I punched a table during a session. She's won't see me anymore but I'd never hurt her

It’s a shame you are losing your T over this but i can’t say I blame her.

She made a mistake (then again, I don’t think she did this on purpose, did she?) and even though it is frustrating, she did own up to it... As two mature adults, it is not socially acceptable - in any context - to erupt in violence to make a point, esp if it is a male client exhibiting such explosive demonstration of force.

It’s not because someone is a T that it gives license to clients to behave any way they want & for Ts to just 'take it'. There ought to be mutual respect & yes, there are repercussions for breaching those tacit rules of interaction. Ts do not have to put up with threatening or aggressive behaviour, esp if they feel their personal safety is at stake. She clearly felt unsafe enough that she decided to bow out.

It would be best to apologise and move on. She is under no obligation to work through this with you but she should still give you referrals, if only via a secretary or in writing.

How were you being bullied?

I am sorry you have lost your t, but as you said, in the first part of the anger, ( im not judging you by the way) but, it was not an outburst or spontaneous, you decided to intimidate her by punching the table and scaring her, to show her you will not be bullied, you even said you saw the fear in her eyes.

So imo she of course had the right for her own safety , even though you did not touch her, to not see you anymore. Therapists can put up and contain alot of clients emotions, does not mean they have to put up with abusive behaviors or threaths that they feel. Im speaking as if I were in her shoes, Im not saying you are an abusive person. Just going by your actions in that room and her reactions.
This does not make the therapist a wimp, or a therapist that cannot handle a client, imo, the therapist, had her boundaries and safety crossed by a client in her oppinion. How much is too much.

That, I agree. Here's why. Much talk around here, about how, when, why T's terminate the Therapist/Client relationship. Many mention that's other behaviors that won't get you terminated, which can be perceived as floating on the lines of something similar to intimidating behavior.
Therapists with that behavior will explore it with clients. Why not explore a punched table.

Sounds from follow up background fill in, like tossing hands in the air....grrr((so to speak))) you aren't listening to me, i feel unheard, unacknowledged...bang, fist on table...(putting visual to how it happened)

This doesn't sound like unprovoked anger, plain and simple.

Hence, i agree with this quoted thread.

What's she's doing, is personally what frustrates the **** out of me, with society.


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It is very important here to consider whether the banging was a spontaneous expression of anger or a calculated attempt to intimidate, a show of force. A show of force "showcases oine's own capabilities and will to act if provoked." (Wikipedia). It is one thing to expect a T to deal with a client's anger; it is quite different to ask a T to accept calculated suggestions of violence to her person.

If I were working as a T in private practice, I would not work with a client I felt physically threatened by in any way. There are other settings for such people (like an anger management or DBT group with co-leaders) that would not pose a danger to anyone. Having said that, the T here was unethical if she didn't give an appropriate referral.

You raise a valid point.

I tried to control myself but couldn't and also it was intimidation.
I saw no other way. She had been unjust. She admitted the mistake "I have been blind, sorry we didn't understand each other, etc." but somehow it wasn't enough for me. I felt I deserved a bigger apology.

I was damaged and felt powerless in an unjust situation and defenceless. I displayed my "will to act if provoked" to make a point: you don't get to screw up and harm me.

I used this method reluctantly but thought it was necessary.
Clearly the consequences were undesirable for me and her alike.
Please suggest alternative ways, I would like to learn.

Have you been talking about your childhood in therapy?

I work with clients who can act out. They hit things, shout and sometimes even throw chairs at me (mental health clients and criminal defense clients). I have never really been afraid of a client - even those who were trying to be intimidating. I was once threatened by a client's family and that was a bit unsettling, but I still represented the guy.
I just think one needs to butch up a bit if one is going to be a therapist (or attorney), or as another poster said - work for only those with dental phobias. Frankly the description from the OP just did not sound like a big deal to me - not particularly violent or threatening at all.

I think you have learned ...

It's past time that you've learned to control your planned / calculated outbursts of anger and violence (that aren't serving you nor the people you're attempting to manipulate, bully and control very well) and learn other ways to communicate about your feelings of betrayal, frustration and anger without scaring the @#$%! out of and traumatizing other human beings!

Now it's time to accept and implement this lesson and move on ...

Even if she felt threatened and therefore unable to continue working with this client ( and whether that's justified is a discussion of its own) I don't think that's an excuse to not even cancel the next session, or properly terminate with some referrals. That's just unprofessional and unethical and reinforces my opinion that this therapist isn't very skilled and needs to choose her clientele accordingly.

Quiet frankly, those of you here who want to blame the therapist are quite appalling in my opinion ... The OP admits that he intentionally tried to intimidate her ... That simply is not okay ... The sooner y'all quit making excuses for his inexcusable behavior the sooner the OP might be able to accept responsibility, find another therapist and find other ways to properly communicate and channel his aggression, anger and outbursts.

By the way, therapists are human beings too, and just because one can and will handle violence and aggression doesn't mean another one can and will ... This doesn't mean that they aren't good, neither does it mean they are not qualified ... It simply means they won't put up with certain behaviors or tolerate BS from a client who thinks they can get away with trying to bully the very people who are trying to help them.

I guess we all read things differently, but I don't see anyone excusing the behavior or blaming the therapist. What the OP did was wrong and the therapist was unethical not referring the OP to another therapist and not cancelling the session. There was wrong behavior on both sides.

I don´t think this T "owes" the client anything other what she already did give: A perfectly nice apology. That wasn´t accepted so I´m sure the client can take things from here on his own. He was asked to leave the session- thats sort of terminating AND cancelling sessions in the future.

