well. Just as she has the clients best interest at heart and safety, she also needs to keep herself safe and look out for her best interest, she has clients, and possibly a family, and wants to go home safe at the end of the day. Not hurt physically or emotionally traumatized, they are humamn.

Not saying that the op was physically posing a threat, but the threat was present in the therapist mind enough to scare her, none of us were in that room. The therapist made a choice, she does not feel safe with the op. Why? We dont know.

Find another T. She found your behavior unacceptable and threatening. I would have too.
Be honest with your new t from the start and let her/him know of ur rupture w previous t.
Talk about your anger and what u feel triggered about. Acknowledge that your behavior was inappropriate. Then try to understand and process w a new T about transference, anger, physical outbursts, etc. learn your lesson. If not, you will end up hospitalized.

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Technically speaking, according to the now infamous 'power/Control' wheel...

Punching inanimate objects, is classified as 'intimidating behavior.'
I agree with whomever mentioned a written letter of apology. That will sit in your files. Acceptance of personal responsibility as opposed to mentioning your medicine reason, could be advantageous, as far as future T's are concerned.

Hope you are able to find healthier outlets, even if not feeling quite yourself.

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I think a therapist who gets all scared because a client hits a table is probably one who should find another job. It is her issue, but she is probably not the therapist for you if she is this twitchy.

There is a difference between condoning violent behavior and saying that such behavior is a symptom of an emotional problem, and thus deserves to be talked about. Being violent is something that I worry someone could easily feel ashamed about, so just wanted to make sure that any who discloses that they did something like the op won't be shamed out of talking about, even if they did something wrong.

Thank you kindly for your replies everyone. Yes apologizing seems the only option (I've done it) and continuing with her seems highly unlikely as she feels unsafe. I can't prove not guarantee that it won't happen again no matter how much I believe it.

I'm glad to have found this mature community where you focused on "the bigger picture" rather than a judgmental approach. I don't condone my action yet I appreciate being able to speak about it freely.

I work in healthcare myself and think it's everyone's right to feel safe in the workplace. I guess we all can decide individually what's tolerable and what isn't for us?

I'll give you the backstory if you're interested. I'm abroad in Europe and don't speak the local language, can't contact organizations that protect patients' / clients' rights etc. This therapist, I've been meeting her for 2 years and she's very smart but quite stubborn. Once I argued 45 minutes that it's my right to obtain a certificate containing info on my situation, the work we've done and so on, but she refused and said she'd only send it to my next therapist, I won't get it myself. I had to go to a law professor at my university to obtain a copy of the ethical code for psychologists in this country and point the T to the article that details my right to obtain this info.

The same ethical code obligates her to refer me to someone else if she terminates but that hasn't occurred either..

Concerning the mistake she did that led to me punching the table; she herself described it as "being blind to what needed to be done" "letting me down more that I could have imagined". Basically for 2 years she said one thing, made it a central theme of therapy, tried to convince me of it, insisted, but it turns out she meant another quite different thing, and for 2 years she refused to clarify this, despite me asking 100 times what she means, saying that I don't understand. Her reply for 2 years was "you just must trust me more"; but it turns out she was wrong! By her own admission.

So I was ready to forgive her because of all the positive she's done, but asked that she lets me know what her supervisor thinks of this issue. For 10 minutes I asked, she consistently avoided a yes/no answer; thus refusing accountability. So I acted to intimidate her, with a display of force. I punched a table to say - "I will not be bullied". Mistakes I can forgive but I want accountability and a proper apology..

If you can be bothered, let me know what you think. I value your opinions.

Telling someone they should learn to control their anger is like telling someone they just should just "get ahold of themselves". So you're severely depressed? Crying all day? Haven't bathed in a week? Hey, pull yourself together!!! Just think positive! Whassa matter with you???

I believe that anger is just another symptom of internal problems that need to be worked through. It is more outward directed than, say, depression, but a severely depressed person can do a whole lot of damage to those around them. I don't think anger should be judged more harshly than other acting-out behavior. It's a problem that needs to be fixed. And if a therapist cannot work with a person on this, who can they turn to???????

I can see both sides of it, but at the same time a Therapist needs to have boundaries.

Yes indeed, and regardless of what led to that event and any circumstances I should not have acted as I did.
Losing something so valuable as a consequence. I'll make it a learning experience.
Thank you for your reply.

[quote=tooski;3741055]Telling someone they should learn to control their anger is like telling someone they just should just "get ahold of themselves". So you're severely depressed? Crying all day? Haven't bathed in a week? Hey, pull yourself together!!! Just think positive! Whassa matter with you???

I believe that anger is just another symptom of internal problems that need to be worked through. It is more outward directed than, say, depression, but a severely depressed person can do a whole lot of damage to those around them. I don't think anger should be judged more harshly than other acting-out behavior. It's a problem that needs to be fixed. And if a therapist cannot work with a person on this, who can they turn to???????[/quote

I don´t believe anger is the only issue here. " Kicking someone who's already laying down" in this case a T willing to admit a mistake, is not "only" about not being able to control your anger.It´s about lack of empathy (IMO)

[QUOTE=Littlemeinside;3741073]I didn't mean to imply that. The OP has problems that need to be worked on, just like probably all of us on this forum. He deserves to have a therapist who can help him, the same as we all do.

[quote=tooski;3741092]No one in this thread has said otherwise but probably with another T.

I'm troubled by these two statements:

So I acted to intimidate her, with a display of force. I punched a table to say - "I will not be bullied". Mistakes I can forgive but I want accountability and a proper apology..

and

Yes indeed, and regardless of what led to that event and any circumstances I should not have acted as I did.
Losing something so valuable as a consequence. I'll make it a learning experience.

The first sounds as though this wasn't really an outburst, but a decided action. You didn't get the response you believed you deserved, so you sought to punish your T--teach her a lesson. And the second reframes the episode as regrettable because of the loss to you of a relationship of value. Neither statement reflects any sense of empathy.

I think it's understandable that people have strong reactions to this intimidation through anger behavior. Many of us were subjected to it as children. Perhaps you were as well.

Did you specifically choose a female T? You might do better to choose a male going forward.