[OneWorld]

Lately, I'm starting to feel like I am too invested in the therapeutic relationship. I don't want to depend on her to get better so I really feel like I need to distance myself from her. But I'm not sure if I really am getting too close/dependent or if I'm just not good at relationships like this. Any tips on how to tell the difference? I am admittedly bad at taking any kind of relationship past surface level these days so I don't want to back off if I really need to address it that way. But I'm sure there are signs that I should look for to see if I am too dependent on her?

I know I need to talk to her about this - and I plan to. Just wondered if anyone out in PC land has been here already.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

The best way to know is to ask her and talk to her about it.

[TheWell]

I actually want to have that conversation too. I find myself thinking about therapy way more than I want to.

[JaneTennison1]

At the start therapy was on my mind all the time. I would google my T, I craved contact. Now I'm so much calmer, I feel much more secure that she is not changing or going away and as a result I no longer obsess over therapy or google her all the time. I suggest talking about this with your T. Is this a new feeling or has always been that way? Is there some kind of security you need?

My T asked me if there was anything she could do. I liked that a lot.

[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Is this a new feeling or has always been that way? Is there some kind of security you need?

It's a relatively new feeling. I want my T to help me figure out my stuff but I don't want to be connected to her more than I am to any other professional. But lately it just feels so close and connected in the sessions. If it was a real friendship or relationship it would be great, but it isn't what I am looking for from the process. I'm afraid that if it becomes too close that I won't be able to work through my stuff on my own.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JaneTennison1]

I get that, I struggle with not wanting to rely on or be close to another person that much, having been let down A LOT. I do urge you to discuss this feeling with T even though it is hard. For me, therapy has reached a new level once I let go a little bit and allowed myself to ask for help and trust a little bit more. It actually lessoned my intense feelings and allowed me to deal with som e issues.

The struggle to keep her at arms length and not rely her while also trying to trust her enough to deal with issues was taking up far more brain space than I needed. I feel so much better for having let some of that go, realising I can trust and she is worthy of trust.

[Jungatheart]

This is what I hear: Am I too dependent or is this healthy? I am not good at relationships, so is this what a "good" relationship feels like, or is this not a "good" relating? Do I feel these things b/c I don't like deeper level feelings or because something is off base?
I do understand that place. It can feel so confusing! In a therapist's office, you are supposed to learn vulnerability which leads to all kinds of mixed feelings. But which vulnerable feelings are good and which ones are red flags?

How do you tell the difference? Good question! I do believe that your inner voice, the one that makes you question, serves a purpose. The problem for me was that I so doubted my ability at relationships that when I brought up similar issues with my therapist, and he was thrilled by my dependency, I assumed it must be a healthy feeling. But I still had those nagging feelings and questions in the back of my mind. Ignoring is never healthy. Yes, talk to them about transference. See how they respond. It was also helpful to me to have other sounding boards to bounce "healthy" off of. And yes, it is also healthy to feel vulnerable. But establishing the difference with your therapist between vulnerable and dependence could be important.

My thought is to continue to get feedback from others, read up on healthy/unhealthy therapy relationships, and to respect your gut. Talk about it with therapist, but don't just blindly accept their response bc you feel confused about healthy relating.

These ethical references for therapist relationships may help clarify:
Psychotherapy: What Can Go Wrong - Psychotherapy Treatment And Psychotherapist Information
50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling

[Leah123]

My first question would be what harm is there for you in being "too" invested?

You worry about being too close, but what is the actual fear. If you get "too close" what are you afraid will happen, and is that happening?

I've had that fear, but haven't found it's been fulfilled. I'm in frequent contact with her, and she's supportive, helpful and I'm certainly drawn to her.

But, she can't pay my bills, sleep with my husband, raise my kid, show up at work, or do my homework. And while I have *felt* upset by conversations we've had, I've never ceased functioning beyond needing some time to cry or rest.

So, I think the test is: are you functioning worse because you depend on her, or do you have good reason to believe you will? Is she helping you with what you want help with? Or, is there evidence of actual potential harm: is she encouraging you not to make any decisions without her, to isolate from other people or to stop functioning in any healthy ways?