Perhaps the T didn´t know who to refer the client to and didn´t want to risk the safety of her colleages. Who wants a referal from someone who have terminated you based on this anyways. So I don´t think she is being unethical.

Unpopular opinion alert,

But as someone who's struggled with rage issues in the past, I consider punching the table a win. To me that's a safe expression of anger, because nobody's safety was at stake.

Just my 2c.

Nobody's safety was at stake that we know of ...

Only the OP and the therapist know exactly what went on in that room and since the OP admits they acted out violently in an attempt to intimidate ...

Well, anybody who thinks that's okay is ...

I almost want to thank and agree with this, barring one key expression. Toughening up, isn't to butches up.

A female T, dealing with a male client with an anger issue, would need to be grounded enough, to understand differences in fear. To say, you are displaying intimidating behavior in my office. Stop or risk termination.

BillX, raised a valid way to look at the hit table.

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I don´t think this T "owes" the client anything other what she already did give: A perfectly nice apology. That wasn´t " good enough" so I´m sure the client can take things from here on his own. He was asked to leave the session- after he threatend her. I´m sure she didn´t think she needed to make it clear future appointment were cancelled

As for referrals, perhaps the T wasn´t comfortable referring a client acting this way to a colleage or simply didn´t know who to refer to? If the client didn´t ask for a referral, I don´t think it´s unethical to just end it there.

I'm just giving my opinion. I should have said "I think." I don't really care that much.

You're very articulate. But your posts are also filled with justifications for your choice of intimidation through violence. This is a very common pattern among men who abuse women. And yes, you've said you'd never hurt anyone, but your actions fit a pattern that usually escalates over time.

I think it's a leap to decide the T behaved unethically: the OP said he was contacted 3 days after his session telling him that the T would not be meeting with him. I'm not clear when it is that she didn't show up for an appointment: was there an appointment scheduled between the time of the incident and the call 3 days later? If so, what happened? Was no one there? Was there an office manager who told him his T wasn't around? Is this at a clinic or a sole practitioner office?

As far as a referral, I'm not sure what the ethics really are in such a case. I could envision reasons why it might not be advisable, therapeutically or legally, for a T in such a case to give a referral. Or it could also be that the T has been/is looking for an appropriate referral. I know in my area, Ts with experience in these issues are usually solidly booked with cases referred through the courts. How much time has passed since the OP was notified? Has he asked for a referral?

It's a relationship and there are two people. Each person has the right to end the relationship at any time, for any reason.

We speak as though it is all right for a client (due to their issues) to not show up for therapy; complain if they have to pay for sessions for which they did not call and cancel, giving at least 24 hours notice; and leave mid-session or abruptly quit but that it is not all right for the therapist to not see the client anymore and not discuss it/tell the client face-to-face.

It is not mature or "good" social behavior on either parties' part to end the relationship abruptly but I think therapists "get terminated" far more often than clients do.

I think abruptness is not termination, it is quitting or getting fired, depending on which side is ending the relationship. Termination is what happens when the relationship comes to an end by mutual agreement, both parties discuss the relationship and decide to end it, because it is not working for one party or the other. The verb, "terminate" as used in therapy is not meant to be used as a weapon of mass destruction

I grew up in a violent, angry house. I feel afraid when I hear loud noises or loud voices. I know what it feels like to be triggered by this.

But to imply that the OP is going to go on and be a man who abuses women seems just very wrong to me. The OP is trying to get help and admits the wrong that was done. (I guess we're all assuming the OP is male too? There are a LOT of violent women out there as well.)

I think the therapist, based on the other things the OP said, sounds slightly incompetent. It seems like ending the therapy relationship is best for both of them.

It bothers me about the intimidation on purpose thing I don't get why someone would need to "intimidate" the T...what exactly does that do? Although I guess I can see myself being a bit contentious with my T at times, so I dunno.

I don't think that it excuses the T from offering referrals. The client does not have to ask for them - it is the T's responsibility as the professional. I've been abruptly terminated before and it impacted me greatly. I was never violent but still...If I'm not missing some key part of the story, I think it is unethical to end that way, IMO.

Aside from that, my gut instinct says there's prob more that happened in the 10 years prior. I can't imagine this is the first time the T has felt intimidated in the relationship. What is the context here, watino?

"So I was ready to forgive her because of all the positive she's done, but asked that she lets me know what her supervisor thinks of this issue. For 10 minutes I asked, she consistently avoided a yes/no answer; thus refusing accountability. So I acted to intimidate her, with a display of force. I punched a table to say - "I will not be bullied". Mistakes I can forgive but I want accountability and a proper apology..

If you can be bothered, let me know what you think. I value your opinions."

So - she wouldn't speak of her (confidential) session with her supervisor, so you punched a table to intimidate her?

If I were in her shoes, you'd have been out of my practice so fast your head would spin. You didn't lose your temper, you were DELIBERATELY trying to coerce her through threat of violence to do something she did not want to do.

You do need another therapist, but you need an anger management group, a therapist whom you cannot physically intimidate, and to do some long, hard looking at yourself to figure out why you think acting as you did leaves her obligated to you in any way.

That was abusive behavior. Period.

I still don't see what the op did as abusive or all that threatening or violent.
I do think therapists need to have a bit thicker skin and not be so twitchy and scared about things - hence the butch up idea from me. Butch up and don't be so scared of clients or perhaps consider becoming a kindergarten teacher or gardener or something not so scary to you.