[InRealLife45]

After my angry session yesterday, I left in a huff and after I calmed down and some things clicked, I went back and wrote a letter longhand on a piece of mixed media painting paper and gave it to her between sessions and I text to ask if she could respond today via e-mail but she e-mailed this morning to say we will talk about it on Monday night. Is that a good or bad thing?

It worries me. Either she thinks it's too "loaded" for e-mail, or she's angry about what I wrote and monday will be a bad session.

Since it was written by hand it wasn't very polished or well organized so maybe she didn't like what I had to say or how I presented it...I also told her that despite my intentionally provoking her, that doesn't mean she hasn't still made mistakes. Maybe I shouldn't have said that...

I hate worrying for no reason, and I have NOTHING to do with my weekend.

The girl I get riding lessons from has quit doing lessons (again). There's only one OA meeting in my area today. (Unless I go to AA and hide in the back?) The only movie I want to see (if I stay) is just ONE movie and will be over in a blink. There's nothing else I can think of doing to occupy myself except go swimming at my boss's apartment while they're out of town. Maybe I'll do that. That's a good idea.

I am still worried.

[tealBumblebee]

Hi there, I think that one of the reasons T's don't always want to reply via email is because they want to make sure that what they say is heard correctly and none of the terminology is misconstrued. Also, sometimes an email just isn't enough to convey what it is they want to express to you (hard to read compassion, empathy through words sometimes). And other times, T's consider it 'email therapy' and just prefer not to do it that way. I think that your T wanted to let you know that she did read it, and so she replied, but the reply (not necessarily a bad thing) was not appropriate for whatever reason to be received through email. I understand that the waiting process is hard, regardless. *hugs*

[granite1]

hi IRL I think what you said about intentionally provoking her doesn't mean she didn't make mistakes was awesome it takes responsibility for you part and allows for conversation . I hope she is open to looking at her part also because she has made mistakes. I bet she wants to talk about it F2F so there is no miscommunication or not being able to see her responses to what you said . and maybe it will also give you something to work on Monday and avoid that horrible heart breaking silence .

I think swimming could be awesome and also maybe some art (HINT faces lol)and share with us . waiting is hard . I tend to hang here more when I have some T worries and also write in my T journal .

[growlycat]

Most T's don't want to "do therapy" between sessions, whether an email or short call. She probably just wants to give the subject matter the time it deserves--and that is a good thing!

You do a lot of great art pieces on your time--why not do some of that this weekend?

[ThisWayOut]

Swimming is a good idea, after that, try the movie, or art (or both). Take the dogs out for a walk. Just breathe. You can make it through the weekend. Go to the oa meeting, and if it helps, go to the aa also.
As teal and granite pointed out, sometimes responses are not appropriate through email (or even the phone). She also might want more time to talk about the things in your letter.
You can do this.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Most T's don't want to "do therapy" between sessions, whether an email or short call. She probably just wants to give the subject matter the time it deserves--and that is a good thing!

You do a lot of great art pieces on your time--why not do some of that this weekend?

I'm not feeling the art. I've been staring at the art journal for days now. Since the. 11th. Nothing. And not for lack of supplies either.

[guilloche]

Ugh... I hate waiting for responses too sometimes.... no great advice, other than to try to think of some reasons why she might want to wait that aren't as negative (i.e. she wants to clarify something and feels it's easier to do in person, maybe she has a lot she wants to say and doesn't have time to type it up, maybe she wants to be able to be respond carefully and watch your reactions?)

It's hard, but I try to assume the more positive reasons (i.e. give people the benefit of the doubt). Sometimes more for my own state of mind (to stop the worrying) than the other person - though I 100% get why this would be hard/impossible with your T, given the problems you're having with her.

Good luck... as for distractions, maybe you could research other places nearby to take riding lessons, since your instructor has quit? Find some interesting recipes to try online? Check out a farmer's market? Sing loudly some songs that do a good job of capturing your feelings in the moment? Write a song, or fairy tale, or poem about how much therapy sucks ? (I just found a sarcastic multiple choice test I wrote for Ts after old T dumped me... like 15 years ago. It's still funny to read, though obviously a bit bitter!)