Something to keep in mind is that dependence is a normal, healthy part of many therapeutic relationships: the reliance enables us to make changes we couldn't on our own. You're afraid, you mention, of not being able to work on things on your own- but isn't that what you signed up for? If you could have fixed your issues alone.... you would have. There's nothing wrong with the fact that you couldn't, but the reality is, that means you do need to trust someone to help you, and with time, you will be able to build that skillset for yourself and reach out elsewhere, outside of therapy, for help.

[iheartjacques]

I am getting better in my life even though my attachment drives me nuts because im sure it's all one sided. He always says if people don't gel, they won't be able to talk. He always says it's the bond that is the driving force for the relationship. I'm scared of dropping defences and getting hurt. I don't know how I'm going to walk away from this without a broken heart, but I'll have to be like with my students, sad but happy to see them grow up and getting on with their lives.

[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

Do I feel these things b/c I don't like deeper level feelings or because something is off base?

This is exactly what I'm wondering!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by Leah123

My first question would be what harm is there for you in being "too" invested?
...
So, I think the test is: are you functioning worse because you depend on her, or do you have good reason to believe you will? Is she helping you with what you want help with? Or, is there evidence of actual potential harm: is she encouraging you not to make any decisions without her, to isolate from other people or to stop functioning in any healthy ways?

I guess I'm most concerned about blurring the line between my "real world" and the world that exists in that room. Feeling close to someone that isn't actually in a relationship with me will certainly fall flat somewhere along the line.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[NowhereUSA]

i ask myself the same question in some ways.

my t and i get along really well and i've seen him for therapy for over five years. in the last year things have gotten... odd? it's hard to explain, but as i've been dealing with ppd and trying to resolve that, i feel like i've gotten more dependent on him in some ways and i find myself frustrated that he fosters that dependence (from my pov anyway). he let's me email him in between sessions (although he doesn't reply except occasionally) as he says they help him know what's going on internally with me. i never did that until this year. five years of therapy and this in the last few months i've started emailing him.

he used to tell me i could call and email any time but i always just said, 'you know i won't.' and then i didn't. now i do and idk. i have conflicting emotions from it. it helps get stuff out of my head and we do deal with it in session but on the other hand, i kind of feel like it leads me to depending on him too much.

there's an additional piece in that him and i share some similar interests. my h and i are talking about moving in the next couple years and when i expressed that it was going to suck to move and how did that work with therapy, he told me he'd like to stay in touch when i move on.

that kind of floored me as i want that and at the same time, i'm like.... is that okay?

sometimes i feel like the therapeutic relationship has gotten a bit weird :-/ But I have a history of not being able to connect to people and so it's been helpful the way he's responded. and my brain tells me 'getting attached is bad, baaaaad!' and i want to run away from all the people in the world

so. idk. i feel like i have no brain to evaluate things.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by OneWorld

I guess I'm most concerned about blurring the line between my "real world" and the world that exists in that room. Feeling close to someone that isn't actually in a relationship with me will certainly fall flat somewhere along the line.

But you are in a relationship and it is real. My therapy is as much a part of my life as my job, my marriage, my hobbies, my friends....

I consciously integrate it in.

It is not a reciprocal relationship- is that what you mean? You get to focus on your concerns and don't need to focus on the therapist's concerns, except mostly for their financial concerns, and also knowing that they get satisfaction from working with you?

Or are you concerned knowing that the relationship won't become more full time?

Maybe try thinking of it as more like a relationship someone might have with a priest or a distant aunt or a physical rehab specialist or something? It's real, it's just not the same as our most time-consuming relationships like romantic ones.

[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by Leah123

But you are in a relationship and it is real.
...
Or are you concerned knowing that the relationship won't become more full time?

I know that the interaction between us is real but it is not a relationship that I want to depend on because I want to be able to be done with therapy. I want help with my issues but I don't want to be tied to her to get that help. I need her expertise.

But I know that sounds harsh so I don't know how to say that to her.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by OneWorld

I know that the interaction between us is real but it is not a relationship that I want to depend on because I want to be able to be done with therapy. I want help with my issues but I don't want to be tied to her to get that help. I need her expertise.

But I know that sounds harsh so I don't know how to say that to her.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Maybe it's only through the relationship that you will be able to fully experience her expertise.