T lent me a toy and now I'm wondering...

Hey everyone...

So I borrowed a toy from my T during the Easter break (he has some shelves of them in his room and I picked one that looks like him) and also took one of his new printed leaflets from reception. It made a huge difference. I went through the break without needing to text or email him at all, which is unheard of.

My T has helped turn these into transitional objects or whatever they're called. He has talked about "the leaflet version of me". I brought the toy back, asked to borrow it again and put it in my bag. He said: "You've got me in your bag." When my T picked the toy up, it really annoyed me that he was touching it. I don't know if it was possessiveness or fear he might take it away.

So I stopped bringing it back. Then I stopped mentioning it, stopped asking to keep borrowing it. It's in a drawer by my bed. It's a Happy Meal toy from 1999 according to the label and I doubt my T cares about it or minds not having it, but I don't want him to say I can keep it. I want it to be something from his room that's in my room. Which it is.

So why am I annoyed with my T? I'm annoyed with him for not asking me about it, for not mentioning it, for most probably forgetting about it. And I don't know why. I have two theories so far: either I'm annoyed because he's acting like it doesn't matter and I feel he's invalidating or devaluing it, or I'm annoyed because he's treating the toy like my parents treated me by not caring about it or missing it. I would love to hear any insight anyone else can offer.

Could it be possible that he just waits for you to talk about it? I guess my T would not forget about lending me a toy but she could think that when I'm ready I would bring it up...

I would take the toy back with me to the next session and put it on the table and then start a discussion how the toy had helped me and then take it from there. That would get the conversation going again about needing a transitional object and put the 'T' back into the toy.

I missed you tinyrabbit, I would bring the topic of the toy with my t, and I would hope he tells you to keep it, I dont know that he will. He would probably want to know why you want him to tell you to keep it, you know how they are, they are probers, even if it was a candy wrapper lol, why do you want to keep the candy wrapper, blah blah lol, anyway, I hope he tells you to keep it, but you should bring it up.

wow that is a lot of insightful thought you have put in there TR . I like the idea of putting the T back into the toy by bringing it in and start a conversation about it. it seems so spot on about what this toy means to you. oh BTW it is nice to see you around again

I think both your thoughts are spot on. But Pegasus is right that it would be best to bring it up--don't make him read your mind.

And it is very nice to see you again.

He might think that you like the idea of keeping it "without him knowing" in a way? Like... him accepting that you have a part of him at home and that it doesn't bother him, whereas if he was to ask you about it or bring it up it might come across as if he is bothered by it or wants it brought back. By not saying anything, he's demonstrating that he accepts it and encourages the comfort it brings you, and that it might be a demonstration of unconditional caring.

Anyway.. those are just my theories right now that are coming out of a sleepy brain. He likely hasn't viewed it in the same way as you, so bring it up and he can clarify things for you!

It's surprising about how the smallest things can mean so much, and be so important to us when they start holding symbolic value. I think you're on the right track, and maybe him not caring about it is "breaking" your connection with it?

A positive interpretation of him not saying anything about it is that he is completely pleased with you having the toy and considers it your own, so he just hasn't felt the need to bring it up.

Hi. Wow, thats a lot of complicated back and forth. My t gave me a transitional object - a coffee cup - before he went on business trip. I wasnt expected to return it when he returned - he made it clear it was mine - but in the weeks that followed, i still developed a very strong feeling that it wasnt mine to keep, that i would have to give it back. I eventually realized that feeling corresponded with idk the conditional "love" in our family? Anything i had, wasnt mine to keep - my mother wouldnt even give me and my brother our college diplomas. It wasnt a matter of politely asking us to order her a second copy - the originals were not leaving the house; she paid for them. our accomplishment was discounted, i felt.

Anyway, i would be slightly annoyed at your t for making this so complicated! It literally took weeks for my feeling to develop, and i saw it like a lake. This procedure of yours is like hopping on and off a bus. Is it yours or isnt it? That is too huge a question to ask about a transitional object. Well for me, anyway. Or Is it trivializing? Thats what is confounding to me.

I smiled when I saw your name.

I will offer an additional possibility: it feels like T is ignoring part of you by ignoring what "should" be a topic of discussion, the fact that you have something from his office.

I'm speculating, but I wonder if your being annoyed about the toy is a redirection of being annoyed that it can only ever be the toy, ie you can't take him with you and absorb him into your life outside the therapy context?

Thanks for all the replies. I have missed you all and appreciate the warm welcome! Have to watch out for my forum addiction as it got a bit out of hand.