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Ugh... I hate waiting for responses too sometimes.... no great advice, other than to try to think of some reasons why she might want to wait that aren't as negative (i.e. she wants to clarify something and feels it's easier to do in person, maybe she has a lot she wants to say and doesn't have time to type it up, maybe she wants to be able to be respond carefully and watch your reactions?)

It's hard, but I try to assume the more positive reasons (i.e. give people the benefit of the doubt). Sometimes more for my own state of mind (to stop the worrying) than the other person - though I 100% get why this would be hard/impossible with your T, given the problems you're having with her.

Good luck... as for distractions, maybe you could research other places nearby to take riding lessons, since your instructor has quit? Find some interesting recipes to try online? Check out a farmer's market? Sing loudly some songs that do a good job of capturing your feelings in the moment? Write a song, or fairy tale, or poem about how much therapy sucks ? (I just found a sarcastic multiple choice test I wrote for Ts after old T dumped me... like 15 years ago. It's still funny to read, though obviously a bit bitter!)

She wrote twice- the first to say that we will talk in session, the second in response to my asking for ten extra minutes- she said she'll see me at the regular time for the regular minutes and not anything extra even if im willing to pay.

the more she replies the more antsy I get feeling something is wrong... her replies are curt and I'm reading anger in them :-(

[guilloche]

IRL - I'm sorry that your T is being like that. I know, she seems like she's "like that" alot... but sorry you're having to suffer with it.

[elliemay]

well, I am very very sorry to hear that your therapist has you tied up in knots again. This weekend will be rough, but there are ways to cope and I hope you find them.

On a larger scale, however, I would seriously seriously consider the merit in doing something like this again. If this is the way you feel afterwards AND this is the way your therapist is going to react, then perhaps it is not the best idea to even do it at all.

I know, I know hindsight it 20/20, but from what I've read so far, this therapist is no longer the health care provider that she once was (for whatever reason). I doubt she is going to change her operating procedure now.

I think in order to get out of this misery, a change (either in attitude, approach, or therapist) might need to happen.

I know you indicated that you were very attached to this therapist. I hear you. I really really do. Is this attachment still merited?

Here's a real question for you... Is she *worthy* of your attachment?

What do you think?

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by elliemay

well, I am very very sorry to hear that your therapist has you tied up in knots again. This weekend will be rough, but there are ways to cope and I hope you find them.

On a larger scale, however, I would seriously seriously consider the merit in doing something like this again. If this is the way you feel afterwards AND this is the way your therapist is going to react, then perhaps it is not the best idea to even do it at all.

I know, I know hindsight it 20/20, but from what I've read so far, this therapist is no longer the health care provider that she once was (for whatever reason). I doubt she is going to change her operating procedure now.

I think in order to get out of this misery, a change (either in attitude, approach, or therapist) might need to happen.

I know you indicated that you were very attached to this therapist. I hear you. I really really do. Is this attachment still merited?

Here's a real question for you... Is she *worthy* of your attachment?

What do you think?

:-( ....

[unaluna]

?? You wrote your t a letter - and she responded twice so far.

[pmbm]

InRealLife45, I totally get your struggle with your T. I got really attached to my last T and she started acting a little like your T. I know you don't have this, but I have a dissociative disorder and I found out my last T was a big fan of Janina Fisher (Janina Fisher, PhD :: Welcome), and many of her rules for therapy (including no longer sessions) seem to have come straight from a paper on working with people with dissociative disorders. I'm wondering if your T is taking a page from Ms. Fisher too. I came to really dislike this Ms. Fisher even though I never met her, thanks to these rules. I'm pretty sure that my last T consulted her on my case and ended up deciding to terminate me as a client.

[scorpiosis37]

While I'm no particular fan of your T, I think she is actually being more generous than a lot of Ts would be in responding twice to an e-mail that you sent between sessions, when you see her twice a week-- and she hasn't been paid to see you for months. Many Ts will not read/respond to e-mail at all. Doing therapy in person really is more effective. Not to mention that Ts need a little free time-- if they have to read/respond to e-mail every day, after a full day of seeing clients, and they don't get paid for it-- it can be a lot of added work and stress.