So I think it's probably true that he hasn't forgotten and is just waiting for me to bring it up.

This is such a great idea, thank you. I read the first part and thought oh no, I don't want to bring it back - I actually felt kind of threatened by that. But then I read the part about putting the T back into it. I love that idea.

You could be onto something. I was assuming either he forgot about it or he didn't care or, deep down, there was a worry that he didn't want it back because he didn't want me to contact him more (though I have contacted him between sessions since the Easter break).

YOU ARE ALL GENIUSES.

I am not kidding. So many insights that never even occurred to me, or that I had an inkling of and couldn't quite express. Thank you all so much. I haven't quite untangled which of these things are and are not true, but a lot of them carry a ring of truth.

Thank you

Sometimes what I want from my T is a feeling I can't quite name. Love, security, interest, attention, pity, admiration... My yearning is full of contradictions so that some days there's pretty much nothing she can do or say that satisfies it.

If your T lets go of your happy toy and gives it to you, it's no longer his, no longer him. If he wants it back, it's like saying you can't have him. Maybe you need to bring it in and recharge it with his essence? That sounds silly of course but what I mean is that maybe you need to talk about what it is about him that you need hold onto between sessions. What does it means to hold onto happy toy, how do you feel knowing it's there, and ultimately, what kind of security does it represent that you hope to internalize?

My dad was very inconsistent in his attunement to me. I do remember one time that I felt that he was very attuned and it made me feel very secure. The first day of kindergarten we had an hour-long meet and greet with the teachers. The parents stayed in another room while we were introduced to our teachers and our classroom. I was anxious about the separation and my dad gave me his car keys to hold onto and said "if you have the keys, I can't leave!" The other kids cried but I felt confident knowing that he couldn't go far, so I was more or less able to relax and look around.

If your T doesn't need the keys, he can just leave. If he takes them back, he can just leave. But if you know he needs them and he's still letting you hold onto them, you know that you have him nearby.

I know what you mean. I think it's a whole bunch of stuff that was missing from childhood. Or childhood full stop, maybe.

That doesn't sound silly. It couldn't be less silly, in fact, even if it put on a suit and sat a maths exam. And I adore the fact you've called it happy toy. I think it's now going to be called Happy Toy Therapistname in my head.

[quote=Favorite Jeans;3759852]If your T doesn't need the keys, he can just leave. If he takes them back, he can just leave. But if you know he needs them and he's still letting you hold onto them, you know that you have him nearby.

Or he might decide he doesn't need his keys and leave without them. He might stop mentioning the keys, and I might wonder if he's going to do that. Some child part of me, that is.

Thank you for sharing that insight from your own childhood. Thank you, all of you, so many things I just hadn't thought of. I might make a list of them all and take them to my next T session (Friday) because I haven't a clue which ones are/aren't true.

Welcome back!!!!!

I don't have a lot to add, I would be tempted, if were me, to photograph the toy in different settings and just keep emailing various photos now and then. I wouldn't mention it in session, just see if the photos prompt discussion.

That's a hilarious idea...

I am sort of tempted to send him a postcard from the toy.

Hi there Tiny Rabbit. Very good to see you back.

Both your theories sound well thought out. Would you feel comfortable enough to mention these things to your T? It sounds very important.

That'd be awesome! I dare you;-)

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Thanks, I think so. He might have some insight too of course - when I first talked about the leaflet and the toy he said: "Well, of course this version of me, and the leaflet version of me, they don't screw up and cause problems." Too true...

[quote=JustShakey;3761867]That'd be awesome! I dare you;-)

I'm not sure what to write. I may go down the excessively therapyish route of just telling him I thought of doing it...

the thing about "not knowing which things are true" is that you will go around and around with them. If you want to know why your T has not asked for the toy back, ASK! If you are thinking about an issue, any issue, and it makes you FEEL a certain way, discuss it with your T. You cannot know what your T is thinking, unless you are a mind reader. Likewise, your T cannot read your mind, either. Talk to T! Gentle hugs.

Oh, I will! Just have to wait until the end of the week and wanted to try and figure it out a bit first

I have, like, no patience.

So I talked to my T and he said he thinks it's a displacement of my worries that I'm not important to him.

I said it's just a stupid toy anyway, it probably doesn't matter to him.

And he said actually it's one of the most valuable toys in his collection because it's a rare collector's item and it's worth a lot of money. Which has helped a great deal.

I'm so glad he said that to you and that it's made a difference!