Is asking your T to go "above and beyond" for you (e-mails, ten extra minutes, etc) really a way of asking her to "prove" that she cares about you? Do you think if she does X or Y, then that will allow you to believe that she likes you and wants to see you? There isn't really any reason why she needs to respond to the e-mail (it really deserves an in person conversation, and youre going to see her Monday) and you don't really need ten extra minutes (your sessions are often filled with lots of silence and difficulty finding things to say to each other). So, at least from the outside, it seems like maybe your requests are really a way to get her to do something to prove that she WANTS to see you and cares about you?

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by hankster

?? You wrote your t a letter - and she responded twice so far.

She responded to say -we will talk about it monday, and the second said I'll see you at your regular time and no you can't have any extra minutes not even if you pay for them.

That's it. Didn't address my letter so they don't count.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

While I'm no particular fan of your T, I think she is actually being more generous than a lot of Ts would be in responding twice to an e-mail that you sent between sessions, when you see her twice a week-- and she hasn't been paid to see you for months. Many Ts will not read/respond to e-mail at all. Doing therapy in person really is more effective. Not to mention that Ts need a little free time-- if they have to read/respond to e-mail every day, after a full day of seeing clients, and they don't get paid for it-- it can be a lot of added work and stress.

Is asking your T to go "above and beyond" for you (e-mails, ten extra minutes, etc) really a way of asking her to "prove" that she cares about you? Do you think if she does X or Y, then that will allow you to believe that she likes you and wants to see you? There isn't really any reason why she needs to respond to the e-mail (it really deserves an in person conversation, and youre going to see her Monday) and you don't really need ten extra minutes (your sessions are often filled with lots of silence and difficulty finding things to say to each other). So, at least from the outside, it seems like maybe your requests are really a way to get her to do something to prove that she WANTS to see you and cares about you?

lol I pay for everything down to the penny, trust and believe that. I pay $20 a week for email, actually (I can send her three and I get one reply on Fridays. If my e-mails come after Friday she reads them but I get no response.) I didn't send any e-mail this week though, until the letter I gave her, if that can be considered an e-mail.

The thursday session was a long one-25 extra minutes that I paid $50 for, on top of what insurance paid for the 45 minutes. She doesn't do anything for free.

What I gave her was a handwritten letter yesterday a few hours after session. I had wanted an e-mail reply (for the $20 fee) but I guess she decided it was too loaded and best discussed in person (or maybe it made her mad and she wants to terminate me--my mind is going crazy with the possibilities.)

She also said she signed a contract with my insurance this past week as well so they are finally going to be paying her. She said that they didn't want to pay her before bc the contract wasn't signed yet so they didn't have any incentive to do so, but now they will.

The reason for extra ten minutes is she wanted to go over (listen to ) some of my recordings in session, and I don't really want to use up ten-twenty or more minutes of session time listening to old sessions. So she'll have to listen on her own time or take my word that she said what she claims not to have said (namely that she never said/meant she was forced to see me bc I filed a grievance, even though that's exactly what she said.)

[Luce]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

She responded to say -we will talk about it monday, and the second said I'll see you at your regular time and no you can't have any extra minutes not even if you pay for them.

That's it. Didn't address my letter so they don't count.

They count. She addressed your letter. She said you would talk about it on Monday.
You asked her to respond and she did - it just wasn't in the way you wanted.

[InRealLife45]

They don't count as a reply is specifically defined in our email agreement, then.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

They don't count as a reply is specifically defined in our email agreement, then.

But it feels like you wanted a reply yesterday, which feels like it would have opened her up to another request today and tomorrow. Instead, she tried to set a boundary around your request to include the weekend and hold you in there.

But you pop out of the hold like a jumping bean and say it doesnt "count"? Like a toddler who wont go down for a nap. Newsflash - nobody is keeping count. The adults are gonna keep on doing what they need to do until the toddler wears herself out. Until the pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of changing.

[HazelGirl]

I don't necessarily think your T is angry. Some T's have very strict rules around when meetings begin and end and won't change them for anyone.

[The_little_didgee]

Doesn't this wear you out?

[granite1]

hey IRL were you diagnosed with BPD before you saw this T? did she agree to see you knowing your diagnoses. some of this just sounds classic textbook for treating BPD . all the boundaries and stuff . it just makes me wonder if she was different before because she didn't know you diagnoses

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by granite1

hey IRL were you diagnosed with BPD before you saw this T? did she agree to see you knowing your diagnoses. some of this just sounds classic textbook for treating BPD . all the boundaries and stuff . it just makes me wonder if she was different before because she didn't know you diagnoses

Granite, yes, absolutely. When I went to interview her (and the other T's I was considering) I told them all right away that I had a history of cutting, ED and I was Borderline, and did that affect their desire to work with me as I know some providers choose not to have Borderlines on their roster. So yes. She was aware.

Originally Posted by pmbm

InRealLife45, I totally get your struggle with your T. I got really attached to my last T and she started acting a little like your T. I know you don't have this, but I have a dissociative disorder and I found out my last T was a big fan of Janina Fisher (Janina Fisher, PhD :: Welcome).

I can't sayfor sure, but I do not think my T is interested in the work of this person. Her reading list is more...modern. Energy healing, attachment theory, etc.

Originally Posted by Luce

They count. She addressed your letter. She said you would talk about it on Monday.
You asked her to respond and she did - it just wasn't in the way you wanted.

Of course it wasn't in the way I wanted, (the way we had set up) and the reason for the email was to let me know SHE had decided not to honor our e-mail agreement in this case. Having requested and expected her to do what we have set up to do on Fridays does not suddenly make me bad or wrong as you and hankster and scorpiosis are suggesting. It's a standing practice between us. I send an e-mail-I get a reply friday. The only difference this time is it was a handwritten letter instead of an e-mail bc my laptop was dead, but my request in itself is not "asking too much" or "expecting too much" or "wanting to feel special."

Originally Posted by hankster

But it feels like you wanted a reply yesterday, which feels like it would have opened her up to another request today and tomorrow. Instead, she tried to set a boundary around your request to include the weekend and hold you in there.

But you pop out of the hold like a jumping bean and say it doesnt "count"? Like a toddler who wont go down for a nap. Newsflash - nobody is keeping count. The adults are gonna keep on doing what they need to do until the toddler wears herself out. Until the pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of changing.

And Hankster, -Actually, It doesn't count for either one of us. Email responses such as the one liners she gave and ones about scheduling, which both of them were- are not charged/are exempt from inclusion in the email agreement, and frankly I'm surprised she chose to respond in that way when a text would have sufficed. Paid email responses are responses that address the content of the email(s) sent, and are at least one full paragraph. Not one sentence. That is our agreement. One sentence saying no I'm not going to reply hardly COUNTS as a paid email based on our email agreement, which I've been excellent at abiding by.

So well in fact that Some weeks I just don't send anything so it doesn't have to be enacted (I send nothing, get nothing). And I do not ever reply to her weekly email, via email, I write out whatever my thoughts are and I bring them to my next session to read to her.

So your assumptions would be incorrect. I would not have made another request as I've been working very hard at respecting her boundaries. I did not beg her to reconsider the "discuss it in Monday," message she sent. I made a request that was in keeping with the agreement we had already set up.

I am not a toddler having a tantrum, but thank you for the comparison. And you can choose to read or not, as is your prerogative.

[unaluna]

Get in touch with your inner child!! Or your outer child. I finally gave up and started seeing a child psychologist. I cant deal with anyone who expects me to be an adult. Eff that noise. Its never too late to have a happy childhood - i have that bumper sticker around here someplace. All that logic logic logic! You know im just going lalalalalalalala and not reading it!

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

Doesn't this wear you out?

Does what, exactly, wear me out? The constant worry and anxiety? Yes, it does.